Sunday, June 6, 2010


We had two teams in our neighborhood.Vacation season was our cricket season. In our world of cricket, it doesn't matter which team you are in, your win depends on how deep you can corrupt the opposite team.

We have our own rules, which was way different from ICC's cricket rule. Rules should be made to win.No?

So I am happy to give you some of the rules, by which we played cricket

Rule 1: A batsman should be a good swimmer. If the ball is hit to the nearby pond, the batsman will be asked to fetch the ball unceremoniously. So a batsman should not only know how to hit the ball, but also swim.

Rule 2:Coconut trees define the boundary lines.

Rule 3: Hitting the windows of the nearby school or the homes with ball would fetch you runs; you will be declared out and will be pointed at when someone shouts at us all.

Rule 4:The decision of the captain who shouts well is final.Umpire is just an added effect in the cricket ground.

Rule 5:Bats can be used as clubs, if a fight breaks out- and we all go prehistoric.

These are some of the common rules that were 'observed' during the cricket match. We made new rules as we deemed fit and necessary to enable efficient match fixing.

I got tagged as the most dangerous player during those days. My technicality was misunderstood as dangerous.
One of my special shot was playing over the wickets, at times managing to miss the ball but managing to hit the hands of the poor sod who calls himself the wicket keeper.One of my other special skill was swinging the bat in a wide arc, closing the eyes and try and hit the ball. This technique is implemented to scatter the fielders who stand close to you with B.O, gaping at you and gnarling their canine teeth at you.
I don't waste the balls, I am just a seasoned technical player and I wait for the right ball to hit, which never used to come my way.

Not only I was a technical batsman, I was a good bowler too. From my hands, I unleash the fury of loose ball or and the gentle dragon also called full toss, the two ends of the bowling spectrum. Crotch ball was my version of doosra. I only throw that ball if my captain asks me nicely..very nicely,saying pretty please and raising his pinki finger.

My rule about fielding was... "You don't chase the cricket ball..the ball chases you". So I prefer sitting down somewhere in the shade.

Even with the title of "Dangerous Player", they chose me into the team[ Actually, they fight for me, I felt like Sparta at those times *sigh] because, I had proven ability to mix water in the runs scored and convince confuse the opposite team. Such is the hardship of being so good at math.


The Event:

This was the day, when both the captains of our street got pissed off because of "personal" reasons and they decided to settle the differences with a cricket match. The slaves gladiators are called in. I remember, it was a particular breezy summer evening.
First thing was to chase the lil kids out of the ground. The usual diplomatic dance of negotiating, posing, giving threats to the kids, and then denying their existence in the ground!!

The second thing was to identify the position of HOT Iyengar chicks who had come down for vacation in kerala, and was enjoying the cold breeze , standing on top of the terrace of their homes.

There was not much, but enough for a reason for bats man to try and hit a six and bowler to try and get a wicket.

The Game began,we let them win the toss and they decided to have all the fun and decided to bat first. My bowling skills gave them a decent score.I was happy cuz, we have something to chase on the board, but my captain was old school and thought something entirely different than my theory.

O Captain my Captain! They have scored a ton,
The team has f[beep]edup every rack, the prize we bet is almost... done...

It was our teams turn to bat. Since I was a prized possession of our team, my captain decided to push me down the batting order to save the opposite team from injuries. The first order batsmen went in, we cheered them with threats and they showed us ande ka funda [the fundamentals of egg, means they scored zero, zilch, nada,notthinggg]. Our captain was disappointed, I noticed it by the way his facial muscles twitched when he looked at the bats men relaxing playing games on mobile phone and ofcourse the harmless me.

Finally the middle order bats men scored few runs just out of sheer boredom at the pitch.
Then it was down to 18 runs in 4 balls and the moron whom I had all the trust managed to get himself run out and I was called in to bat.
I looked at the captain for a good bye, he had a constipated grimace on his face.That said it all.

I went in to bat. 4 balls felt like 4 years. I prayed for some summer clouds to the water Gods, so that it rains and match is abandoned.

The bowler, though short was well known for his mindset of Genghis Khan. He had managed to get 3 wickets that day, and reflected the same constipated grimace, my captain had on his face.

Their fielders were Jhonty Rowdies, atleast thats what they thought themselves to be. They changed positions. I felt like a Cheetah surrounded by a herd of African Buffalos. Some one in the deep bellowed as he bent down in attacking fielding position. Cabbage and cricket...a dangerous combination inside your colon.

The wicket keeper started singing a lullaby. The fielders closed in. I looked at their captain- The Bear! He was giving instruction to his fielders with heavy paws.

The bowler took up his pace and threw the ball. I could see the ball moving towards me in bullet time.. I closed my eyes, swung the bat in a wide arc.The bat managed to connect with the ball hooked the ball and send it flying over the pond taking the trajectory like the learning curve of a teenager in porn.
There was noise all around me.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww!!!!!!SIX !!!!Shouted my Captain". I saw the tiny ray of hope eliminating from his face like the ray of light from an old bicycle headlight.

I gave a pathetic look to the bowler.
"Munna..thoo sprite p..sprite" [Translation:Have a sprite..pansy doll]
My blood was boiling for more..Inside me, I metamorphed into a beast who could play cricket.

Second ball, I was concentrating on the bowler, who was charging towards me with the ball.I could see that he was short, a lil over 5 ft 3 inches. His skin was brown..those were the details that got etched in my mind before I saw the ball coming in my direction...It was round and dirty...I stepped back...smashed it again...It flew like a canary into the coconut grove.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww!!!!!!SIX !!!!"Shouted my Captain. Again!! There was clapping and dancing in the background.

I was getting too much attention from the chicks on the terrace, that was the first thought that came to my mind, after I smashed the second sixer.I looked at them through my peripheral vision, they were now leaning over the terrace, trying to figure out the chaos happening in the cricket ground!

"Concentrate..Concentrate.." Shouted my captain!
"Awwwww..Thank you, you are welcome!!-I will do what I can." my mind shouted back at the captain

There was a major shuffle in the field setting. The wicket keeper closed in.I swung the bat simbly, as a gesture of warning ! Somehow, he didn't take that seriously and stood his ground.

Somehow I was more protected than the Z security cover for a politician, because of all the fielders standing so close. The opposing team captain, stood in silly point trying to block runs. I was thinking with all people standing so close to me, will the chicks be able to see me smashing another SIX?.Wont they be missing the action? I was feeling Enochlophobic [Fear of crowd]

Now I have to score 6 runs in 2 balls.

"Concentrate..Concentrate.." Shouted my captain!
"F[beep] YOU!!" My awesome mind shouted back!

The bowler took the ball in his hands, I took my heart in mine. The bowler took a butterfly jig. He charged towards me, his teeth gnarling.He arched and threw the ball at me.He had put all he could on that ball. The ball reached me 2 seconds early than the previous ball. I closed my eyes again, swung the bat in a wide arc...The bat swept up some dust as the tip made contact with the ground. I felt the ball hitting my bat!!

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww!!!!!!" Shouted My captain!!
I followed through and stood in the same position for a few seconds.That was for the camera!!
Everyone had seen me hit the ball,but nobody knew where it went. Every eye had followed the movement and curve of the bat!!! but..the ball?
Every eyebrow was raised like a question mark..At Me?

A few seconds passed...

"Ayyyoooooooooooooooooooooooooo"..A feeble voice declared that he had either the ball or something that ball left behind after hitting him. We were sure, someone had the answer, atleast a clue to where the ball went. Our eyes moved into that direction

The opposing team captain, he was sitting on the ground, he stood up... unfolded his mundu and from there dropped our cricket ball. [A mallu can do anything wearing a mundu, even stand in/on a helicopter]

"What happened?" some one asked.
"I swung my bat at the cricket ball." I gave my part of the story.

"I jumped to avoid it" The opposing team captain gave his part of the story.

Hence we concluded that the cricket ball manage to infiltrate the primary protection [Mundu] of a mallu and had collided with 'Dual-Core" [Got my drift? *wink]

There was no rule that "a ball caught with Mundu will be declared out". We had no clue, as there was no rule what should be done in that case.

We all helped the opposing team captain to a walk. A certain wind carried a pair of giggles from the Iyengar chicks on the terrace.

As we walked back home, with "THE-BEAR" following us like penguin, we discussed on who won.

"You people won" said the opposing team captain, as my captain was helping him walk.




Sam said...

Oh my God ... I'm still shaking from inside with laughter as I'm writing the comment. Cheers buddy !!!

You gave me such a hearty laugh; and the line "A mallu can do anything wearing a mundu, even stand in/on a helicopter" pissed of my Mumbaian Mallu (he can't speak malayalam !!!) roommate. :D

Sorcerer said...

Thanks for the comment.
so your room mate is a mallu? Cool!!

siji said...

oh yea ur dangerous!! :D

санжог said...

i really enjoyed reading this...i was wondering if you were thinking about "coconut oil" and that it was your inspiration.

Sankoobaba said...

now that is a great narration
really i like your metaphors
keep it up..

Sorcerer said...

thanks for the comment

haha! you are here!!
thanks buddy!

Anonymous said...

Hey this was so very entertraing!
IF cricket is played like this all the time, I would love and not detest watching it :~P

pal said...

He he he, awesome post!!! Loved the way the rules state players can turn prehistoric with the bats put to good use :-))))

Anonymous said...

Haha... Im sure u r tendulkar on screen. u can hit any bowlers for boundaries.
from S

Sorcerer said...

Riiggghtt!! only difference is Tendulkar doesnt play with his eyes closed.

and yeah..what they say "Luck was on my side.."

yeah.thats true..very true...also we gotta learn how to jump over the compound wall just in case of emergencies.

ya know..what is one of my dream of IPL..Playing cricket in gold course..with pool and trees and things..
wont it be great entertainment..
also lots of cheer leaders..

This would go down in history books as a billion dollar entertainment Idea!

Readers Dais said...

wah! That was a sixxxxxxxxx

Sorcerer said...

@Readers dias
thank you!

Loshini said...

lolx. and the tale of the bystander iyengar chicks?

Sorcerer said...

hmm...Yeah..that would make a wonderful post too..

I should try writing it..
The tale of Iyengar chicks!