Monday, January 25, 2010

.::GYM::.

You know, at times, when we are retrospecting and introspecting, and your mind decides to play a practical prank on you.

Conscious:Dude!!

Me: Yes?

Conscious: Look at you, Are you in shape?


Me: Yes! So far so good. Managed to stay in one piece.

Conscious: So, you don't want to make 6 pack and 8 pack abs?

Me:Is that in the job contract?

Conscious: Nope!! but you know how..girls check out guyz.. they kinda check the...

Me: Abs?

Conscious:YES!!! Don't you know that? You wanna die a virgin?

Me:I am doing jogging everyday, and...I think I am fit.
If I want ribbed abs, what are sketch pens for?

Conscious:In the park, I know.Are you really giving a good work out for all your muscles?


Me:Yes

Conscious:Only to your eye muscles, that strains to see the rear of girls running ahead of you in the early morning light. You always, run behind them.Don't ya.


Me:Ladies First!! See..I am a gentleman.Okay?


This way my mind managed to trick me into going to the GYM!

..
..

I got this good neighbor guy, who always supports anything that has to do with me running into a wall. [I very well know that WALL is not a girl!] . I asked my neighbor if he would like to come with me to the GYM. He was kinda skeptical, but he thinks that since I work with computers and all everything I do is what intellectuals do and he blindly copies me, exactly like a few others I know.

That day evening, we we
nt to the GYM , filled in the application form. Since we were n00b to the GYM, the gym instructor gave us Tour-De-Gym. He showed us different machines and assured us that, we would have muscles the size of Pamela's implants,but on our biceps and triceps when we work on these machines. We were impressed.Very impressed.


We can't wait to get started on those awesome machines and build muscles from day one.


..

..

The next day, I know the girls in the park must have missed me. I know they would have missed my awesome sexy legs in the shorts. Sorry girls, I am in ze Gym makin ze muscles.
..
..

We were quiet excited, there were some other n00bs too. The instructor came and showed us some ground exercises.


Me:It's all because of you

Conscious: Har har har *snort *snort

Me:Water...Water....Water...


After the vigorous ground exercise, I believed in the theory that the earth was actually tilted and is rotating on its own axis. I went near the water dispenser to get a glass of water.
"Nooo...Don't drink water now."Called out my fitness trainer.

What does he think I am.CAMEL?

When I see all those awesome muscled celebrity pics on the wall, I was like.."One day..me too."

I think 5 or 6 days went, without me never touching any awesome machinery like the dumbbells etc etc.

I could feel even the muscles that control the lil hair on my pinky finger aching. I could feel each muscles on my body when I sneezed or coughed. Well!! that was just the beginning.

I really wanted to protest. I don't want to be doing this 'CIRCUS ACT' with the ground exercises for the money I paid, which could feed me lots of Maggi Noodles. I want to climb up the gym chain and I want to 'p
ump iron' and make some 'serious' muscles.

..
..

The next day, was the day I was dreaming of. Me with dumbbells and the dumb look to match it.

I did the exercise thingy with that, as 'prescribed' by the instructor. I could feel my muscles tighten as I scratched the back of my head with my hands.[ For those, who never been to GYM. This is one symptom that assures you that you are indeed becoming a 'professional body builder.]

There was this guy who was doing chest press he was making all noise aloud as if he was having sex. It sounded like a mating call of a buffalo. Everyone around him was trying hard to control the laughter, but my problem was I could not lift the dumbbells because, the freaking muscles wanted to laugh.
Later,
I was happy, as I could feel the muscles 'tight' on my biceps.
..
..

I was in my office coding with my new muscled fingers. The click clack of the keyboard echoed around in my cabin.

I stood up and my hand was now on 'Anti-Gravity'. When ever I stand, my hands should drop down, automatically. That is the 'default ' setting.Right? BUT!! my hand was half bend at the joint.
I was walking around the office like a ROBOT. My understanding friends made beep beep and other mechanical sounds as I walked. Too much for screen music in real life.
*sigh


[CAUTION: Using dumbbell exercise on other body part to get Anti Gravity Effect would lead to impotency in males. You would probably be doing world a favor.]

My hand never moved a few inches upward and downward, without much effort. Drinking coffee was a pain in the hands. Tossing the coffee cup at the wastebasket, was another pain.
See, it happens because, all your new muscles that are new born still needs to learn these things.No?
..
..


Next day morning, I went to the gym and many hibernating muscles woke-up. My gym instructor asked me to do CRUNCHES, after my routine exercise with the gym machinery. I sang a wonderful song that day, while at the loo.

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will

Well I will

Bathing was another whole new learning process. Since I could not lift my hands, I had to hold my hands together in front of me and then rub my face in the hands[ Normally we rub hands on face.Right?] to apply soap on my face.

To apply soap on the back of your body, It's another ingenious technique .For those n00b gym goers I will tell you how to do it.
  • Wash the tiled wall of your bathroom
  • Apply soap on the wall
  • Rub your back against the soaped wall.
Viola!! that's the way to apply soap on your back till your hands are alright.

I know drying up is a daunting task. I will tell you how to dry yourself in such situations.
soon after bathing, move to an isolated spot in the bathroom and jump up and down.This will make sure that water droplets get naturally gravitified.
Spread a big towel on the bed. [Considering that your bathroom has an attached bedroom]
Roll over on the towel.
Use effective use of ceiling fan for good results.
..
..


One day, my gym instructor caught me ignoring the work out for the thigh muscles and other muscles whose name he can only spell. He made me do sit ups and also use an awesome machine.End result made me feel like I was walking on air. I couldn't feel from my waist down.
I had to check if things are still intact and in correct place from waist down[OH GWAD!!]

The awesome thing i
s that, the gym was on the second floor and I was standing at the staircase looking down helplessly. The guys who were coming into the gym , saw me standing there and asked me "oh!! Did the work out for legs and thighs. Eh?"
One guy, helped me get down the stairs on to dear earth.




As days passed by and I learned new things

1) The weighing machine in the gym is always rigged.

2)Muscles always look bigger in pictures and in the gym mirror.

3)Pumping weights to the rhythm of the music will get you muscle cramps and its funny for on lookers.

4)Some people make horrible noise while having sex..err..What ever..I pity their girl friends and wifeys. At times I used to wonder if some bear is having its periods.[Bear on mating season..is what I intended]

5)Make sure that the Keys are tight before you pull on any "pulling thingy machinery" to avoid literally crashing into the wall.

6)Make sure that, your track suit is tied tight. You don't want your track suit to come loose while you are straining to lift a weight.

7)Sing the 'ROW ROW ROW DE BOAT' when you are using the rowing machine. It's cool. It keeps people away from you better than your smelly gym suit.

____________________

One day, I was waiting to do my push-ups, as you know the gym floor is limited. like parking space in front of a mall on Saturday. After waiting for some 20 minutes, one guy moved out.I quickly grabbed that position. I was doing my push-ups. One n00b guy came, with his dumbbells and was standing with his legs on either side of me.
WTF?...yeah Exactly that's what I thought.

I looked up at him and was like "WTF?" [ I didn't say that, but that was what I intended by that look.]
He replied.
"Let me too make some muscles."

These are people on whose head the crows shall poop.
__________________________+

31 comments:

bondgal_rulz said...

ZOMG!!! this was HILARIOUS!!!

ROFL @ the entire "How to apply soap on your back."

Going to the gym is such a pain in - everywhere in the body!! I remember how after my first day at aerobics, places I didn't even know existed were paining.

supriya said...

you know..whenever i read your posts i laugh with a roar and my family now thinks that i am totally crazy or maybe falling for some funny guy in the chat while he is trying to impress me with his sense of humour. and today was another of those days..!!
so should I call you "MACHO SORCERER" now...
roflmao....

Saadi said...

Tht's an awesome way to wash the back!!

U keep getting btr with each post, Sorcy!!

*Thumbs Up*

Sorcerer said...

@bondgal_rulz
ya know..no wonder its called"WORK OUT"
it make us pass out..

@supriya
hahahaha.thats nice
Macho sorcerer..
Plase..dont..do that..
Call me...err..King Sorcerer..I laik it dat way

Did you know that Schwarzenegger and Sorcerer Ends with 'r'.

Sorcerer said...

@saadi
thanks for the comment dude
ya know..you people, been my inspiration to come up with good writeups..many thanks to you for the encouragement .buddy!
:)

Wicked Witch of the West said...

Funny :D The gym is such a special place (ok I generally love the gym, just not all the people. Which is why I belong to a really empty one now).

There is a person who makes horrid noises in every gym. In mine we also had Mr 'I am too natural to wear deodorant and I will stay here in the (most girls circuit area) corner doing stretches for half an hour. And...the worst...a guy who wore a tshirt and shorts...and nothing else...a few stretches and leg raises from him and that corner cleared...noone wanted to see...

Swetha Guptha said...

LOL!!! superb!! Felt the same way wen I joined the gym....same problem with the steps, my gym also in the 2nd floor. Wat an experience that is??

My Foot? said...

May I borrow your conscience for a bit? I really need to throw some exercise at myself. Throwing myself at dumbbells and the cycling machine hasn't worked out too well.

Don't give up on workouts though. They may be a pain, but the normal world doesn't give a damn about how you got those hunky biceps/triceps/'God-knows-how-many'ceps, as long as you have 'em.

Soon, girls will be exercising their eyes thanks to you.

Great article, as always. Enjoyed and re-tweeted.

NoFaIrYtAlE said...

Funny!!!!!!!!
u rawk!!!

SindhuBhairavi said...

:) enjoyed reading it.. life at times is too serious but reading posts like these give a break! keep posting..

Sid said...

Yes i hv experienced this... not able to bend ur hands is a horrible experience. The sad part is u got it doing push-ups, i was doing weights :P

Quirky said...

Me: Awesomely hilarious post.

Sorcy: Thank you for the comment.

;

Meenakshi said...

awesome Sorcy.. u still continuing with the gym.. IF yes, Hats off to you.. If not, then Welcome to the club!!!

There was so much I could relate with (the muscle pain, the no response body parts, the tampered weighing machine, weirdos,etc).

:)

Njoy!

Sakshi said...

I HATE GYM. And I Don't like men with those big muscles. They are weird. I went to a gym for like 2 months. And I never went back again. I dance now... the technique workouts are as bad... coz you have to look good when you dance. The only relief is, that the dance instructors are awesome. Mine is a really good looking guy!!! :)

Rishi said...

LMAO

susie said...

sorc..:d awesome blog..:P

Uncommon Sense said...

funny esp the applying soap on the back thing... i never went to gym...u have to work and pay for it,, it doesnt make sense to me

supriya said...

i know that quite well..dear that
"Schwarzenegger" and "sorcerer" both end with a "r" but there is a huge difference the former is the real name... :P!!!
Anyway...so should i be looking forward...to a terminator sequel...starring "sorcerer"? :D

Sorcerer said...

@supriya
haha! errr..I really dont want to put the Schwarzenegger guy on naukri.com
thank you for the comment


@uncommonsense
thank you for the comment

@susie
scoozi..thank you for the comment

@rishi
thanks for the visit and the comment

@sakshi
Dance? no thank you
iron is better

@meenakshi
gym is real good thing..i mean in a way we feel alive in there

@quirky
haha.
thanks for the comment

@sid
NOOO!! i got it doing the dumbell thingy.
:( sad. no?

@sindhubhairavi
thanks for the visit and the comment

@nofairytale
thank you for the comment

@myfoot?
thank you so much for the comment

@shewtha guptha
haha..Its actually a funny and tough situatin kinda like getting hit on the funny bone.

@WWW
haha..
every gym has a clown.
hence proved

Insignia said...

What a way to wash the back and dry it!!
This was so funny. Hahahaha....

Do you practice what you preach? :-P

PS the Pratsie said...

lolz !!!! u know its a treat reading ur blog !!!! cnt stop laughing !

Megha said...

LOL...thanks gentleman for the laughter..

Sorcerer said...

@insignia
I always practice what I peach

@PS the pratsie
thank you for the inspirational comment

@megha
hahaha..thank you

Me said...

this grueling? THIS?
ok anyhw..whats d current status of sorcerer? 8 packed? :D

Sorcerer said...

@me
family pack

Neethu said...

so how many packs have u developed so far?;)

Sorcerer said...

@neethu
2.5 packs

Pratik Gupta said...

as the johny lever would say : "Bawaaaa!!! chaa gaye tum toh!!!... :) whats the current status...is it still on??

Sorcerer said...

@pratik
current status..
Jogging.and living close to nature.

D said...

hahahahaha Ohmygawd Sorcy..... thats eggjactlee wat happened to me!!
I mean the steps thing...I took forever to get to the ground floor-there were no kind souls to help me down u see and I can't willfully fall down the steps..(which would have been soooo much easier)

Hihihihi the grunting guy at my gym? I'd actually found him very good-lucking until he started the grunts...

Sorcerer said...

@D
poor you .no?