.:: WOMEN'S COLLEGE::.

These days ain't gonna come back.
*sigh

This incident happened long back when we do our "supposedly" higher studies; where most of the students are seen always high on alcohol , pot or skirt or shoes around the campus.
..
..

I was doing my first love those days. She was all I had in my campus, while my friends did many others with good front-end and back-end.

After having a very good sleep in the first few hours in the climate controlled lab, I thought I would have a cup of hot coffee, before the next round of sleep.

I was having my coffee, my friend and campus politician came to me and said

"Dude!! Coming to some place ?"
When you are given an offer from someone in campus to go some place , you don't ask "WHERE". Consider him /her as a God send angel and take the nearest exit.

"When will we be back?" I wanted to make sure cuz, my mom insists that I eat my lunch on time ; she didn't say anything about the classes, so I was not having any regrets about bunking classes.

Me: How are we going?

Dev:On my scooter. [ He said that proudly..Very proudly]
Some families pass on their sacred things from generation to generation like ring, red undies, kidney stones, diabetes etc. I think he got this scooter that way. He always says to us "The engines are good."

Me:ON THIS?

Dev:Make fun of me, but not my scooter. Okay.

Me*sigh : Should I have to get a tetanus injection before I get on that. Ya know, I got plans with my life.

Dev: You are gonna be the luckiest guy in campus today.

Me:OH really! Lemme guess.....you got into some trouble and you are going to take me to mediate something, and they need someone to punch...Right?Am I a collateral or something? Tell me..

Dev: Hey!!! We are going to raise some serious fund for our campus magazine.




Muaahahahahahahaaha!!! Wow!! that means..loads of money we 'collect'. Loads of money we make "disappear". I love this..like I always loved this.

Now, I know why he called me for this mission.He wants a translator to translate from 100% natural Mallu language to 100% English. Like Daffy duck he too had pronoun trouble.
He later told me that,some times people don't understand his version of English,which is mostly spoken with vowels and he completes his sentences with gestures.

Vowels according to him/ Mallu [ You can hear these tones when you phone a mallu]

(A)Aaaaaa= Okay
(E)Eeeeeeeh?= Really? Is it? Eh? Without question mark it becomes a No.
(I and O)We mallus prefer to combine I and O making AYYYOOOO which is the sound what escapes from a mallu's mouth when a coconut falls on his head.
U= You.[*phew]

..
..

We over took many school kids and parked cars and reached this "AWESOME" place.
This awesome place was like Wall mart of Hot Chicks. We saw the building that houses the chicks also commonly referred as ladies hostel. They had put their feathers of various colors and sizes for drying on the terrace and iron bar on windows.

Dude...This is the erogenous zone as Erich Segal has put it.[ Thanks to Dr.Erich Segal; for he invented this word in his awesome book "Doctors"]
..
..

Me:We will park the scooter outside.

Dev:Oye!! This is an isolated area.What if someone jack it. Scooter jacking

Me: Who in his senses would do that?

Yes, like everyone who listens to me; he too listened and decided Not to Park the scooter outside the campus, but will drive it all the way INSIDE,to the Woman's College.

"NOOOO!!!" This is not at all a good idea.
..
..
Event 1:

The gateway to the heaven opened. wow..wow..wow..wow wow!!
I have never seen so many chicks in one place before. This was the discovery channel of chicks. All different kinds of girls, living in harmony like in Jurassic park but not separated by electric fence though.All different sizes and shapes.

"Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! Yii-hah!"

There were groups, of them.....soaking the sun under a banian tree.How we wished they were without baniyans.
*sigh

Even the scooter on which I was sitting felt like the magic carpet that is carrying me to the belly dancer concert in Aboodhabi deserts.
My eyeballs were getting tired after shifting angles and changing directions.I was feeling dizzy.

The girls were looking at us. They were locked on to 2 moving males, shamelessly cruising through their campus in a prehistoric scooter. Their eyes locked on to us as if controlled by a radar.
*gulp
You ever had this feeling "You are being watched." I had exactly the same feeling.That's when you stop looking at 'individual' chicks shamelessly.

The scooter suddenly started to spurt and cough like an old man seeing soo many girls at the same time and was going into a cardiac arrest.
Yes, The inevitable happened. The scooter died half way into the campus.
That means...err..we had to push it all the way in to the campus

The hot chicks giggled aloud in high pitch, acknowledging the fact that "Our Scooter" indeed is crapped up and they know it.

Me: I told you..I told you to keep the scooter outside.

Dev:What if someone took off on it?

Me:NOW!!!

As we pushed the Scooter.. We heard lots of awesome comments.

"Hey!! Need our hand?"
*gulp
We turned to see who was commenting.
"To push"..she said that with that..sooper sexy killer smile moving her hand in a "pushing gesture"

Innocent us.No?

Then, that group of girls decided to dedicate a song to us. They sang an old mallu song.

"Thallu thallu thallu thallu kannaasu vandi
Thallu thallu thallu thallu ee thallipoli vandi
Ee thalli poli vandi"

They formed a group and walked a few meteres behind us singing and clapping.
*sigh
There is nothing you can do in such situations ,cuz,

1)It is their campus

2)You are few hundred meters inside their campus

3)The compound walls are high.

4)The gate too is high and wont get opened up unless you show the visitors pass duly signed by the
principal.[Red tapes...red tapes]

5)You don't know the short cuts inside their campus.What if you run and end up in their canteen(*OUCH!!!!)

So...Smile...put a beeg smile on your face in such situations.

"Control..Uday!!! Control!!!!"-Nana Patekar
..
..
Event 2:

We parked the scooter, near a sedan class car inside the campus.
some chicks, may be doing her economics commented "Communism and its effects in Kerala." and then "Theepetti undo saghave oru beedi edukkan" [ Rough Translation:" Will I get a beedi." ]
[ In places where there are communists it is said that Beedi and black tea forms staple diet of a hard core communist.]

..
..

Event 3:

As we were walking through the corridor to reach their principal's office, Dev's mobile rang . The ring tone was a Rakhi Sawant Dance number.
Gwad!!
A girl who overheard awesome ring tone commented "oooohhhhhh...moooofail phone"
We had to dodge our way through sarcastic outbreaks.
..
..

Event 4:

There was this girl, whom I considered, humble, down to earth, innocent, orthodox, very very well mannered etc etc. Whenever I happened to meet her at the mall , she always speak softly, looking down, whereby I was made to believe that she has a very down to earth personality.

"[BEEP]"
I looked up. Someone is calling my AWESOME nick name.

"Doi...[Beep]"
Who is that..who is that..my eyes scanned the horizon.

The same "down to earth girl," was showing her real color.She was standing in the middle of a group of spectacled females and was shouting my nick name, for all the world to hear.
I couldn't believe my eyes.
HOW can She?
*sigh
I made a new quote that day
"A girl in natural habitat will have all ground support"-Sorcerer

____________________

Dev:Let them come to our place one day.

Me:Yeah and every Tom,[Beep] and Harry would, gather around them and would be ready to even carry them on their back.

Dev:We are not like them.We have to show hospitality.No?

Me:Yeah yeah!!Thank God!! We didn't end up in hospital as casualty.

__________________________+

.:: TRY TRY TRY ::.

I know, you would think that this is another post encouraging guys who are single to shamelessly hit on a girl, till you succeed.You know, you can do that cuz according to me that's how great democracies are formed .

But This is a very unusual and sad episode from my life. Many of you know that my life is an open blog just like great personalities who had walked the earth before me like Tyrannosaurus Rex .
You know that I sometime, go on a different tangent and bring to you some sad episiodes at times.

..
..

Nobody is perfect. I realized this when I was encouraging my seniors during a foot ball match in our school. I think , I was in class 4. The guys, who were my classmate were clapping and whistling jumping up and down. I too was clapping and jumping up and down like Duracell bunny . I couldn't whistle.I tried whistling by putting my lil fingers in my mouth, but no sound came out. What ever came out landed on the head of someone who was standing below me. I was shocked. My friend who was standing near me was whistling soo perfectly like a canary being raped.
I tried again.My friend looked at me, pointed at me and laughed. Sad. no?

He later said while I was trying to whistle I was making faces, as if I was constipated and trying to get it out.
Any way, I didn't give a shit on what he said. Cuz..I am gonna follow "Try Try Try..Thingy"

School doesn't teach you awesome things like this and in life most of the questions we face are out of syllabus. I think the syllabus on anything to do with communication should have WHISTLING in the first few chapters.
-----------------

Chapter 1: Whistling:The Untold Art of Communication
Chapter 2: Types of whistling.

Exercises:
1)Shamelessly whistle at the hot chick in class and note down your observation.
2)Discuss:Whistling and its importance in society.
3)At a painfully loud concert, a 120-dB sound wave travels away from a loudspeaker at 343 m/s. How much sound wave energy should your mouth produce to whistle at a hot chick wearing short skirt.
4)Collect articles on great whistlers and their success stories.
5)Discuss:Who could whistle better:Super man or Spider Man.
-----------------
I decided that I would learn the art of whistling, no matter what.
I felt like the Ekalavya in whistling, learning without a guru.


..
..

I came home and as soon as I got home, started "practicing" how to whistle. My mom was surprised at first, but soon knew that , there is nothing much she could do about my situation and left me "trying to whistle" with that beeg smile which she always give to piss me off.

I read all the great life histories of great people,like Edison who never gave up.Like this quote "We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”-Thomas Alva Edison" ,
" I now know a thousand ways how not to whistle" -Sorcerer

I was not feeling well and didn't go to my school. I thought I would spend the day productively reading comic book and practicing how to whistle. After reading each comic strip, I would try and whistle,as if trying to encourage myself for being sick and reading comic book. Then suddenly... I think I heard a Sharp Shrill....YES!! AAawwww!!! ... I ran into the toilet.

I get involved with what I do; like everyone, I too put my heart and soul into what I try to accomplish, and doing that great men forget about themselves. For a moment, while during my whistling conquest, I forgot why I was home that day.
Happens! No?

I got so much encouragement from my family. My mom didn't say much because, she was confused as in which language she should talk, so as to communicate with me. Being a Keralite/Mallu, she at times communicate using mudras as in Kathakali. The "Musti mudra" used to work for me, says my mom [ Even I use Mudra's these days..Its called EKA MUDRA". This works best for most of us]

[ Pictorial Representation of "Eka Mudra" according to sorcerer]


My family encouraged the lil me saying that "Hey!! your eyes would pop out one day if you go on doing this." ." How you manage to put both your hands in that mouth". "Can you breathe?".

My granny who always see GOD in anything, said that I looked like Hanuman when I tried to whistle.
*sigh

Well!! If I ever get an Oscar for whistling, wait for what I am gonna say in my thank you speech about my so called "FAMILY SUPPORT."
*sigh

..
..

As time moved on,I almost perfected it. Almost in the sense, I won't be able to whistle when I wanted to. Ya know, like, you want to whistle when Sachin Tendulkar hits a sixer, you try to whistle..and whistle,,but the voice comes out when he gets bowled. You would be happy, because the voice came out, but I think, the rest of who are watching the match won't be quiet impressed by your whistling then.

Time moved on, I was getting near my teenage hood. I needed to perfect it and I needed to perfect it soon before I start my awesome college days.
"GOD!!! Are you hearing my whistles?" that was the only prayer I had those days.

One day, I went for this awesome movie. Everyone sitting near me was encouraging the villain doing koochi koochi things to the actress. They were showing their heartfelt support to the villain by whistling and howling.
*sigh

I looked at them, with my heart full of grief, not for the actress, but for me not being able to encourage the villain guy. Civilians doesn't allow someone clapping to encourage a villain. Clapping is for the looser hero. Whistling is for the awesome villain.

Since it was dark inside the theater, I thought I will take the risk, try my whistling thingy. I tried to whistle... A feeble whistling voice came out in the end and as always... the scene changed. My friend snatched the packet of popcorn. Since both my hands were engaged, trying to whistle, I couldn't stop him from taking away my popcorn packet.
*sigh

..
..

Then, my cricket captain taught the technicalities of a perfect whistling. He said most men are born with this skill, it's just a matter of 'discovering' it in you.
Words of wisdom that was.
My cricket captain never called us by names.He would simply whistle.
Today the young kids are so lucky.They get "how to whistle " video on youtube.
There is even a wiki how on WHISTLING.
Click here


There are many types of whistling available (Whistling with the rear end is not counted) of which wiki has info on.
..
..

Awwwrigght!!
Many , of you would be wondering. What The Fluffy Duck!! Why should I learn to whistle?
Let me give you some reasons

1) It's natural. 100% natural. No toxins are released into air, when done with the correct end.

2)Remember, how Kate Winslet( Yeah! The chick in Titanic, that gets into an accident in the backseat of a docked car] got rescued from the sea.She whistled. But the story would have been more original, if she had used her fingers.[ Wipe that grin guys!! ]

3)You can naturally encourage your team.You don't need to carry drums or trumpets to stadium.

4)You don't have to put toxic thing into your mouth.[Huh!!] Think about a plastic whistle which is "Made In China" and one made of toxic plastic material.

5)You get more chicks. Chicks are attracted to whistling.It's kinda like a natural mating call. They would look at you and you can see their lips move saying "Only if you were near!!!" . Remember love bird...whistles.

6)You can get back or even with those Shrieking crying kids. Been in situation, where the little kids shriek their lungs out? Just go near such toddlers with high decibel ADS [ Attention deficit syndrome] and whistle hard. I bet the kid will go "WTF?" and go to sleep.
*Scientifically proved on neighbor kid.

7) If you are IT professional and you have successfully managed to crash a server which has so many users logged on. How will you whistle and walk away from such situation, if you don't know how to whistle?

The list is endless.....


____________________

Okay!! now all those who was sitting there thinking you could whistle..Try and whistle.Let me see you Einsteins do that in one go..like me .Now!!

Ps:

1)Wash your hands before and after using the keyboard.
2)Wipe your computer monitor of biological debris.


____________________

Before you go another 55 Fiction regarding a whistle.

____________________ BLOW ____________________

“Hey baby I missed you” He said
"I am gonna blow it on you when I come back there baby!!She replied
..
..

He waited for her at his home.
The calling bell rang.
She came. Blew the whistle on him at him and walked away.
..
..

“How did she know about Rita..He thought.”

My 55 Fictions
__________________________+

.::LOO ::.

Yeah! you would say, the title of this blog post is disgusting. But think about this, if it was not for the loo we would all be disgusting.No?

Many great thinkers and philosophers (Including Sorcerer, that would be me) considered loo as a place where they get enlightenment. Remember the great guy Archimedes? He found Eureka when he was in a bathtub. It all depends upon where you actually look for things. You too can find things.Loo is a place where people can look for things and find it as proved by Archimedes [Hand-lens recommended for some people].

In modern times, loo has become more social. Some major corporate had plans on e-loo; an electronic loo where you can connect to internet. You can stay connected with your loved ones, even in the loo.

Internet Baby: Did I hear a Godzilla?

Guy from e-loo:No!! I am talking to you from the e-loo baby.

Today even they don't call it Loo any more they are called 'Men's Room'. This is a place where many men are 'looked down upon' shamelessly by some others with wickid mind.
Now, just like meeting a friend in market place,[ Stink stink] some of you may meet your friends, ex colleagues etc in this loocial setting . Most of them acknowledge each other with a simple nod of their heads just like what kings and queen do in the 1800s.

Most of them accomplish the mission by fixating their eye in the horizon of the wall in front, humming a tune.
Looking at the walls have its own awesome advantage. These walls are where some people manage to flow their creativity.
Most of the time, toilet walls are filled with awesome one liners, equivalent to a comic strip or much better than that.

The common statement that you would find on the walls of toilet is
" What the f are you looking at?"
Reading this, most readers would be swearing up the family chain of the person who wrote those lines and would say to themselves "You who wrote it, got lucky that you didn't end up being flushed down."

There are those who seem to provide a bit of social service by writing on the toilet walls, It would read "BE GENTLE".
It could be a caution from some one who was not gentle and lost his nuts in the bowl. [Poor Thing.No? Think about spending those cold winters without nuts.]

Then there are great thinkers and philosophers who write their awesome thoughts on toilet walls
like
"Small things amuse small minds.Amuse Yourself."

Then there are these RAP artists. They always rap. Rap is in their mind and in the soul.Such Rap artists write

Wanna make it bigger
Look at it in Mirror

Yes! This rap artist believes in the universal theory that "Objects in the mirror appear larger,"

These can be found in corporates that try to motivate employees using every square inch of the office.
"AIM HIGH."
or
A bit of warning like
" If you Fart here, you are Fired"

Major corporates practices this method of strategically placing 'MEN'S ROOM' very far away from human civilization. If you want a loo break, you need to start walking to the loo 5 minutes before you feel like going to take a leak.

Manager: Where you going?

Slave: Sir, I think, I will need to use the loo in 5 minutes.

Such toilets will have " You made it!!" written on the toilet wall.

Historians have excavated a loo which was supposedly used by Julius Caesar. They came to this conclusion because,carved on one a Tree Trunk was these words "I came I shit and I conquer".

Too much NDTV and you feel like writing this on the toilet wall.
"What you doing here? Your assh*le is in parliament".

Then there are smart ones wearing smarty pants they strike up conversations with the nearest guy in the loo. These are those who would even say sorry to the spoon before they dip them in the hot soup.

Guy 1:Wassup?

Guy 2:Mine is. How about you?

..
..

Guy 1:How you doing?

Guy 2:Nothing much, it does everything by itself.

..
..
Guy 1: Hot weather...oooofff...

Guy 2:Mexican food?

..
..

Some people are soo Ipod Fetish.I think the guy who said was talking about Ipod when he said about "going to the grave with the song still in me."
These ipoded humans come to the loo and they whistle and sing song, as they accomplish the mission, but the thing which gives me those eeek is when they add effects while they sing like....aaaa and oooh ooooh oooh... and move their body as if they are humping the toilet bowl.
"Yo Man!! It's Cool yo". Yo no?

____________________

In a way, I like to call these people compulsive bloggers or twitters. Twitting on the toilet walls are actually done by real twits with wits before they poop like birds. I think that each loo should be declared 'Source of awesomeness' and their walls with inscriptions protected.
__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

Wiseguy:Is there anything in this house that's ready to eat?

Sorcerer:Go look in the kitchen.
..
..

Wiseguy: Wow!! Found it..

Sorcerer:Kill it and share it.

____________________

Genius: What happened, down and depressed?

Wiseguy: I blame it on gravity.
____________________

Genius: Is orgasm spelled with U? [He meant orgasm or orgasum]

Sorcerer: F[beep] off! I pray NOT!
____________________

Sorcerer: I am considering a pet other than my hairy leg

may be i should have a gold fish or a rat.

DD: wat would a rat do with a rat?

____________________

Genius: My girl friend loves chess.

Sorcerer: Probably the only chance you get to mate with her.

Genius:What?

Sorcerer:Check mate, mate.
____________________

J****: So your cousin is vegetarian?

Sorcerer: Yeah he loves veg food and non veg jokes.
____________________

Sorcerer: What you doing?

Genius:Saving the world.

Sorcerer: You have enough disk space?

__________________________+

.::BACHELOR LIFE::.

Bachelor, It's God's way of showing, how it would be living in the Garden of Eden. Yes, a bachelor, in his natural habitat, will live life naked, truly innocent and very down to earth [Some even touch earth when living that way, I think its a disease] and close to the nature. He makes use of the natural resources to the maximum.

Google, which I consider the virtual version of real God defines a bachelor as " A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit."

Most of the time, a bachelor is wrongly classified as "LOOSER".[Yes!That's what EGO does to Married and suffering people! ]
Remember, bachelor hood is the only time, when you can celebrate Naked Sundays exposing your beer belly and eating potato chips while watching FTV models on the ramp.
VIVA LA BACHELORS!!

Natural Habitat

I told you before that most bachelors live their life, very open, because they are so innocent and has nothing to hide.Their life is like an open book like all great persons. They walk around (mostly inside, as not to scare the neighbor's cat) the home without clothes or minimum clothes because, it is to cut down on washing costs and detergent. I call this living so sensibly. The cloth one bachelor must wear inside his home according to Sorcerer's Code Book is A fluffy soft bathroom Towel, which can be wrapped around the waist.(If you don't have a towel that's big enough; like in the case of this blogger.try and wrap what you can and secure it using safety pins.). The exposed body parts will absorb enough sunlight which contains Vitamin D.

The Walls:

The walls of bedroom should be covered with pictures of Goddesses in Bikini and bra that resembles a band-aid. Something should be covered and left for imagination to avoid disappointment. No?.
Wall should show all your creativity thingies. Your score on Mosquito kills. Wall drawings like foot print of your Puma shoes.[ One day your foot print will become famous like the Neil Amstrong's]
Fractal paintings with ink adds to the beauty of your living space.
A picture of girl in TUTU is a must.

The bed sheet (optional) doubles up as, blanket, towel, cloth spread while ironing clothes. Your bed can be used as chair, dining table, coffee table, book shelf and as kitchen table for having sex.
There should be many movie CD's near your bed. Everything you need should be within hands reach from your bed.
Your pillow should have the name of your latest crush. Though your crush may not be dirty, your pillow sure is. A Naked pillow(Pillow without pillow cover) will match your naked Sunday celebration.

Most of the bachelors prefer to wear jeans or denim as it's scientifically proven that dust and dirt adds glamor to jeans. They are more fashionable and ooh la la..when torn. [ You are extremely lucky if it tears exposing your hairy bum-bum] . or your awesome skinny knees.Wearing matching sock is for people who are scared to take risk.[Har har har to them]

Bachelor clothes has more features than married male's clothes. A bachelors cloth are always clean.(that's just a start what you smell is the horny fragrance of a bachelor).

These findings are based on the only test available and affordable for bachelors to test the cloth: "Smell Test"

• The cloth of a bachelor will become, clean and wearable when left alone for a week.
• Best way to remove stain is 'licking it'. Comes easy when you scratch it when its dry.
  
• The cloth of a bachelor will become, odor less and clean and wearable when there is nothing else to wear.
  
• There is no expiry date on jeans. It comes under the range of "Wear it -Forget it" range of clothing.
• Stains add glamor to t-shirt. There is nothing sexy than ketchup stain on t-shirt.
• Any stain can be treated with matching sketch pen color to make it blend into the background. If you are creative, make an art out of stain on your cloth drawing legs and eyes on it with marker pens.
• Deodorant is like your right hand in life.

Now, if you are forced to wash your clothes, by someone whose threat "you can't refuse". Wash it.
It's a simple process if you have a working washing machine.[Add shampoo to washing machines to make lots of bubbles.Apart from fragrance it gives to clothes, its funny to look at when it foams up] .If you don't have a washing machine.Follow these steps

1. Take water in a bucket
2. Add sufficient detergent. [Sufficient means, enough detergent to get that fragrant smell].
3. Put your clothes in the bucket.
   
4. Use a long stick to stir the contents of the bucket emulating the washing machine.
5. Stir for 5 minutes and your cloth is as good as new.
   

Else if you just want to wash one set of clothes.It's an even simple method.

• Wear your dirty cloth and take bath in them.This way you can save precious water and also wash the cloth. [Oh!!You are welcome,]
  

Drying:

A bachelor is smart enough to make use of minimum space required to dry clothes

• A chair can be used to put your clothes for drying
• Tube light can be used to dry sock and underwear.
• Iron bars on the window can be used to put towels, socks, underwear etc.
• If you want to dry it quick, use microwave oven or iron it.
• No electricity? Heat the underside of your electric iron using stove.Make sure its just right temperature for cloth and press your awesome cloths.

My awesome blog reader, Sulagna's husband has demonstrated a wonderful way to use space to maximum use.Publishing that pic with permission.


[ A fine example of how Genius Bachelors use Space.]

BACHELORS!! Did you see sheer unadulterated brilliance? Learn from it.

Bathroom Essential:

When nature comes calling, this is the times when some bachelors keep their Ipod down. Bathroom is where most bachelors get their awesome ideas. A bathroom should have SHAMPOO.
Shampoo is a must thing. Toothpaste is okay. Soap should be left open and in a pool of water.This is bachelors way of making liquid soap. Shampoo is your good friend. Shampoo can double up as toothpaste and soap and even as detergent to wash your clothes.[ When you use shampoo as toothpaste.your mouth will taste funny till you have your first coffee.] A bachelor can use his bathroom for as many hours as he wants.Does your toilet have a seat cover? I know you would not have known that it has a seat cover.Don't worry this is one thing that you are supposed to notice only after getting married.

Cooking:

Any bachelor is a born cook. Since a bachelor when married hates to sleep on a couch, he pretends that his wife is a better cook.
Noodles and eggs is a bachelors best friend other than his right hand. Beer is the best staple diet of a bachelor.Beer contains important vitamins and minerals and has H₂O. A bachelor should never refuse a free meal.

General Knowledge:

A bachelor should read news paper and should know which film is running at which theater or multiplex, so that he can avoid that places when with his girl friend. A bachelor should know all the strategic vantage points on his terrace. He should be good friends with the lil cousin and lil brothers of good looking chicks in his locality.
A bachelor should know the phone number of pizza hut and other food outlets which offers home delivery and should be able to say the number even while asleep. You should be able to bullshit about any topic under the sun for hours.
Always start the sentence with "According to me" and end with "Apparently" or "As such".
You should read as many as playboy magazine to understand about global warming in your pants.

Pet:

A bachelor should learn to pet his own hairy leg. Exotic habit of petting pet snake is also appreciated by the bachelor clan.


Drink:

The universal currency of a bachelor is beer. If any bachelor who could say "F[beep] you" on your face, and show the middle finger at you, after getting drunk is fit to drive.
..
..


The advantages of being bachelor are endless. Nobody is gonna ask you "where were you last night"; cuz you "crashed" at your friends place.You have the right to point at married people and laugh and also roll eyes at their kids.
You can watch gland finales of sports match, undisturbed.

A bachelor should shamelessly flirt...as much as possible so that he won't regret it after the "I do's". coz "I do's" and " I spend" is what he will do the rest of his life.
____________________

According to my awesomeness , a bachelor is like a fire extinguisher filled with gasoline.

but...if you live your life to the full in the Garden of Eden..you will be able to dedicate the rest of your life for some one you love without any regrets...so all the dudes and dudettes go out and make the most of it... marriage is not sacrifice.[Cuz it does not begin with S] .it's the time of your life where you really want to make some one happy shamelessly and selflessly.

__________________________+

.::TAGGED::.

____________________

I have been unceremoniously tagged by Supriya. Now mesa (Mesa is "Me Is" (c) DD)going to complete the tag.

10 things that make me smile

1) Finding matching pair of socks. [Guess what, It's moi lucky day]

2)Winning a bargain for second hand books. [Books are books. No?]

3)Cousin swearing and deleting awesome games to make space for awesome awesome movies.

4)When mosquitoes bite at the real wrong places, and I can't scratch cuz its not table manners.

5) When the neighbor chick do yoga on her terrace, every day morning, which I feast on shamelessly in the morning with my hot coffee.

6)When the Chinese chicks talk in Englis in Kungfu movies. ["Ai yu cow ming?!!" for " Are you coming?"]

7)Girls in tutu.

8)Getting phone call, when in the shower. [ I actually smmmmiiiillllleee..Wide] and finding it to be some chick selling insurance.

9)Waking up to the high decibel sound of Tomatorrrrrrr(Read:Tomato).Tomatorrrrrrr on a freaking foggy softy lazy Sunday morning at 7. AM

10)Folk of pink pigeons.

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10 things that I just don't have the guts to do

1)Shave my awesome goatee.

2)Delete some cool folders on my machine.

3)Loose insanity.

4)Leave potato chips/Fried chicken unattended

5)Rent novels to friends. [ Most of the books in my library are shamelessly borrowed from friends]

6)Leave the gaming console to take a loo break. [Everyone who has a lil cousin would understand the feelings]

7) Talk in Kannada to DD and make a mistake. [Silence followed by high pitch eeeeeeeeee...wwwwwwhhhhaat yaaa...har har *snort *snort]

8) Refuse hugs from chicks. [ I am sensitive. No?]

9)My mind wandering into outer-space, losing it trajectory and crash landing between the mount of Venus.[ Well!! It usually happens while reading 'Sheldon Novels'.My thoughts actually suffocate to death between those mounts. Tragic...I know!! ]

10)Wear red underwear.

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I think with the whole of my heart think I did justice to the tag.

There is a whole lot of people out there who would never do a tag. SO,


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.::GYM::.

You know, at times, when we are retrospecting and introspecting, and your mind decides to play a practical prank on you.

Conscious:Dude!!

Me: Yes?

Conscious: Look at you, Are you in shape?

Me: Yes! So far so good. Managed to stay in one piece.

Conscious: So, you don't want to make 6 pack and 8 pack abs?

Me:Is that in the job contract?

Conscious: Nope!! but you know how..girls check out guyz.. they kinda check the...

Me: Abs?

Conscious:YES!!! Don't you know that? You wanna die a virgin?

Me:I am doing jogging everyday, and...I think I am fit. If I want ribbed abs, what are sketch pens for?

Conscious:In the park, I know.Are you really giving a good work out for all your muscles?

Me:Yes

Conscious:Only to your eye muscles, that strains to see the rear of girls running ahead of you in the early morning light. You always, run behind them.Don't ya.

Me:Ladies First!! See..I am a gentleman.Okay?

This way my mind managed to trick me into going to the GYM!

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I got this good neighbor guy, who always supports anything that has to do with me running into a wall. [I very well know that WALL is not a girl!] . I asked my neighbor if he would like to come with me to the GYM. He was kinda skeptical, but he thinks that since I work with computers and all everything I do is what intellectuals do and he blindly copies me, exactly like a few others I know.

That day evening, we went to the GYM , filled in the application form. Since we were n00b to the GYM, the gym instructor gave us Tour-De-Gym. He showed us different machines and assured us that, we would have muscles the size of Pamela's implants,but on our biceps and triceps when we work on these machines. We were impressed.Very impressed.


We can't wait to get started on those awesome machines and build muscles from day one.

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The next day, I know the girls in the park must have missed me. I know they would have missed my awesome sexy legs in the shorts. Sorry girls, I am in ze Gym makin ze muscles.
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We were quiet excited, there were some other n00bs too. The instructor came and showed us some ground exercises.

Me:It's all because of you

Conscious: Har har har *snort *snort

Me:Water...Water....Water...

After the vigorous ground exercise, I believed in the theory that the earth was actually tilted and is rotating on its own axis. I went near the water dispenser to get a glass of water.
"Nooo...Don't drink water now."Called out my fitness trainer.

What does he think I am.CAMEL?

When I see all those awesome muscled celebrity pics on the wall, I was like.."One day..me too."

I think 5 or 6 days went, without me never touching any awesome machinery like the dumbbells etc etc.

I could feel even the muscles that control the lil hair on my pinky finger aching. I could feel each muscles on my body when I sneezed or coughed. Well!! that was just the beginning.

I really wanted to protest. I don't want to be doing this 'CIRCUS ACT' with the ground exercises for the money I paid, which could feed me lots of Maggi Noodles. I want to climb up the gym chain and I want to 'pump iron' and make some 'serious' muscles.

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The next day, was the day I was dreaming of. Me with dumbbells and the dumb look to match it.
I did the exercise thingy with that, as 'prescribed' by the instructor. I could feel my muscles tighten as I scratched the back of my head with my hands.[ For those, who never been to GYM. This is one symptom that assures you that you are indeed becoming a 'professional body builder.]

There was this guy who was doing chest press he was making all noise aloud as if he was having sex. It sounded like a mating call of a buffalo. Everyone around him was trying hard to control the laughter, but my problem was I could not lift the dumbbells because, the freaking muscles wanted to laugh.
Later,I was happy, as I could feel the muscles 'tight' on my biceps.
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I was in my office coding with my new muscled fingers. The click clack of the keyboard echoed around in my cabin.

I stood up and my hand was now on 'Anti-Gravity'. When ever I stand, my hands should drop down, automatically. That is the 'default ' setting.Right? BUT!! my hand was half bend at the joint.
I was walking around the office like a ROBOT. My understanding friends made beep beep and other mechanical sounds as I walked. Too much for screen music in real life.
*sigh

[CAUTION: Using dumbbell exercise on other body part to get Anti Gravity Effect would lead to impotency in males. You would probably be doing world a favor.]

My hand never moved a few inches upward and downward, without much effort. Drinking coffee was a pain in the hands. Tossing the coffee cup at the wastebasket, was another pain.
See, it happens because, all your new muscles that are new born still needs to learn these things.No?
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Next day morning, I went to the gym and many hibernating muscles woke-up. My gym instructor asked me to do CRUNCHES, after my routine exercise with the gym machinery. I sang a wonderful song that day, while at the loo.

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will

Well I will

Bathing was another whole new learning process. Since I could not lift my hands, I had to hold my hands together in front of me and then rub my face in the hands[ Normally we rub hands on face.Right?] to apply soap on my face.

To apply soap on the back of your body, It's another ingenious technique .For those n00b gym goers I will tell you how to do it.

• Wash the tiled wall of your bathroom
• Apply soap on the wall
• Rub your back against the soaped wall.

Viola!! that's the way to apply soap on your back till your hands are alright.

I know drying up is a daunting task. I will tell you how to dry yourself in such situations.
soon after bathing, move to an isolated spot in the bathroom and jump up and down.This will make sure that water droplets get naturally gravitified.
Spread a big towel on the bed. [Considering that your bathroom has an attached bedroom]
Roll over on the towel.
Use effective use of ceiling fan for good results.
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One day, my gym instructor caught me ignoring the work out for the thigh muscles and other muscles whose name he can only spell. He made me do sit ups and also use an awesome machine.End result made me feel like I was walking on air. I couldn't feel from my waist down.
I had to check if things are still intact and in correct place from waist down[OH GWAD!!]

The awesome thing is that, the gym was on the second floor and I was standing at the staircase looking down helplessly. The guys who were coming into the gym , saw me standing there and asked me "oh!! Did the work out for legs and thighs. Eh?"
One guy, helped me get down the stairs on to dear earth.




As days passed by and I learned new things

1) The weighing machine in the gym is always rigged.

2)Muscles always look bigger in pictures and in the gym mirror.

3)Pumping weights to the rhythm of the music will get you muscle cramps and its funny for on lookers.

4)Some people make horrible noise while having sex..err..What ever..I pity their girl friends and wifeys. At times I used to wonder if some bear is having its periods.[Bear on mating season..is what I intended]

5)Make sure that the Keys are tight before you pull on any "pulling thingy machinery" to avoid literally crashing into the wall.

6)Make sure that, your track suit is tied tight. You don't want your track suit to come loose while you are straining to lift a weight.

7)Sing the 'ROW ROW ROW DE BOAT' when you are using the rowing machine. It's cool. It keeps people away from you better than your smelly gym suit.

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One day, I was waiting to do my push-ups, as you know the gym floor is limited. like parking space in front of a mall on Saturday. After waiting for some 20 minutes, one guy moved out.I quickly grabbed that position. I was doing my push-ups. One n00b guy came, with his dumbbells and was standing with his legs on either side of me.
WTF?...yeah Exactly that's what I thought.

I looked up at him and was like "WTF?" [ I didn't say that, but that was what I intended by that look.]
He replied.
"Let me too make some muscles."

These are people on whose head the crows shall poop.
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.::FARTONOMICS::.

Err..Yeah.I have been bitten by this Schweizerheimweh bug.
[Schweizerheimweh is a word which has something to do with Homesickness, or nostalgia. According to me, it sounds vaguely like Schwarzenegger , who said "I will be back"..just like Old memories. Yesh!! I know..you noticed the similarity, just like me.Right?]

Schweizerheimweh bug is a bug found in the wild; if bitten, you would be thinking about all those golden olden moments, when you are taking your shower and the water is too cold!

This incident happened during my school days. (Again?..Again..)

I think, most of you would have a correct understanding about, how I would be during my school days. Very brilliant, for all wrong reasons. I swear, I was an "outstanding student", literally; so was Enistein and Edison and many other geniuses.

Me and my wing-man, used to sit at the 5th row that is according to the "theory of relativity " first row from the last. (See, how effortlessly, I proved that I am a genius)Yes, because we were err..quiet tall and we don't want to come in between the pygmies and the blackboard.(Which was actually green board.) No matter where we sit, we always have our undivided attention on all the girls in our class.

Most of the time, the heavy subjects were always taught after the lunch break. The scientific explanation would be that, heavy subjects would require more brain power, that means, body would need more calories.So...that's the reason, why we had chemistry, physics classes just after the lunch break.

This incident happened during one such physics class. We were studying about waves. Every wavy figure gets my complete undivided attention. Our physics teacher had drawn a wave figure on the board and I was filling the missing details of those wavy figures in my awesome mind.

Me and my wing-man was at the back seat, solving awesome "tic-tac-toe" problems. You would ask me,
"WHY?SORCY!! Why are you not looking at the chicks?"
Well!! I would tell you why ? because, looking at chicks with physics lecture as background music is pretty depressing, its like watching porn with some Bollywood marriage song as the background music. We get super pissed off...Totally, a HUH! situation.

So we decided to spend time more in a productive way by solving tic-tac-toe. You know, that great minds get bored soo f[beep]ing easy doing the same thing over and over again like a stripper trying to climb on a greased pole..Right? It was not because I lost tic-tac-toe, 5 times in a row with him. My strategy of making him overconfident and then win the game was not working any more.
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WOW!!! We looked at the board and there our physics teacher had drawn one wave on top of another!!
"Situation....partner.We got a situation"




It was like the 69 of waves.
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Didn't I tell you, my wing-man is a quick learner.

My wing-man, who was sitting silently like a possum playing dead, was now behaving like a dog ticked by tics. He was becoming more and more restless. I gave him a look, which he acknowledged by a constipated grimace.

He began moving his table and dragging it; there by making sound waves in the class. His facial expression says "F[beep], There's something wrong with the legs of the table.It's not quiet right".
The whole class was looking at the last row, which means us.

According to our physics teacher, he was making noise in the class.
According to me, he was upto something sinister.
According to him, he was farting, trying to nullify the sound of fart with that of the sound of table moved on the floor.
According to me... I had no where to run. It was not at all environmental friendly. TOXIC!!

____________________


To be successful in life you need to implement what we learned in our classroom, in real life.



We know that sound waves of same frequency can be nullified, but if your fart frequency is on C minor, cover it up with sneezing at a high pitch or laughing out loud.
If still, your frequency supersedes the environmental frequency, act as if "Did you hear that...?","I bet I heard a Tyrannosaurus Rex. or was it Godzilla?"

Now imagine, you are the elevator with a cute chick, and you really..really wanted to sing with the rear end. How will you do it

1)If you have songs on your mobile phone, put a song on speaker mode and try to time your biological song (Song in analog mode)with the digital one.Shake your rear from one side to another for Dolby surround sound effect. I think the girl would be so impressed, when the high pitch reverberate around the walls of the elevator.
She would even say "I loved your ass shaking dance like Sreesanth during cricket match.But the smell was horrible."
Now, if she gives you that look, for that pungent smell and turns blue!!
you can tell her:"WOW!! girl, Did you notice that chemistry between us?"

2) If you are going up the elevator.

• You can press the button to go to the top floor
• FART
• Say "Houston...... We have a lift off..." as the elevator moves up.
  

and the girl who is with you in the elevator will think.."wow!!! I am going to the moon with this awesome astronaut in an elevator booth".
I am sure that, the damsel will be distressed and faint and you'd be there to grab her in your arms

and you'd say " Don't worry, everything will be ok, now you are safe?"

C'mon...don't be shy when she asks you for an autograph...Later!

____________________

"When you are a skunk, you learn 'ow to 'old your breath for a long time."-Pepe Le Pew

STORY OF AIRGUN MURUGAN

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.::CONVERSATION::.

Genius:Hey!!Whats should I tell this girl.She is asking me for my height.

Wiseguy:Tell her 8 inches.That was the internet standard when I checked last.
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Genius [On Phone with his Girl friend]:Okay...So.you want me... both ways..
*hangs up the phone

Genius:I need to go..

Sorcerer:Yeah!! She wants you both ways.
[Let here be High decibel laugh]

Genius:Well!! She needs to go for shopping, and she needs me to take her to the mall and bring her back.

Sorcerer:Oh!! you nick name it shopping. and mall?Brilliance..Sheer brilliance.I would say.

Genius:Okay Perverts...see ya!

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Cousin: Yay!! We are going to Goa for I.V [ Short for industrial visit]

Sorcerer:Don't come back with an H in front.

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Online_friend: You made tree for Christmas?

Sorcerer:We are too much into technology that, we made a file tree.

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SomeGenius: BRB.going to panty for a coffee

Sorcerer:Is that coffee machine with a slot, for coins?

SomeGenius:*PANTRY!! Man..I will never hear the end of that one.

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n00b: I am back

Sorcerer:*flush

n00b has logged off

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.::DIA MIRZA::.

Why did I title this blog post as Dia Mirza.

Because, this post "revolves" around Dia Mirza and an angil(Read:Uncle)

Ps:In this post you will come across a lot of Mallu defined terms, "Angil "should be understood as Uncle through out this post.

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Let us name the Hero of this story as Arun. A typical amchi local mallu guy(Keralite), His angil(Don't ask me who his uncle is, everyone who is elder in any family, other than own parent , is uncle/angil for a mallu.The males are called angil/ungil/unkil and the females are called aunty/aundy/aanty.)

Please..don't roll your beautiful eyes, I know truth hurts, but that's the way we mallu's are in simblifying things.

A typical conversation you could hear, if you are in Kerala

Guy 1: Who is that?
Guy 2: That's my angil.
Guy 1: And the other one.
Guy 2: That too is my other angil.

Not only this, when small kids don't eat their food, their n00b mom (n00b mom is when she has recently gave birth to her first child and is like a woman who has got a new microwave oven with lots of buttons, and not sure which buttons to press; I mean, learning to operate the kid and all)

Typical n00b mom will carry kid in her a arms and come out of her home, show the kid ,birds and flowers and trick the unsuspecting kid to eat more than it can chew.(It's actually a training for the kids for his later stage of his life to chew on entrance classes for Engineering/medical+guitar classes+Math tution+etc.etc)

Now, when the kid refuses to eat food and shakes his head, you can hear the n00b mom point to any stranger walking by and say to the kid "Eat it or I will give food to that angil". On hearing this, a typical mallu kid, aspiring to become an N.R.I and settle in Gelf(read:Gulf)after his studies, gobbles up the food. Call it mallu instinct.

Let us take another example of a girl talking to her mom, on how some angils helped her reach home when she lost her way.

"This angil saw me crying, in the bus stand, then came towards me with the other angil.They both asked me where my home was.I told them that my home is near a bearded angil's home. Then they asked my dad's name.On hearing my dad's name they said
"Oh! you are dotter(read :Daughter) of Satheesh Angil?"
I said yes. Then these angils, helped me reach my home. "Nice angils.Thank you angils."

What I meant to say it, you will hear the ungil word, when you are in kerala.
and about auntys.
Most of you guys will know Shakeela aunty. (The brand ambassador of soft porn from Kerala). Just do a simple 'image' search in GOOGLE. Type in Mallu and guess who pops up!!

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My awesome blog post also has an angil. A highly suspecting angil believes in the teachings of Carl Marx and Lenin; and calls me a shameless bureaucrat, because I don't wear red undies.

Well, he is not related to my family anyway, but if he is angil of Arun, he is our angil in general.(that means all of kerala on a macro level)

Why do I call him suspecting angil? Because he suspects us of anything;Thank God that he didn't blame Tsunami and Gelf war on us. When I say us, it means me and a few others, who always strive hard to make our world a better place.

Arun, was given a mobail (Read:Mobile) phone, when one of his angil came from Gelf. I asked him who this generous angil was. I was curious because, this angil from Gelf, gave us all lots of chocolates(HE GAVE US GUYS!!!! CHOCOLATES) which I suspect is given free by the airlines.

The kids gathered around the briefcase which he has brought from Gelf. He opened it and lots of soaps, more chocolates, spray(read:Deodorant) fell out of his briefcase. For a moment, I thought exactly the way you would think when you are in such a situation.

Arun was happy to get his mobail phone. He had written many emails to his angil in Gelf to bring him a mobail phone. He was like a 15 year old who got a love letter from his 13 year old girl friend when he got his phone.

Later that evening, we didn't see him, as he was doing his research on which telecom operator should he use for his mobail phone. Poor thing doesn't know that, which ever mobile operator you choose, you will never get a descent signal when you really want one.
With in a day, he had got new mobail connection. Next thing he did was upload as many wall paper as he can and ring tones into his mobile phone.

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You should know that, these so called angils in many mallu homes are like CIA agents. Appears when you least expect them to appear. I think if there is an award for 'being in the wrong place at the wrong time/right time' He should be our proud winner.
Whenever we are at the shopping mall, we can see him pop up at the same shopping floor just like the windows pop up messages which you get while watching porn on media player,telling that "You have performed an illegal operation."

Also these angils are given privileges to shamelessly put their head into any family issues and create more mess. These angils are very old artifacts, most of them would require a sticker saying "Angil..handle with care..", or "This side up..yours".
You would ask me, why do you allow them to give their suggestions? Well!! It's believed that their intelligence level gets better as they grow old., which is actually a myth. In reality most of them can't even get either of their heads up in situations..

There are these really old angils who could only speak..shh....shh....yeah kinda like the old bicycle pump. They too get to say their decisions in family issues.
In kerala, we have a saying "too many angils spoiled the brewery."

I said all these to understand that, Angils are actually, kinda powerful figures, diplomatically in a Mallu family.
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Arun's angil, used to say that "mobail phones" will make the kids bad. He always says that old way of using pigeon is best way to get message across. He believes in power to the people. Government can provide every one with a pigeon and people won't even have to pay for postage stamp.I know you will ask about them pooping.Right? Every pigeon is state property, so pigeon can poop any where in any state(pun intended).

When Arun got his mobail phone, he could communicate with any of us anytime. He used to rechrge his mobile for 50 INR and then call us all and ask us whether we had dinner and what do we think about the weather etc. He even tells us the cricket scores, though we are watching the same match on T.V.

Arun's angil suspected that, he is calling some GIRL every night. In reality, we know that he don't have anyone to call and if he ever feel like speaking to a girl, he would dial the customer care and ask the girl "how can I send text messages." and ask all sorts of technical questions to the girl. It is evident from his dialed list that he only calls to a few of us, who cares to pick his call and most of the calls would be made to the customer care.(Poor Thing. No?)

One day, we were having lunch at his home. His mom had made payasam, which is actually, why I didn't turn down the offer for a free lunch.(yay!! slurp..slurp) . His angil walks into the dining room. He sees that Arun has kept his phone on the dining table.

Angil picks up the phone, sees the picture of DIA MIRZA (A famous Bollywood Actress) , as it was the wall paper on his phone. Angil goes into that Kathi vesham in Kathakali.

Angil:So!! This is the girl who you are talking to every night?

DIA MIRZA? We really wanted to laugh out loud, but since we are taught not to laugh at elderly and dumb or both. Also, Arun's mom was more payasam for us; we didn't want to make her feel bad, laughing at her elder relative.

Arun:No Angil!

His answer was discarded as angil was under the impression that 'These Guys will never say the truth."
Angil gave him back the mobile phone.Angil still was not satisfied with the answer. He was giving us all the questioning look.
His next question will get another Dumbass award!!

Angil: Nair girl?

I really, couldn't control my laughter anymore.I grabbed my dish containing payasam and ran outside.I was followed by the rest of the team.

Angil thought that, we ran outside cuz; he had "FOUND OUT" about it

Angil:How long you know this girl?

Arun:Everyone knows her.

Angil:OHO!! "Everyone " knows her.Then how come I don't know her.
[Me too wondering angil]

Arun:Angil its Dia Mirz.

Angil:Dia Amirsha?What? You mean she is NOT NAIR?

Arun:Ayyoo..Angil,She is into acting.

Angil:An Acting Girl?

Arun:She is not my lover and I am not loving her.


Angil:See!! Don't try to fool me.I can see with both my eyes.I hear you talking to her every night, in English.I always has an eye on you.
[yeah!!Angil, we can also see, only.]

Arun:That is, when I call customer care.

Angil:Oh! She has a customer care?Which bank does she work with?

Arun:MOM!!! Tell him mom!
[Poor guy!! Asking for the help of his mom to help him from this situation]

Angil:Oho!! So your mom knows too?
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Arun:Mom!!! you could have helped me before the argument.

Arun's mom: I was really enjoying the way your uncle questioned you.
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Later, Arun comes out to join us after, having his 'lunch'.

We could read from his face "I have never met such a dumb angil before."

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