Monday, January 18, 2010

.::WINNING ARGUMENTS::.



My blog at times will have 'life saving' information like in Wikipedia. Since the name Wikipedia is already taken, I will name my life saving lessons, Sorcipedia.

This blog will feature blog posts on how to solve "Hows" in life. I know how happy you are now, when I said that. (Guys!! you can just wave at me, sitting where ever you are, girls..please feel free to hug me.)
Oh!! No!! It's just a part of my ever growing enthusiasm for social service, that is growing every day like interest on loan taken from ADB.

Such Series on HOW to's will be Categorized as "Sorcy's HOW TO". A Brand new series for those who are looking at life like "KEY BOARD ERROR, PRESS F1 TO CONTINUE".

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HOW TO WIN ARGUMENTS

WARNING:In case of a loss of cranium pressure, place the mask over your face to hide your terrified expression from the others near you

____________________

There are times, when you are tying hard to make your point and the person with whom you are arguing with raises their standard and say "Shove it 'up' your arse". Hearing this, you tend to think about all those pretty arses you have goggled, including the silicon ones, mostly from Brazil , loses your concentration and argument points and sit in the chair on your arse, losing the argument to the other side.
Classic case like a case of beer, always 1 short for a perfect 25.

Scenario 1:

You need a cup of coffee and "their" favorite program is happening on television. That means you won't get coffee unless "they" figure out how the homely girl on T.V got pregnant. "Whose kid is it anyway" thingy. I classify this as a 'COLD WAR' situation. where No words are exchanged and you sure is not gonna get coffee thingy.

What do you do?

Let me guess: Go to the refrigerator, take a whole bottle of chilled water, Imagine that its cold coffee and drink it.
Let us see, how we can 'turn things around'.

We are 'gentlemen'. So we fight the war "ART OF WAR" way.
Go near them, [ I know, you are just a speck of dust on TV screen for them] and ask them if someone can make you a cup of coffee.
For your humble and innocent statement, they give you a visual equivalent look of "Fcuk Off" or in general terms "Get lost." look.
..
..

For a change(Juggie..I took your awesome lines), just whistle a tune,(Like Mission Impossible or we shall over come ...song),waaalk/march in to the kitchen. Have that awesome winning grin on your face when you walk into the kitchen.
Remember, kitchen is "THEIR TERRITORY". Yes!! Now you have successfully 'infiltrated' into their territory.

Now, you are like a home plumber who is asked to fix the Hoover Dam leak. But still if you are like me, who can cook quiet extremely, fantastically, awesomely well [Yeah !! I do cook but for those who is feeling the heat of my statement and turning color... I just want to show that extremely, fantastically and awesomely.. all ends with 'y'], make a complete 'situation' out of the kitchen. No!!! Don't give me that frown guys!! I am gonna give you the source code for winning the cold war.

Step 1: Sing aloud. [This is to get their attention and warn them that, you are in their territory and is extremely happy about it. Yes!! Iconically Ironic Situation.]

Step 2:Make noise with plates and utensils.[ Just drop the spoon on the floor a couple of times. Yes! remember these plates and utensils are like "their" soul mates. At times you have heard their soul mates talking aloud when you forget their birthday's .Right?]

Step 3:Since you are a cleanliness freak, forget the fact that you forgot to take bath in the morning, but then again, make sure that you wash every thing you had your hands on at least 10 times, there by making their territory that resembles Cherrapunji.

Step 4:Call out the name: Ask questions like.."Where have you kept that..this..that..etc etc" , Make sure that you put enough 'Threat' in that voice.

By this time, someone from "Their" clan will come in running, will nearly faint seeing the Kitchen, will ask you to 'kindly move away' as they will oblige for the request to make the coffee.
[It's also advisable to move away even before they ask you to. We are gentlemen. no?]

Nope!!! DON'T RUN OFF!! Stay at the border area. Yes!! in next 5 minutes you have the coffee in your hands and you have successfully succeeded the Cold War.

Please!! Don't forget to say "Thank you.". Nothing pleases them more than a "Thank you, you look cute with that raised eyebrows!!"

Next time, you sing a song and march into the kitchen... You can hear them ask "COFFEE?"

____________________

Scenario 2:

Ever done the mistake of starting an argument with a girl? ( I classify this statement as 'past tense' as there would be no wiki entry of 'mistake of starting an argument with a girl' any more, after this blog post.)
I have personally seen or heard or read about what an act of argument can leave on human males, that include 'black eye and few tufts of hair missing.' [ Now..where have I read that before?]

My research on "argument(s)" has proved that men are logical creatures, where we try to prove that our logic is superior to others even though it means ending in infinite loop and a core dump.
On the other hand, females(For many males, the other hand is the female) are emotional creatures and most of their decisions are made by emotions rather than logic. [ Ever wondered why a smelly teddy bear takes your position in bed? Ever asked for logical explanation behind pink color].

Apparently every one knows it.(Sanjog Said so! I don't even know the meaning of the word 'apparent'). I say its a "duh!!" statement.

Still, Why does men loose argument?
My awesome research has concluded that men loose argument because

1)We can't match the HIGH PITCH voice of a female arguing. Which is their WEAPON OF MASS ATTENTION.

2)We get distracted by those..2 thingies..err..like ..errr..the eyes *gulp and the Happy Valley the bum bum thingies. We won't know where to place our adjectives and verbs. I call it as pronoun trouble.

"I was excited , it spoiled my grammar"-Sorcerer


3)Married men don't want to sleep on the floor, that too on this winter days, after winning an argument.

4)Diamond rings cost more than arguments.

5)Kiss and making up happens on T.V. Not much in real life after an argument. In real life, the males ends up kissing the house good bye after the argument.

Okay!! That was the top awesome findings of my research.But !! NO!!! please guys!! Not that :( again.Turn it upwards like this (:

I will give you the source code for winning too..yeah..precompiled. All you need to do is follow the SOP of following it.

[ Here there be arguments]

#$&Q#&$(*&#&Q#($
#&Q#^Q#*^$#
#&(@)( oh!!no!!!!#&$(#&$

Female:Stop that you donkey!

Male:Yeah!I really don't want to argue with you.[ Dramatic Pause]

Female:yeah!! Rrrrriiiiggggghhhhhtttt!!! ( That's sarcasm dragged on a hard surface.)

Male[Dramatic Play]:.... Cuz.."Once a great thinker and philosopher said wise and intelligent men, never waste time arguing with females, Since me being wise and highly intelligent..."

Female: Who said that?

Don't answer that/Any question, just give a pathetic look, kinda like "How you pass the entrance examinations to kindergarden" look and whistle and walk away. Once you are out of 'visible range'. from 'female'. Do the victory dance.[ Cuz pillows can hurt even though soft on soft spots. You don't wanna sing lullaby when peeing. Do ya?]

..
..

There is another way to win an argument. According to the 'Art of War' by Sun Tzu

Chapter 3"

古之所善戰者,勝於易勝者也

"What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease."


Imagine that the argument is about to start. Okies..Now!! Do I have to tell you how to know when the argument is about to start?
It's when you start experiencing stutter in words, when you start feeling that there is a drop in oxygen level around you. Actually its some kind of gut instinct. Yeah!! you feel like your gut is not gonna hold the instincts any more.

And the girl breathes heavy, her nose flares up, trying to snort you in, in one awesome breathe. intake.The FANGS are out, the whole of her body turns into that like a pouncing cat. You hear the .purrrrring sound from deep down her throat..And she is not letting you complete the sentence(no!! not kissing thing!!)

Such are the symptoms of starting an argument.

When you are in such a situation even before the argument starts...

go "YES ?YES ..HA HA HA.. I knew it..!! I knew it!!"

Throw your fists in the air. Jump up and down like the Duracell bunny a
nd Walk out.

Meaning!! Do the Victory dance before the argument starts and walk out.

This action and your reaction will
leave the female mad cuz she would be thinking in loop. And imagine...what's more prettier than a female in loop. [ I personally prefer to visualize those females who is wearing a tutu with a loop around her waist.]
____________________

Please feel free to try any of the 'applied argument dynamics' while you are arguing with a female.

Caution: Always Stand Sideways when you are starting an argument.
If there is an emergency, place your head between your knees and kiss your Z-Ay-U-N good bye.

Good Luck !! My Gladiators!!!!!!
Men, there is no sacrifice greater than someone elses
..
..

Gad, I'm such a genius

Ouch!!

__________________________+

37 comments:

Chhaya said...

hehe. Sexist or not, a fun read!

most of the scenarios will never apply to me, even though i m a girl. i wud always go for a coffee over anything that comes on TV, and that included everything other than Cricket. i hardly watch anything else on the idiot box.

most of my arguments end with an OK. i anyways do what i wanna do, so why bother making someone feel bad by dragging them through endless conversations!

:D

Sorcerer said...

@chhaya
Its not a sexist blog post.Its just for fun as the world knows..what happens when we start an argument

anishthomas said...

ROFL...how do u write all these ...anyways kudos to the creator of Sorcipedia :)

D said...

Dude... Sorcy these aren't tips to win arguments... these are tips on how to AVOID arguments...none of these scenarios involves any actual arguments... your 'Guy' has avoided a confrontation every single time..so no actual 'wins'here cos u can't win wat u didn start!!!

But I do like the post...i'm gonna try the coffee thing next time when i'm at my friends' place and ppl(guys AND girls included) don make coffee for me, cos everybody knows letting me into the kitchen would lead to disastrous consequences..

Sorcerer said...

@D
Oye!! I knew it.>I knew it.. you will find a loop hole in my blog Cases.
Lawyer is a lawyer is a lawyer is a lawyer.
yeah AVOID arguments..yes yes..thats it..
Whats the score now D?

*rolls eyes
and yeah.about trying the coffee thing..
D...errr..hmmm... do blog about that 'disastrous consequences'.
I would really love to read.

@anishthomas
Thank you buddy for the comment
Ya know..necessity is the mother of invention.

bondgal_rulz said...

And "mankind" has more to thank you for. :P

Sorcerer said...

@bondgal_rulz

I hope!!
:) but then again its just a social service..

SindhuBhairavi said...

so ur awsome cooking ends with 'why'? :)

so we win caz of our high pitch voice! :) good finding..

enjoyed reading it.! keep writing..

Sorcerer said...

@sindhuBhairavi

haha!!! yeah..why..why..maggi takes more than 2 minutes

:)

My Foot? said...

After reading this, I've begun to wonder whether you're a single girl who hates the male section of the human race to the extent that you're trying to get every guy's butt kicked. Fool proof plan!
just kidding.

One thing's for sure. Its best to avoid a battle that you can't win. I've had my share of ridiculous, illogical, verbal battles with people from both sexes (individually separate, most of the time).

Looking forward to more 'How to's. They might not work but imagining the scenarios makes my day.

The coffee trick is a complete #WIN though!

Sorcerer said...

@MyFoot
My blog posts come with a warning..
please don't try these at home. These are just good for reading ..
kinda like books on Nuclear Physics and God Particles..

The Bald Guy said...

You kidding me dude???

Sorcerer said...

@the bald guy
psst..pssstt...its just to throw them off the trial..its a conspiracy post like the alien and Bermuda triangle..

We all know..how well we can win arguments..its our men thing dude!!
shhh...!!!

Quirky said...

1)First things first-
'black eye and few tufts of hair missing' Ahem.. If you go this way you will soon get a black eye from me;)

2)Loved the kitchen walla one

3)Your chapter 3.You have a winner! I got mad just thinking of someone doing that Duracell bunny @%#^&!!%$#%$!

Saurabh Panshikar said...

Dude why don you start a 'solutions' post?
people can post their awesome problems in the comments and you may reply to them in any awesome way you want!

Oxymoron said...

oh sorcy.....what have you done...these three ways were supposed to be a secret...our only chance of escape.... but now 'they' know all about them...no man will ever come out of an argument laughing.. :D.

Karthik said...

Awesome! Hilarious post as usual. I wonder how you come up with such things every time.

Saadi said...

Awesome section, man!!! Looking forward to more enteries of 'Sorcypedia'....ur a true original one-of-a-kind comedian!

Great, man!

Saadi said...

Awesome section, man!!! Looking forward to more enteries of 'Sorcypedia'....ur a true original one-of-a-kind comedian!

Great, man!

Sakshi said...

Sorcy- Really!! This works? Even like D said, to avoid arguments? and Like BG said- Are you kidding me!!!

I laughed like hell when I read the post though!!

Uncommon Sense said...

the last one, walking away before the argument starts was a cool one.. funny as always...

dilontherocks said...

haha..Yes You are a gennious.

Here get ur hug for the how-to's.

BTW, trick from scenario 1 is not gonna work on most of us. We are kinda of into asking that somebody whistling in the kitchen to make coffee and also dinner. :))

$$ said...

Hahahaa...!! That was indeed informative! :)

Cheers!

susie said...

bwahahahhaa sorcy.. u know both the 1st and 2nd idea of urs have backfired :P :P :P and the 3rd.. ?? nobody in his right senses would dare to try that.. would he??
and as DD said, they rnt tips to win the argument they are tips to avoid them



Hahahahahha

Queenmatrai said...

What gets my goat is the Pink Panther score, especially when its whistled or hummed in a constant loop...
Argh...

Sorcerer said...

@queenmatrai

*make a mental note of it
pinkpanther score in loop gets the goat.

@scoozie
DD says things..DD always says things..DD is a lawyer.>a lawyer is a lawyer is a lawyer is a lawyer.

at times, things can bakfire. For every action there is an equal and ridiculously surprising action.

@$$
yes...welcome to the section of sorcipedia..
thanks for the comment

@dilonrocks
thanks for the hugs!! and the comment

@uncommonsense
hi buddy!!
thanks for the comment mate

@sakshi
D is a peace loving multicellular lawyer organism.so
BG...I think he will thank me once he tries these awesome tricks

@saadi
thanks buddy! I will keep em original!!:)

@karthik
thanks for the comment buddy!

@oxymoron.

Its a conspiracy dude..now they never dare argue..
its a tactical maneuver

@saurabh
thank you..for the suggestion.I was actually wondering about that...i mean..yeah..I should start a section like that.

@quirky
black eye!! wow!! I love improvements.. is that gonna be something permanent?
see..I tell the truth not only the truth but the truth...duracell thingy..

Wicked Witch of the West said...

Haha funny :D And to think I was going about it all wrong, using sheer fear in the opponent to win arguments.

Antarman said...

Hillarious:):), good sense of humour,loved reading it.

Sorcerer said...

@WWW
thank you for the comment.yeah..Sorcipedia..firing up ahead!!!

@antarman
thank you buddy :)

D said...

the score is something like D-777 Sorcmon-3.....


and wat u mean by D says things, she ALWAYS says things? the things I say make complete sense okay....


Ok blog on kitchen disasters coming up soon....

Sorcerer said...

@D
Oye!! Sorc MON? See..Manga Dolly!! yeah thats it!! woke up from delusion?
DD always says things cuz..shes a lawyer!! always.

777?

waiting for kitchen disaster!!
is it about when you made chicken..or..when your made maggi or..yeah may be you are talking about that cup of coffee.thingy..

Me said...

i..i.. just want to hit you sorcy, and beat u into pulp...u know, just out of pure admiration..honest ;)
super post man.

Sorcerer said...

@me
thank you..thank you..
:)

BK Chowla said...

This is amongst the most hilarious posts I have read.
Keep writing such posts more often.

Sorcerer said...

@Bk Chowla
thank you sir, Thank you for the comment.

Megha said...

lol...where all these scenarios come from ?

Meenakshi said...

sorcipedia.. why only for guys??? give us some hints to deal with the guys too.. u know tips to win them too.. :)