Thursday, May 20, 2010

.:: FOR DUMMIES -6 ::.

Been long time I updated the 'For Dummies' . The last series was posted on March. Anyway here comes another "Sorcy's Fables- Simplified for dummies" - 6.
____________________

BOBBY'S Residence:

It was a beautiful Thursday evening. Bobby was alone at home, watching sports on television.
Bobby was shocked to see his wife, Nikki rushing towards him flashing her teeth in a big smile like the Rajadhani Express entering the station. In sheer survival response Bobby, clutched the T.V remote tightly with both his hands.

"I am not falling for that trick again!" he murmured.

She dropped on the couch near him, letting the gravity do the work and moved closer to him.
A lot of thoughts tumbled in his mind like the clothes inside a washing machine.

"What have I done" he thought to himself.
"What have you done that she had come to know" his conscious corrected him, rephrasing it for him just like Google "Did you mean:".

He sighed and said a small prayer thinking about the things to come.

"Honey!!" she purred softly.
This could be the beginning of an emotional interrogation, he thought.

"Nikki......!!!!" He called her name, stressing almost every character in it. He did that to wake her up, in case she was under the influence of the migraine tablet she was taking and that this was one of the side effect of the tablet.

How he wished, if the same side effect happened for the tablet which she used to take for headaches.

Nikki, huddled closer to him, putting her arms around his neck.

"Honey!! she purred again, near his ears."Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah! Go ahead.." He felt like a convict being interrogated by tickling his feet with a feather."

"Do you remember Prashanth?" She asked.
"Yeaa.....aaa...aaaahh!!!!! He replied with the exact effect of dragging a beer glass on the pub table.

Prashanth was his classmate, room mate during his bachelor days and now the friendship has grown into a few occasional scraps, attaining the status or Orkut friend.

"I saw him today at the shopping mall and I invited him over to our place this weekend for a lunch." Said Nikki

"Okay! Thats ..thats great.! Nice of you to do that."
But somewhere, he had that feeling that something was not really right, just like the feeling you get when you eat so much potato or beans.

"And...." She continued "On the way home, I met Lolita.Ya know she is back in town!"
"Wow!..I mean...nice..I mean..okay" he stuttered to a stop.
Now that he is married to Nikki, he is not supposed to see any woman 'That Way', else its Highway for him.

Lolita according to Bobby is the femme fatale of any romantic novel. Being a mechanical engineer himself, he compared Lolita with a Mercedes Benz, all curves and having a mind of its own.

"And....I invited her over to our place too for the lunch, this weekend." she said that with a big wickid grin.

No smileys would be able to portray the emotion that showed on his face.

"Ya know..she is still single and I wanted her to meet Prashanth.What a lovely couple they would make! Right.Sweety?" She asked

"Yeah like World Bank and Zambia." he thought, but he simply responded with a low voltage smile.

"I have got Prashanth's phone number, just give him a call on Friday and make him come home." She said that in a short pitched voice and just like Indian cricketers he fumbled and fell for it in the deep.

"Oh God!! Look at the rack! " she bellowed
"What happened, baby!?" He sat upright."They look perfectly normal to me." He said

"Huh! Not me!!The Shoe rack! See how messy it is.Such mess gives me headaches."

He sighed.She somehow never seem to appreciate the 'Elves Cap Theme' arrangement by which he had arranged his socks in the shoe rack and on top of it, he gave another reason for her to celebrate a headache.

He was losing it.
"TOTALLY!!!" in Lolita's words.
..
..
The Pub [ 7 Months Back]

"Hey Bobby! Did ya see that chick over there?" called out Prashanth over the sound of music.

"Yeah!! What kinda chick is that? A peacock? What do you say Prashanth?"

"Today! I am gonna try a lovely pickup line on that chick" said Prashanth pointing at the chick with the colorful hair, bouncing up and down like an Energizer Bunny.

"So what you gonna try:Can I ruffle your feathers in the bed? or does your dad works at the local zoo? Is that what you gonna try?" shot back Bobby taking a sip out of the beer mug.

Prashanth Ignored him and walked towards the bling bling girl.
..
..

That's how he met Lolita, for the first time.

"Raise your hands like this..and jump up and down..its more fun that way.." Said Lolita to Prashanth giving him tips on dancing.

"Err..I have two BIG left feet,Can I hold you as I jump up and down?" asked Prashanth in all his innocense.

"Errr..Oh yeah..You can! she said that flashing her teet teeth."

"Hmmm..The Key word Big seem to work all the time."He thought.

After few hours of relaxing by jumping up and down throwing the hands in the air and shaking the ass like some animals wiping their arse on the grass, they decided to move towards the bartender to get more intoxicated.

Bobby saw Prashanth coming towards him with Binky-The clown Lolita.

The first thing Bobby noticed on her was the makeup routine resembling the decorations on the pastry he finds at that Mallu Bakery. The smile on her face ended with a semicolon,[read dimple] somehow reminded him of the C program code. The blue contact lens she wore matched her jeans, bags and footwear.Her teeth were well aligned except for one canine teeth on the left, that looked a bit uppish like a broken Piano Key.Her eyebrows were sculptured in an arc like the backbone of a scared cat.Her nose resembled a teenager's skate board, a bit of upturn on the end......Her hair was all colorful......

"Hey Bobby, Meet Lolita." Said Prashanth introducing her to Bobby.
"Hey Bobby!! I know you! I mean..I know your wife Nikki!" Said Lolita ..

Bobby took eyes off her "ya know what" to look at her face again, trying to figure out who exactly he was looking at.

"I mean..Nikki and me are class mates...blah blah blah...but I couldnt attend your marriage function as I was in U.S of A..blah blah blah..blah blah..blah..blah blah..

Time passed and she was still talking.
"Thank God! we are inside the pub and its night", thought Bobby else her tongue would have gotten sunburnt.

..
..

Bobby and Prashanth, got out of the pub, but Lolita's voice still pounded inside their ears,echoing along the auditory canal.
..
..

Bobby On The Quest:

Bobby woke up early on that Friday morning. He had a mission to accomplish. After putting on his track suit, stood in front of the mirror. The planet Saturn was exerting its effect on his body, he was kinda becoming like Saturn with rings of fat around his waist.
He sucked in his stomach.
"Now that's better" he said to himself

"What you doing early in the morning?" Asked Nikki.
"Thought I would run a mile.Kick start my old Jogging habits. Start a healthy life style." Replied Bobby pretending to warm up, running on the spot.

"If you had told me this yesterday, I too could have come with you"

"err..Okay!" He replied and moved out before she could decide on it.

..
..

It was hard for him to jog in the morning, breathing shallow and tucking his tummy whenever he saw a girl come opposite to him.
"GOD!! Why do you put me in such situations" He murmured under his breathe.

He knew where Prashanth lived. He had been to Prashanth's home a few times.Still the multi colored buildings confused him.

He was sweating profusely. Never in his life he had done such hard exercise.Even nightmare seemed like good movies compared to the thought about exercise.

He reached the blue colored apartment in which Prashanth lived. Climbed the stairs, counting stairs stars. Rang the door bell and leaned on the door.



..
..
A few minutes later, Prashanth opened the door.

Bobby was sitting on the stairs. In his red t-shirt he resembled a harmless LPG cylinder kept on the stairs.

"Hey!!! Is that you?" Asked Prashanth.
"Dude!!! Water!! Water..." thats the only words that came out of Bobbies mouth.
..
..

"Tell me what happened? Did the loan sharks chase you while you were out buying milk or something?" asked Prashanth.

"Nope!! I came to warn you!" replied Bobby, trying to catch his breathe.

"Warn me?"
"Yeah! Ya know that lunch thingy you have at my home.It's a trap.Lolita..your..ex fling will be there!"

"WHAT LOLITA!!!She is back in town?" asked Prashanth grabbing the bottle of water back from him.

"Yeah!! and Nikki thinks, you both would make a lovely couple." He smiled after delivering the message. Bobby felt a sigh of relief like you take a leak after holding it for hours.

"Tell me.You were always the one to guide me.Tell me...What I should do?" Asked Prashanth like a teenager to Google.

"You my friend...is joining the priesthood. Yesterday night you had an enlightenment and you are embracing the sainthood till the cloud clears."
..
..

BOBBY'S Residence: [Saturday Night]

"HUH! I know..he is simply escaping." said Nikki."Wait till I see him again."

"Poor guy!! he is becoming more spiritual these days? Nikki many are into it now that 2012 is kinda near.Can't a guy become spiritually cleansed?"

She duct taped him with one of "those looks" in kathivesham. She went into the bathroom.


[One of the Kathivesham Character in Kathakali]

***"Hell hath no fury like a woman in Kathivesham" -A Pavam Bachelor Mallu.

A shot rang inside the bathroom like a shot gun, the voice reverborated aloud in the silence of the night.

Gulp!!
"The toilet seat!! " He thought

Bobby pulled the blanket over his head and started counting sheeps..fast..very fast..
____________________

The moral of the story is "When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her 'Non compatible' friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood."

__________________________+

19 comments:

Rachna said...

seriously funny :)

Sakshi said...

Enlightenment OMG- Guru- Sorcy.... where are you disciples...!!! This was hilarious sorcy...!!!

Barbie Jones said...

Prashanth should go to dinner,and be honest and upfront with Lolita that he is not interested in her,he's got to come right to the point ,be a man and speak up,if he leads her on he is a "TERRORIST",plain and simple.Yes I said it,men that give women false hope are truly "EVIL".I pray that the whole lot of them will be exposed.I hereby declare war on them,that includes my future husband.

Sankoobaba said...

the post garbbed my funny bone and tickled it till the end...

the below lines were evn more awesome ..keep up the good work

"just like the feeling you get when you eat so much potato or beans."

"he is not supposed to see any woman 'That Way', else its Highway for him."

"some animals wiping their arse on the grass, "

still pounded inside their ears,echoing along the auditory canal.

Sorcerer said...

@sankoobaba..
thanks for the comment

@Barbie Jones..
Yeah! you got a point there..but life is more entertaining..if things are not taken too personal.
Thank you for the comment


@sakshi
thank you thank you..for the comment

@Rachna
thanks for the comment

swapnanjali said...

good one...enjoyed...now laughing ...going to share with my friends

R said...

hey metaphor man! very funny indeed :)
you almost have a P.G. Wodehouse style of writing!

Chanz said...

HAhahaha... damn funny

Sam said...

Oh yeah! I had friends who put me into it... and I'm kinda enjoying ;)

Anya said...

Very longggggggg story
but I like it ;)

Have a Happy Weekend
:)
:)

whiteopal said...

Haha...wickedly humorous !!

Sorcerer said...

@whiteopal
Thank you for the comment

@anya
Thank you so much for the comment

@Sam
thanks for the comment.

@Chanz.
:)
thank you

@R
Thank you for the comment

@Swapnanjali
thanks for dropping by and the comment

Gauri Mathur said...

Hahahah!
:D :D

Sorcerer said...

@Gauri Mathur
thank you for the comment

P. Venugopal said...

quality metaphors all through, Sorcy; only you can coin them. you should make rewriting also a habit, i thought. stacking the pieces the best way possible will come with constant experimenting, but after a time it will become instinctly natural also.

Sorcerer said...

@P.Venugopal
Thank you for the comment.Yeah..I am working on it actually! some content writing and things for my friend.
:)

P. Venugopal said...

i suspect whether you have misunderstood me, Sorcy. i am not speaking about content writing and all. i am speaking about your talent. i feel you should not take it casually. be serious, work on your pieces, polish them, make them sparkle like precisely cut diamonds.

your writing is like 20-twenty cricket. slam-bam. big entertinement. it is a transient thing. the next day you forget the big hits, the wild sixes and fours. only the moments of a great test match will last in your memory. what i want to say, at my level of understanding good writing, is that you have it in you to break out of the ordinary and the transient to touch the levels that last into next generations. keep this knowledge always at the back of your mind.

i am writing this after three drinks!!!

GhOsT sCrIpT wRiTeR said...

“Facts are ventriloquists dummies. Sitting on a wise man's knee they may be made to utter words of wisdom; elsewhere, they say nothing, or talk nonsense, or indulge in sheer diabolism.”

Sorcerer said...

@GSW
hmmm..Googling hard these days .eh?
C#..C#

@P.Venugpoal
Thank you, Yes! I will work on it.
It gives me a great deal of satisfaction ..I mean the writing..part