Monday, April 19, 2010

.::JOURNALIST::.


The rule of the game is not to take this blog-post personal.

Pen is mightier than sword; but a sword never runs out of ink- Sorcerer on Pen and ink.
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This post is categorized under the "Sorcy's HOW TO" Series of blog posts. This is where we discuss in detail about 'How to ' be just someone in life.

This Blog article is for those who want to commercialize themselves by producing mass information for the media, by deep and profound nonsensing of the gray matter

"The Journalist!! They are always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off. " - King Julian on Journalists
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Journalist

They are humans with special skills, they can foresee the future and they keep you updated with whats happening around you, giving you panic attacks. They update you with very latest information on pets of celebrities.[That include under aged kids married to female celebrities who are past their expiry dates.] and their sexual orientation towards a mail box or a parked car.A journalist knows to 'feed' the public with O.R.S [ Oral Rehydration Solution] to keep the lowly mortal's tummies from revolting against them.

Journalists, control the media, your tummy and your libido. They are the one who makes you buy, porn magazines in bulk, tissue papers in packs by scaring you with the stories of mad wabbit scientists conducting experiments deep down under the earth , in a tunnel with ACME accessories and the world_is_going_to_end stories.

Statistical reports shows that world has already killed ended 'n' number of times by the media and NASA Hollywood.

Being a Journalist:

It's a skill you are born with to be a journalist. To be a journalist, you need to be very curious about what is happening around you.You can put your peeping habit to make a good career out of it.[YEAH!!! Still be legal!! Offer valid!]
A degree in Voyeurism, English, or cummunications is beneficial for those wishing to pursue a career in voyeurism journalism.
Were you convicted of putting cam inside public toilet? Put that in your resume as experience with photocopies of your court case and you are on your way to become an awesome journalist.

Know about the 5 W's and 1 H

1)WTF?
2)WTF?
3)WTF?
4)WTF?
5)WTF?

1)HTF?

Choose Your Lane

Journalism is as diverse as Finch birds in Galapagos islands. Many streams of journalism has evolved and adapted to various journalists world wide.

1)News paper Reporter

Apart from using news paper as stuffing for breakable items, when you pack it and wipe the floor when your toddler poops , news paper is also used for reading. Do you know that these news are actually brought by humans? They are called news paper reporters.

These reporters are way down the food chain and they hunt in packs. They form a pattern before hunting, usually a tight C pattern around the victim, who happens to be a politician, a serial rapist.[Can also mean a rapist from serials], or Twilitician.[A politician who twits]. This is the easiest job to do, as you can simply walk around the street, take some snaps and make up stories with your vivid imagination. Keep your ears open for news about rapes, suicide, elopes etc.Always keep the mindset of the mass public in mind, they are dying to hear such news about someone else's plight.


2)Investigative Reporter

Investigative reporters are carnivores in this segment. They are usually 'employed ' based on their voyeuristic skills. Investigative journalism entails getting to the bottom of stories skirts and make it a scandal.As the name suggests, its all about investigating the personal life of celebrities and famous people. According to the rules, any person who is famous should never have a personal life. An investigative reporters job is to poke the nose at the real stinky place and bring out everything happening in someone else's life. The investigative reporter himself would be a drug addict and must be having a battery of rape cases, including assaulting a telephone pole ,romantically with hard object, but an investigative reporter should always, drag such news about others into the public.
People have the right to know..No?

3)Foreign Correspondents

If you are a foreign correspondent, stay clear of China, Russia and certain other countries who would mix you with pet food if you report too much good stuff about the ruling Government.

To be a foreign correspondent , you should have
1)running shoes

To be a foreign correspondent in a war ridden state, you should have

1)Running shoes
2)Name Tag

Foreign correspondents are asked to spy for another country
report news on Government, socio-religious and political situations of a foreign country.
Being a foreign correspondent is a dangerous job.[Imagine trying out dishes with funny names in a foreign land.]

If you are married and wishes to stay away from hostile "situation" back at home and wish to travel extensively for extended period of time away from your loving wifey!, you can be a foreign correspondent.

"Clearing landmine is easier than washing clothes back at home"- A foreign correspondent

4)Broadcast Journalist

Broadcast journalists are the ones who you actually, see, hear and at times feel. They come to you LIVE from the scene. They will tell you what went wrong, only after a commercial break.To be a broadcast journalist, you should have a pleasing voice that could put terror in viewers and you should be HOT with larger brains.Putting on fake accent is a bonus point.

5)Sports Journalist
Sports journalist reports on sporting events such as golfing skills of TIGER WOOD with Rachel Uchitel, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton etc. Sports journalists specialize in events such as 'Shoe Throwing' competition which is the official sport of the journalists.


Be a Good Journalist:
There are journalists and there are "Awesome Journalists". An awesome journalist always make the people think WTF?

To be an awesome journalist


1)Ask relevant questions

If you are reporting a bomb blast or some tragic event, always have that constipated grimace on your face and ask awesome questions when people are dying and the whole city is in chaos.
Eg:

Reporter to CEO of a Company: Madam, we had series of bomb blasts in Bangalore and many are seriously injured.Do you think that with such incidents,we would have foreign investments coming in to Bangalore?

Sensible_CEO:I don't think this is the right time to talk about investments.The whole city is in big trouble and taking stock of the situation.

Reporter:Thank you madam.


Never say "sorry". Remember, you are always right.

So , from the above case study,you can see that asking very relevant question is the key to be an 'assome' reporter. Whenever you are reporting any disastrous case, never loose your sense of humor. Always have that edge in your awesome analytical intelligent journalistic skills to give the viewer a very good sarcastic laugh.There is not much fun than being a total assomnmess [middle M is silent]and broadcasting yourself globally.


2)Be Sensitive towards the society and its needs.

Always ask for peoples reaction, this helps in a propaganda to gain momentum in the society. No matter what the people say, always report only the things that could fuel the propaganda. Good .No?
As I said, you should show that you really really care,.

Example:
Let me take to the scene of an accident, where a bus fell into the river.

Reporter:Today afternoon we had a serious accident, here at this spot as a fully packed bus lost control and fell into the river.We got a few survivors.

Surrounds the survivor, who is in bad shape, wanting to go home and rest; with camera and Microphone and stuffs.

Reporter:How did the accident happen?
The survivor is a 42 year old lady, who is so glad that she got her life back from the depths.

Survivor:Don't know.It happened all of a sudden.

Reporter:How many people were in the bus?

Survivor:I don't know.

Though they are in complete shock and unable to talk, keep on asking them the same question like Windows Operating system asking you to update your firewall and things.
Pop out that lil kid in you who pesters his mother for the candy. Doesn't that saying "Never loose that child in you" gets a new meaning here?

3)Rely on your instincts

If you become a journalist, you get chance to report stuffs like space launches. You should never do research on anything before you start blabbering
giving awesomeness on your microphone. Research is for pansies.Let the instincts and nincompoopness be your guiding stars.

Eg:A Space launch

You should tell the viewers that its a HUGE rocket.Never give dimensions.Huge is internet standard for 9 inch + just like pie, so everyone should understand the HUGE part. Use your hand gesture to specify the HUGE part, even more appealing.

If its a rocket and is pointed skywards, it should carry, telecommunication satellite and an educational satellite.[Which is the Default setting of Indian Satellites]. Meaning, never have a clue about the actual payload and technicalities.Then fill in the rest of your embarrassment by talking about how the educational satellite can rapidly change the changing scenario of Indian Education.
*sigh

Have the Right Stuff
Nooo..Not really, You can make it up as you go along, just like this blogger. Always speculate on events that can happen. Always rely on blogs,Google, face book status messages and Twitter tweets as 'facts'.
You can always verify the facts with fellow twitters and your face book friends.

You can never be successful if you don't have news. What good is a news reporter without a news, its as good as bra without hooks.No?
For getting ground breaking news, follow celebrities,politicians etc on their twitter and face book accounts.
You should be able to use your creative skills to bring out 'SCOOPS' out of a twit for the twist. If Jesus could feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, you can feed many information hungry people just with a twisted twit.
Seriously, though, there are broadcasting companies who lavishly waste spend their precious airtime for such 'breaking news'.

Whose the Daddy Now?eh!! You.No?

Be good with math.
Never be sure of the exact numbers; If there is an accident, always multiply the body count with your lucky number as told by the astrologer and there is chance that you will get it right.Always be one step ahead of your nearest competitor in reporting and in the body count.

Networking
To be a good journalist, you should have a network of people from which you can source the information. Go to the nearest pub and viola.. you are in the middle of a network. You can get all sorts of information from the pub which you can 'work' on to be the next breaking news.

Brand your News

Treat your news like a commercial product and brand it. Nothing sells like a brand.Its easy for archiving too.I personally think a business model should be set up on such branded news items. which manage to achieve greater importance than any event. Imagine the economic income of selling branded items based on news.

1)The Tiger wood Scandal Merchandise
2)The Erupting Volcano Blue Pills


____________________

Save trees, read news online.
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33 comments:

Gyanban said...

very well compiled and articulated.

Uncommon Sense said...

nice, time pass

Rachna said...

Great one! Really well written and funny :)

Sam said...

r u trying hard to be a journalist-type-blogger ???
BTW why don't you accompany your words with cartoons?

buzzzzzzzzz... said...

hehehe..ORS!!!
gr8 post

DiDo said...

WTF ... tht was a nice post ;)

P. Venugopal said...

Sorcy, this 'how to' piece covers almost everything there is to know about the fabulous profession of journalism.
Lady reporter (a stunner) to PSU chief at a press conference: "Tell me, Mr. Trivikraman, what was your first reaction when the auditors told you about working profits for the first time in the company's 30-year history?"
Mr. Trivikraman takes a glass of water to hide his emotion. He chokes. The remaining part of his press briefing is punctuated by the involuntary spasm of the diaphram and respiratoty organs, with the sudden closure of the glottis and characteristic gulping sounds, which we call hiccups.
I was among those at the press conference, covering the event for my newspaper.

Sorcerer said...

@P.Venugopal
Thank you sir for the visit and the comment.
I just wanted to portray how commercialized the news are today

@Dido
nice to see you back on my blog.Thanks for the comment

@Buzzzz
thanks for the buzzz..buzzz

@Sam
Journalist..me?
har har har

@Rachna
thanks for the comment


@uncommonsense
thanks for the comment..and btw..How was vishu?

@gyanban
thanks for the comment

Barbie Jones said...

Very well written Sorcerer.You got them pegged.I happen to know a former journalist media spokesperson and she and my former friend and her cousin/best gf who is equally as well equipped to report the news ,are very close and alike,no wonder they spend hours and hours and hours on the phone talking together developing their skill until they are highly trained to give news account ASAP, informing each other on who knows what.I must admit I like gossip,but I'm training my mind not to.I have some positive news to report,I have developed great disgust for celebrity gossip,but alas not so for "Church Gossip".It's all a part of being a woman,you wouldn't understand,not even if you were my mind reader.

P. Venugopal said...

commercialised and funny! a soap opera from beginning to end. i was speaking about the interesting characters you encounter on a day-to-day basis in the profession. sorcy can be a very fine journalist.

Sorcerer said...

@P.Venugopal
Yes sir, you are very right. Its better than any shows on television these days.
:)

@Barbie Jones
Haha.Yeah you are right.Celebrity Gossip eclipse any other important news these days.
Thank you for the visit and the comment.

Sankoobaba said...

"That include under aged kids married to female celebrities who are past their expiry dates.."
demi moore?
"Oral Rehydration Solution"
...ha ha..
" This is the easiest job to do, as you can simply walk around the street, take some snaps and make up stories with your vivid imagination."
cool desc.
"To be a foreign correspondent in a war ridden state, you should have"
you can add .."bullet proof jacket"
" Use your hand gesture to specify the HUGE part, even more appealing."
LOL

Sorcerer said...

@sankoobaba
thank you buddy for the comment

Lincoln said...

mast tha:) , send the link to some mass communication school :)

Sorcerer said...

@linclon.

errr..i dont want to get the JOURNLISTS WRATH like the herpes.

but nice idea though.
thanks..gimme such suicidal thoughts from time to time.
:)

thanks buddy for visiting and the comment

rohini said...

OMG...i liked the first line..to meaningful...sword Vs pen...which is better..??? better to use bth...rite...
too deep study man...i kn the budding journalist would nt even have undergone this study...too good.....loved it

Sorcerer said...

@rohini
thanks for the comment

shilpahak said...

fun read...well written

shilpahak said...

fun read...well written

shilpahak said...

fun read...well written

Nipun said...

For all the would be journalists out there, sir sorcy has put up some notes which u must read....

HAHA

Cheers

Nuts

Chanz said...

in a very blunt language i would say, sorcy ne journalists ki maar li... :D

s\ said...

nice post....witty...cudve been more so!:)

Sorcerer said...

@s\
thank you.Yeah.I would try to make things better

@chanz
haha..thank you for the comment

@nipun
yeah..We got to do good things .no?

@shilpahak
Thank you for the comment *3

Readers Dais said...

Hi! Sorcy,

ha! Ha!
all journalists might throw their pens and fetch a sword for you...
BEWARE ........

sujata said...

Being in this profession, I could identify with everything that was written here..

Sorcerer said...

@readers dias
yeah.I kinda fear that.
*Sigh

@sujata
True.no?
thanks for the comment

subu.ps said...

Sorcy bhai, this is a super post. It has covered the length and breadth of a journalist. No one must have a analysed this profession like this and you have correctly expressed the current media scenario. A lengthy post was felt like a short one coz u were successful in sustaining the interest right till the end. Way to go!! leave your job and be a JOURNALIST. U r A'we'ssome !!

Sorcerer said...

@sabu
Thank you dude for the inspiring comment.
yeah! These days I have a good laugh every day reading the news.
If you happen to read todays leading Mallu newspaper(even In Bangalore edition), you can see that they have given in extreme detail..what Sunanda Pushkar was wearing when they sighted her coming out of her office in Dubai! and how she sat in her car.
dude..and they call it the NEWS!
*sigh.


Seriously,Gone are those days of actual news,and news paper giving information on what people want.

atindriyo said...

O Dear!

From Missionary Zeal to Jealous Mission?

Sorcerer said...

@atindriyo
Thank you for the comment

Saurabh Panshikar said...

Ha a typical sorcy post!
enjoyed it to the core...

Sorcerer said...

@Sau
Thanks buddy!