Saturday, December 24, 2011

.:: AWESOME PHOTO 2 ::.

Photo plucked and packaged at source just like canned gas.
Winds doing the poetry with the clouds!??!!??!!?! :-?

A 'Heart shaped Cloud' my camera captured today afternoon.
Another 'Heart Shaped Cloud'
 


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Sunsets I captured a few days back! Sunset from God's own Country! Enjaaaay Maadi !

 

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Enjaaaaaaaaay Maaaaaaadi!!


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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

.::SKETCH - ANOTHER C&H::.

Calvin and Hobbes -Pencil Drawing


"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words" - Calvin





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Oil Painting :Lady in the car & More



And


Then there is this Pencil Sketch of a Controversial Dog Wolf


And


There are many more sketches of which; the links I am too lazy to dig up and put up.


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Saturday, December 17, 2011

.::SKETCH- CALVIN & HOBBES::.

Calvin and Hobbes -Pencil Drawing

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."- Calvin

Weekend is already over on this half of this earth *sigh. .To the people waking upon the other half, follow the awesome quote of the day. 



..
..
Everyone who is a vivid reader of Calvin and Hobbes know that, his awesommess Calvin had made awesome poems in some of his comic strips, narrating his tiger. 

In the strips, Calvin speaks them when Hobbes is sleeping.

Still and quiet feline form,
In the sun, asleep and warm.
His tail is limp his
Whiskers drooped.
Man, what could make
This cat so pooped?

My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude.
This fur coat must have him made perspire.
It lies on the floor - should this be construed
As a permanent change of attire?
Perhaps he considers its colors passé,
Or maybe it fit him too snug
Will he want it back? Should I put it away?
Or use it right here as a rug?


..
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Oil Painting :Lady in the car & More
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Monday, December 12, 2011

.:: For Dummies 8::.

For Dummies 8:For a While the For Dummies Series was send for hibernation.
Anyway, Thanks to my inquisitive friends who asks me questions on relationships and want guidance on 'Approaching A Woman'.

I dedicate this blog post to those pavam souls.
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This blog post is a humble attempt to give readers more awesome knowldge in reading body language ,the way you read a braille magazine[With those bums and bumbums] and finding your soul mate.This blog post is also a small attempt to save the human race from funny looking gadgets and lead poisoning resulting out of orgasmic situations.

After shedding the hair on the bumbums, monkeys evolved into prehistoric men.Tarzan was the first prehistoric man according to scientific Journals also called fictions and some p0rn movies.

Prehistoric men used clubs and stones to seduce, sedate females. Seduction those days was just about banging the unsuspecting cave woman and banging the unsuspecting cave-woman.
Since the first woman nibbled too much on Adam's apple resulting in the 'Red apple scandal' people have used many methods/techniques/hacks/cheats to attract opposite sex.This appetite for getting laid has opened up a whole new market of products and services worth billions from lingerie to Enlargement pills [If the former doesn't have any effect..that is]

Anyway, Humans use body language/Ferrari to attract people of opposite sex .Now body language has lost it's sex appeal and used by both sexes in whatever way 'they'/'it' seem 'fit'.

The Foreplay

Yes, You cant just walk in and read a woman.It requires meticulous planning like your 'Me-Time.'

Before you even approach an unsuspecting female, you should be wearing the right clothes.So she notices you. Wear spandex or any clothes thats skin hugging.This helps her in reading your elevated levels of testosterone, live. The bottoms line is Be Transparent in your approach. If you are a nerd wear any clothes that has ketchup stains.That explains a lot to her.

Always make a Good first impression.Many a time, you must have felt bad because your gorgeous neighbor chick, didn't notice you. That's because you aren't dressed your best.
Dress to impress.

If you are an awesome mallu, wearing your lungi/mundu at half mast exposing your awesome whoohoowoohoo sexy hairy legs is one best way to attract your gorgeous neighbor.The whole world knows that hairy legs of a male are next best thing to sliced bread.Wear happy colors like purple,lime green, dark orange or Ferrari red.Flaunt your beer belly,hairy chest and legs.Don't suck in the air to hide your 'family pack'.
Wear  2+ size Shoes.

Have a few cigarettes or smoke w33d. It gives the men the masculine smell.It makes the woman go weak on her knees. Medically, such smells bring about a reflex action on her knee nerves.Just to be safe stand sideways , away from her knees when you are talking to her.


Location..Location..Location is Everything:

Body language is more useful in 'Pub Situations'. Pub is the watering hole for many species of mammalian chicks and endangered species called 'single men'. when you become fluent in body language, you can attract anyone without AXE Deo spray or not loose your virginity to a mailbox or a lamp post.Body language also helps in saving your ass [Literally] from men with long hair , mustache , hairy-legs, who are happy and gay.


Eyeballing the 'Situation':

Woma(e)n travel in groups of 3 and above.Even if one female wants to go some place[Including powder room a.k.a toilet] she calls up a group of her close friends. These group of friends are called 'Support Group'. Every woman falls under the secret society of 'Click-Clack Clan'. The name is derived from the sound their hoofs[High-heels] make when walking on the granite/Tiled floor.

When you have found a chick that is wearing pants, which you think is enough to accommodate you, establish eye contact to make sure that it is really a female.If you are couldn't understand the above statement, find solace at your own hands and do not try and pee in the gene pool.

The best way is 'Direct' Eye Contact which woman technically call as 'Staring'. I hope that you are educated enough to understand that eyes of a female are located a few inches below her neck.When your target notices that you have noticed hers and turns to you,look at her face and give her the sexiest grin, with your eyes wide open, jaws dropping.This tells her that you have noticed her and is ready to mate.

Approaching her on the Floor:

Drink a few bottles of vodka before you make your approach. It help you get over your fear of approaching women. It loosens up your tongue muscles thus you can blabber anything to her. Alcohol revives your memory and you can talk authentically about anything under the sun. You can go all the way and call her a b*t(h lovingly trumpeting your awesomeness; and she would be like "Are you drunk?" , see..she is already falling for you.
Have a bottle of beer in your hand, before you walk up to her. It helps you keep your balance if you are tilting too much on to one side while walking.


The First words

The first word should not be "kya mummy!!!" like dat bozo in the movie Dhoom.
The first word should be a classy pickup line from my blog or any other blog.If you want to keep it original and clean, you can say "Howdy Sistah!! Are those real?"

Okay.Thats rough eh? Try this simple approach.Complement on her T-Shirt and ask her "Wow! Nice picture!Who painted those?"

Or

If you want to prove your ingeniousness..try this new pick up line "OOps!! I am caught in the orbit by your two moons".Run around her and move closer to her chest.

 It's as simple as that.Introduce yourself.Don't forget to brag. Talk about awesome topics like Inflation and world Markets.
If that makes her speechless, well..she has already fallen for you.


The Hand Job

Make sure that you care. Send powerful message with your hands and gestures.
There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get in her pants.Use your hands to caress objects, such as the rim of your glass, The curve of the beer bottle. Simply fidget a lot. For her this is a sensual act. Wink after every sentence., bite your lips as if you are having Epileptic Seizure in a very sensual way And for the brave,  try picking fluff off her jacket or using the "accidental touch" when reaching for the lemon or squeeze some ketchup on her dress and help her wipe it off.

If she is resisting, buy her lots of drinks.Drinks will make you look cute then boob is your uncle.

Say The Right Thing

Give her constructive criticism from her dress to her make up. Tell her how you would like to have the neckline of her dress a bit low etc etc.Pick on anything that you feels convenient and advice her. Always make it a point to compare her with your Ex-Girl friend for everything she says or do. It makes her feel more comfortable. If you don't have an Ex-Girl friend compare her with your right hand.

Just before They lived Happily Every after:

Invite her to your place.Tell her you have a big foot at your 'basement'. Talk in metaphors. Invite her to play 'chess and find all possible mating positions'. Invite her in and promise you won't make any moves after you are done with her. She will blush at your forwardness but for whatever reason she will believe you.

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Friday, November 18, 2011

.::EKONOMIC CONVERSATIONS::.

Most Some of the time our intellectual conversations wander off to serious business discussions which can harvest billions of dollars.
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Ed: How far is *Thiruvananthapuram from Cochin?
[*Also Spelled :ThironthoaaaRum]

Sorcy: Far...very far...really really far far..like 5 hours on the road which feels like eternity.Why? ARE YOU COMING DOWN ^&@#^@*&$^#*&$?

Ed: Nope.My friend is coming down to Kerala for some Yoga classes for 2 weeks.

Sorcy: Hmm...They sell Yoga in packets these days.

Ed :I am convincing him not to go for yoga.Trying to scare him off saying he can lock-up his body in awkward positions.

Sorcy: Fuel prices are on the hike..may be he wants to learn levitation. Red bull does not really give you wings.Does it?

Sorcy:  !:)

Ed: What was that? Got hit by a Baseball Bat?

Sorcy: huh!! Thats an smiley for "!dea".

Ed: Oh! Thank you for explaining.

Sorcy: Ya know..We can be the "Yoga Brokers" for Kerala.We bring in people for yoga, which we call Raw Materials in Pure  Business Terminology [P.B.T]. We sell them to Yoga Factory. They all get Yogified.and we become filthy rich.We Mass produce Yogis.To summarize We corporotize Yoga and in turn world peace.

Ed: hmmm...and

Sorcy: 3 years down the line..we can call ourself the "Yoga Mafia" or "Yoga Syndicate". We can also export it to foreign lands in bling bling packing and bring in some FDI [Foren -> Desi Investment].

Ed: ya know what *She [*She=Gwakus_Busyus_Thesisus]would call us?

Sorcy: Hmm..."Yoga Pimps"?

Ed:Exaaaaaaaaaactly..

Sorcy:She prefer to use her words with an overdose of her artistic vocabulary mixed with a bit of vinegar.

Ed:Aaaaaaaaaaargghmmmmm..

Sorcy: Ya know..I even thought of a Logo for our Yoga Company. The logo will be "A Paper Clip" . That's how our clients will be able to bend their body after learning YOGA. Call it B.E [ Business Ethics ]

Ed:Now we need a caption.Not what Gwakus_Busyus_Thesisisus would call us.


Sorcy:What ever...Just make me the Treasurer.Alright?

..
..


Sorcy: So.. Kapish?

Ed: Nope.I will handle all our female clients..and you handle the rest.

Sorcy: I wont even touch the rest.Huh! Smarty pants. Your handle will break off after all those handling?

Ed:That's a sacrifice I would gladly make.

____________________

Sorcy: aha!!Talking nonsense to Cyber chics. Eh?

Prj: Nope. Saving the environment from lead batteries.

Sorcy: oh..yeah..Giving Organic Orgasms?

Prj: That's just a side effect. Actually saving the world market from Chinese Toys with toxic plastic.

Sorcy: A few years down the line you can float a company and call it "Harmless_Guy and Sons- Giving Organic Orgasms since 2010". Since your company is organic and environmental friendly, you get Tax Exemption too.

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Friday, November 4, 2011

.::CONVERSATIONS::.


Ed:Ya know..I kinda have a good repute in college..

Sorcy:Aha!

Ed:I come out in 7 minutes.

Sorcerer:Say that to a girl and you die a virgin.

Ed:I meant..I come out of the exam hall in 7 minutes.

..
..


Hot H.R Chick:What are your interests?

Ed:I play games.

Hot H.R Chick:So what kinda games do you play?

Ed:Physical games.

..
..


Ed: Hmm...'Detachment', that's some subject I am working on.May be we can co-Author a book...Like.."Art of Detachment from Universal Pleasures."

Sorcerer: I mean the book should be titled-"The Sutra after the Kamasutra." That title will be the best seller.

..
..



Ed:Mom called and asked me to take good care of my health.

Sorcerer:What a lovely way of putting "Stay out of trouble, stupid".

..
..

Ed:Unlike,you perverts I am a Mechanical Engineer.

Sorcerer:Eeeewwwwwww...Thats worse than being a pervert.

..
..


San:So they brought me clothes worth a lot of money.How freaking is that man!!

Sorcerer:You are gonna get married and they brought you clothes? What the heck!

..
..

 
San:Guess what! I learned to play guitar.Now I can fiddle with it.

Sorcerer:hmmm..Anyway you are getting married and you will need something to fiddle with from now on.Classic example for irony.

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011

.::OIL PAINTING-LADY IN THE CAR::.



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Medium: Oil on Canvas
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Dimension: 84 X 47 Centimeters
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Here is 'Lady in the Car' for you.May be they don't drive too well; but they look awesome in the driver's seat.
Will be back with another post..Will take a while.. Till then Enjoy this painting.
.

**EDIT [ 4th September 2011] **
The Photo of the oil painting I posted (above) had the bottom portion of the painting cut off [Couldn't focus the whole painting on the mobile cam then .]  
Posting the complete Painting.



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Monday, September 12, 2011

.:: 36 C ::.

"Life has a way of teaching us some valuable arse saving lessons, though its a Sunday with chances of some heavy rain."
..
..


Yesterday, harmless me, was having my lunch peacefully. I was grazing on the green things cooked organically, to preserve the awesome yucky taste. I was busy racially discriminating green chillies from the rest of the green things in the 'All-Green' recipe dish in-order to avoid a political unrest in my stomach,later; that's when the phone starts winking at me ,nagging like a 3 year old on cold-beer-'Pick me up..Pick me up..pick me up".

*sigh


I picked up the call.

"Hello.Are you free this afternoon?" asked the cold familiar voice on the other end.
Well,with half the world in total disorder,and the world screwing itself own its own axis, I think theres nothing much I could do to help with that.So...

"Yeah..I could be free.What is it that you want of me?" I beamed back.
"hmmmmmm...Need your expert advice, on something.I will come by your home, pick you up and then we go to Calicut." he said and disconnected the call.

Now..This is the problem with having an awesome brain and watching National Geographic Channel too much everyday. People...People Need EXPERT ADVICE."
Price one has to pray for being so..intellinent.Good God..Why me?

He is one of my best friends, whom I have known since childhood. In our friends circle, he used to be our crash dummy for various velocity related tests. Though his roles varied from time to time-from crash dummy to equipment for buoyancy test, he managed to be humble enough and  kept his IQ level at 0.

..
..


With in half an hour we were on the road, dodging traffic en-route, Calicut.

Me:So...Whats it that you need advice on?

Buddy:Well, ya know I need to gift something for my Girl Friend on Onam.

Me:Awwww.The Onam got over this Saturday and Today is Sunday.I mean..Are you alright?..... Well..disregard that question. You are doing well enough for a retard anyway.

Buddy:Its a gift alright..I mean anyone can gift anything for anyone at anyone.

Me:You lost me with your grammar.So..what do you have in mind?

Buddy:Something useful.

Me:Wow! thats really cool.Something USEFUL...like Screwdriver, Can-Opener, Samurai Sword.

Buddy:Nope..Something cool like.. a ..a book.

Me:Man...your wisdom exceeds your ears...just a bit.What kind of book.A Cook Book..Gift her a Cook Book.

Buddy:Nope.She cooks well.

Me:When you say that next time..add some confidence in your voice.Alright?

Buddy:How about Gifting her a DRESS?

Me:DRESS?What do you mean DRESS?

Buddy:Clothes, ya know the thing they wear.

Me:GWAD!!! Thats suicidal?You are dragging me all the way to HUNT for Clothes, in the WOMAN'S section in some awesome mall .Do ya have ANY IDEA! I mean..dude, ya know its complicated. Theres a lot of equation and complex mathematics, that goes into the selection of a womans clothes.Those secrets a woman will never reveal.Alright? and....
Before I could complete, my mouth went dry,I needed water.

Buddy:Okay.You just need to come with me to the mall.I will look around.We grab the first thing we find.Rush to the counter.Pay out and Exit.The whole thing will take just less than 5 mins.Even before the sales people knew what happens, we will be out of the mall, on the way home.

Me:You sure?I mean, I will be in some other section like outside.

Buddy:.Nope.You are gonna come with me inside the mall.You gonna help me with my quest.C'mon who else can I trust such missions with?

I was in a Classic hostage situation .The odds were stacked against me.The situation felt like , me standing in front of the empire state building of Odds and staring at its dirty windows.

AAAAAAAARRRGGGHh..who invented the Central Locking System in the CAR!!!!


*sigh
We entered the city limits, swearing at a truck driver.Shortsighted Bozo with large tires stuck down his ass.
The city was still waking up from the hangover of Saturday night Party and Onam festivals.People swarmed the buses like ants swarming on a lazy grasshopper. Last day of holiday week.Such things are expected. We ditched the car under the fly over at Mavoor Road.

Now..Only a few minutes for the moment.
 
*gulp

..
..


Me:Any idea what we are gonna look at?

Buddy:Hmmm...Nope.We 'improvise.'

Me:On what?
That became a rhetorical question. I know he is under a lot of pressure and people do use random words, to sound smart in such situations. Thank you Freudian for that book on mental thing.
Me:Hey, Just Stop.STOP. Do you know her size?I mean dress size.We should have something to work with.Alright?

Buddy.Hmmm..I remember her telling me, her dress size is 36 C.

Me:36 C?What the Heck! I mean is that like that for woman?I mean for us guys its M,XL,L XXL etc etc.Are you sure?

Buddy:They use a different metric system.Involving Trigonometry.May be for them its like that.As I said..We 'improvise'


Seriously, my buddy is under a looooot of pressure.Trying to crack a joke with random smart sounding word.Gwad..This is seriously getting out of hand.


..
..

We entered a premium mall  .I felt a choke, a chill and something fired along my spinal column, on the inside.Gwad..I am doing this?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! The woman's section welcomed us in FULL Glory!Thank fully apart from a few chicks, probably from NIT-Calicut and a few couples and a few sales staff and a few kids running around like misguided missiles, the shopping floor was empty.

Me:Dude..Just as planned, we go in ..grab the first thing.....
My voice trailed off seeing the variety of options available on each category of dresses.

Me:Okay..Alright..go in, close your eyes, grab something and we bounce out..after paying.
My friend had his eys fixated on a T-Shirt , A blue one.

Me:Grab it..Grab it..go go go go...Move it move it..Move it Soldier..
I played the Iraq invasion on him.He pretended to play the part of the dumb camel in the Iraq desert.

He moved as if levitating towards the blue T-Shirt.I followed him closer.

Buddy:Hey.This will look okay on her.

Me:Hmmm...I like the color Blue.As you said, just look at the TAG on the T-Shirt to see if its 36C and if it is..we take it and bounce.


Saying that I looked back, to see if some one is over hearing our confusion.The College CHICKS were looking at us and giggling.
C'mon girls..ya know you should not be so mean to us guys.See, I have a goatee and I havent shaved, which clearly says I am NOT a cross dresser. I dont have painted nails and lip gloss.So..Well..Ya know seriously..it's not for me. Well, I am pretty good with figures but not on the math side.Alright?

Buddy:It doesnt say 36C.It says 28/L.

Me:Now what is 28 divided By L.Whats the value of L. L stands for what?

Buddy pulls the T-Shirt inside out to see if there is any more clues left on it to decipher the code.

Me:Hey..Wait..I will flag down a sales staff and ask for help.

Buddy:Hey find a sales girl who is almost as big as my girl.

Me:Yeah so that we can just ask her, "Does it suit you?".Problemo Solved.Man..That was some ingenious thinking.


After hunting around the mall for sales staff, found a lonley sales staff chick.Contraty to what was expected, this sales staff chick was a feet short.

Me:Excuse me..Errr...I Want..I mean he wants some help over there.
The sales chick came with the Standard Format Smile.

Buddy:Err..What exactly is the size of this.

Sales Staff:Hmmm..28/L

Me:Hmmmmmmm...Alright.

Sales Staff:What size are you looking at?

Buddy:36 C

Sales Staff opens her mouth wide..jaw dropping..trying to control her laughter.I sensed that, there is something awesomely wrong, in the  answer which my buddy gave.So to make the better of the situation.I thought I would 'improvise.'Anyway 36 as a number suits well for jeans..

Me:Errr..that ..that is the size of her jeans.Aint it?

Buddy:yeah yeah..36....C

He prefered to stick on to the 'C'. This is what happens when your nerves are embarassed and are popping signals like popcorn in the oven.The tongue moves in Hebrew.

Sales Staff: 36....C is her Jeans?Okay

Me:It Could be.I mean without the C..probably.I mean..

Sales Staff:What exactly are we looking at?

Me:We are looking at a blue T-Shirt.


I said that pointing to the T-Shirt in her hands.

Sales Staff:Nope.I asked her measurement.

Buddy:Ohh..okay..she is 14 inches shoulder to shoulder.

He said that like a ROBOT.

Sales staff went to get a measuring tape.

Well..The rest of the shopping was done, in almost silence.Moving from section to section, my friend took out  dresses which he thinks is okay. Passes it on to the Sales staff. She dutifully measures it ..and keeps it back on the shelf or nod her head..saying its indeed 14 inches shoulder to shoulder.

Then the sales staff, joined us in the 'Top-Hunting' contest and suggested us what ever things in color blue and shades of it which is 14 inch S-S.

After spending almost "2 hours" inside the mall, and 2 different sales staff coming to help us, my friend chose a blue top for his girl.

Aaaarrrghhh..I think we were the joke of the day, between the sales staff, as I could see them laughing in groups staring at us.
Must be the 36 C. Gwad!!

..
..



Sales Staff:So finally, you got it.

Buddy:hmmm

Me:Now I know why girls spend too much time.Ya know there is more parameteres and variables to check than a pre-flight check on an Airbus.

..
..


After coming out of the mall we got into the car.

Buddy:Hey.ya know we chose this cloth on just 1 parameter.I mean..is that okay?What if it is too tight?

Me:Hmmm..Ya know..send her a text message saying "Either the dress fits or you better shape in." .The best part is you are actually motivating her to stay in shape.

Buddy:Hmmmm....We 'improvise'..Right?

Me:There is always a scope.

Buddy:We could have brought her a sari!!
Me:Yes,Aaarrgh..Why didn't we think of it then.A sari is like one size fits all pajama.

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Sunday, July 10, 2011

.:: OIL PAINTING- DRAGON TATTOO ::.

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Medium: Oil on Canvas
 ..
Dimension:92  X 76 Centimeters
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Be Right Back !!!

Till then..Enjoy the painting of this '  Lady with Awesome Dragon Tattoo'.

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Monday, July 4, 2011

.:: CUSTOMER CARE ::.


"My Internet device is putting me on a diet..it's not giving me my bytes"- Sorcerer on Internet connectivity

..
..

When some monkeys voluntarily came down the tree, some of them were pushed off their branches or the branches they were sitting on broke under their  fat ass. They were too lazy to climb back the tree . They waddled up and down the plains of earth, with Godzilla and  Tarantulas. These monkeys took the train to Evolution. A few of them got down at 'Service Desks' of lovingly called as 'Call Centers'. The others, inbred and thus gave rise to the popular term 'Being a Human'.
 
Service Desk a.k.a Call centers are centered around the theory -'Infinte Monkey' Theorem.

"The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare."
That's how, they are trained to solve the customer queries.
..
..

Unfortunately, I use the 3G 'terminology' to connect to the Internet . Soon, this Chinese made plastic USB internet device started controlling My LIFE. [Contrary to the popular belief..I do have one.] 
The 3G stick as it's called in hardcore technical terminology, decides everything about my affair with the internet.
 
Everytime I had to connect to the internet. I had to promise coconuts to Lord Ganesha. If I had to stay online for a few hours, without disconnection/uninterrupted downloads, that meant more offerings..more coconuts...more coconuts..
 
I decided to take things into my hands, once the coconuts I promised to Lord Ganesha, crossed the net produce of coconuts in the state of Kerala.
I took my mobile phone and 'dared' to call up the customer care number which can be mapped to 1800-SCREWYOU.

A bitchy voice, asked me to select menu after menu over IVR. I felt like walking , the Bangalore streets, trying to find '18th Cross' when I went to visit a friend at Jayanagar once.

The usual IVR thingy of major corporates are programmed, to make it easy for the customers to reach their help desk.

"If you want to speak to a customer Care executive..Please press 1"
 
"If you really want to speak to a customer care executive..Please press 1"
 
"Oh!! you must be joking..Did you really meant '1' when you pressed 1."
 
"C'mon Dude..be a sport...Press 1 again."
 
"Okay..lemme rephrase it for you..Are you sure you want to speak to a Customer Care Executive.?Please press 1 if you are sure."
 
"Hit me baby one more time.. 1 press 1 again"
 
"Humor me-Please press 1"
 
"Sarah Palin is HOT!! -Please Press 1"
 
"You are going to speak to a customer care executive..Are you sure you had your anti-rabies vaccniation ?If so, please press 1"

Now if you are really lucky,  you can press 1 till you grow a 14 inch beard or your batteries run out.
For those who dare..like me, is put to the next painful hurdle...'Listening to the corporate theme song.'

For some reason, the telecom company whose USB device I am using is having their theme song sung by 12 year old school kids. They are not singing but shouting the theme song into your ears. This is the corporate tactic of ' Torture by 12 year olds.'

I passed that test too..I am a Mallu. We can survive extreme cold even though, we are wearing mundu at half mast..aha!!
We got our balls strong like the coconuts.
Finally, I heard the doors to the inner sanctum creak open...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinggg..rrrrrrrrrrriinggg

..
..

Cust_Care:Hello I am *Suma, how may I help you?
*Name Changed
[She meant:Hi, since all the good names were already taken, I am Suma for you.Darrrn!!]

Me:Hello..I am having an issue.

Cust_Care:Alright..How May I help you?
[She meant:Hmmm..You havin What?Issues!!..lemme make it worse for you.]

Me:The thing is...your server bounces me out..doesn't let me stay online for more than a minute or 2. The authentication succeeds, I am logged in..then after some time..I am kicked off your server unceremoniously. Bytes sent 'Awesome' bytes recieved zero.
[I meant:Upgrade your hardwares ,network MORONS!!!]

Cust_Care:Really sorry to hear that.Can I put on you on hold while I check your details?
[She meant:Ha.Ha.Ha to you!!Can I put on you  on hold, while I check my make-up in the reflection on the computer screen and think about awesome things to piss you off further?]

Me:Sure..

{
Alright!  while on hold, I am forced  to listen to the corporate theme song.

I think in their S.O.P manual  will be like this

1)Take the call
2)Greet the customer
3)Put him on hold
4)Make him listen to the corporate theme song *Music Blast* for at least 5 minutes. [
**you win bonus points for every other minute the customer is on hold ** ]

}


Cust_care:Sorry for putting you on hold.
[She meant:Gwad!! you still holding the line? Dude..I just gave you chance to run away. Since you didn't, I am gonna make you feel soooo sorry. You my friend..is flirting with disaster!]


Me:It's alright.Tell me what is it..What is it tell me.
[Lets get it over with girl..just tell me..tell me ..its not cancer.Just tell me It's gas.]

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your computer?

Me: I use Linux.

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your compueter?

Me: I use Linux..
[Gurl...Ask me that question one more time and I am gonna cry!!!.
 
Dear GOD!! 
Did you forget to put a semicolon (;) in her code while you programmed her?She is on Infinite loop.
In other words..shape up your Q.C team Mr. They are doing a sloppy job.]

Cust_Care: Sir,click on the Start Menu.

Me: I use Linux.There is no Start Menu.

Cust_Care: Sir, please click on the start menu.

Me: I use Linux.just tell me what setting I needed to change .I will find the Linux equivalent and try and do the same.Don't you have Manual on Linux? Your product brochure says..it supports Linux.
[FYI Gurl!! the word 'Please' doesn't grow a Start Menu on Linux..What do they call you in real life? Just curious!]
 

Cust_care: Blah balh balh blah ..do..this..do that...push this..push that...blah blah.blah...
[She meant:I am just reading what's written on the screen..I am not 'Triaging' anything based on your inputs..*poof* its supposed to work.]

Me:Okay..alright..
[Thank you gurl.Thank you for reading me the script out of 'Harry Potter'. ]

Cust_care:Sir, you can also try and reinstall the software and it may work.
[She meant:That's also written on my Computer screen..I am just reading it to you.]

Me:Hmmm..okay!
[Reinstall..What software? My operating System?]

Cust_care:Sir, we are having some network congestion too..
[She meant:We have Acts of God, Buddha, Vishnu, Zeus, 'Network Up-gradation work going on' etc and the best est of all 'network Congestion.' its your call dude.]

Me:aha!!okay
[AAAHHH!!! The dreaded Network Constipation..Thank you..Thank you for dropping the bomb...]

Cust_Care:Sir, you can also try and restart the computer..and connect it back and it should work.
[She meant:O.M.G Dude.I just read you the last line written on my screen..you better disconnect the call and scram..else..I am gonna SCREAM in your ears.My boy friend says..I am a good screamer..okay?.Then All your Gray cells are gonna turn white .Like totally!! O.M.G you are still holding the line...DUDE!! I am gonna strangle you with my  cell phone!! ]
Me:Well..It's alright..I am not that bored anyway.

Cust_care:Sir, if you have still the same problem you can call us back.
[She meant:Hey..I noticed your sarcasm..I am sarcastic too]
Me:Sure.it was really nice talking to you.Call you back.. .I am delighted..Thank you.

Cust_Care:Is there anything else you want help with?

Me:Errrr...Nope.

[Trying hard to stay civilized...before my neurons fire randomness at her..I disconnected the call]

..
..


I knew that, the network won't let me in till the evening. I took my mid-noon nap.
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Thursday, June 30, 2011

.:: YAKSHI & PANA MARAM ::.

 


No!! This is not a picture of coconut tree. Of course, it doesn't have 'those huge things' hanging on top.
No..No.No..Your logic is wrong..again.This is not a male coconut tree either.


That's a picture of a palm tree or Pana (in Malayalam). These trees have sacred roles in Kerala Folk tales and toddy shops. I even have a theory that, history of roof tops restaurants can be mapped to the palm trees.

Long back, such palm trees were the hangout spots for Yakshis. 'Yakshi' is a mallu term for Witches. For some guys they resemble their wife(s), ex-Girl Friend, Girl Friend, Mother-In-Law etc. The blogger i.e me however claim that, this is purely coincidental and blame it on your bad karma.

Yakshi is a variant of human beings , in pure scientific terminology, 'Homo Erectus'.(Yes..Some Yakshi's are sooo HOT!!!! and trust me guyz..they can do that to you...or make you both..hence the term Homo Erectus)

..
..

Unlike their western counter part, popularly referred as 'witches', Yakshi's are HOT and can resemble the HOT teachers who taught you in 8th Std and above.

'Witches' of the western world does not have any sense of fashion. They wear rags or bags. They have B.O. They always have a bad hair day. Their teeth would resemble a badly worn out picket fence. Their popular mode of transport is 'Broom Stick' and don't have to worry about rising oil prices. They can curse you. They are hardcore feminists and don't shave their legs. Some even pet their legs instead of a real cat.

Guyz..I know..It's no different from what you see almost everyday..like your 'better half' [The one who get the better of you],giving you those stares with that 'Broom Stick' in hand, while you are peacefully watching sports on T.V.

 Fact :Them witches do you,you don't.
..
..

Witches and Yakshis are way different from bitches; in case you are confusing your vocabulary. Bitches or b!+C|-|35 are hot, with latest sense of fashion. They look clean but can give you STD's or herpes, bitch diseases etc depending on the options available with her. 

Their popular mode of transport is 'Your car'. The only thing you get blown by her, is your money. They carry a pink 'Fcuk me' purse with 'necessary' items. They have mood swings between very very 'matured' [ha ha ha ha] and being a toddler on sugar.

Yeah dude..It's a jungle out there.
*sigh

Fact: You like to do your b!+C|-| but some one else is doing it for you.

..
..

Mallu Yakshi's are real cute things, when compared to witches of the West. To start with, Yakshi's are real hotties, with long hair and with curves that resemble the River Nile.
They are very good conversationalists. They Purrrrrr..at least in the beginning. They are hygienic and conservative , that's why they always wear white Sari. 


[A mallu woman wearing white Sari..Not a Yakshi though.]

They walk with background music. They don't actually walk, they hover, exactly the way your girl friend/wife does to you.


Yakshi's were once normal woman, living their life, minding their own business, thinking about nail polish, window curtains and matching shoes. Every night, they sleep hugging their teddy bear, thinking about butterflies , white doves and world peace. Only thing they were scared off are cookie monsters and bees.

This young woman is advised by her elders, to keep the knickers above her knees, her knees together and her hands to herself. Of-course..she lived that way..But...all of a sudden, one unattended moment..she was violated (Read:B@nged).

The young woman, now sobbing in her bed, remembers the golden advice by her momma.. "Never give him what he wants". She remembers those words, in slow  frame rate with Dolby effect and sobs uncontrollably.

To get even with him, she draws her 'Violator' a.k.a 'Then cute boy friend' with small pee-pee in Ms-paint..points and laughs at it. 
Thus she turns back into a virgin- in some cases.

Ironically,some young woman remember the 'golden advice' only after her marriage and her hubby (as lovingly called) gets screwed only 'literally'.


The time has come for revenge. The banged young woman, having lived in shame commits suicide and is turned into a HOT Yakshi . She is in search for the violator guy, not to relive those orgasmic moments but to kill him in a freak accident.
Yakshi like the commies, have well defined propaganda. They are out there to fcuk up lives.

Kalliyankattu neeli is one such credible Yakshi.In malayalam terms ..(Nalla tharavattil piranna yakshi. Translation: Yakshi born in a very good family, she even uses her family name).


Yakshi's prefer outdoors and wild. They lived on 'Pala Maram' or Pana (Palm Tree).
Most Yakshi's were solitary hunters.Their hunting ground is deserted road through the forest.
[I know what you are thinking guyz..at one time..they were confined to forest and wild].
*sigh


They come down their palm tree apartment at midnight, usually during the Fridays.They metamorph into a cute hot chick, complete with push-up bra, femme fatale for the Quick Gun Murugans.
Most yakshi's are straight. [I have not come across any Yakshi, who is a lesbian...yet].

When any unsuspecting male, ventures into the forest to take a leak or search for cannabis to get high or simply to get to the other side, the yakshi zero in on him.

Unsuspecting Male:Who are ya? Have not seen you here? [Wink]

Femme Fatale Yakshi:I am lost.I was returning after kadhakali.Lost my way [Lie..Lie..Lie]

Unsuspecting Male: Ayyooo..It's  alright. I Can drop you back at your home. Parents are still back at temple watching Kadhakali.right?

Femme Fatale Yakshi: hmmmmm....Oooohh..yeahh...they arrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee...[Purrrrr...Purrrrrrr]

Unsuspecting Male ke Dil mein laddoo phoote.

Unsuspecting Male: On the way home I will tell you some kadha [Story] and let's have some Kali[Play] after.

Femme Fatale Yakshi:Sure..

Unsuspecting Male ke Dil mein do laddoo phoote.

Unsuspecting Male:Wow!! That was easy!Kochu Galli.


Femme Fatale Yakshi: Ooooh...yeahhh [and she makes gestures on her face like she is backing up a car.]

When they reach near the palm tree, the yakshi grabs the unsuspecting male by the balls , drags him  all the way up the palm tree. There he is stripped, killed and eaten.Thus palm trees become roof top restaurants for Yakshi's. Not everything is eaten, the bones and nails are left for forensic analysis.

I know guyz..some of you would be wishing your witch did that to you...a quick death...Right?
Bad Karma..Bad bad karma.Live with it.
..
..

Malayalam Film industry has revolutionized the way Yakshi's are dressed today. The industry has made them  colorful Yakshis.They look quiet different from their old monochromatic variants.They also dance to item numbers with skimpy clothes which can put even Rakhi Savant to shame.

Everytime I see a palm tree [Pana Maram], it reminds of various tales I have read in Aithihya Mala written by Kottarathil Sankunni.


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