.::CONVERSATIONS::.

Sorcerer: :(

Susie: Still on flu?

Sorcerer:Hmm.. and my voice disappeared.

Susie:Your friends must be happy and they must be elated.

Sorcerer:You..scored Susie..
____________________

Sorcerer: achooo..achooo...all day long since 2 days

Rashmi: Kaise?

Sorcerer: Flu..flu!!

Rashmi: M sure u don't pet pigs do u?

Ohhhk

Sorcerer: You are so far away!!..

____________________

Genius:So, your cousin went for an 'Industrial Visit ' to Goa?

Sorcerer:Hmm...

Genius: He is into computers right?Goa?Computers?

Sorcerer: He is there to see softwares.
____________________

Wiseguy:Hearing aid?

Sorcerer:Nope!! I don't do phone sex.
____________________

Sorcerer:Maturity..is not getting angry at your elder cousin

Cousin:F[Beep[ Off..

Sorcerer:That...my friend..is maturity.
____________________

Genius:Sorc!! ya know.. the climate is so hot, scarcity of water, I think future humans will grow a hump.

Sorcerer:Even when they are not watching porn.right?

____________________

Genius: Ya know..dude, it was so hard to get over my first affair.

Wiseguy:Hmm..She must be HUUUGEEE!!!
__________________________+

.::KIDDOS::.

This blog post will help all those fortunate ones to deal with a kid.[ Most of these are tested and tried on neighbor's kid and my own cousin when he was a kid.]

Kid is like a bad sector error on your hard disk. Once born, its there for ever.The worst part, they grow into teenagers, unlike a bad sector error.
Was I not a kid? Well!! The scientists call it dark age and such awesome events are not properly documented.Lucky you!
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"They look cute on T.V in those stupid dress."- A college goer on Kid.
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Apart from that cuteness which is used to camouflage all the evil they posses, they are mostly good for nothing miniature humans.Many of these miniature humans are born out of sheer ignorance or excitement or power-cuts or days when your cable guy screwed up the E.S.P.N sports broadcast or all the reason taken together, including people getting totally drunk and forgetting about the purpose of life all together.

Medical journals call the symptom of abnormal growth of female tummy as S.T.D to some people's disappointment cuz, its not the usual gas which can go away by eating pudin hara.
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How to make a kid

Ingredients:

1)Male: 1 No
2)Female(s): According to taste.
3)Invisible Oil : 20 tonnes.
4)Vaseline : 2 Kilo
5)Hand cuffs or Alcohol/wine : Depending on availability.

Making Kid

Apply ingredient 4 on the door knob, lots, whole lots, that will keep any/all kids[Stupid Curious Relative Kiddos], in your home engaged and away while you are inside your kitchen..I mean..bedroom making a kid.

Making the kid is a three stage process. The first stage is called, foreplay.
Here both 1 and 2 ingredients, peel off their dresses. The ingredient 2 wears high heels and the ingredient 1 wears black socks, like in those awesome educational movies. Some ingredients are not confident being completely nude.[Ethical issues..hmm.]

This is where we marinate the chick or the female. Treat the female with alcohol or wine.[yeah!! Alcohol is better for the desired effect!].A dash of lemon is preferred.This adds flavor. Alcohol reduces resistance and also will make you look cute.

Ingredient 1 applies ingredient 3 (Invisible oil) all over the ingredient 2.Make use of your fingers to lavishly apply the invisible oil all over the nook and corners of ingredient 2. If there are more ingredient 2's then you would envy the octopus.[*sigh].

In response ingredient 2 will start to sizzle in the frying pan[Bed], which can be identified by various sounds[Other than in C minor, which is accompanied by pungent smell.Some morons find that cute and saexy too!!]. Most of the time the sound coming from the sizzzling ingredient 2 is like that reminds you of leaking cycle pump.

Follow the instruction on your shampoo bottle while applying invisible oil."Apply directly over wet hair and work into creamy lather. Leave on for a few minutes, Rinse,Repeat as needed, For best result use regularly.

Ingredient 2(s) will turn a deep lemon green color, when sizzled for quiet a long time.This is the right time for stage 2.

Second Stage is called "Stupidity"

This is the stage where you take your mobile phone and dial 1800-S.T.O.R.K. You will be put through a series of switching stations. Finally, when your call is answered, you can order a kid, which will be delivered at your door step, by Mr.Stork. Please note that, there is no customized kids. All kids are manufactured in the same assembly line and scientists say, you can customize the kids according to your taste when it is delivered to you.

It is better if you are calling this number before 10:00 PM. Mostly the 1800-S.T.O.R.K line gets busy after 10:00 PM.[Apparently!!]. These calls are not Toll Free.

Third Stage is called "Aftermath".

This is when all the math of the ingredient 2 goes wrong.Ingredient 1 can smoke a cigarette to reduce the bad taste in the mouth or watch sports on T.V or have a beer till Mr.Stork delivers the baby package at your door step.

A master chef, Mr.Vathsyana has written a wonderful recipe book about making babies.It must be available in all leading book stalls on the top shelf.
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Kids don't have any economic importance other than adding to the population statistics and scaring the shit out of various ministries that deal with agriculture.Kids are those things that get between your legs, when you are doubling the way to the loo or the one who claim your couch, remote control and give you a high decibel shreek when you snatch the remote control or try to kick them off the couch.

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How can you identify a home having kids?

Well not all homes put out the warning sign out side the gate "Beware of kids.". A home having a hyperactive kid can be found by 'broken window', various prehistoric drawing of "moma, popa and kiddo" on the walls of the cave[Read:Home]. Various amputated body parts of toys can be found spread around the walk way or outside the home. The pets in their home wont look natural. Dalmatian dog can be found spotting red/orange/green spots made out of crayons or sketch pens. Cat would be seen with a plated tail or a knot on the tail. Ring the bell and if you are really lucky, the so called 'kid' would be opening the door to welcome you with the evil smile wearing nothing more than an underwear.
Or
You can see the feathers of Mr.Stork in the garden or a stripped Mr.Stork hiding behind the bushes.
I rest the case on their curiosity.
Or
You would simply slip and fall, in a pool of luke warm water, down the stairs or slip and fall in the dining hall etc. Don't get surprised, they are just marking their territory. It's a prehistoric instinct.
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Behavior Pattern:

They don't have a particular behavior. They suffer from personality disorder.Some even show dual personality at the same time. Such can be observed when they play with their stupid dumb toys and barbie dolls.
At one time they want to be a cow boy, next hour they want to be the fire man, or a footballer, most of the time they want to get spanked big time.The most predictable behavior pattern is, when they are seen concentrating at a imaginary octagon at the horizon, be sure that the room will be filled with a pungent smell sooner or later.Such case, you can excuse yourself, and go get some fresh air till the kiddos owner comes and change the garbage bag. [Read:Diaper].

The awesome writer, thinks, skunks and kids show the same behavior when threatened. If a kid peed on you or in extreme cases, pooped on you when you are holding the tiny lil cute thingy!! understand this...this is their way of saying "You have a B.O [Body Odor]. Get away from me."

Kids also can spit.Some stupid kids behave like Llama.They spit when they are excited, and the stupid kid thinks that is funny! They grab at everything and are not restricted under any laws. [*sigh]
They acquire amazing knowledge on ACME products by watching Cartoon Network and Pogo[Stupid Pokemon].
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Taking care of kids:

Kids are scavengers, they know to take care of themselves. Kids feed on nutritious substances like, food crumbs on dining table, under or over it. They do not have such complexes. They eat anything and everything.A kid can be seen scavenging all around the home, tasting almost everything.They use their cute opposable thumbs to fish out crumbs of biscuits from the crack of couch and nourish themselves with awesome nutrients.

A kid can also be fed red bull energy drink to make them taller sharper stronger.
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Use of kids:

• A kid can be used as an alarm that goes on at completely wrong time.
• A kid can be used as a dumbbell.
• A kid can clean your floors.
• A kid can sniff out old socks and things from under the table or from the dark corners in your room.
• A kid is stupid, that adds to the entertainment factor when you are looking at the kid through a binocular.
• If there is a kid in your home,you can have illicit relation with barely legal baby sitter.
• A kid can be used as a hub for 'social' networking with neighbor chicks.
• A kid can be a nice conversation starter.."Haha..look at that dumb kid..."
  

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Saving your dear life:

If you ever come across a kid, do not..I repeat..do not cross the path. Do not maintain eye contact. Eye contact makes you inferior in front of the kid. Always maintain a low profile in front of the kid. Just try and mingle with the crowd.Always keep something on your lap, empty lap attracts kids, soon your lap will become a roller coaster ride for the entire family of kids.

If you see a kid with a stone in hand, don't second guess RUN!!!! Kids have exceptionally good hand eye coordination and thus good aim.
Never ask a kid to sing or recite a rhyme. They kinda get shy at first[Yeah! like certain spiders trying to lure the pray], but soon you will ask for mercy and would be in the verge of tears for them to stop singing/reciting stupid poems again and again and again and again.
Never fight with a kid. If you are a male, your vital components are exposed royally for a 'head butt' from the kid. Remember kids have extra thick skull.
Lollipop is a good collateral to get your car key/mobile phone etc back from a kid. When they say "I am gonna throw it" Stupid kid means it. [*sigh]
Never wrestle with a kid and a pig.
Never argue with a kid, they are good with math and knows everything about the world around them.
Children love stories and you don't know any.Talk about Newton's laws of physics and things, when they ask you for bed time story.They are supposed to leave you alone.
Never come in between a kid and ice-cream truck/last slice/piece of anything sweet.
Never volunteer to repair a broken toy.[*sigh]

____________________

If you love kids, feed them vegetables. They simply love it.

Read another blog post on Girl Kid.
__________________________+

.::NICK NAME::.

Nick names are awarded to persons, who show certain unique characteristics from the normal Homo Sapien behavior.Nick names are scientific names given to an individual by the society to uniquely identify that individual from the rest of the group. Nick names are also awarded to teachers and professors out of sheer frustration or amusement of the students, some of these names are passed down from generation to generation.

People with curly hair become 'Noddle Head'. People who always win arguments by stating laws and theorems become EDD[ Normally Called DD!! hmm..Where have I heard that before].

I know of a certain person named "Cuckoo Aneesh."

Your guess is right, his real name is Aneesh. So why is he named after the cuckoo bird. Well the person who gave him the nick name has obvious reasons for it.

Now, if you think that he sings well, Nope, thank God he does not. Actually, when God was handing out talents he was checking out the menu card of Eat at Saint's.

In order to understand how aptly he is named, let us see some fundamental details about cuckoo bird. Cuckoo bird is cunning, it sings beautifully and it lays its eggs in other bird's nest.
As I said, Cuckoo Aneesh, doesn't sing.[*Phew].
But
Cuckoo Aneesh is very cunning.Nope! He doesn't lay eggs and I don't mean 'cunning' in that sense. He lays his thick college text books in other people's bag. You know how hard it is to carry around 'Comprehensive' information. Cuckoo Aneesh knows that, normally a college goer carries a bag to 'advertise' that he is going to college. Naturally, if you come out of the home without the bag, you got to face the question "Where you going?". The bag is self explanatory.

Everyone who sees you in the morning with the bag, will come the conclusion, "Oh!! So this guy is going to college."
A bag gives you the 'student' status and enables you to claim the 'student concession' in public transport system.

Cuckoo Aneesh also knows that, the college goer never opens the bag, especially the inner 'compartments' of the bag, where he strategically deposits the eggs...I mean his books, So his books are safe like the mummified Egyptian thingies.

So an unsuspecting classmate of his will carry his thick text book everyday. All Cuckoo Aneesh needs to do is claim the textbook without his classmate's knowledge in the morning and deposit it back before his class mate goes home.

So for this unique characteristics of laying books in other people's bag he is given the nick 'Cuckoo' Aneesh.Cool. No?
__________________________+

.::COLLEGE::.

"College...Yeah I know that place..Dude you should check out the pool club near that building..Awesome"-Cousin on college.

"A small step for man, a giant leap in financial debt"-Parent of College_n00b.
____________________

I know dear readers, some of you people must be in this awesome social setting called college and some of you must be missing that luxurious 'day care center sponsored by various banks and financial institutions.' This post is about those awesome place called college.

When a n00b set foot inside the gates of the place_for_awesome_knowledge; he is filled with new hope, a new energy to be successful in life [Har har har *snort *snort]. There is a positive vibe around him and a stupid grin on his face thinking about him pwning the world later.[The kind of grin Bill Gates had when he gave Windows 98 to the world.].Luckily such positive thinking will fade away in the coming days, due to environmental factors.

The n00b shows his attitude by flaunting his 'pods' and 'phones' [which he will ofcourse keep as collateral for weed in the coming years], in front of the seniors[Read:Demi Gods]. Some smart n00bs use the 'effective time' to make new friends and use 'contacts' in college to create an 'illusion' of security like Windows Firewall- an illusion which is an urban college myth .The 'Designer n00bs', try to find n00bs of the same species wearing black nail polish and pink colored phone.

What these n00bs fail to understand is they are being 'closely monitored' by their seniors and is being cataloged based on parameters.[I am under the Oath that the parameters should not be disclosed.]. Background checks are done on 'prospective n00bs' and are checked and cross checked to ensure 0 error in the approach pattern.
After making sure that their college kid[n00b] is inside the college the parents run off. They walk across a stream of water to put the college kid off their scent.

For the first few weeks the n00bs find themselves having a hard time, cuz of 'Attitude' by the seniors. N00bs who are athletic survive these weeks, mostly by outrunning a beer bellied senior who is in need of some entertainment. 'Smart n00bs' who have a larger-than-normal hippocampus(The area of brain that deal with memory and navigation) thingy, is quick to find places where fences are low and cracks in compound walls manage to surprise the senior by disappearing from view and is soon given 'elite n00b' status.
'Designer n00bs' are the ones who say 'NOT FAIR!!' the most in the campus. They always manage to somehow come between a rock and a hard place [Senior with a hardon] and end up dancing, singing and performing various traditional campus cultural items. Time moves on and soon a senior get caught in the web of 'Arrear Exams', campus fest and projects and has no time for pwning n00bs. Karma at large!!
*sigh


N00b soon learns everything about life, mostly in the first 6 months.But some who are not quick learners take at-least a year. Most of them get the enlightenment pretty soon.They learn that their professors know nothing of the subject they are teaching. The use of Google will help them to get the exact reference material their teachers are 'referring'. They also learn rather 'painfully' that the 'humorous dialogues' their funny professor says is exactly the same thing he has been saying every year, (y)ear after (y)ear.College student attend classes just for 'entertainment' and being with their 'loved' ones. Most of the professors have 'low visibility range' and back-benchers as they lovingly call them is way below the visible spectrum.

Back benchers are the elite of the elite.It takes pain to be a back-bencher. To adorn that place,you should have the guts to bunk exams and drop grades. Once you are a back-bencher, he is in the process to attain 'Nirvana'.The attaining of thick skin is the proof that you indeed is on the path towards Nirvana.

"Nature's Principle' does apply in the campus.Survival of the toughest. The geeks or nerds or 'intellectuals' known for their highly evolved brain and fragile bones[ cuz of lack of ability of their body to process protein and calcium in their diet] is 'leased' by back-benchers to complete their assignments and projects. In return the geek is provided 'freedom' and 'Right of self expression'. These geeks are later hired by the 'Back benchers' to run their company or FBI/NSA to secure their information backbone.

A geek is extremely grateful, if they are given food coupon or life's luxuries such as a micro tip pen or copy of pirated movies.

A Geek:Hey Dude!!

Harmless Senior:WTF? [ Seniors always use the 3 word approach.] Where you comin from?

A Geek:Guess what? I went for a movie, All alone. Ya know it got 'A' rating.

Harmless Senior:Wow! Good.

Some geeks show slight signs of improvement.

A geek can be found in Library reading thick books through thick spectacle glasses or can be found in the computer lab programming vector graphics for FUN!!.

The College campus is a place where people learn a lot about life. They get everything a shopping mall can't offer. A college campus has 'Self styled banks', that provides money for the needy to buy weed and booze. Text books are not accepted as collateral in most of the places.C'mon these days even canteen guy don't accept text book as collateral.
*sigh

College is a place where you will never be one man short for sharing a booze and playing caroms.
Only place where you can still see the barter system is a college campus. In some cases geeks are kept as collateral.A geek gets love of all the woman in the campus, but they don't see any geek 'that way'.

This place equips us to be self sufficient. Girls like the chameleon uses their tongue to capture 'pray' which is usually the campus equivalent of world bank for their small luxuries.Guys has to resort to various 'fund raising events' to make ends meet in campus.[When they 'roll' (use up) the money for exam fees on food,film,weed and booze].Such events actually equip a person to understand 'Life' in its broadest spectrum.

If you don't get enough exercise, the same thing that your parents were complaining of? A college provides facility for that too. College gym is the place that ranks 2nd in the list, first being the loo for high amount of 'Pungent smell' in per cubic air in that area.There is something better than gym.A college goer can join a self styled Campus Student Government, to get some much needed exercise. The agenda for most of the Student Government is 'Reasonable Parking Space for all vehicles.','Making it mandatory to wear dress to the campus.' etc.

A student who is in such movement gets ample opportunity for exercise like sitting cozily near a female and protesting on issues no one gives a damn about,climbing trees to tie banners, walking aimlessly under the hot sun etc.You would be really lucky if you are in Kerala campus, cuz you really get good chance to throw stones at cops, burn buses and cars[Mallu students are more sensible and they don't try and burn themsleves!They don't want their younger siblings buy cars and bike with their insurance amount!!Har har har ] and really enjoy yourself in all its awesomeness, simply because a crow pooped on a student's head.Only students can understand the plight of another student and being a student is a fight from the very beginning itself.No?

A campus is a place where many learn that there is more to life than FTv midnight hot ,E.S.P.N and I.P.L. This is the place where people understand in detail about opposite sex. Some people are surprised to learn new things about their own 'orientation'. Though doing engineering, a college student is more interested in 'anatomy.'. [This is what happens when a kid is forced to take engineering by his parents.]. He is so in love with anatomy that he paste posters of Monica Belluci[ Melena,posters especially], Lindsay Lohan etc on the walls of his hostel room.

This is where you get a chance to 'Hook-up' with the opposite sex. When a person from campus is 'paired'[ A term derived from Information Technology], he and she outcasts themselves from the 'group', and is found spending quality time,together, in the restaurant, deserted lab,far corner of the football ground, insde the car ,showing PDA or simply called as 'Mating Behavior'. When you interview such campus 'paired' couples, many of them give a vivid description of their 'so called future' together for ever.

Some even get paid[Ooops!! Typo.? . Go figure]. Such is the effect of weed on humans. Most of these 'paired' couples 'unpair' after transferring the data. E.O.F
"Curiosity killed the cat". This quote has a whole new meaning here.Don't you think..Guyzzzz? ;-)

Such unpaired couples can be seen sitting ,alone under mango tree reading some thick book or listening to sad songs.The guy can be mostly spotted by his scraggly beard.[Such Devdas behaviour is soon becoming extinct. *sigh..It's soo fun to watch them sit that way!.].

Columbus discovered America. There are some people in college, who is greatly influenced by the story of great explorers. These 'eXXplorers ' have the talent to form MoU[ Memorandum of 'Understanding] with individual of opposite sex.Then they will be 'Searching' and 'Exploring' that female's body sitting at the last bench in class or under the great Banyan Tree. This cultural item in the campus is called 'Thappal'[ A term defined by a Mallu], or in English simbly called as 'Searching' or G(.)(.)gling.These guys are often seen as 'Vathsyana' and is envied by the rest of the population. They do this to bust 'boredom' of boring topics in the booring class.Nothing else ..okay!!

Party poopers such as exams and assignments are conducted routinely to check how many students are there in each class by the University.This event is purely for statistical reasons. Many students are confident that writing 'national anthem' or 'lyrics of Enrique Iglesias' songs in the answer papers will get them the pass mark in that subject. Many of them gracefully clear the exam.

A campus these days doubles up as internet cafe. This is where students can login to various social networking sites and upload their awesome weekend party pics of them sleeping, cuddling a toilet bowl, onto their Face Book or Orkut Albums. To enable free access to the information age, many campuses give students FREE laptop [When you are on a Bank loan, everything is FREE!] which can be used to watch porn movies[on Mute], play game, chat etc while you are bored, [which is 90% of the time] in class.

A campus canteen is a fragile economy where the business is mostly done as a 'service.' This is a place where you can 'eyeball' on Extra Terrestrials [Chicks other than from your class] and sip on lame juice[ No!! I am not making fun of Mallu pronounciation. Most campus menu items are lame and is like the grades of a back bencher- below average.]

Finally, when they are send out of college declaring them as 'awesomeness' of knowledge. These people, equipped with the knowledge for money laundering, financing and managerial skills, find their natural talent and start up companies and get their geek friends to run them. College equips us to be masters in the art of deception. This skill is used to confuse the HOT H.R executives during the interview and get a call center job and start an awesome career life.

____________________

"The more we learn, we kinda loose the ability to take risk.Is it because, we are educated to be always right,never make mistake and our EGO doesn't allow us to be wrong or fail?" Sorcerer pondering over a cup of coffee.
__________________________+

.::TALKING TO A WOMAN::.

This post is categorized under the "Sorcy's HOW TO" Series of blog posts. This is where we discuss in detail about 'How to ' Tackle a particular problem in life awesomely.

____________________

If you are one of those, person who find it quiet difficult to talk to a woman, this blog post is for you. Let us assume that the awesome pickup lines I mentioned in my previous posts helped you to break the ice.

• Breaking ice 1

• Breaking Ice 2

Let us now see how to carry on with the conversation after breaking the ice and adding it into your drink.
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Females love complements. So shower them with praises and complements like "Wow!! that black eye match your bra-straps". This is a fantastic and honest complement. I may not be the first one to tell you that how much woman folks love honesty. You should always complement on anything and everything she has and talk about it endlessly to make her feel comfortable, till she get sooo excited and seal your lips with a kiss.

Complement her on her fashion-sense, though she is in her lab uniform or college uniform and everyone is wearing the same thing.
If she is having a bad hair day and the whole world knows it, be different, tell her how beautiful her hair looks and it make her look saexy and is giving you a hardon.This will make her think that you are the person who finds the intricate pattern of order in every mess up. Complements like this comfort her very much.

Always add "Wow" at the start of every complement.This is to warn her that you are going to give a complement.

Example:

"WOW!!so,Wrinkle cream does work magic"

"WOW!! I just love that table cloth pattern on your dress."

"WOW!! Is that window curtain you are wearing?"

"WOW!! You sure have put on weight! So you got a pay rise.eh?"


You should WOW at everything she does.It's an art if you could creatively complement her pimples comparing her smooth skin to the craters on the moon.Adding a bit or poetic words always work the magic.Now you know the reason why you hate Enrique songs and she loves Enrique.Don't ya? Use French words like 'Banshur' or something in your conversation even though you don't know French. It adds more bonus points to your character.

Make sure that you know every little changes happening in her life and complement on it...like "WOW!! 'Those'..really look large today",[Say this by pointing your finger at 'those'] another honest complement and she will be thinking "Wow!! He notices everything about me! How lucky to be with him."
Remember, always complement on anything and everything she does.
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Show that you care and respect. Woman like men who cares. If you want to be the knight in shining armor of the 21st and Half century, just like Sir, Daffy Duck, you should be a real gentleman. A real gentleman will notice that 'cleavage' which is showing through her shirt buttons and will offer her a 'safety pin'.She may be having a Skoda Octavia registered in her name on her 18th Birthday; but you 'gentleman' should buy her safety-pin. She may be confident about herself and her body, but it's a real gentleman's duty to enforce the 'divine' rules.

A real gentle man would fantasize having the most perverted way of having sex with a woman and sweat but in real world, offer the woman fur coat during the summer. Such acts of caring would bring you more closer to the woman you want to be with.
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When you are talking to a girl, always stare at her heart and right lung.Remember,when you finally get a chance to have a conversation, make maximum use of it.Tell every good thing about you and make yourself very comfortable in front of her. Bring a wide variety of topics in your conversation. Woman like intelligent guys.[Einstien was married Twice.].Talk about UNIX kernal, COM components,Charged particle oscillator etc. Don't worry if she is sitting staring at you without talking anything. She is just spellbound seeing your awesome intelligence.

When you are done proving your intelligence, you can let her speak on topics you choose.Girls like guys who have 'control'. So you can ask her about girlish things[ yeah!! Things things they are aware of, only!] like PMS, calculating safe period,maintaining a good hair, shaving creams etc.This way you are letting her talk about things she knows, and she will have confidence.You don't want her to stumble and stutter talking about 'tough' topics.Real men, really cares.

Always bring in current topics and whats happening around the world in your conversation.Let her feel that you are very 'Today'. Talk about the email you received from your IT friend which has pics of Britney Spears without underwear.Give a lecture on 'How people dress up these days, and spoil the younger generation'. Then get her email address and forward her the same.Do bring up the 'Britney' topic every time you meet this woman again.
I think I have mentioned in a previous post somewhere that girls like guys who hold traditional values, a man who reflects a bit of real traditional culture, so talk to her about Paris Hilton and Kamasutra.
When you are talking about body parts, be sure to beat around the bush and make it more creative and make her guess which body part you are talking about by giving clues via words and actions.

Let us see an example

Guy:Ya know those round things...

Girl:hmm...Tyres?

Guy:No...Hmm..Soft thingy that are meant for kids but grown ups play with it more..

Girl:Hmm..Toy Train.

Guy:No..Hmmm.Those..pomp pomps.*Try and do it with action like honking a horn.[Invent your own code-words to make it more simple and appealing.]

Girl:Oh!!!That thing?

Guy:Yeah!!

Girl:I thought you were talking about boobs.

Guy:*Act totally shocked but try and change it back into a beeg smile in 3.5 micro seconds![Wow! You finally heard a woman say 'boobs'.Hmm...Yeah..Shes talking 'dirty'..that means she likes 'Sex'.]

Yeah!! You noticed it? How fast things are turning out for you when you are following the Standard Operation Procedures for 'Talking To a Girl'.
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Making body contact is another good way for a healthy conversation.Stand really close to her, let her aura meet your aura.Let her breathe your muskish smell.It is scientifically proven that musk smell turns on a woman. By standing close to her, she will intake with her breathe the smell of seducing Axe Deo spray+The smell of Lunch+Smell of Beer/Any alcoholic beverage+Natural Body Odor, the sum of which is the musk odor of a male.

While talking to her, let your hands do the walking over her body while you are talking. Start by holding her hands.Move it up as you speak and hmm.shoulders..hm..hair..hmm..[Do follow a random movement pattern! Make it unpredictable for her where your hands would be next!The Game begins.]

Squeezing her bottoms is a real turn on for woman.So while she is busy talking to you, give her a good squeeze.This will really warm up the bottom and the conversation, exponentially.
If you can't get your hands around her waist[Horizontally a challenge] to squeeze the bottom,hold her hands,[If she doesnt' let you do that, try and grab it] while you are talking to her. Squeeze it hard and show her how strong you are.You know why Olive loves Popeye, right?..
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Give her a positive body language. Experts says[What else they do..huh!] that our body talks about us more than the actual conversation via voice. One best example is porn movies.The chick in those movies do 'converse' a lot with her facial and body language and try to convince us that she had the Big 'O' of her life.

Clean your nails with the car keys or take wax out of your ear with the car keys while you are talking to her.This shows that you give a high priority for personal hygiene.Remember,personal hygiene is one of the girl's top priority other than chocolate.You can also alternatively switch between biting nails and spitting and picking your nose.
Do these to make first impression memorable. Rose[Kate Winslet] and Jack[Leonardo Di Caprio] played 'Spitting' competition on the deck of Titanic[Titanic-The Movie].Such classic movies teach us a lot.We all know they had sex within the next 45 minutes.See, Spitting improves your face-value among girls and gives you better chance for a 'relationship'.

Playing games on your mobile and texting your friend while in conversation with a woman shows that you have multitasking capabilities.
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You should be a person who would understand humor and is a 'fun' guy. Always make it a point to make fun of/on her.She would love it and laugh. If it's in the middle of a group of persons, she would love that more cuz you gave her the limelight.

If you can't get any witty topics to speak about, go for the classics 'Hair Dresser and Old Man ' Joke.[ I know its old joke and every one knows it; but so is Romeo and Juliet.]
You may be a vegetarian, but be sure to be the one who knows all the non-veg jokes. Oh yeah!! She would love them and she would be inviting you to her home when her parents are away,soon.
Make sure that you repeat the same jokes over and over again, whenever you meet her.This is called 'Cherishing the Moment'.

____________________

Such are the methods for succesful communication, says the Sorcerer.

Pointer to the previous : How To Series
__________________________+

.::TEENAGERS::.

They are every where, just like bacteria in your mouth when you wake up from your sleep every morning. They are classified as humans in the transition phase. They do 'behave' [ A term which a teenager never understands!] like our ancestors[ Yeah! I should have called them Monkeys, But with all due respect to those harmless animals when you compare them to the teen-aged humans, I wont glorify 'teenagers' with the term 'Monkeys'.]just before loosing their tail and entering the awesome era of 'bachelorhood'.

Teenagers ARE the 'missing link' which the scientists has been looking for all these years. The only highly evolved organ in their body is the opposable thumbs, which is used to send text messages on phone and fiddle with the controls on ipods, iphones,imac and gaming controls..oh..also hold Pepsi Tin Can.

A teenager can be identified by the look or the smell, which ever gets to you first.Some prefer to call themselves a trend by blindly copying the way 'Brittany spears' or 'Ricky Martin' dress like. WOW!! Seriously, the choices they make in copying people is by the album cover and available options in their wardrobe,C'mon!! Who in their senses want to look even '.1% similar to these celebrities.
I think most of the coronary shocks happen when their parents see their kids in 'Paris Hilton' mode or 'E.T' mode.Since such cases are not properly documented, teenagers escape the statistical figures for coronary strokes.

"Is wanna-be a Halloween costume?"- Dewdrops on Wanna-be's.


C'mon who wouldn't be shocked when you open up the door at 2:00 AM in the morning expecting to see your 'lovely,cuddely buddely teenager' walk in, instead see a 'creature' with hair that resembles a porcupine, blood shot eyes,wearing either some animal skin or feather and smells like piss of buffalo.
Whenever I read in the newspaper about the sighting of 'strange creature' I always doubt that some one must have seen a teenager returning from a joint.

They can always be found in groups.No! they are not solitary animals unless during their 'me time'. If you are a girl, you can spot them easily by the way they stare at your *cough *cough bs. If you are a guy, you can spot a teenager by the pimples.

Their main hobbies are 'hanging out'. As I said, they hang out in groups. When they are in groups you can see their true color.[There is nothing as natural hair color!So don't be surprised]. They think they own the world, like a n00b in a chat room.They talk really really loud and you would wonder if you are in the midst of retards.Oh!! Okay!! Wait a minute; everyone of em is listening to their 'ipods', that explains their loudness.
They want everything loud, their music, their instructions and even their food.

"OMG!!,OMG!!,OMG!!!" if you hear those shouts, RUN..... You are in the audible range of crazy teenagers.

A typical teenager never sleeps, they hibernate.Most of them are nocturnal. They sleep during the day waking up just to have their breakfast, lunch and dinner [The main purposes of life other than going to loo].They are on phone during the night. If they are not on phone, they are in some chat-rooms, begging to so called 'cam-chicks' to accept their request for cam show.Their parents are 'cornered' to believe that their 'tech wizard' teenage kid is studying on the internet downloading model question papers.But in reality we all know what a teenager does online.
These 'kids' are lucky cuz of the advancement in technology.In your days,it would be the movie posters on the walls.C'mon!

They download porn [Yes! Teenager likes to see humans mate.], pictures and load them on to their mobile phone; the next day they would be infecting the blood lines of teenage hood with these downloaded awesomeness.Teenagers are also called 'homo erectus' cuz of such behavior.

Yeah they are spoiled by the technology, pot, booze and other designer drugs, and gadgets their parents buy to keep these alleged teenager quiet, cuz law prevents them from putting the teenager in a cage.

In case you are wondering what a teenager is talking about! Well! most of the time a guy would be talking about girls, sex,Girls,their hot teachers,sex,classmate chicks,[Yeah!Teenagers go to school,At least they are supposed to],cars,sex,football,porn,FB,Sports,sex,cheer leaders,IPL,sex. Most of the time their conversation is a mix of these topics;with girls and related stuffs clocking a healthy 99% of the conversation.

My research with the girl teenage population revealed that a teenage girl apart from bitching about someone who is better looking than her, typically talk about GOD [OMG!!OMG!!! HE IS SOO HWAAATTT!!!], Guy Gods,guy celebrities who is about to declare their unending love for the 'pizza delivery guy', Math professor,Garnier Product range,Sunsilk Gang of Girls thingy etc. They also discuss 'It's a girl thing' things and enrich themselves with awesome knowledge and get pregnant.

[If you are a teenager reading this, Go ahead Deny this!!That proves you are a teenager.Muaahahahahaha!!]

Teenagers get depressed..WOOOHOOO!!!! Yeah!!!God Giveth! Good thing no?

You can identify a depressed teenager by the way that bozo behaves. They would not show much interest even towards the last piece of pizza [Mallu's Read :'pissa'.]First symptom is the 'neglect' towards awesome food.They have a constipated grimace on their face all the time. They download 'sad..sad..' songs off the internet.They take bath.Such are the symptoms of a depressed teenager.

A teenager can get depressed because of various reasons.Most of the time they are depressed cuz 'Their Chemistry miss is getting married.' or the person who is at-least 15 years elder than them rejected their 'love' request then pointed and laughed at their maturity.

A teenage girl gets awesomely depressed when their crush(mostly a celebrity)gets married, or declares that he is a gay.A teenage guy is equipped quiet well with 'shock absorbers' to handle such news by female celebrities. Most of the time their celebrities are their 'Tuition teacher', neighbor aunt,friend's elder sister etc.

These teenagers always say that "WORLD IS NOT FAIR!! NOBODY UNDERSTAND ME..AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES IN THIS WHOLE FUCKING WORLD." Well not exactly in that particular order, but kinda like that.

Yes.."World is not fair" cuz they are asked to take bath by the district judge.They are right "NOBODY can understand them" cuz people are confused by their appearance, if they are Cow,alien,mutant, or a mutant alien cow by the looks of 'it'[Read:Teenager]."Am I the only one who cares"..Sure thing! They care only for themselves.

It's hard to understand them the way they talk.Ever had the chance to read a text message sent by a teenager?

Text Message:r u ,in?
Decipher it as "Are you coming?"

Teenagers are territorial.Apart from marking their territory by scent, they go to the extend of locking themselves in their room.Inside the room, they are pretty much doing nothing, they would simply be sleeping, reading comic books, browsing porn over the internet.Some teenagers indulge in the art of cross-dressing and write to Agony aunties asking them "If cross dressing is a disease."

Teenagers can eat anything and never be sick. They are like cockroaches. They eat anything and everything.The guy teenager likes to grow big and strong like a firetruck and hose the girls down.

A girl in her teen may look undernourished..But didn't you notice that she has such beautiful nails and hair [It's ironical that hair and nails are called dead tissues].A teenage girl would do anything to look skinny and to have a belly like that of Shakira.Most of their daily diet consist of 2 almonds and 1 badam XOR any juice [Organic] that is pink in color.Their fave drink is orange juice or any fruit juice without sugar,water ice etc etc.
[I know guys!! Porm movies does misguide us guys a huge lot..*sigh]

Teenagers are dumb.They take proud in shooting their awesome stunts like 'lighting up crackers on their head',jumping off the terrace to a plastic bucket full of water, cycling on terrace blind folded, humping pets. running naked and butt sliding on the road,smashing bottles with fart.Once they video record their awesomeness they put it on you-tube for the whole world to see or send it to AXN for the 'Retard's Show'.
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"NOT FAIR!!" when I write only the truth about them. I cannot be that honest.Teenagers are not that bad.Okay! They are good.Okay! A teenager is actually a good thing, when duct taped and is put in the boot of the car.They behave such a way cuz of chemical reactions arising out of curiosity.

"It's easy to understand a person younger than us, when we look back at how rebellious we were when we were their age and accepting the truth of the present."-Sorcerer

What prompted me to write this blog is when I saw a discussion on T.V about 'Mobile phone-Teenagers and Relationship.'.There is no point in blaming a technology or technologies for the teenage abortions. For the generation who can't understand the technology and is finding fault in 'all those technologies to misguide youngsters' should try and understand these teenagers,[Atleast they are of the same species.]. It is easy to decipher [Read:Understand] a human when you talk to them in "their" way. Remember they are yet to learn our language, but we already know their language.[Don't we call Ourselves 'Mature'?]

"Be a friend in all means,not a dictator, only then you will know their pulse; if else you are tapping at the wrong nerve with your eyes closed.A youngster, can put a whole show for you till they say 'FIN'.And then you wake up from your slumber into a not so good reality!"

__________________________+

.::PICKUP LINES::.

I was told [or warned] by my awesome readers to put a disclaimer or warning tag on my blog-post before I give awesome gyan.[Read:Information]

So here it goes Err..Feel free to try these pickup lines at your own risk.'
Note:There is no risk when you are standing sideways and a hand's length away while trying these lines on the chick you find in the pub.

Some of them are customized for e=mc^2 kind

____________________

• Excuse me...Err...Is your name North? Cuz my compass is pointing in your direction.

• Hello there Baby!! Are those firmwares real?

• Ooh!! You turn my floppy disk into a 'hard' disk.

• You have a greater gravitational pull than earth, I think I am locked in your orbit.
  

• You look so hot, you would keep my lap more warm than my laptop.
  

• Ooh la la..Can I mount my server on your rack?

• Baby!! You overclock my heart.
  

• I can't spell FCUK without U.

• What's your name?I think I should call NASA and say I discovered new moons.

• You slow the world around me like gaming on a machine with defective graphics driver.

• Let's go to the parking bay and perform some 'illegal operation.'

• Can I access your special folder?
  

• Let's go to my shell and compile all night.

• We could be sin ²X + cos ²X tonight. What say?

• I can use my fingers for more than just Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
  

• What's your name?Err..I wanna shout your name when I have a buffer overflow.

• You are like an HTML Structure. Small head and Huge body! [This will definitely work]
  

• You are my cure for low blood pressure.Sugar!!
  

• Gwad!! you just gave me a level 5 outbreak.
  

• Us together will be like 2 hard drives on RAID1[RAID 1 mirrors the contents of the disks, making a form of 1:1 ratio realtime backup. ]
  

• Baby!I won't let anything come in between our relationship, not even latex.

• I can be 3 and you be 23.Let's go home and multiply.
  

____________________

These should work mostly! Use Axe Deo Spray as 'Plan -B'. There should always a plan B.
Plan C is the door with the sign 'EXIT' in bold red lettering. Period.

__________________________+

.::COCONUTS::.

Coconut and Life. The unknown parallel, that's the title I can think about a real coconut.

In this blog post, we are going to find out the intricate link between coconut and human life.Coconuts is what 'distinguishes' Kerala from the rest of the world. A mallu is always proud of their coconuts. Poets have written awesomely beautiful lines about these 'lovely bunches'. Coconuts are trademark symbol for many things natural.
Mostly, coconuts are found on coconut trees and is usually green in color when in their teens.
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These coconuts fall down to earth because of some totally unforeseen reasons or because of bad luck of the person standing under it. The uses of coconuts are endless.

1)Coconuts are used to solve disputes between God and humans.

2)Coconut oil is applied on head to reflect sunlight, thus keeping the head of a typical mallu cool.

3)Coconut husk is used to wash cars, elephants and kids.

4)Coconuts are also used to solve disputes between 2 humans.

5)Coconut shell can be used as 'organic bra.'

6)Coconut shell with hole can be used as 'organic feeding bra'.

7)Communism thanks coconut leaves for it's amazing ability to protect protesters from sunlight.

8)Coconut tree is used as construction material, vantage point for capturing Video of mallu babes bathing in river or to escape from hyperactive neighbor dog 'Pintu Mon'.

Yes, the use of coconut is endless.
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Okay. I am supposed to compare coconut with life.

In life, problems falls on our head, just like a coconut.Right? Totally unpredicted random event.Now when a problem falls down on our head, it kinda hurts. What everyone does then is, look at the problem. Stare it for quiet a long time, [Till vision becomes clear].

We identify the problem, and we see that It is of course like the coconut hard to crack. Some people take time to appreciate the problem. They look at it from different angles and view points, only to finally agree that it's definitely a thick hard shelled problem that they have in their hands.

Some people show the gutts to solve the problem by breaking the surface. Then they slowly dig their way, into the problem layer by layer, clearing the husk of the problem. As they do it, they are so enthusiastic.They go like "WOW!!This is like plucking a chicken."Now as they reach the core of the problem,which is the shell, most of them stop.Many lose interest and give up. Give up just before they achieve their goal..*sigh

There is an old saying, "Coconut is hardest just before the fleshy eatable stuff."- Sorcerer ; "Night is darkest just before the dawn."- Some wise guy.

This is when you need to put a bit more effort, take the problem in your hands and just a lil smash and solve it for ever, and literally mean it when you say "cherish the success of your effort."

I believe in this theory that you can learn a lot from the nature and discovery channel.
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Note:You can't hatch a coconut by sitting on a it.

____________________

"I want my coconuts shaken and stirred"- Shakkeela in Kinnarathumbikal
__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

How to feel like a Total Dumb ass early in the morning. A practical approach.

Morning, a wonderful time that gives you the momentum for the rest of the day. This blog post will teach you how to feel like a dumb ass all day long.

1)Wake up early in the morning.

2)Check mobile for 'missed call','Messages'.

3)Play "Nature park" on the mobile phone.

4)Get totally bored in less than 20 minutes. Explore 'SIM card' options,just out of sheer boredom.

5)Click through all options.

6)Accidentally activate "LAME JOKES " service option given by service provider by sending SMS.

7)Loose 30 INR in an instant.

8)Be surprised at how fast their computers are in deducting amount towards service charges.

9)Call up the customer care and cancel the activated service, and when asked explain to them how you can't stand their lame jokes.Sigh loudly and audibly.

Me:I want to cancel the Joke Service which I just now registered.

Customer Care:Why sir?

Me:I don't want that lame jokes to look dumb.Okay.

Customer care:Okay Sir.

Me:I mean..I didn't mean it that way..I meant..I am not dumb enough to read dumb jokes.

Customer Care:Understood Sir.

[Do they actually record these conversations?*sigh]


10)Stare up at the ceiling. Check the balance on phone again and again.

11)Feel like total dumb ass even before you set foot on earth from bed.

Awesome. No?
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Send Good Morning messages too all friends detailing how you lost 30 INR.
Wait for their responses and encouragement to perform such actions through out the day.

Still feel like a total dumb ass and is in need of some enlightenment.

Blog about it and wait for some encouragement.

____________________

Genius[On Phone]: Okay baby. It should be color coded.
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Genius[On Phone]:It's not?Hmm..Just reach back and guess which hole is which.

Us:*Ahem *ahem...

Genius:Perverts...
____________________

The upcoming engineers [My cousin's friends and me]; was randomly speaking about good things under the sun. At some point the whole conversation turned towards politics. Then we were cruising down the highways of MohanJe Daro and Harappa and the rich Indian Culture and things.
We were so awesomely proud about ourselves still managing to remember the Social Studies thingies we learned when we were kiddos.

When you put a bunch of intellectuals together, there is always a chance for disagreement when facts are stated.Right? We too had a disagreement over Ashok Sthambh. When you are with engineers, you better boil down your facts to the last of the decimal.

Intellectual 1:Haha ha..to you.

Intellectual 2: I know what is Ashok Sthambh .Okay!!

Intelectual 1:Oh yeah!! Tell us about it.

Intellectual 2:It has 4 lions. 1 lion is seen sitting with mouth cupped with hands, one is seen sitting with eyes cupped and one is seen sitting with its ears cupped.Since the 4th lion is behind we cant actually see what it is doing.

To give the n00bs some information about Ashok Sthambh.Click here

As you must have imagined, we were rolling on the floor and laughing. We were amazed how he managed to confuse the 3 wise monkeys with 4 lions.On top of it he was not really sure what the 4th Lion was doing.

Info on 3 wise monkeys

__________________________+

.::ALCOHOL::.

Alcohol also refereed in literature as 'Holywater' is the staple diet for human beings. Certain segment of human population(which of course is the major segment)believes that consumption of spirit will help them achieve higher levels of intelligence and help them contact holy spirits. This fascination or illusion comes out of blurry vision and echoing of own voice inside the ears after the consumption of alcohol.

Alcohol or the holy water is served at places called 'pubs' by the priests who are well versed in juggling bottles, a ritual to satisfy the spirits. Human beings, go to the pub to worship the spirits every weekend and achieve Nirvana or a state of trance.

Alcohol was like the open source till man invented the technology to make awesome bottles. [ I must confess that the curves of vodka bottle always make me go ooooooooohhhh].

The advantages of having alcohol is endless

Alcohol makes you look saexy in the mirror. You can see yourself in the mirror and smile at your awesome incredibly hoombaboomba oohsa la la eyes which are sexily half opened like shutters of shops on a harthal day called by a not so strong political party. If you have not tried this, you should try looking into the mirror when you are totally drunk.Trust me you would look so saxy,spacially dose eyezzz..While you are at it hold your fetish for twins.

[Make sure that you are alone while you are at it. You don't want to end up on YOUTUBE videos,having sex with a mirror.]

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Alcohol gives you good confidence. Remember the story about ugly duckling?[ Har har har on you!!you still remember such pansy stories? Huh!]. People may call you by different names, depending up on your geographical features.Alcohol is the only one substance invented, to dissolve all such 'fancy names'. Alcohol has unique property of making everyone sexy and give lots of confidence.

Case A) It gives you awesome confidence in driving any vehicle. Though you would be surprised at the driving controls which is very different from arrow keys on your keyboard.

Case B)It brings out the real you. Alcohol has lubricating properties. It can make those stiff joints of your hands and legs move saxeily like that of belly of Shakira.This way you metamorph into a blond pole dancer. You have the confidence to come out of your cocoon, exposing your hairy limbs(moths are hairy!) and make awsome moves on the top of table.Alcohol makes even 'pappu' dance.['Pappu' can't dance?..Rubbissss].

Those moves you make will beat even that moves made by butterfly on a sandy beach.I call this the real 'Butterfly Effect'. "A hurricane is formed by the round round random movements made by the butts/hips of a dancing alcoholic on a pub table". It makes you possible to dance in all amazing Kamasutra positions.

Case C) It gives you the confidence to sing.The molecules of alcohol actually slows down the frequency you hear, making it more awesome like listening to music when inside a tunnel. The sober and not so drunk people will disregard your singing talent as the sound made by a female rhino when giving birth.

Alcohol makes you emotional and caring towards fellow humans.This is the reason why people after getting drunk has the urge to phone their ex and talk to them in 'ultra' romantic voice and tell them that life sucked more than she actually did.[Literally!].

When you are under de influenshe of alcohol, you haf de divine giffft to effortlessly shpeak any language.You are able to shpeak diffaran dialectsh of English and the 'shhh' factor comesh in which eesh believed to be de trademark uff 'Foren Accent'. Even a Mallu can talk Amchi Local Hindi when under the influence of vodka.

The girl sitting on your right looks sexy. Even though she is wearing one of those thick fur coat, you with the alcohol edge is able to see through it. You will feel like George of the Jungle, though she is with a mutant boyfriend who resembles a Godzilla. Yes, Alcohol makes you brave.

Alcohol makes you proclaim your love towards totally inanimate objects like your pillow, to which you have been dying to say those words. In extreme cases it would make you name your pillow something like 'Jane' or 'Amanda' and make love to it...passionately.

Alcohol makes you invisible.This is the reason why we have many 'ass grabbing' at party pics on the internet.It's a known fact that people talk aloud when they are invisible.

Sex change can happen when some people consume alcohol.They would hug and kiss the guy next to him. Some Cry and weep uncontrollably over some issues like Global warming and broken toe nail.If the drinks are strong enough, they would end up going home with one of the bouncers.

Some people become quadrupeds and graze on the floor on all the fours.
You will have the creativity juice flowing inside your profound brain thing. This will make you SMS your best friend about how you feel about 'Copenhagen Summit' and they would suggest you wear a straight jacket while you are intoxicated.

Alcohol gives you enormous strength and fighting abilities. They are not patting each other on the back and they are definitely not gay.They are actually fighting and punching each other.

An alcohol 'hangover' is the only 'hang over' some males have.[Hope you got the awesome drift.]

Teenagers are given alcohol for performing enema, when they swallow batteries which is supposed to be be inside the fire alarm system.

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For anything that has advantage has disadvantages too. No?Alcohol too has some disadvantages .Not much though.

Alcohol makes you pregnant. This is a universal phenomenon. Some opportunists call this the BIG BANG in theory.

Alcohol creates 'Cyclical Redundancy Error'. Its the human version of repeating same things over and over and over again..like you saying "Where is my pants?" over and over and over again

With the advancement in technology, what ever you do after getting intoxicated will be video recorded and hosted on You-tube by 'Jerks' and 'idiots.' of your friend's circle.
*sigh

Will make you forget the question,time, date, day of the week etc.

Make you feel the warmth of 'friendship'. [Some loser has said that.."Friendship is like peeing in pants..blah blah..blah..."]

____________________

After much profound thinking(again), I thought I would give my awesome idea to the think tanks of economics some awesome ideas.

1) Government should supply alcohol at subsided cost on Harthal days to bring more revenue to the state through public distribution system.[Beverage Corporation..that is]

2)People who are alcoholics should wear tshirt with 'INFLAMABLE' written on it.[Blame it on 'Public Saftey'. This sells more than condoms.] Just like charging 'FINE' for not wearing helmets, offenders not wearing TSHIRTS with warning labels should be charged.For a start state police departments can be given T-Shirts for creating awareness among public.

3) People who run their vehicles and run themselves on Spirit should be given tax exemption.
____________________

Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey. -Pappy" Maverick

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.::LUNGI::.

The national bird of Kerala is declared as Mosquito and the national dress is 'Lungi' or 'Mundu'.

This blog post is about the awesome trendy dress called ..'Lungi' or 'Mundu'.Pronounced as 'Lu' as in loo and 'ngi ' as in 'mongey'; lungi can be identified by wonderful floral patterns or patterns like that of window curtain on it.'Mundu',is normally white in color and is worn on special occasions like 'Harthal' days, marriage days etc etc.

Lungi, is simple and 'down to earth' like that of a mallu.[Don't ask!]. Lungi is the only dress that has reached the apex of evolution in it's category.
Wearing something on the top half of your body is optional when you are wearing a lungi. This is the reason why females are not found wearing this awesome dress. [*sigh]
Lungi is a strategic dress. It's like a one size fit all pajama for Keralites.

The technique of wearing a lungi/mundu is passed on from generation to generation through verbal communication. If you think it is an easy task to wear it. you are wrong! It requires lot of techniques, including breathe control. A lungi/mundu when perfectly worn won't come off even if it showed 8 on the richter scale.
A lungi is not attached to the waist using duct tape, staple,rope or velcro. it's a bit of mallu magic whose formula is a closely guarded secret like that of Coca Cola ingrediants.

"Wearing a lungi and managing to keep it up there is tougher than flying a MIG. I can fly a MIG with eyes closed, but not wear a lungi..*sigh:- A retired MIG pilot who doesn't liked to be named.


[Lungi worn at Full Mast]


A lungi can be worn 'FULL MAST' or 'Half Mast'. Like the flags of nation flown at different heights, a lungi can be worn at different heights.
A 'Full Mast' lungi is when you let the gravity do the work and wear it hiding your sexy hairy awesome one of a kind bombastic yoohoowoohooo legs. When you are showing respect to an elderly or someone dead [Too elderly, that is], a lungi/mundu is worn at full mast. Wearing it at full mast has lots of disadvantages, rather than advantages. A major disadvantage can be experienced when the neighbour dog 'Pintu mon' runs after you. When you are wearing a lungi/mundu at full mast, the advantage is mainly for the chicks and the woman folks.


[Lungi Worn at Half Mast]

Wearing a lungi 'Half Mast' is when you wear it exposing your sexy hairy awesome one of a kind bombastic yoohoowoohooo legs and your thighs like that of Shakeela. Lungi is worn such a way to show supremacy and seduce neighbour chicks with your sexy hairy legs. A mallu can play cricket, foot ball or any ball when the lungi is worn in half mast.A mallu can even climb a coconut tree by wearing lungi in half mast.

"It's not a good idea to look up on a mallu when he is on a coconut tree"- Sorcerer

Most mallu's celebrate the traditional dance festival the -"kudiyattam" ("Kudi" means drinking alcohol and yattam,spelled as "aattam" meaning random movement of body.Note that 'y' is silent.When you are drinking , you drink, there is no 'y'.) wearing a lungi. Any alcohol related "festival" can be enjoyed to the maximum when you are dressed in the traditional attire that is topless with lungi and with a towel tied around the head.
"It's easy to dance and shake the legs" says an expert in 'kudiyaattam'.

The 'Lungi Wearing Mallu Union' [LUWMU, pronounced LOVE MU], a union which works towards the 'upliftment' of lungi cult, strongly disagree the younger generation's trend of wearing Burmuda under the lungi. They say that making youngsters wear Burmuda under the lungi is a hidden agenda by the CIA.

"When we were their age, we fought for the freedom of movement, and we protested for it by wearing nothing under our lungi; We have spilled many things for it."- Says a very senior person of LUWMU.
"It's a disgrace to see a person wearing burmuda with corporate logos under his lungi.What they don't know is, how much these corporates are limiting their freedom of movment and expression". He adds.

A malayali wears lungi round the year, all climates, all seasons. It's like a second skin. Unlike 'summer dress','monsoon fashion' etc etc a mallu has one fashion only!Lungi fashion that does not fade or change from season to season.According to the mallu philosophy, the better way to celebrate the winter is by wearing lungi with floral pattern.Good.No?

Lungi provides a good ventilation system round the year. A mallu is scared of global warming more than anyone else in the world.

A lungi/mundi can be worn any time of the day/night. [Some double it as blanket at night.] It also doubles up as swimwear, parachute, facemask, shopping basket,water filter,sleeping bag , a swing.etc etc. When these lungi's are decommissioned from service,they become table cloths..Hmm...The options are endless. There should be a subject in colleges called "Applied Lungionics'.

According to some reports the reason behind the low productivity [Should not be confused with population] in kerala is due to the fact that 80% of the productive working hour is spend for wearing the lungi at half mast. No wonder that wearing lungi/mundu properly is an added career skill.The population figures show that 'productivity' increases when people don't wear lungi/mundu..hence proved.

The first thing a lungi n00b does after waking up from his bed is to search for his lungi.It takes a while before the lungi actually manages to stick to the waist of the person wearing it. The 'lungi/mundu pulling competition' is done in households having many youngsters. Such lungi pulling competition happens during the ONAM and Vishu festival seasons. Most of the time the big time victims of the 'lungi/mundu pulling competition' are n00bs who happens to be from gelf. Their parents, boast about their 'kiddos' not knowing how to wear 'mundu/lungi' [*sigh] and say that this dress is not suited while driving camels.

Its rumoured that few corporate educational centers [which managed to survive in Kerala] are actually planning to start a certification course in 'Lungi Wearing'. These courses are mainly aimed at NRI's. It's estimated that these educational centers will make lots of revenue during the festival season.
It's hard for the younger generation to 'uphold' the tradition on their waist. Soon there would be a compulsory course in Lungi wearing in schools and colleges. The Kerala Government has actually, urged the people to wear traditional clothes on Saturdays, to save the Khadi industry, which actually is a good thing.
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I think a lungi/mundu is the best invention after the invention of fire.
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.::FOR DUMMIES 5::.

I missed updating my 'For Dummies' series for the past one month. I really wanted to help those helpless souls wandering around like a plastic duck in a kiddos bath tub.

"Sorcy's Fables- Simplified for dummies" - 5 naked universal truth.[ Just like those celebrities without underwear]

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In the previous part(s) of the FOR DUMMIES series, we saw how to actually impress the girl you always wanted to impress. Through this blog post we will see, how to make her feel really really special so that the relationship holds up like bubblegum in a blonds hair.

To make a relationship successful, you should really 'care' for the other unfortunate person who is in the relationship with you. That means, you should care for her more than you care for your awesome laptop.[ I know, your laptop keeps your lap warm more than she does!!But anyway..]

Actions speak louder than word.[ I think you are well aware of the power of the middle finger.] Most of the guyz care for their girlfriends more than they care for saving the rain forests or saving the last of great Beluga whales. So inorder to show how much you care, you can call her on her phone after 12 at night and ask her if she is sleeping. Talk to her in the most romantic tone about, global warming and exit strategy of US in Afghan war, etc[ You think this is INSANE? Nope.She would think "WOW!!! my guy cares for the whole world!! She would actually feel like the Michale Obama].

Don't forget to call her atleast 4 or 5 times until you get bored with all the late-night movies and there is nothing much good on FTV or it's morning, whichever comes first.
So if you really care, show that you care for her 24/24.

You must have read every where that relationship is all about 'Sharing and Caring'. Now, if you are having your midnight snack,[BEER cannot be shared], you can wake her up from her deep sleep , tell her that you are having awesome 'Tiger biscuits' and don't feel good cuz you are having it all alone. Do give an audible sigh over the phone. That sigh should hit her arterial walls and echo around with the red blood corpuscles.
Make sure that she also hears the CRUNCHY bites. This is your way of saying.."Baby..I miss you! If you were here we could be crunching together."

[Oh!! you are welcome!! I know I am a genius..Tank you!]

Sharing is a divine thingy. If you both are out in the cold, don't try to warm her up by giving your jacket[ ?.. You wanna end up in the cold?].

Move closer to her, real closer, look her straight into the eyes,move a bit more closer, where the lips almost touch, hmm...perfect..look her into her deep eyes and ask her "Do you like to smoke?".
She would give one of those 'awesome' looks and would push you away [yes.you are right!.playing the hard to catch thingy].
Take it out, I meant the cigarette and offer her one.


Small things are wonderful.[Not according to the latest SPAM Mails]. Remember those small things in life you shared, those wonderful moments and bitch about them and have awesome fight over em. This is the best way to say that you cherish those wonderful memories and it meant a lot for you.

Truth is the key!Always tell the truth. Imagine you were out partying with hot chicks who wouldn't wear things that your girl friend would wear and has paranormal drinking habits. Next day your girlfriend would ask you about you not picking the phone calls the previous night. Most of the guyz would say the lamest excuse that would put a school kid to shame. Don't do that. Tell her that you were out partying with hot chicks and doing what not.
Seriously!! your girl friend wouldn't believe you.She would be like.."Oh!!! I know, you had lots of work at your office..Right?"
Remember, always tell the truth.

Ouch!I know, its the hardest part in a relationship, when your girlfriend says about things again and again and again in between sobs and sniffs...[I forgot the technical term!...It starts with a the letter 'B'.Noo..not those Bs.]. Don't act worse than her Teddy bear and console her like the morons in Yahoo! Chat rooms.Blame the fault on her. Deep inside they like to stand corrected by the person they care for.See, this way you are actually helping her improve and trust me, there is always scope for improvement.

Always bath in different colgnes, beer and cigarettes. There should always be a mystery surrounding you. Her nose would get numb trying to zero in on the muskish smell.This way she will think that you are mysterious. Who doesn't like mystery?

Surprises are what keeps the relationship exciting. Tell her that you would call her at a certain time and don't make that call. See! Simple.Ain't that a fantastic surprise?

Girls love humor. If you were the one who was ignoring all those lame forwarded emails, don't ignore em. Read them and tell her those jokes at those spontaneous moments like, when she is trying to get into an elevator or she is watching her fave show on T.V.

"How do I look?" Do you consider that as a rhetorical question? Not anymore. Tell her that "hmm...It could be a bit more lower/higher" and base it on the theory of relativity. Apart from considering you as 'trendy' she will consider you a e=(mc^2 )*0 genius.

Always check out other chicks wearing 'hot','trendy' designs with eyes wide open , and that kinda goes with mouth too. When your girl friend gives you those 'looks' while you are at it, lecture her on the values of 'Indian' tradition and the generation's 'gap'. Girls like guys who like to 'uphold' traditional values.

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Keep these points in mind to have an awesome relationship.
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