.::GYM::.

You know, at times, when we are retrospecting and introspecting, and your mind decides to play a practical prank on you.

Conscious:Dude!!

Me: Yes?

Conscious: Look at you, Are you in shape?

Me: Yes! So far so good. Managed to stay in one piece.

Conscious: So, you don't want to make 6 pack and 8 pack abs?

Me:Is that in the job contract?

Conscious: Nope!! but you know how..girls check out guyz.. they kinda check the...

Me: Abs?

Conscious:YES!!! Don't you know that? You wanna die a virgin?

Me:I am doing jogging everyday, and...I think I am fit. If I want ribbed abs, what are sketch pens for?

Conscious:In the park, I know.Are you really giving a good work out for all your muscles?

Me:Yes

Conscious:Only to your eye muscles, that strains to see the rear of girls running ahead of you in the early morning light. You always, run behind them.Don't ya.

Me:Ladies First!! See..I am a gentleman.Okay?

This way my mind managed to trick me into going to the GYM!

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..

I got this good neighbor guy, who always supports anything that has to do with me running into a wall. [I very well know that WALL is not a girl!] . I asked my neighbor if he would like to come with me to the GYM. He was kinda skeptical, but he thinks that since I work with computers and all everything I do is what intellectuals do and he blindly copies me, exactly like a few others I know.

That day evening, we went to the GYM , filled in the application form. Since we were n00b to the GYM, the gym instructor gave us Tour-De-Gym. He showed us different machines and assured us that, we would have muscles the size of Pamela's implants,but on our biceps and triceps when we work on these machines. We were impressed.Very impressed.


We can't wait to get started on those awesome machines and build muscles from day one.

..
..

The next day, I know the girls in the park must have missed me. I know they would have missed my awesome sexy legs in the shorts. Sorry girls, I am in ze Gym makin ze muscles.
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..

We were quiet excited, there were some other n00bs too. The instructor came and showed us some ground exercises.

Me:It's all because of you

Conscious: Har har har *snort *snort

Me:Water...Water....Water...

After the vigorous ground exercise, I believed in the theory that the earth was actually tilted and is rotating on its own axis. I went near the water dispenser to get a glass of water.
"Nooo...Don't drink water now."Called out my fitness trainer.

What does he think I am.CAMEL?

When I see all those awesome muscled celebrity pics on the wall, I was like.."One day..me too."

I think 5 or 6 days went, without me never touching any awesome machinery like the dumbbells etc etc.

I could feel even the muscles that control the lil hair on my pinky finger aching. I could feel each muscles on my body when I sneezed or coughed. Well!! that was just the beginning.

I really wanted to protest. I don't want to be doing this 'CIRCUS ACT' with the ground exercises for the money I paid, which could feed me lots of Maggi Noodles. I want to climb up the gym chain and I want to 'pump iron' and make some 'serious' muscles.

..
..

The next day, was the day I was dreaming of. Me with dumbbells and the dumb look to match it.
I did the exercise thingy with that, as 'prescribed' by the instructor. I could feel my muscles tighten as I scratched the back of my head with my hands.[ For those, who never been to GYM. This is one symptom that assures you that you are indeed becoming a 'professional body builder.]

There was this guy who was doing chest press he was making all noise aloud as if he was having sex. It sounded like a mating call of a buffalo. Everyone around him was trying hard to control the laughter, but my problem was I could not lift the dumbbells because, the freaking muscles wanted to laugh.
Later,I was happy, as I could feel the muscles 'tight' on my biceps.
..
..

I was in my office coding with my new muscled fingers. The click clack of the keyboard echoed around in my cabin.

I stood up and my hand was now on 'Anti-Gravity'. When ever I stand, my hands should drop down, automatically. That is the 'default ' setting.Right? BUT!! my hand was half bend at the joint.
I was walking around the office like a ROBOT. My understanding friends made beep beep and other mechanical sounds as I walked. Too much for screen music in real life.
*sigh

[CAUTION: Using dumbbell exercise on other body part to get Anti Gravity Effect would lead to impotency in males. You would probably be doing world a favor.]

My hand never moved a few inches upward and downward, without much effort. Drinking coffee was a pain in the hands. Tossing the coffee cup at the wastebasket, was another pain.
See, it happens because, all your new muscles that are new born still needs to learn these things.No?
..
..

Next day morning, I went to the gym and many hibernating muscles woke-up. My gym instructor asked me to do CRUNCHES, after my routine exercise with the gym machinery. I sang a wonderful song that day, while at the loo.

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will

Well I will

Bathing was another whole new learning process. Since I could not lift my hands, I had to hold my hands together in front of me and then rub my face in the hands[ Normally we rub hands on face.Right?] to apply soap on my face.

To apply soap on the back of your body, It's another ingenious technique .For those n00b gym goers I will tell you how to do it.

• Wash the tiled wall of your bathroom
• Apply soap on the wall
• Rub your back against the soaped wall.

Viola!! that's the way to apply soap on your back till your hands are alright.

I know drying up is a daunting task. I will tell you how to dry yourself in such situations.
soon after bathing, move to an isolated spot in the bathroom and jump up and down.This will make sure that water droplets get naturally gravitified.
Spread a big towel on the bed. [Considering that your bathroom has an attached bedroom]
Roll over on the towel.
Use effective use of ceiling fan for good results.
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..

One day, my gym instructor caught me ignoring the work out for the thigh muscles and other muscles whose name he can only spell. He made me do sit ups and also use an awesome machine.End result made me feel like I was walking on air. I couldn't feel from my waist down.
I had to check if things are still intact and in correct place from waist down[OH GWAD!!]

The awesome thing is that, the gym was on the second floor and I was standing at the staircase looking down helplessly. The guys who were coming into the gym , saw me standing there and asked me "oh!! Did the work out for legs and thighs. Eh?"
One guy, helped me get down the stairs on to dear earth.




As days passed by and I learned new things

1) The weighing machine in the gym is always rigged.

2)Muscles always look bigger in pictures and in the gym mirror.

3)Pumping weights to the rhythm of the music will get you muscle cramps and its funny for on lookers.

4)Some people make horrible noise while having sex..err..What ever..I pity their girl friends and wifeys. At times I used to wonder if some bear is having its periods.[Bear on mating season..is what I intended]

5)Make sure that the Keys are tight before you pull on any "pulling thingy machinery" to avoid literally crashing into the wall.

6)Make sure that, your track suit is tied tight. You don't want your track suit to come loose while you are straining to lift a weight.

7)Sing the 'ROW ROW ROW DE BOAT' when you are using the rowing machine. It's cool. It keeps people away from you better than your smelly gym suit.

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One day, I was waiting to do my push-ups, as you know the gym floor is limited. like parking space in front of a mall on Saturday. After waiting for some 20 minutes, one guy moved out.I quickly grabbed that position. I was doing my push-ups. One n00b guy came, with his dumbbells and was standing with his legs on either side of me.
WTF?...yeah Exactly that's what I thought.

I looked up at him and was like "WTF?" [ I didn't say that, but that was what I intended by that look.]
He replied.
"Let me too make some muscles."

These are people on whose head the crows shall poop.
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