"Hello Mr.Kropodkin"- Randi Said, her voice as cold as the barrel of the levelled submachine gun. "Shall I cut you in two now, or should we wait until later."
Ding Dong - Sounded the calling bell, breaking the silence of the peaceful cold december night and my read. I book marked the page, closed the book and paced towards the door.
"Whose that ?" I asked
"FBI!! OPEN UP!!" replied the strange voice, shivering a bit.
"Sorry FBI . I don't have any food left.Go away" I said
"No!!! Its me Goutham!! Open up.Its Sooo Cold"
I unlocked the door to let my secret agent in.
We shook hands. His hands were cold like the barrel of the gun Randi was holding.
Goutham for the real world, is an expert in SOLARIS Systems, but for me he is my special agent-Technical Division, who is skilled enough to make cool gadgets, as you see in James Bond Movies. His latest invention, AN ASH TRAY from a Haywards 5000 Beer Can." A technical genius he is, natural.
"Hope I didn't disturb you.Were you having your dinner? " My nocturnal friend, asked, pointing to the `Potatoe thingy` I had made, which I was chomping on, while Randi killed those basterditos .
"No I had finished my dinner." I replied closing the door behind him and keeping the cool gentle wind out.
"Thats my pre midnight snack, grab a spoon, a chair and help yourself"
"Hmm...What do you call this? " enquired my friend.
I took a spoon full of `Potatoe thingy`." Well..Nope! Haven't named it yet." I replied with a smile, stuffing the 'Potatoe Thingy' into my mouth.
Metalic clanks and chomp chomps filled the air, as we sat chewing in the silent night.
"Tell me comrade, what brings you to me at this time?" I asked.
"Okay...See...I...I.... have an issue" replied my friend never taking off his eyes from the plate.
Okay!! What do we have here. A guy with an Issue in the middle of the night.
The Sherlock Holmes inside me wokeup. I love playing that role, I need a pipe, a pipe to smoke.
I chuckled and said "I thought only married people have issues."
"Its something like this...I like a girl so much... " said my friend and looked at my face for a respone.
Since I am having a permanent constipated grimace on my face and the rest covered by beard, and spectacles, I don't think he read anything more from my face."
"Continue talking.... Tell me everything you want to say..Confess..Confess..." I encouraged him.
Does Mr.Kropodkin know Kung- fu?
"Okay...See Its like this, I don't know anything much about her", said my friend playing hockey with the spoon and a cube of potatoe in the plate.
"Buddy... I understand you, see woman, they are complex like a rubberband, mystrious like Bermuda Triangle or the lost city of Atlantis or the smile of her highness Cleopatra...Very mysterious indeed, my friend. "
I changed the pitch of my voice like that of I was giving a lecture on Quantumn Physics and continued.
"Their behaviour pattern, My friend... can be mapped precisely to the flight of a butterfly on the sandy beaches of Hawai, at times comrade... you need to handle them like you handle nitroglycerine eggs, very delicate they are."
"As for now, let me conclude that for you, she is like an unchartered territory, a small blip on your radar, an un documented wild flower in the Amazonian Rain forest."
I gave him this lecture to make him understand the world around him.He was looking at me with all the curiosity, hearing those great wordly wisdom!
Jeezz!!! Sooo Silly!
"Sorci!! I am serious about this thing." said my friend leaning forward,
"I have seen so many girls, but this girl..she has something special, I mean..Its not her looks, I can FEEL it."
The Sherlock Holmes inside me turned into Dr.Sherlock Holmes, the world famous Doctor.
Hmmm...Interesting case you are, buddy, you are bitten by the love bug and a pretty dangerous one and you need immediate medication, before the neurotoxin paralyses your nerves and make you go cuckoo!
Differential diagnosis:The patient is downright dumb or acting that way or has taken special classes for it.
Did I hear and applauds and music..and the Oscar Goes to....
"Let me see, if I can prescribe you a Proxyvon or trlfluoperazine.Tell me, who bit you?"
"You have seen her Sorci, the girl, who lives near your house, errrr...." said my friend
"Damn!" I Interrupted him "You mean..The girl whom I code named "TERRACE GIRL"? I asked.
"Yeah!! The "Terrace Girl" as you put it."
Do you know her name?"
"Wait...wait..wait...!!You got two ladies hostel, right in front of your house Goutham...I repeat..Two..Two.. and you come all the way to my place, my territory, to hit on a girl.Don't you know that its a clear violation of airspace Mr?I mean...Excuse me? Dont you have any Conscious?"
"Is she single?" Enquired my friend
"Yeah! unless I am diagonsed with a double vision defect.How do I know?I see her doing yoga on the terrace everyday early morning." I answered my friends query.
"Are you seeing her Sorci?" asked my friend in a feable voice.
"Yes!! My window opens to that side and I am "Seeing" her every day.
"Oh! that way!! I thought", my friend said with a sigh of relief.
Gee!! funny to bug people
"Yes, I will tell you everything, what I have on my files on her, so that you can go to sleep and dream of red roses, holding hands, candle light dinner, steamy shower and pink feet. I mean..I can pretty much conclude your "Mission" tonight itself." I said.
"you are such a nice buddy" said my friend giving me a beeg smile
Changed my voice, as I was gonna give a mission briefing.
"Point 1: She has a sister, who looks similar to her but is a bit 'F'at.( I know there are not much socically accepted F words and this is one). Point 2: Her sister has a small boy kid, probably in 3rd Standard, cuz he still sings Ringa Ringa Roses, as a tribute to his nostalgic preschool days. Point 3:Her sister has a husband who sounds like Tyrannosaurus Rex, and looks like one too....and..."
"Hey!! Nooo..I want to know about her.Not her sister" said my friend waving his hand in disagreement.
"Yes, I was testing your patience, and you aced my test."I said in the most calm voice,
"Let me continue"
"She works for an IT Company and its a day job." I said
"I know that."replied my friend
"She is short,probably 5ft and half inch" I added
"I know that ." replied my friend
"I dont know anything more than these. I hardly see her other than except doing her yoga thingy."
I sat back in the chair......
....Here there be loong silence...
"You are her neighbour and you still don't have any info?" said my friend trying to arm twist my sentiments. AAAAWWWWW!!!
"Can you get me some more info?" asked my friend his voice trailing off.
"Me!!! What do you think I am. Am I 'bharathmatrimony.com?' " , I stopped, thought for sometime and continued. "Well!! Since you are my secret agent and a secret agent asking for a secret help, I think its my duty in a way.I will try to get her name for you, so that you can call her name in your day dreams on Bahamas." I replied to him.
"Thanks a lot! and is there any way to get her phone number?" asked Goutham
"Yeah!! It would be a solo mission dodo.I would give you few guidelines on how to get it. Listen..."
"Thanks" said Goutham Smiling and leaning forward.
"Make a form with what ever details you want,dress up well,wear your running shoes,then go to her home, and tell her that you are doing a survey on 'Single Females'. If she is dumb enough to fall for it she will give you her mobile number and all info you want and since you are both dumb , you will multiply faster, errr...I think I saw a documentry in Discovery channel that says..dumb species survive by having many offsprings too soon.So and it will bring a new light to the theory on 'Reverse Darwinism- Survival of the most idiotic' ." I said
"Hmm...So theres no easy way..I mean I should wait and work on it.That is what you meant right?" Said Goutham.
Finally!!! Finally! it happened a midnight.. the dumb buddies cranium lit up!
He being my accomplice, has learned my way of putting things.
I thanked Athena... goddess of wisdom. Sorry your highness to wake you up from the middle of your deep sleep.
"Yeah! Behold your temptations, your passions, your perverted thoughts.Belive..and the world opens up doors where there were no doors. Thats the power of belief." I declared
"Sorci!! I have this feeling, soon shes gonna be my partner" said my friend taking a deep breathe.
"I would like to be with her always"- Sighs
"Yeah you would my comrade, you would" I said reassuringly.
It is said that we should not interrupt patients with psychological conditions, they can turn violent.
After some time my friend whistled a song and disappeared into the night.
I closed the door and sat on the bean bag thinking about him and her.
Funny it would be to see a Tyrannosaurus Rex chasing a humanised version of furball down the streets of Bangalore
seeing the Jack ass doing YOGA with her, early in the morning, on the horizon!
Wrong moon on the rise!
huh! Gwad! How Terrible!!
How Terrible my mornings would be!