Monday, April 5, 2010


Sorcerer: Hey!! Long time , no see..

SAM:Bloody *&)(#*&$(#&$& Exams.

Sorcerer:So, you relocated from Internet to the Real World?

SAM:Hey gotta go dude,Got to study something.


Exam time and that explains the gloom I find on the faces of many students these days.At first I thought its cuz the Cheerleaders of IPL[Indian Premier League] is not as 'cheering' as the first season and these students expected a bit too much 'out' of them.

Examination or the art of bluffing, in layman's terms is the way by which the universities take census of students attending a semester.[Not a very efficient method though.] Examination is that time in a students life where he or she has to innovate ingenious methods to answer questions, that will never come across during their life time of living. Most universities show a downward trend in 'performance' of the students because, these universities never appreciate originality in the answer papers.

Through this blog post we will see how to prepare efficiently to face the examination with confidence.

Prepare your environment.

Preparation is the key. First of all, we have to convince yourself that, you are going to clear the exam.It's easy. The toughest part is to convince the 'certain other parties' [Read Parents also called Banks]at your home that you are going to pass the exam.For many, this is the hardest part of the examination. Lets have a 3 step approach to solve this 'examination' put forth by the 'certain other parties.'

1)Have a constipated grimace on the face. [Constipated grimace is one method to solve all the world's problem].This prevents anyone from reading your face.This look is kinda like the corrupt CD. We know there is something in it, but it is hard to read. Never pick fight with younger siblings at the home.They can snitch on you when you are 'supposed to be studying'. Gobble up the 'healthy green leafy' vegetables which is added to your diet to better your concentration.This throws suspicion off the parents.Now they will believe that you are indeed equipped to suck every bit of knowledge out of the porn,book.

2) "An Idle hand is a devils workshop"-Sorcerer

Make your room messy. Scatter all the books around.Take a bunch of A4 sheets of paper from the printer.Write some equations on it and scatter it all around the room.
Keep a few books open on the table. Pens, pencils,erasers etc adds to the effect.Make sure that any person who enters your room, should get the thickest books in their view which is kept open. There should be books everywhere, on the table, on the bed, etc etc.
Scientific Calculator is a good investment which is like a parked Ferrari on your study table.This adds to your reputation.

Ps:Turn a few pages forward of that thick book which you have kept open, while you are moving out of the room.

3)Keep those movie CD's, magazines etc out of (visual)range by predators.[Read:Parents and snitchers].

These 3 step process will keep you away from the 'certain other parties.' during the exam time.

Plan your time

You should have a realistic schedule to watch all those movies you missed during the week.This is the right time to catch up with the movies, cuz you are sure to get tickets for the movies as most of those 'unrealistic' people will be studying. Have enough time to revise all those movies which are downloaded and shamelessly stored on your hard disk.Remember a relaxed mind can gobble up lots of information like a kid looting a candy shop. Examination is all about relaxing your mind to make it more efficient. Experts say that, it is not really healthy to relax all the time.Take a break every 30 minutes or so. Take a power nap for 2 hours after watching movie for 30 minutes.This way you wont stress yourself unnecessarily.

Don't be unrealistic

You know what you are.From the past performances, you would be quiet confident about bluffing the 'stupid' examiner.Hold on to that thought.You are a survivor, you can do much better than the previous time.Do your best to write in very small chits of paper in the tiniest handwriting possible.Improvise on it.

Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll (but especially drugs)

Cutting down on your daily dose of 'awesome vitamins and minerals' will, eventually lead to drowsiness and f[beep] up your health. Sex is known to increase concentration. So have lots of it with the pillow named 'Claudia' or your Stuffed Kangaroo named 'Fred'.

Alcohol is known to free up memory space inside the brain.It has magical properties. It clears the much needed Cache by clearing unwanted things like exams that is bothering your mind.Attend all the weekend parties, birthday parties, parties. This is where you can meet your classmates and exchange information or strategically plan your combined studies.

Revise Methodically
Revise all the movies you have seen and not seen methodically. Putting them in separate folders will help too. If you are reading comic books, make your room sound proof.You are not Einstein or Edison to laugh out loud at math equations.
If you have a girl friend named 'Paula', darken every character of that name in every sentence in your text book.Every 'O', 'S' ,you see in the text book should remind you of her.This is how you can get attached with your girl friend textbook.

To revise your text book, keep the book open on your lap, plug those ipod in your ears, and dream about the HOT teacher or the Hot class mate.This is an excellent method to revise.

Test Yourself.
Wickid!! Open the folder, look at the name of the movie like 'AVSEQ01.DAT', try and guess which movie is it. If you got it right.Wow!! You are almost reaching the apex of success.
If you want to test how much you have learned from text book, get your younger brother or sister to test you on your notes.Point and laugh at them when they cant pronounce " cummingtonite".[There actually is a substance called Cummingtonite] Its great entertainment.No?

Stick Notes around your house.
Stick important equations like "36 26 38" in places where you'll often see them. If you have a hot date, write that important date, time and location on a stick it note and place it near the mirror.This way , these awesome information will automatically sink into your brain like the Titanic in the Atlantic.Whenever you see that stick it note, you will feel refreshed and get a feeling of purpose in your life.

Hangout with your friends.
Always hangout with your friends.This way you will be constantly keeping in touch and exchanging information on the latest movies in the multiplexes. Ignore those friends who are always with the books as they can give you the creeps.Never use friends as benchmark for how much you have learned.Talents differ,some may have efficient eyesight, some can read answer paper of the person sitting in front of you even though its upside down.
"Remember examination is like a hot chick in the shopping mall, every man for himself."-Sorcerer

Combined Study.
Combined study is just an extension of a rave party,only that you tear pages from your textbook to make a joint.Combined study is hosted by the person at some lucky classmate's home whose parents are away at some relatives marriage function. If the host have a younger sibling at the home, he can be duct taped and stored in the trunk of a premium car.

For combined study, you need lots of movie CDs.Drinks to rehydrate yourself. [Beer is a natural coolant.]. Pirated game CDs is a must. You can also invite 'Brainy' girls to give you a 'hand' in your studies.Some books will add touch to the overall atmosphere and can be useful to swat flies or tray to hold beer bottles.[Record Books with thick cover is an excellent tray]

You can start the combined study, by asking "ARE YOU READDDDYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy"", then you can switch on the T.V, music System, gaming consoles, and all the media related electronic equipments in your home.

Then paaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrtttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!

Anyone who says 'Examination' or 'Mark' or 'What we gonna do' should be dealt with more beer; as you all know that examination is nothing to be worried about.Remember, "In Russia..examination worries you", since you are not a Russian, you ain't gotta worry mate.

Ask for help
Never hesitate to ask for help,if you are not able to warez certain movies.[UP anybody?]. If you are tensed and worried about the exam, ask for help from your fave bartender for extra strong stuff. Google is a wonderful thing to solve all your worries.Get it off your chest and type it in the Search Box; that's all you need to do when you are starting to get worried.There is nothing a poster of Monica Belluci can't cure.
Remember, you are not alone on this, there are approximately x^n no of persons going through the same state of mind.

Have a fall back plan.
Many of you would want to study at Harvard or become CEO of some MNC's or secure employment at lucrative place like a fast food restaurant,a Supermarket or gas filling station.
Don't pressure yourself thinking about all these endless possibilities which is like the recession-Endless. You should always have a Plan B. [Americans lovingly call it Exit Strategy.].
Always opt for a career that matches your passion like a pimp or drug dealer or a molester.[Molester is an career path with many branches to specialize!].

Let's say you have a natural ability to convince people. You can build a very good career out of extortion and then later become a well respected politician.Later you can retire from your 'successful' career life with state pension. The police will give you gun salute when they bury you. They would even name road, where you raped your first victim,to honor you.

For those who are still confused about the career path, wait till you finish the university or get into one.Soon your life will be clear in front of you, as clear as vodka.

Get some Exercise.
Don't simply sit and grow spare tyre around your belly.

[This is what happens when you do lots of combined studies with out exercise.]

Get out, stalk that hot chick who comes to the nearby park and get some quality exercise. If you think that, exercise will stretch your lung muscles, you can send text messages to all the people in your phone book.Sending text message can give exercise to both your hands,unlike certain exercises,like...err...clicking with the mouse.Only a healthy body can park a healthy mind.


These are the methods to prepare yourself for the examination and a great career ahead.

TIP: If you are in one of those South Indian Universities, where you are graded by the thickness of your answer sheets then while you are answering questions, make sure that you write the story of the latest 'super hit' movie as the answer. This will enlighten the person who correct your answer sheet. Who wouldn't like to read an entertaining story.
Explaining in detail the 'intimate' scenes in the movie would fetch you brownie points.

Good luck! You will need it.


Sakshi said...

SORCY- What the hell was that? A guide to pass exams or a bollywood/hollywood/tollywood quiz contest?
OMFG...!!! Is that how you passed your exams...!!! This is hilarious.. just wondering where do you come up with stuff like this?

Sorcerer said...

hmm..good tips no?

rohini said...

do u hav an imported brain? if yes, then frm where have u imported,, how and for how much??? plz mail me the details....with regards....

rohini said...

do u hav an imported brain? if yes, then frm where have u imported,, how and for how much??? plz mail me the details....with regards....

DiDo said...

god...!!! why dint i find u wen i was in school or college.. shitt i wud hav passed all my exams with these tips...!!

but hey i'l note them down and pass it on to my cousins.. :D

DiDo said...

but hey i always did combined study the way u mentioned them..guess day paper was superbb all the time :P

sulagna ™ said...

why do i like the sentence "an empty hand is a devils workshop" eh?? :) :)

and oh you are one in a million so add the one tenth of m,y million by being the 100th follower..send me your address..i will send something over..or wait..i'll come over maybe !!!

Sorcerer said...

I knew it..I knew it.I would be gifted with awesomeness for being the 100th follower.
hahahahahah..thank you
Thank you
*i zink I got it right this time


yeah..please do pass it on to all you know.

chitra said...

I back after a break, and what a post to start with, Nice advice you provide for youngsters?.

I am yet to become very active in the blogosphere. see you.

Julia Smith said...

'Many of you would want to study at Harvard or become CEO of some MNC's or secure employment at lucrative place like a fast food restaurant,a Supermarket or gas filling station.'

LOL! Good to keep your options open. My exam days are well behind me, but your post brought back many good memories. And by good I mean post traumatic stress disorder.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the good luck!! :~)
Probably will not follow any of your advices lol :~P
But stress buster your posts always are...

Chanz said...

OMG.... This is crazy... trust me, I have never read anything crazier than this... God, you have a sharp brain...

Sorcerer said...

thanks for the comment
Sharp brain?
*sigh.I hope my teachers read this comment

thank you. for the comment
Dont follow the awesome advices..follow the ones the 'so called experts' advice.

@julia Smith
thanks for the visit and the comment

@Rohini think I have brain
Thank you


Readers Dais said...

hey! sorcy!

wow! this is awesome yaar, enjuyed everybit,
we are not einstein to laugh at equations, but to laugh reading this.....all will, :)

siji said...

hehe....lmao! exams startin 2 sound fun!lolz:D

Sorcerer said...

you should follow these rules.okay/

@raders dias
thanks you..thank yo u!!

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