Tuesday, February 2, 2010

.::THE CULT::.


I am going to write about the most undocumented, fragmented and fermented religion on this planet. It's a cult that has been on earth since man learned to ferment things.

The Beer Cult, La religion de la bière.!!

I call it the Beerigion.[ If there is no such name, I claim that name in the name of Beerigion]

Beer is the most trusted and wildly and widely accepted religion in the world.[ According to unpublished survey reports made by 3 geniuses ] . Like the real Gods [ I know you would not fail to notice the irony] beer is also called and named and found in different flavors and colors and names around the world.Everyone agrees "It's all the same, you call it by different name."[ Did you notice, I tried to rhyme!]
Some Fine examples are, in India we call it K.F. Australians call it Fosters, Americans call it Budweiser. But after all its beer.
The temple of worship or the Holy place where the beer-cult people get together is called the PUB.

You will have many questions to God. Right? Like... Oh God!!! Where did I keep my mobile phone? or "oh God!!! What should I wear on Saturday!!". Some hard core believers shouts "Oh God!!!" "Oh God" in bed; and there is nothing much God could do in such situations.Anyway...

Beer is your solution(literally) to all your problems.
Put your trust in beer and it will help you forget the questions that bother you. Why look for answers when you don't know the question?

"Beer cult " has its roots deep into the history. That's called Root Beer. They are historical beers.
For many, they practice this beer cult in secrecy. This cult is "prohibited" in many college hostels and campuses across the world. Every hostel celebrate the 'ceremony' of BrotherhoOd fOr BeerS[BOOBS; Well!! That's more tempting that way and one 'O" is silent.]

Most MEN, enters their beer-hood by a ceremony chaired by a beer priest. A beer priest is that guy who could drink lots and lots of beer, still say Federal Express without making hishing shound.The beer priest also knows all holy beer chantings.The beer is bought, shamelessly by using the various 'fund raising' ceremonies done in campus and also include,voluntary contribution by "Fuchas". [ The organisms found in the lowest level of the Campus Food Chain].

The n00bs, who are freshers into beer cult, sits around the beer priest, listening to the adventure stories of the priest like "how he saved the whole case of beer from the hostel warden.". With every story, the priest gains reputation points in the middle of the n00bs. The Priest gives each n00b a bottle of beer. It is fun to see some n00bs looking at the bottle like 'examining an ancient artifact'. You know what makes me happy? when I see that stupid grin on the n00bs face, like "I am gonna EAT YOU BEER! ALIVE" look on their face, them holding the beer..How touching..How touching..
*bliss

Then the priest teaches them how to drink the beer.The n00bs follow his action and GO GREEN after gulping down a mouth full. They make faces as if being kicked on the nuts. Then they grab the nuts(The cashew nuts) kept in the plate generally referred in Mallu terms as 'touchings'.

Some go BRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! thats equivalent to OHM!!! The Universal Beer Mantra,after one or two gulps.

Then the priest sing songs to them. These songs are special. You will only be able to sing this song when you are drunk. [ Yes!Really, ask the person for the lyric when he is sober he will go errrr]
The songs will be mostly about some "Mallu Babes" where her anatomy is thematically expressed in rhythmic words. The n00bs to this cult sing along trying to 'pronounshe" words and trying hard to keep up with the tempo.

Once the beer-worshipers reach their "Escape velocity" that's when words and things escape their mouth.. They stand up and dance.[psst..pssst..It's not dance.They are trying to stand up and balance on their two feet which onlookers believe as dancing] . Mallu's wear Lungi's.[ I am yet to get reports on what other beer-cult people wear in other states] .
Picture of Chinese Mallu [ In kerala anything fake is refered as Chinese..yeah.Its called Chinese Orgasm too.]

Once the beer bearers start dancing the lungi becomes an obstacle to raise their hairy legs and do certain steps like kicking the rear of a n00b. They shed their lungis like a moth shedding its cocoon.
This is the reason why, most of them are asked to wear their 'second paper', [ Read :Undies] while coming for 'beer-cult' ceremonies.
They are also taught about this rule that "Number of beer you can consume is inversely proportional to the distance you are away from the toilet."

This is not just about beers but also about sharing awesome knowledge on swear words. You will be amazed by the wealth on knowledge on swear words an unsuspecting n00b can hold. He is encouraged to come up with all 'nice' words which will be used on him the next day in the canteen when beer-priest sober up.

Once the last of the beer is finished the beer-priest, bless the n00bs. Beer-cult people walk to their respective rooms or den dragging their lungis with floral pattern, behind. them They move like a ping-pong ball through the corridors of the hostel, bouncing from one side of the wall to the other side.
Some people prefer to roll all the way to their room.
Hence they are officially beer cult people and they pass out many times before actually passing out of college and the latter one is quiet tougher.

..
..

Everyone 'look down' upon beer people. But they are the most disciplined people.


[ Beer cult people standing in a queue]

Look how close they stand, patiently for the awesome beverage. One of my knowledgeable friend commented "I feel soo scared the way they stand too close wearing those lungi's that way". I assured him that the beer-cult people are well mannered and won't even poke a butt err...I mean fly.

There is no socio-economic difference for beer-cult.They help each other to light cigarette.They will help the needy one to reach home, even ring the door bell for him before disappearing into the dark.As I mentioned in a previous post, the beer cult people are ready to do anything for a beer. Beer is the dollar for beer-cult people. Can you find such cooperation in any other cult?

Beer-Cult people can speak in many languages after getting drunk. I have personally seen many Mallu's speak in English, when they are on beer. They are the most patriotic people I have ever met. They hug their sacred earth. Some even talk to the earth and sing lullaby to it.

Beer- The universal Language.
____________________

"You had me at beer."
- Some Hot Chick
__________________________+

27 comments:

Saadi said...

Hahahahaah....brilliant!!! God, ur posts pack an explosive amount of endorphins!!!

Loved the description of the beer priest and noob....awesome wordings, man!!!

U rock!!

writerzblock said...

ROFL!!! This was one of the most hilarious pieces I've come across in Blogville. Two tips/requests:
1- Move to Wordpress, that way I can add you to my reader :-)
2- Whenever you refer to an old post, pliss to add the link too, so we readers are not deprived of reading another of your gems :-)
Keep writing, dude. You're really good at this!
Cheers..

Sorcerer said...

@writerzblock
Thank you for the comment.
I will have another blog on wordpress.
yeah.I used to back link the older posts in circumstances.
thank you for the inspiring comment

@saadi
thank you buddy!
*googles endorphins

yeah.thank you..I R Rwak!

Insignia said...

How do you manage to come up with such posts? So very humorous!

I bet you were the beer priest once upon a time, isn't it?
:-)

Quirky said...

Awejum..awejum...
N 'You had me at beer' that line was as nutty as you but have to accept-Brilliant..

supriya said...

you know what..sorcerer?..you should publish a bible on beer...asap..!!

Jaunty anima said...

ROFL!!

I've never found history so interesting;)

Meenakshi said...

hahaha.. yea a cult everyone atleast in kerala are quite aware of.. yeah true..alwasy wondered how a bunch of "this cult members" could be so well behaved and actually maintaining queues(which everyone avoids doing even in the super market's billing counter, the hospital, the bus or anywhere)near the Beverage shop..

nice post, as always :)

SindhuBhairavi said...

How u manage to write in such an intersting way! and that too daily.! :) sammathichirikkunnu!!

Mr.Poo said...

As a member of the religion, I love this post. Sorcerer gives the next round :)

Ashley said...

LOL..Didn't know that beer caused so much confusion in God's Own Country!
They sure seem to like their beer.

PS: That queue is un-believable! :o

Four Dinners said...

oops...I misread the 'L'.....

I'll go back and start again...;-)

Four Dinners said...

BEER CULT BEER CULT BEER CULT BEER CULT....ad infintum...

Incidentally...

Which beer should we worship?

Not that I'm overly fussed...being me...

Kronenburg? Stella? Fosters? (please not Fosters)....

You are now our Beer Priest old bean.

The call is yours!!!!

Uncommon Sense said...

super funny

Chanz said...

HAHAHA... LMAO.... Man, you gotta get a beer right now and dont forget to grab the nuts (this time, the peanuts)... :P

Queenmatrai said...

http://rlv.zcache.com/beer_helping_ugly_people_have_sex_since_1862_poster-p228985953367180438qzz0_400.jpg

NoFaIrYtAlE said...

OMG.. Loved dis one!!! Beer Cult...Hilarious :D
so u a part of it? ;)

anishthomas said...

I want to join in this religion :) .....Jai vijay maliya

санжог said...

saucer man...I am also wondering what other things you'd have made the n00bs do during the initiation process.

And I certainly..definitely..positively...believe that you can write well.


@ Four dinners

not fosters, not bud...they taste like warm piss! I second that!!

Sorcerer said...

@sanjog
thankyou comrade

@anishthomas
yeah..You have not yet joined this cult?

@nofairytale
yeahyeah!! we had to be the part of it for survival

@queenmatrai
thank you for the enlightenment

@chanz
thank you for the comment

@uncommonsense
thank you

@fourdinners
cu"l"t..
hahaha
No to fosters..Yeah I got lots of people saying that

@ashley
thank you for the comment

@mr.poo
hahaha..next round is on me


@sindhubhairavi
thank you for the comment..We are mallus no.we have to write.No?

@meenakshi
yeah..you noticed it.how well behaved they are when in queue.

@jautyanima
haha.thanks for the comment
welll!! where you been?

@supriya
yeah..The Beer for dummies

@quirky
hahahahaha.It just came up when i was writing dat
:)

@insignia
yeah..beer priest..well.I was the assistant priest..

Yemiledu said...

Hey Sorcy
or shud I say 'O dear beer priest' that was such an entertraining post..Liked ittt!
:~)

chitra said...

You have written a thesis on Beerigion. You'll soon get a Doctorate.

Me said...

an ode to beer!A.M.A.Z.I.N.G

Sorcerer said...

@yemiledu
thank you for the inspiring comment
haha


@chitra
I hope so..
*sigh

@me
hey!!long time.no see.where you been?

Chhaya said...

Dude... u r reminding me of harivansh rai bachcah and his madhushala :P

theschmuck said...

LOL chinese=fake=fake chinese phones?
I'm not a member of this cult,no no.I down an occasional beer,but how come there's no Vodka cult?Or am I the only non-aromatic fan here?

Sorcerer said...

@chaaya
thanks for the comment..err..madhushala..hmm
The pub?

@theschmuck
vodka cult is THE CULT
yeah..i think I will do another post on the VODKA cult