Friday, March 12, 2010

.::FOR DUMMIES 5::.

I missed updating my 'For Dummies' series for the past one month. I really wanted to help those helpless souls wandering around like a plastic duck in a kiddos bath tub.

"Sorcy's Fables- Simplified for dummies" - 5 naked universal truth.[ Just like those celebrities without underwear]

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In the previous part(s) of the FOR DUMMIES series, we saw how to actually impress the girl you always wanted to impress. Through this blog post we will see, how to make her feel really really special so that the relationship holds up like bubblegum in a blonds hair.


To make a relationship successful, you should really 'care' for the other unfortunate person who is in the relationship with you. That means, you should care for her more than you care for your awesome laptop.[ I know, your laptop keeps your lap warm more than she does!!But anyway..]

Actions speak louder than word.[ I think you are well aware of the power of the middle finger.] Most of the guyz care for their girlfriends more than they care for saving the rain forests or saving the last of great Beluga whales. So inorder to show how much you care, you can call her on her phone after 12 at night and ask her if she is sleeping. Talk to her in the most romantic tone about, global warming and exit strategy of US in Afghan war, etc[ You think this is INSANE? Nope.She would think "WOW!!! my guy cares for the whole world!! She would actually feel like the Michale Obama].

Don't forget to call her atleast 4 or 5 times until you get bored with all the late-night movies and there is nothing much good on FTV or it's morning, whichever comes first.
So if you really care, show that you care for her 24/24.

You must have read every where that relationship is all about 'Sharing and Caring'. Now, if you are having your midnight snack,[BEER cannot be shared], you can wake her up from her deep sleep , tell her that you are having awesome 'Tiger biscuits' and don't feel good cuz you are having it all alone. Do give an audible sigh over the phone. That sigh should hit her arterial walls and echo around with the red blood corpuscles.
Make sure that she also hears the CRUNCHY bites. This is your way of saying.."Baby..I miss you! If you were here we could be crunching together."

[Oh!! you are welcome!! I know I am a genius..Tank you!]

Sharing is a divine thingy. If you both are out in the cold, don't try to warm her up by giving your jacket[ ?.. You wanna end up in the cold?].

Move closer to her, real closer, look her straight into the eyes,move a bit more closer, where the lips almost touch, hmm...perfect..look her into her deep eyes and ask her "Do you like to smoke?".
She would give one of those 'awesome' looks and would push you away [yes.you are right!.playing the hard to catch thingy].
Take it out, I meant the cigarette and offer her one.


Small things are wonderful.[Not according to the latest SPAM Mails]. Remember those small things in life you shared, those wonderful moments and bitch about them and have awesome fight over em. This is the best way to say that you cherish those wonderful memories and it meant a lot for you.

Truth is the key!Always tell the truth. Imagine you were out partying with hot chicks who wouldn't wear things that your girl friend would wear and has paranormal drinking habits. Next day your girlfriend would ask you about you not picking the phone calls the previous night. Most of the guyz would say the lamest excuse that would put a school kid to shame. Don't do that. Tell her that you were out partying with hot chicks and doing what not.
Seriously!! your girl friend wouldn't believe you.She would be like.."Oh!!! I know, you had lots of work at your office..Right?"
Remember, always tell the truth.

Ouch!I know, its the hardest part in a relationship, when your girlfriend says about things again and again and again in between sobs and sniffs...[I forgot the technical term!...It starts with a the letter 'B'.Noo..not those Bs.]. Don't act worse than her Teddy bear and console her like the morons in Yahoo! Chat rooms.Blame the fault on her. Deep inside they like to stand corrected by the person they care for.See, this way you are actually helping her improve and trust me, there is always scope for improvement.

Always bath in different colgnes, beer and cigarettes. There should always be a mystery surrounding you. Her nose would get numb trying to zero in on the muskish smell.This way she will think that you are mysterious. Who doesn't like mystery?

Surprises are what keeps the relationship exciting. Tell her that you would call her at a certain time and don't make that call. See! Simple.Ain't that a fantastic surprise?

Girls love humor. If you were the one who was ignoring all those lame forwarded emails, don't ignore em. Read them and tell her those jokes at those spontaneous moments like, when she is trying to get into an elevator or she is watching her fave show on T.V.

"How do I look?" Do you consider that as a rhetorical question? Not anymore. Tell her that "hmm...It could be a bit more lower/higher" and base it on the theory of relativity. Apart from considering you as 'trendy' she will consider you a e=(mc^2 )*0 genius.

Always check out other chicks wearing 'hot','trendy' designs with eyes wide open , and that kinda goes with mouth too. When your girl friend gives you those 'looks' while you are at it, lecture her on the values of 'Indian' tradition and the generation's 'gap'. Girls like guys who like to 'uphold' traditional values.

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Keep these points in mind to have an awesome relationship.
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30 comments:

rohini said...

Oh man....all the points wat a girl likes are so correct..but all for suggestions u r going to get high heeled chappals.....
but truly a hilarious one....

Sorcerer said...

@rohini
hmm..Gyan works better with negation.
Hence proved

Rachna said...

It really is very funny :). God save your girlfriend ;)

chitra said...

Have you tried all this on your girl friend.?

smitzy said...

hahahahahahahahaa another MAST post :D kudos to your imagination dude! I'd really LOVE to have a tete-a-tete with your girlfriend :D she must b sorcy part 2 if she can put up with all this :P

Vamsi said...

@ sorcy,

interesting, as always.

cheers !

buzzzzzzzzz... said...

jeezz.........i need synonyms for ROFL N LMAO ...

HARI NANDAKUMAR said...

awesome>>>>>>>>>>>>>you rocks>>>>>>>>>>>>>

M@ria said...

ha ha ha..awesome...but guys out there pls pls excuse sorcerer and for ur own good use your own tricks!
sorcerer u should add a disclaimer - try out at ur own risk! u never know, soon u would hav guys knocking u off!

~ Lopa said...

hahaha, cool post :oD

Four Dinners said...

You forgot to mention that, if the relationship lasts, after 25 years of marriage never ever -

A) Get home drunk after midnight
B) Get home drunk anytime
C) Buy anything that isn't directly for her.
D) Wrestle naked on the kitchen floor trying to bite into a packet of bacon as you're hungry after coming home drunk at anytime.

Follow these simple rules and she'll open your next beer.

Anonymous said...

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Barbie Jones said...

M@ria,may I add that Sorcerer should be very grateful that guys can't knock him up,we should always be looking at the BRIGHT side of everything instead of the negative,I've come to that conclusion at nearly 56 in a matter of a few weeks,yohoo.

Sorcerer,I get such a kick out of your awesome writing ability and the things you come up with,you are quite creative.

Uncommon Sense said...

MICHELLE OBAMA THING WAS COOL AND ALSO THE ACCORDING TO THE LATEST SPAM MAIL STUFF...

do u keep a journal and write down this stuff when they come to mind.. or u just write it when u are going to post?

Sakshi said...

I have to ask you this- How many of these tricks have you actually tried on your gal?

Sorcerer said...

@sakshi
errr..none..I think its better to give gyan than try it out ourself


@ucommonsense
thanks for the comment
errr..i just draft it when I can..then publish it.when its done.

@barbie Jones
thank you for the comment

@anonymous
thanks for the comment

@Fourdinners
wow! those were cool
I think there should be a post for married people..but only married people can do such post.no?

@lopa
thanks for the comment

!@Maria
thanks...
disclaimer..err..its always assumed as 'understood'.
haha..

@Hari
thanks da


!@Buzzz
errr...hmm..lemme think about that
thanks for the comment

@vamsi
thanks for the comment
long time..no seee


!@smitzy
after all this do you think I have a girl friend?
hahahah..har har har
*sort *snort

hmm...
I think its understood

@chitra
Errr...yeah..as I said..i dont think this post will make you think that I have a girl friend
err..nope..But I observe and this is the ...errr....boiled down facts of my research

@rachna
aye aye...for ze future


@

susie said...

whoa whoa whoa!! isnt this too much for the dummies to handle?? :P


as always, loved the post.. :D

Barbie Jones said...

For all we know Sorce,you might be leading a double life,even be married and with a newborn baby and having a girlfriend on the side,or even divorced but on here you are single to hit on hot chicks or none of the above,but for sure you are Playboy.And you do not want to know what I think of Playboys.

Sorcerer said...

@susie
thanks for the comment

@barbiejones
yeah.Right.. I can be anything.even an alien.please do feel free to form opinions cuz thats the least i care about.and there are those who know me in person,just to clear of some facts.
Some one has said opinions are like ass holes. Every one has one.and it stinks.so i think its better if "opinions" are left alone.
its good that way no?

Saadi said...

So when r u beginning ur own column in Times? :p

Barbie Jones said...

I I sir I hear you loud and clear,but the fact still remains that you are a playboy with a rowing eye or are you going to deny it.

You are right there about smelly behinds,that's why I was thinking of getting me a squirt bottle like I got after childbirth to take home with me, that might take some of the offending stink off.

Sorcerer said...

@sadi
so did you cut short your online visits to just weekends?
Err.times?world peace.

@barbiejones
har har har ..
I think you should be more worried about medical reform bill and taxes than profiling me based on what i post on my blog.

supriya said...

but now your girlfriend must be knowing all these tricks of yours..!! not that clever sorcy.... :P ..!!

Sorcerer said...

@supriya
Yeah Thats why I dont have a gf.
hence proved no?

Barbie Jones said...

Taxes,are you good at doing taxes Soocrer?

I need to confess that I ripped off the idea about the squirt after childbirth that mom's take home bottle, from a fellow blogger.

I can't say as I blame you for not having no gf,you are a smart man,I don't have no boy-friend neither,they are too much work,a lot of waste of time , energy and money to say the least,but worst of all is all the cheating, underhanded sneaking around,jealousy,pain and in the end heartache.

D said...

Duuude... har har and all tht :D

I pity the poor sucker who takes ur post seriously!!!(whaat? it says 'for dummies' a true dummy would think it serious...)

Bubblegum in a blonde's hair huh? :p
Loved the part abt ur laptop warming ur lap....

Sorcerer said...

@barbiejones
thanks for the comment

@D
yeah..true no? about the laptop
thanks for the comment :)

Saadi said...

@ Sorcy

Not really...i've just gotten super-random!!!! MBBS is no piece of cake! :p

Sorcerer said...

@saadi
Okay!1 Doctor..
be on regular rounds..please!!

haha

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