Monday, July 4, 2011


"My Internet device is putting me on a's not giving me my bytes"- Sorcerer on Internet connectivity


When some monkeys voluntarily came down the tree, some of them were pushed off their branches or the branches they were sitting on broke under their  fat ass. They were too lazy to climb back the tree . They waddled up and down the plains of earth, with Godzilla and  Tarantulas. These monkeys took the train to Evolution. A few of them got down at 'Service Desks' of lovingly called as 'Call Centers'. The others, inbred and thus gave rise to the popular term 'Being a Human'.
Service Desk a.k.a Call centers are centered around the theory -'Infinte Monkey' Theorem.

"The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare."
That's how, they are trained to solve the customer queries.

Unfortunately, I use the 3G 'terminology' to connect to the Internet . Soon, this Chinese made plastic USB internet device started controlling My LIFE. [Contrary to the popular belief..I do have one.] 
The 3G stick as it's called in hardcore technical terminology, decides everything about my affair with the internet.
Everytime I had to connect to the internet. I had to promise coconuts to Lord Ganesha. If I had to stay online for a few hours, without disconnection/uninterrupted downloads, that meant more offerings..more coconuts...more coconuts..
I decided to take things into my hands, once the coconuts I promised to Lord Ganesha, crossed the net produce of coconuts in the state of Kerala.
I took my mobile phone and 'dared' to call up the customer care number which can be mapped to 1800-SCREWYOU.

A bitchy voice, asked me to select menu after menu over IVR. I felt like walking , the Bangalore streets, trying to find '18th Cross' when I went to visit a friend at Jayanagar once.

The usual IVR thingy of major corporates are programmed, to make it easy for the customers to reach their help desk.

"If you want to speak to a customer Care executive..Please press 1"
"If you really want to speak to a customer care executive..Please press 1"
"Oh!! you must be joking..Did you really meant '1' when you pressed 1."
"C'mon a sport...Press 1 again."
"Okay..lemme rephrase it for you..Are you sure you want to speak to a Customer Care Executive.?Please press 1 if you are sure."
"Hit me baby one more time.. 1 press 1 again"
"Humor me-Please press 1"
"Sarah Palin is HOT!! -Please Press 1"
"You are going to speak to a customer care executive..Are you sure you had your anti-rabies vaccniation ?If so, please press 1"

Now if you are really lucky,  you can press 1 till you grow a 14 inch beard or your batteries run out.
For those who me, is put to the next painful hurdle...'Listening to the corporate theme song.'

For some reason, the telecom company whose USB device I am using is having their theme song sung by 12 year old school kids. They are not singing but shouting the theme song into your ears. This is the corporate tactic of ' Torture by 12 year olds.'

I passed that test too..I am a Mallu. We can survive extreme cold even though, we are wearing mundu at half mast..aha!!
We got our balls strong like the coconuts.
Finally, I heard the doors to the inner sanctum creak open...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinggg..rrrrrrrrrrriinggg


Cust_Care:Hello I am *Suma, how may I help you?
*Name Changed
[She meant:Hi, since all the good names were already taken, I am Suma for you.Darrrn!!]

Me:Hello..I am having an issue.

Cust_Care:Alright..How May I help you?
[She meant:Hmmm..You havin What?Issues!!..lemme make it worse for you.]

Me:The thing is...your server bounces me out..doesn't let me stay online for more than a minute or 2. The authentication succeeds, I am logged in..then after some time..I am kicked off your server unceremoniously. Bytes sent 'Awesome' bytes recieved zero.
[I meant:Upgrade your hardwares ,network MORONS!!!]

Cust_Care:Really sorry to hear that.Can I put on you on hold while I check your details?
[She meant:Ha.Ha.Ha to you!!Can I put on you  on hold, while I check my make-up in the reflection on the computer screen and think about awesome things to piss you off further?]


Alright!  while on hold, I am forced  to listen to the corporate theme song.

I think in their S.O.P manual  will be like this

1)Take the call
2)Greet the customer
3)Put him on hold
4)Make him listen to the corporate theme song *Music Blast* for at least 5 minutes. [
**you win bonus points for every other minute the customer is on hold ** ]


Cust_care:Sorry for putting you on hold.
[She meant:Gwad!! you still holding the line? Dude..I just gave you chance to run away. Since you didn't, I am gonna make you feel soooo sorry. You my flirting with disaster!]

Me:It's alright.Tell me what is it..What is it tell me.
[Lets get it over with girl..just tell me..tell me ..its not cancer.Just tell me It's gas.]

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your computer?

Me: I use Linux.

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your compueter?

Me: I use Linux..
[Gurl...Ask me that question one more time and I am gonna cry!!!.
Dear GOD!! 
Did you forget to put a semicolon (;) in her code while you programmed her?She is on Infinite loop.
In other words..shape up your Q.C team Mr. They are doing a sloppy job.]

Cust_Care: Sir,click on the Start Menu.

Me: I use Linux.There is no Start Menu.

Cust_Care: Sir, please click on the start menu.

Me: I use Linux.just tell me what setting I needed to change .I will find the Linux equivalent and try and do the same.Don't you have Manual on Linux? Your product brochure supports Linux.
[FYI Gurl!! the word 'Please' doesn't grow a Start Menu on Linux..What do they call you in real life? Just curious!]

Cust_care: Blah balh balh blah that...push this..push that...blah blah.blah...
[She meant:I am just reading what's written on the screen..I am not 'Triaging' anything based on your inputs..*poof* its supposed to work.]

[Thank you gurl.Thank you for reading me the script out of 'Harry Potter'. ]

Cust_care:Sir, you can also try and reinstall the software and it may work.
[She meant:That's also written on my Computer screen..I am just reading it to you.]

[Reinstall..What software? My operating System?]

Cust_care:Sir, we are having some network congestion too..
[She meant:We have Acts of God, Buddha, Vishnu, Zeus, 'Network Up-gradation work going on' etc and the best est of all 'network Congestion.' its your call dude.]

[AAAHHH!!! The dreaded Network Constipation..Thank you..Thank you for dropping the bomb...]

Cust_Care:Sir, you can also try and restart the computer..and connect it back and it should work.
[She meant:O.M.G Dude.I just read you the last line written on my better disconnect the call and scram..else..I am gonna SCREAM in your ears.My boy friend says..I am a good screamer..okay?.Then All your Gray cells are gonna turn white .Like totally!! O.M.G you are still holding the line...DUDE!! I am gonna strangle you with my  cell phone!! ]
Me:Well..It's alright..I am not that bored anyway.

Cust_care:Sir, if you have still the same problem you can call us back.
[She meant:Hey..I noticed your sarcasm..I am sarcastic too] was really nice talking to you.Call you back.. .I am delighted..Thank you.

Cust_Care:Is there anything else you want help with?


[Trying hard to stay civilized...before my neurons fire randomness at her..I disconnected the call]


I knew that, the network won't let me in till the evening. I took my mid-noon nap.

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