Friday, April 23, 2010

.::DRIVING::.


Driving is just not an art, its martial arts- Sorcerer on driving
.

..
..

Client: I would like to try Indian food.

Sorcerer:Err.Okay!We would try that, restaurant just across the street.That place is kinda good.

Client:Okay.Do you mean we need to cross the road?

Sorcerer:Yeah

Conscious:Dude!! She fears our roads more than the Indian Curry.

Sorcerer:Hmm.I noticed that.

Client:Where do we cross?

Sorcerer:Right here.We just walk across the road.

Client:o....k...aaa..yy.

We wait for 2 minutes,almost exact time it takes Maggi Noodles to cook in a bachelor's kitchen.I think my client took this time to say her prayers while I was calculating the speed factors and our flight plan across the road.

Sorcerer:So, Let's walk across.

client.oooo...kkk..aaayy.

Sorcerer:Let's move.


In a flash, we were across the road.My client appeared a bit more paler than before without the whitening essence. Good .No?

Client: You people are so confident.

I was confused whether its a complement or an insult.Either way, I was sure that crossing the road scared the melanin out of her.

Sorcerer:Hmm..

Conscious: Mallu de sher! you made our country proud.*sniff *sniff
____________________

Driving around the world is an art form. When it comes to certain countries, it takes the form of martial arts. Driving on Indian roads would have been better if we were mutants with 4 pair of each sensory organ.

A Driver

A driver is a person who has a vehicle strapped on his arse.To be classified as a driver you should be able to

1)Make phone call.
2)Check email on your laptop.
3)Drink coffee/Beer.
4)Smoke cigarette/pot.
5)Change CD on the player.
6)'Reassure' your girl friend sitting near you that you love her more than the beer you are drinking, by taking more sips from her lips than from the beer bottle.
7)Watch movie on your new LCD display in your car.
8)Read news paper.

do all these and drive and *reach the destination.A good driver can do all the above things simultaneously.

Rules on the Roads

1)State transport buses can be identified by its perfect rectangular body or a body that resembles a "mouse trap".[And you said, Govt has no humor]
The buses would look dented, amputated and would come screaming in your direction with chirping sound[Irony! I know] cuz of non greased parts.

Remember, K.S.R.T.C or Interstate bus drivers are always right, meaning, they are always on the right side of the road.Don't honk in vain to get their attention while one is coming at you, cuz they would hit you even before your honks reach the bus driver. In essence they manage to travel at twice the speed of sound.


State Transport buses rulez. They actually rwak. They will , they will rwak ya. So better stay a mile away from them. If you see one coming in your direction, confess all your sins to God and sit in brace position.
If you are behind them, stay a mile away from them, if you don't want to get hit by falling debris, that include human beings.
Trust your instincts than the tail lights of the bus, if you don't want to be a lingerie on an interstate transport.

2)Pass lights can be used to say Hello, or Hi baby!. It's a mode of communication between the drivers. It could mean anything or nothing at all. It could also mean I_am_so_bored_let_me_play_with_the_buttons.

Mathematically, the number of times someone blinks a pass light at you is the number of seconds you have left to live get out of the road. If the pass light is followed by the honking sound, that means the oncoming driver has run out of options and his only option is YOU.

3)Changing Lanes is an integral part of driving if you are bored sitting behind the wheels doing nothing going in a straight line or the bozo in front of you is driving enjoying the scenic beauty .When changing lanes, don't turn on the indicator. Remember, driving is like packing vegetables in your shopping bag, trying to use every bit of empty space. When you turn on the indicator, you are actually giving away your intention and there would be people wearing 'smart pants' who will either barge in or won't let you pass.

4)Safe distance are like safe periods, you can always get it wrong, if you are not careful. It's not advisable to leave safe distance, because some 'moron' who could balance a triangle on 3 wheels [Also called Autorikshaw] can barge in between you and the vehicle in front of you, just like that lil brother of your girl friend who would come and sit between you and your girl friend when you are sitting on a park bench coochi coocheeing.

5)Is that an UFO or Is that a Elvis Presley on wheels?...NOOO!! Its a bling bling Autorikshaw. This vehicle is based on the structure of a pyramid in horizontal model.It's the most used mass public-private transport on Indian roads.They come with all the in-house entertainment. Music, FM radio etc and a ride that would resemble a drive through the Monte Carlo F1 circuit.After the ride, the driver will charge you entertainment tax apart from the usual meter charge.

When you see one of this bling bling thing on the road slow down, keep both your eyes on the autorikshaw in front of you.Keep your leg poised over the break, one hand over the hand-break, take a deep breathe and slowly, very slowly overtake it or let the phenomenon pass.

As I had said in one of my previous posts, these auto drivers are direct decedents of Houdini and they could surprise you by disappearing from one side of the road and appearing just in front of you.

6)Cops are the guys who ruin you doing the 69 on the road when you are supposed to be doing 11. The best thing to do is to out run them.There is 99.9% chance that they wont be able to catch up with you on those outdated, fuel guzzling, badly maintained cop vehicles which could go into asthmatic seizure if they floor the gas pedal.
If you are caught, they would always ask you for 'important paper.' In such case, don't argue. An important paper is one that is printed beautifully by the Reserve Bank Of India and which is having 100 or 500 written on it.
Once you produce the 'Important' paper, you are free to squish anyone on the road, even if you are an underaged 12 year old kid driving a high end bike.

Tip:Always throttle up when you see a cop with a speed gun.Watch the awesomeness on his face, cuz either the damn speed gun ain't working or he is not able to read the 3 digit figure.

7)When you are driving at night, always put your headlights on high beam. This will remind the oncoming vehicle to put his headlight on high beam too. Getting hit with high beam from a Xenon lamp can also make you see stars and sometimes the milky way galaxy.
If you see a single headlight coming in your direction, don't misjudge it as an autorikshaw or a bike.It could be a truck driver with a bad sense of humor.If you get too curious and get too close you could attain the flight velocity and trajectory of a golf ball.

8)Potholes on the roads are to test your reflexes. It works on the theory of Implied odds.
" If you manage to clear a pothole you would end up in an odd number of potholes."

It comes under the science of pothole dynamics, a branch specializing in filling potholes with taxpayers money.
These potholes store water during the rainy season and replenish the underground water table. Its advisable to equip your vehicle with scuba gear during the rainy seasons when the roads assume the dynamics of a water canal.

9)Honk
whenever you get a chance.If you are caught in a traffic signal, try and honk to see if your car or vehicle could grow wings and fly across. Honk to grab attention of the chick walking on the footpath. Honk the moment the signal is about to turn green, just like verbal assault of a porn star moments before attaining nirvana.
Honk whenever, wherever whatever such is the three evers of honking.
____________________

Fun Facts

1)When you see a bozo on the zebra crossing, speedup and make him step back.

2)Just like the horn, middle finger says it all.

3) Over take through the left, its more safe as you won't be hit by an oncoming vehicle.

4)If any vehicle over takes you blaring horn, assume that its an invitation for a race; then, press on the gas.

5)With your driving skill, make sure that the GOD on the dashboard prays to the higher God(s).

__________________________+

27 comments:

P. Venugopal said...

hats off!!!

DiDo said...

Mallu de sher... U r justt toooo good :) ... loved ur fun facts .. expecially about the horn :D and GOd

Lincoln said...

sum interesting facts there...

there is one more aspect of it -

Animals ( especially pigs )on indian roads are like hot girls on road, u should freeze and just stare till it moves away. If you act smart , u will fall for sure :)

Sorcerer said...

@linclon
PIGS? on roads.never came across except those 2 legged ones.

@dido
thank you for the comment

@P.Venugopal
Thank you sir for the comment

subu.ps said...

Print this manual and issue with the driving license. Oops I forgot that most people who drive don't know what this DL means.
Oflate I have started enjoying people honking from back while waiting for traffic signal and I really miss this when someone does not do this.

Sorcerer said...

@subu.p.s
yeah..it kinda feels not okay when y ou dont get the daily dose of honking.
haha
:)
and about DL its very right.
why need DL and go through the process of torture from RTO.

санжог said...

I think we are better drivers than any one in this world coz we got to drive with instincts.We even break less to save fuel thats why we have horns!! and yes we are horny!!

Sorcy you are an inspiration.

tristarfivestar said...

looks like drivers in india have to depend more on their instincts than the rules or the indicators!!!
the cop vehicle is the funniest because its true its amazing that hose old jeeps still work!

Sam said...

Oye buddy, u r really a cartoonist at heart... I like the autorikshaw part the most

buzzzzzzzzz... said...

hehehehe....!!! do u take classes for LUAO writing???

shilpahak said...

hehehe ...that autorickshaw part had me in splits

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

heee heee heee

P. Venugopal said...

heee heee heee
went into another spasm rereading this morning.
this is what i told you about wodehouse.
heee heee heee

Sorcerer said...

@P.Venugopal
Thank you sir, Thank you so much for the comment and the visit.

@Deepa
thank you for the visit and the comment


@Shilpahak
Yeah!! Its not just an autorikshaw..Its a phenomenon

@Buzz
Err...haha..That was funny.
Not really. I think I missed a few in the DNA sequence

@SAM
thanks buddy for the comment

@Tristarfivestar
Long time no see buddy!
Nice to see you back anyway.
Thanks for the comment and you are right.
I hope. they soon phase out those vintage vehicles

@Sanju
Hey!! where you been ?
Thanks for the comment..
:)

Sankoobaba said...

fucking perfect..

always wanted to write such a list myself..

esp. the overtakin/pass light.honking part etc..

damn good and real!!

yeah even here in maharashtra ..state buses are same..rickety monsters...

and now these chinese AC buses are new monsters.. on mumbai roads...
and yeah the rickshaws are always pain..and usually get lots of gaali from me...

good one!

Sorcerer said...

@sankoobaba.
thank you buddy for the comment

Readers Dais said...

Ha! Ha! sorcy....gr8 again!
ufo's splendid....

Sorcerer said...

@readers dias
thank you buddy!

Uncommon Sense said...

hilarious, esp the rickshaw things

Sorcerer said...

@uncommonsense
thank you
where you been buddy?

SindhuBhairavi said...

i totally agree with the very first sentence!! driving especially in kerala!! :)

a driver according to the points u've mentioned will reach his destination faaaaaaast!! he will be in heaven/hell in no time !!

state transport bus description adipoli ketto!! :)confessing and everything!!

:) ellam nannayirikkunnu..

Saurabh Panshikar said...

I try and test the pothole theory everyday!

@Post
Ze sorcerer will lead us to population control!

Sorcerer said...

@Sindhu Bhairavi
Thanks for the comment

@Sau
hahaha..good no..tests your reflexes

Yemiledu said...

Absolutely hilarious!!!
Keep writing!!!!

Sorcerer said...

@Yemiledu
thanks for the comment

Anonymous said...

SImply 2 good.....
One interesting fact I want 2 share, those who are familiar with truck drivers will know. 8 out of 10 truck (Lorry)drivers get drunk when they drive. They sImply cant drive without getting drunk.
I wish I can write like you So.... but I guess anybody just cant be everybody .

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