Monday, September 12, 2011

.:: 36 C ::.

"Life has a way of teaching us some valuable arse saving lessons, though its a Sunday with chances of some heavy rain."

Yesterday, harmless me, was having my lunch peacefully. I was grazing on the green things cooked organically, to preserve the awesome yucky taste. I was busy racially discriminating green chillies from the rest of the green things in the 'All-Green' recipe dish in-order to avoid a political unrest in my stomach,later; that's when the phone starts winking at me ,nagging like a 3 year old on cold-beer-'Pick me up..Pick me up..pick me up".


I picked up the call.

"Hello.Are you free this afternoon?" asked the cold familiar voice on the other end.
Well,with half the world in total disorder,and the world screwing itself own its own axis, I think theres nothing much I could do to help with that.So...

"Yeah..I could be free.What is it that you want of me?" I beamed back.
"hmmmmmm...Need your expert advice, on something.I will come by your home, pick you up and then we go to Calicut." he said and disconnected the call.

Now..This is the problem with having an awesome brain and watching National Geographic Channel too much everyday. People...People Need EXPERT ADVICE."
Price one has to pray for being so..intellinent.Good God..Why me?

He is one of my best friends, whom I have known since childhood. In our friends circle, he used to be our crash dummy for various velocity related tests. Though his roles varied from time to time-from crash dummy to equipment for buoyancy test, he managed to be humble enough and  kept his IQ level at 0.


With in half an hour we were on the road, dodging traffic en-route, Calicut.

Me:So...Whats it that you need advice on?

Buddy:Well, ya know I need to gift something for my Girl Friend on Onam.

Me:Awwww.The Onam got over this Saturday and Today is Sunday.I mean..Are you alright?..... Well..disregard that question. You are doing well enough for a retard anyway.

Buddy:Its a gift alright..I mean anyone can gift anything for anyone at anyone.

Me:You lost me with your grammar.So..what do you have in mind?

Buddy:Something useful.

Me:Wow! thats really cool.Something Screwdriver, Can-Opener, Samurai Sword.

Buddy:Nope..Something cool like.. a ..a book.

Me:Man...your wisdom exceeds your ears...just a bit.What kind of book.A Cook Book..Gift her a Cook Book.

Buddy:Nope.She cooks well.

Me:When you say that next time..add some confidence in your voice.Alright?

Buddy:How about Gifting her a DRESS?

Me:DRESS?What do you mean DRESS?

Buddy:Clothes, ya know the thing they wear.

Me:GWAD!!! Thats suicidal?You are dragging me all the way to HUNT for Clothes, in the WOMAN'S section in some awesome mall .Do ya have ANY IDEA! I mean..dude, ya know its complicated. Theres a lot of equation and complex mathematics, that goes into the selection of a womans clothes.Those secrets a woman will never reveal.Alright? and....
Before I could complete, my mouth went dry,I needed water.

Buddy:Okay.You just need to come with me to the mall.I will look around.We grab the first thing we find.Rush to the counter.Pay out and Exit.The whole thing will take just less than 5 mins.Even before the sales people knew what happens, we will be out of the mall, on the way home.

Me:You sure?I mean, I will be in some other section like outside.

Buddy:.Nope.You are gonna come with me inside the mall.You gonna help me with my quest.C'mon who else can I trust such missions with?

I was in a Classic hostage situation .The odds were stacked against me.The situation felt like , me standing in front of the empire state building of Odds and staring at its dirty windows.

AAAAAAAARRRGGGHh..who invented the Central Locking System in the CAR!!!!

We entered the city limits, swearing at a truck driver.Shortsighted Bozo with large tires stuck down his ass.
The city was still waking up from the hangover of Saturday night Party and Onam festivals.People swarmed the buses like ants swarming on a lazy grasshopper. Last day of holiday week.Such things are expected. We ditched the car under the fly over at Mavoor Road.

Now..Only a few minutes for the moment.


Me:Any idea what we are gonna look at?

Buddy:Hmmm...Nope.We 'improvise.'

Me:On what?
That became a rhetorical question. I know he is under a lot of pressure and people do use random words, to sound smart in such situations. Thank you Freudian for that book on mental thing.
Me:Hey, Just Stop.STOP. Do you know her size?I mean dress size.We should have something to work with.Alright?

Buddy.Hmmm..I remember her telling me, her dress size is 36 C.

Me:36 C?What the Heck! I mean is that like that for woman?I mean for us guys its M,XL,L XXL etc etc.Are you sure?

Buddy:They use a different metric system.Involving Trigonometry.May be for them its like that.As I said..We 'improvise'

Seriously, my buddy is under a looooot of pressure.Trying to crack a joke with random smart sounding word.Gwad..This is seriously getting out of hand.


We entered a premium mall  .I felt a choke, a chill and something fired along my spinal column, on the inside.Gwad..I am doing this?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! The woman's section welcomed us in FULL Glory!Thank fully apart from a few chicks, probably from NIT-Calicut and a few couples and a few sales staff and a few kids running around like misguided missiles, the shopping floor was empty.

Me:Dude..Just as planned, we go in ..grab the first thing.....
My voice trailed off seeing the variety of options available on each category of dresses.

Me:Okay..Alright..go in, close your eyes, grab something and we bounce out..after paying.
My friend had his eys fixated on a T-Shirt , A blue one.

Me:Grab it..Grab it..go go go go...Move it move it..Move it Soldier..
I played the Iraq invasion on him.He pretended to play the part of the dumb camel in the Iraq desert.

He moved as if levitating towards the blue T-Shirt.I followed him closer.

Buddy:Hey.This will look okay on her.

Me:Hmmm...I like the color Blue.As you said, just look at the TAG on the T-Shirt to see if its 36C and if it is..we take it and bounce.

Saying that I looked back, to see if some one is over hearing our confusion.The College CHICKS were looking at us and giggling.
C'mon girls..ya know you should not be so mean to us guys.See, I have a goatee and I havent shaved, which clearly says I am NOT a cross dresser. I dont have painted nails and lip gloss.So..Well..Ya know's not for me. Well, I am pretty good with figures but not on the math side.Alright?

Buddy:It doesnt say 36C.It says 28/L.

Me:Now what is 28 divided By L.Whats the value of L. L stands for what?

Buddy pulls the T-Shirt inside out to see if there is any more clues left on it to decipher the code.

Me:Hey..Wait..I will flag down a sales staff and ask for help.

Buddy:Hey find a sales girl who is almost as big as my girl.

Me:Yeah so that we can just ask her, "Does it suit you?".Problemo Solved.Man..That was some ingenious thinking.

After hunting around the mall for sales staff, found a lonley sales staff chick.Contraty to what was expected, this sales staff chick was a feet short.

Me:Excuse me..Errr...I Want..I mean he wants some help over there.
The sales chick came with the Standard Format Smile.

Buddy:Err..What exactly is the size of this.

Sales Staff:Hmmm..28/L


Sales Staff:What size are you looking at?

Buddy:36 C

Sales Staff opens her mouth wide..jaw dropping..trying to control her laughter.I sensed that, there is something awesomely wrong, in the  answer which my buddy gave.So to make the better of the situation.I thought I would 'improvise.'Anyway 36 as a number suits well for jeans..

Me:Errr..that ..that is the size of her jeans.Aint it?

Buddy:yeah yeah..36....C

He prefered to stick on to the 'C'. This is what happens when your nerves are embarassed and are popping signals like popcorn in the oven.The tongue moves in Hebrew.

Sales Staff: 36....C is her Jeans?Okay

Me:It Could be.I mean without the C..probably.I mean..

Sales Staff:What exactly are we looking at?

Me:We are looking at a blue T-Shirt.

I said that pointing to the T-Shirt in her hands.

Sales Staff:Nope.I asked her measurement.

Buddy:Ohh..okay..she is 14 inches shoulder to shoulder.

He said that like a ROBOT.

Sales staff went to get a measuring tape.

Well..The rest of the shopping was done, in almost silence.Moving from section to section, my friend took out  dresses which he thinks is okay. Passes it on to the Sales staff. She dutifully measures it ..and keeps it back on the shelf or nod her head..saying its indeed 14 inches shoulder to shoulder.

Then the sales staff, joined us in the 'Top-Hunting' contest and suggested us what ever things in color blue and shades of it which is 14 inch S-S.

After spending almost "2 hours" inside the mall, and 2 different sales staff coming to help us, my friend chose a blue top for his girl.

Aaaarrrghhh..I think we were the joke of the day, between the sales staff, as I could see them laughing in groups staring at us.
Must be the 36 C. Gwad!!


Sales Staff:So finally, you got it.


Me:Now I know why girls spend too much time.Ya know there is more parameteres and variables to check than a pre-flight check on an Airbus.


After coming out of the mall we got into the car.

Buddy:Hey.ya know we chose this cloth on just 1 parameter.I that okay?What if it is too tight?

Me:Hmmm..Ya know..send her a text message saying "Either the dress fits or you better shape in." .The best part is you are actually motivating her to stay in shape.

Buddy:Hmmmm....We 'improvise'..Right?

Me:There is always a scope.

Buddy:We could have brought her a sari!!
Me:Yes,Aaarrgh..Why didn't we think of it then.A sari is like one size fits all pajama.