This blog post will help all those fortunate ones to deal with a kid.[ Most of these are tested and tried on neighbor's kid and my own cousin when he was a kid.]
Kid is like a bad sector error on your hard disk. Once born, its there for ever.The worst part, they grow into teenagers, unlike a bad sector error.
Was I not a kid? Well!! The scientists call it dark age and such awesome events are not properly documented.Lucky you!
"They look cute on T.V in those stupid dress."- A college goer on Kid.
Apart from that cuteness which is used to camouflage all the evil they posses, they are mostly good for nothing miniature humans.Many of these miniature humans are born out of sheer ignorance or excitement or power-cuts or days when your cable guy screwed up the E.S.P.N sports broadcast or all the reason taken together, including people getting totally drunk and forgetting about the purpose of life all together.
Medical journals call the symptom of abnormal growth of female tummy as S.T.D to some people's disappointment cuz, its not the usual gas which can go away by eating pudin hara.
How to make a kid
1)Male: 1 No
2)Female(s): According to taste.
3)Invisible Oil : 20 tonnes.
4)Vaseline : 2 Kilo
5)Hand cuffs or Alcohol/wine : Depending on availability.
Apply ingredient 4 on the door knob, lots, whole lots, that will keep any/all kids[Stupid Curious Relative Kiddos], in your home engaged and away while you are inside your kitchen..I mean..bedroom making a kid.
Making the kid is a three stage process. The first stage is called, foreplay.
Here both 1 and 2 ingredients, peel off their dresses. The ingredient 2 wears high heels and the ingredient 1 wears black socks, like in those awesome educational movies. Some ingredients are not confident being completely nude.[Ethical issues..hmm.]
This is where we marinate the chick or the female. Treat the female with alcohol or wine.[yeah!! Alcohol is better for the desired effect!].A dash of lemon is preferred.This adds flavor. Alcohol reduces resistance and also will make you look cute.
Ingredient 1 applies ingredient 3 (Invisible oil) all over the ingredient 2.Make use of your fingers to lavishly apply the invisible oil all over the nook and corners of ingredient 2. If there are more ingredient 2's then you would envy the octopus.[*sigh].
In response ingredient 2 will start to sizzle in the frying pan[Bed], which can be identified by various sounds[Other than in C minor, which is accompanied by pungent smell.Some morons find that cute and saexy too!!]. Most of the time the sound coming from the sizzzling ingredient 2 is like that reminds you of leaking cycle pump.
Follow the instruction on your shampoo bottle while applying invisible oil."Apply directly over wet hair and work into creamy lather. Leave on for a few minutes, Rinse,Repeat as needed, For best result use regularly.
Ingredient 2(s) will turn a deep lemon green color, when sizzled for quiet a long time.This is the right time for stage 2.
Second Stage is called "Stupidity"
This is the stage where you take your mobile phone and dial 1800-S.T.O.R.K. You will be put through a series of switching stations. Finally, when your call is answered, you can order a kid, which will be delivered at your door step, by Mr.Stork. Please note that, there is no customized kids. All kids are manufactured in the same assembly line and scientists say, you can customize the kids according to your taste when it is delivered to you.
It is better if you are calling this number before 10:00 PM. Mostly the 1800-S.T.O.R.K line gets busy after 10:00 PM.[Apparently!!]. These calls are not Toll Free.
Third Stage is called "Aftermath".
This is when all the math of the ingredient 2 goes wrong.Ingredient 1 can smoke a cigarette to reduce the bad taste in the mouth or watch sports on T.V or have a beer till Mr.Stork delivers the baby package at your door step.
A master chef, Mr.Vathsyana has written a wonderful recipe book about making babies.It must be available in all leading book stalls on the top shelf.
Kids don't have any economic importance other than adding to the population statistics and scaring the shit out of various ministries that deal with agriculture.Kids are those things that get between your legs, when you are doubling the way to the loo or the one who claim your couch, remote control and give you a high decibel shreek when you snatch the remote control or try to kick them off the couch.
How can you identify a home having kids?
Well not all homes put out the warning sign out side the gate "Beware of kids.". A home having a hyperactive kid can be found by 'broken window', various prehistoric drawing of "moma, popa and kiddo" on the walls of the cave[Read:Home]. Various amputated body parts of toys can be found spread around the walk way or outside the home. The pets in their home wont look natural. Dalmatian dog can be found spotting red/orange/green spots made out of crayons or sketch pens. Cat would be seen with a plated tail or a knot on the tail. Ring the bell and if you are really lucky, the so called 'kid' would be opening the door to welcome you with the evil smile wearing nothing more than an underwear.
You can see the feathers of Mr.Stork in the garden or a stripped Mr.Stork hiding behind the bushes.
I rest the case on their curiosity.
You would simply slip and fall, in a pool of luke warm water, down the stairs or slip and fall in the dining hall etc. Don't get surprised, they are just marking their territory. It's a prehistoric instinct.
They don't have a particular behavior. They suffer from personality disorder.Some even show dual personality at the same time. Such can be observed when they play with their stupid dumb toys and barbie dolls.
At one time they want to be a cow boy, next hour they want to be the fire man, or a footballer, most of the time they want to get spanked big time.The most predictable behavior pattern is, when they are seen concentrating at a imaginary octagon at the horizon, be sure that the room will be filled with a pungent smell sooner or later.Such case, you can excuse yourself, and go get some fresh air till the kiddos owner comes and change the garbage bag. [Read:Diaper].
The awesome writer, thinks, skunks and kids show the same behavior when threatened. If a kid peed on you or in extreme cases, pooped on you when you are holding the tiny lil cute thingy!! understand this...this is their way of saying "You have a B.O [Body Odor]. Get away from me."
Kids also can spit.Some stupid kids behave like Llama.They spit when they are excited, and the stupid kid thinks that is funny! They grab at everything and are not restricted under any laws. [*sigh]
They acquire amazing knowledge on ACME products by watching Cartoon Network and Pogo[Stupid Pokemon].
Taking care of kids:
Kids are scavengers, they know to take care of themselves. Kids feed on nutritious substances like, food crumbs on dining table, under or over it. They do not have such complexes. They eat anything and everything.A kid can be seen scavenging all around the home, tasting almost everything.They use their cute opposable thumbs to fish out crumbs of biscuits from the crack of couch and nourish themselves with awesome nutrients.
A kid can also be fed red bull energy drink to make them taller sharper stronger.
Use of kids:
- A kid can be used as an alarm that goes on at completely wrong time.
- A kid can be used as a dumbbell.
- A kid can clean your floors.
- A kid can sniff out old socks and things from under the table or from the dark corners in your room.
- A kid is stupid, that adds to the entertainment factor when you are looking at the kid through a binocular.
- If there is a kid in your home,you can have illicit relation with barely legal baby sitter.
- A kid can be used as a hub for 'social' networking with neighbor chicks.
- A kid can be a nice conversation starter.."Haha..look at that dumb kid..."
Saving your dear life:
If you ever come across a kid, do not..I repeat..do not cross the path. Do not maintain eye contact. Eye contact makes you inferior in front of the kid. Always maintain a low profile in front of the kid. Just try and mingle with the crowd.Always keep something on your lap, empty lap attracts kids, soon your lap will become a roller coaster ride for the entire family of kids.
If you see a kid with a stone in hand, don't second guess RUN!!!! Kids have exceptionally good hand eye coordination and thus good aim.
Never ask a kid to sing or recite a rhyme. They kinda get shy at first[Yeah! like certain spiders trying to lure the pray], but soon you will ask for mercy and would be in the verge of tears for them to stop singing/reciting stupid poems again and again and again and again.
Never fight with a kid. If you are a male, your vital components are exposed royally for a 'head butt' from the kid. Remember kids have extra thick skull.
Lollipop is a good collateral to get your car key/mobile phone etc back from a kid. When they say "I am gonna throw it" Stupid kid means it. [*sigh]
Never wrestle with a kid and a pig.
Never argue with a kid, they are good with math and knows everything about the world around them.
Children love stories and you don't know any.Talk about Newton's laws of physics and things, when they ask you for bed time story.They are supposed to leave you alone.
Never come in between a kid and ice-cream truck/last slice/piece of anything sweet.
Never volunteer to repair a broken toy.[*sigh]
If you love kids, feed them vegetables. They simply love it.
Read another blog post on Girl Kid.