< LOVE BUG >

"Hello Mr.Kropodkin"- Randi Said, her voice as cold as the barrel of the levelled submachine gun. "Shall I cut you in two now, or should we wait until later."

Ding Dong - Sounded the calling bell, breaking the silence of the peaceful cold december night and my read. I book marked the page, closed the book and paced towards the door.

"Whose that ?" I asked

"FBI!! OPEN UP!!" replied the strange voice, shivering a bit.

"Sorry FBI . I don't have any food left.Go away" I said

"No!!! Its me Goutham!! Open up.Its Sooo Cold"

I unlocked the door to let my secret agent in.

We shook hands. His hands were cold like the barrel of the gun Randi was holding.

Goutham for the real world, is an expert in SOLARIS Systems, but for me he is my special agent-Technical Division, who is skilled enough to make cool gadgets, as you see in James Bond Movies. His latest invention, AN ASH TRAY from a Haywards 5000 Beer Can." A technical genius he is, natural.

"Hope I didn't disturb you.Were you having your dinner? " My nocturnal friend, asked, pointing to the `Potatoe thingy` I had made, which I was chomping on, while Randi killed those basterditos .

"No I had finished my dinner." I replied closing the door behind him and keeping the cool gentle wind out.

"Thats my pre midnight snack, grab a spoon, a chair and help yourself"

"Hmm...What do you call this? " enquired my friend.

I took a spoon full of `Potatoe thingy`." Well..Nope! Haven't named it yet." I replied with a smile, stuffing the 'Potatoe Thingy' into my mouth.

Metalic clanks and chomp chomps filled the air, as we sat chewing in the silent night.

"Tell me comrade, what brings you to me at this time?" I asked.

"Okay...See...I...I.... have an issue" replied my friend never taking off his eyes from the plate.

Okay!! What do we have here. A guy with an Issue in the middle of the night.

The Sherlock Holmes inside me wokeup. I love playing that role, I need a pipe, a pipe to smoke.

I chuckled and said "I thought only married people have issues."

"Its something like this...I like a girl so much... " said my friend and looked at my face for a respone.

Since I am having a permanent constipated grimace on my face and the rest covered by beard, and spectacles, I don't think he read anything more from my face."

"Continue talking.... Tell me everything you want to say..Confess..Confess..." I encouraged him.

Does Mr.Kropodkin know Kung- fu?

"Okay...See Its like this, I don't know anything much about her", said my friend playing hockey with the spoon and a cube of potatoe in the plate.

"Buddy... I understand you, see woman, they are complex like a rubberband, mystrious like Bermuda Triangle or the lost city of Atlantis or the smile of her highness Cleopatra...Very mysterious indeed, my friend. "

I changed the pitch of my voice like that of I was giving a lecture on Quantumn Physics and continued.

"Their behaviour pattern, My friend... can be mapped precisely to the flight of a butterfly on the sandy beaches of Hawai, at times comrade... you need to handle them like you handle nitroglycerine eggs, very delicate they are."

"As for now, let me conclude that for you, she is like an unchartered territory, a small blip on your radar, an un documented wild flower in the Amazonian Rain forest."

I gave him this lecture to make him understand the world around him.He was looking at me with all the curiosity, hearing those great wordly wisdom!

Jeezz!!! Sooo Silly!

"Sorci!! I am serious about this thing." said my friend leaning forward,

"I have seen so many girls, but this girl..she has something special, I mean..Its not her looks, I can FEEL it."

The Sherlock Holmes inside me turned into Dr.Sherlock Holmes, the world famous Doctor.

Hmmm...Interesting case you are, buddy, you are bitten by the love bug and a pretty dangerous one and you need immediate medication, before the neurotoxin paralyses your nerves and make you go cuckoo!

Differential diagnosis:The patient is downright dumb or acting that way or has taken special classes for it.

Did I hear and applauds and music..and the Oscar Goes to....

"Let me see, if I can prescribe you a Proxyvon or trlfluoperazine.Tell me, who bit you?"

"You have seen her Sorci, the girl, who lives near your house, errrr...." said my friend

"Damn!" I Interrupted him "You mean..The girl whom I code named "TERRACE GIRL"? I asked.

"Yeah!! The "Terrace Girl" as you put it."

Do you know her name?"

"Wait...wait..wait...!!You got two ladies hostel, right in front of your house Goutham...I repeat..Two..Two.. and you come all the way to my place, my territory, to hit on a girl.Don't you know that its a clear violation of airspace Mr?I mean...Excuse me? Dont you have any Conscious?"

"Is she single?" Enquired my friend

"Yeah! unless I am diagonsed with a double vision defect.How do I know?I see her doing yoga on the terrace everyday early morning." I answered my friends query.

"Are you seeing her Sorci?" asked my friend in a feable voice.

"Yes!! My window opens to that side and I am "Seeing" her every day.

"Oh! that way!! I thought", my friend said with a sigh of relief.

Gee!! funny to bug people

"Yes, I will tell you everything, what I have on my files on her, so that you can go to sleep and dream of red roses, holding hands, candle light dinner, steamy shower and pink feet. I mean..I can pretty much conclude your "Mission" tonight itself." I said.

"you are such a nice buddy" said my friend giving me a beeg smile

"Alright. Listen.."

Changed my voice, as I was gonna give a mission briefing.

"Point 1: She has a sister, who looks similar to her but is a bit 'F'at.( I know there are not much socically accepted F words and this is one). Point 2: Her sister has a small boy kid, probably in 3rd Standard, cuz he still sings Ringa Ringa Roses, as a tribute to his nostalgic preschool days. Point 3:Her sister has a husband who sounds like Tyrannosaurus Rex, and looks like one too....and..."

"Hey!! Nooo..I want to know about her.Not her sister" said my friend waving his hand in disagreement.

"Yes, I was testing your patience, and you aced my test."I said in the most calm voice,

"Let me continue"

"She works for an IT Company and its a day job." I said

"I know that."replied my friend

"She is short,probably 5ft and half inch" I added

"I know that ." replied my friend

"I dont know anything more than these. I hardly see her other than except doing her yoga thingy."

I sat back in the chair......

....Here there be loong silence...

"You are her neighbour and you still don't have any info?" said my friend trying to arm twist my sentiments. AAAAWWWWW!!!

"Can you get me some more info?" asked my friend his voice trailing off.

"Me!!! What do you think I am. Am I 'bharathmatrimony.com?' " , I stopped, thought for sometime and continued. "Well!! Since you are my secret agent and a secret agent asking for a secret help, I think its my duty in a way.I will try to get her name for you, so that you can call her name in your day dreams on Bahamas." I replied to him.

"Thanks a lot! and is there any way to get her phone number?" asked Goutham

"Yeah!! It would be a solo mission dodo.I would give you few guidelines on how to get it. Listen..."

"Thanks" said Goutham Smiling and leaning forward.

"Make a form with what ever details you want,dress up well,wear your running shoes,then go to her home, and tell her that you are doing a survey on 'Single Females'. If she is dumb enough to fall for it she will give you her mobile number and all info you want and since you are both dumb , you will multiply faster, errr...I think I saw a documentry in Discovery channel that says..dumb species survive by having many offsprings too soon.So and it will bring a new light to the theory on 'Reverse Darwinism- Survival of the most idiotic' ." I said

"Hmm...So theres no easy way..I mean I should wait and work on it.That is what you meant right?" Said Goutham.

Finally!!! Finally! it happened a midnight.. the dumb buddies cranium lit up!

He being my accomplice, has learned my way of putting things.

I thanked Athena... goddess of wisdom. Sorry your highness to wake you up from the middle of your deep sleep.

"Yeah! Behold your temptations, your passions, your perverted thoughts.Belive..and the world opens up doors where there were no doors. Thats the power of belief." I declared

"Sorci!! I have this feeling, soon shes gonna be my partner" said my friend taking a deep breathe.

"I would like to be with her always"- Sighs

"Yeah you would my comrade, you would" I said reassuringly.

It is said that we should not interrupt patients with psychological conditions, they can turn violent.

After some time my friend whistled a song and disappeared into the night.

I closed the door and sat on the bean bag thinking about him and her.

Funny it would be to see a Tyrannosaurus Rex chasing a humanised version of furball down the streets of Bangalore

or

seeing the Jack ass doing YOGA with her, early in the morning, on the horizon!

Wrong moon on the rise!

huh! Gwad! How Terrible!!

How Terrible my mornings would be!

__________________________+

< REAL SURPRISE >

Last Sunday, my buddies visited my home. It was the usual crazy Sunday in the making.

Food, music and games!


One of my buddy badly wanted to celebrate the Sunday a bit more 'seriously' and made plans to get some beer.
Enough to make him silent and sob listening to Himesh's Song's on his mobile and say every 30 second "I am feeling it in my heart..aawww!."

( Its funny how people react to alcohol !)



So my friend Ganesh and Arun took up the mission and went to get the potion.
Arun is actually the one who makes all the plans and when it comes to fund raising,he is found racing.


Let's spare him on the grounds of the recent recession and bad economics.

Then off goes Arun booting up and taking his antique head gear, and raced down stairs to get his bike.

Ganesh who always sees the future without cookies noticed that Arun has "forgotten" his wallet on the table.
Ganesh took Arun's "forgotten" wallet, hiding a smile, feeling happy, planning to outwit him when he says "OOPS!! I forgot my wallet!!" and hurried downstairs.

__________________________


After 20 mins they were back with the goodies, Ganesh still had a smile on his face, but a very different one.err..Something like those you find in the Garfield Comic Strip.

As per the information they filed with us.



Both went to the shop to get the beer and as the bill came, Arun stood expression less.

Ganesh surprised him by taking Arun's wallet from his pocket and opening it to pay the bill.
But to Ganesh's surprise Arun's wallet was empty.
Arun said "You know why I left it at Sorci's home now?". I didn't want to add weight and reduce the mileage.



They exchanged glances which we could imagine. Ganesh said he smiled with his teeth gritting as he had already used up his PLAN A now and handed back Arun's wallet.
Arun expressed his whole hearted thanks with an innocent child's like smile.



__________________________



Well.... Its what we call "Real Surprise."

__________________________+

< UBANTU >

Just when I was about to go for my lunch today, my friend appeared on gtalk chat . Been a long time I had talked to him and yeah, there was nothing unusual about this conversation.

underddoogg is online.

underddoogg: I m linuxed now

underddoogg: he he he he

sorcerer: oh.I thought you were seduced

underddoogg: it is seducing

sorcerer: naaa,its not

underddoogg: the enligtenment

sorcerer: ubantu ?chee chee chee ,ay ay ay, wassup? Other than the libido?

underddoogg: nofing,u dont like ubantu?

sorcerer: Well..its like my ex gf,looks cool,but lack games.

underddoogg: well i got dual boot for that ,windows for playing games and rest in ubantu.

sorcerer: Yes.thats what I was talking,You need two and its cheating.

__________________________+

< BELLA CAIO >

Well...Usually my chat conversations are filled with high doses of insanity with my insane buddies.

Confession:I didnt get any thing to blog on! So I am putting a part of my chat conversation I had with my equally insane comrade.

Well..we were discussing about blogs and the new world order, I casually asked him to blog on something related to mafios.

And in an instant....he transmorgified into a Sicilian and was talking in a  different tongue.

Vinod: deep rasping voice "some day! gonzales and that day may never come! bless jesus! i may  call upon u to do favor for me! until that day! take this as a gift from a sicilian father"

(man in tuxedo gives a magnum)

"grazie del padrino" (kisses hand)

(wears fedora and goes out of office)

he leaves wearin his pin stripe coat

  

l ights a cuban churchil and smokes out a ring

  

 gets into his sedan black 1924

Vinod:  "cio sporca basterdito, i'll get him" he'll say as he drives a car near to another car at the gas station and takes out his tommy gun, gleaming bronze in the evening 20s sun!

rudarudaruda

rudarudaruda

"rubbed him out for sure"

Me:  ha ha well. i know its something cool,,err the dialogues

Me: i didnt get the meaning anyway

Vinod: basterdito must be easy to get :D

Me: yes..they are same everywhere aint it?

 

Vinod: lol!  ya

  

de nada means dont mention it

  

grazie means thanks

  

bella caio means good bye

Me: I thought..  bella caio meant "let me see your belly "

 

Vinod: ROTFL!!!!

__________________________+

< FROGGY SUNDAY >

"There are never enough hours in the days of a queen, and her nights have too many. "- Said her highness Cleopatra.

"Yes your highness, " I replied yawning royally.

Ooh that nose. Damn Antony was right about her description, his words rang in my ears.

"For her beauty, was in itself not altogether incomparable, nor such as to strike those who saw her; but converse with her had an irresistible charm, and her presence, combined with the persuasiveness of her discourse and the character which was somehow diffused about her behaviour towards others, had something stimulating about it. There was sweetness also in the tones of her voice; and her tongue, like an instrument of many strings, she could readily turn to whatever language she pleased."

A smile crept across my face " Her tongue...like an instrument of many ...." .Antony...You talk very poetically and pervertically.

I sipped the wine looking at her beautiful nose and the eyes.

" You gave me peace in a lifetime of war. " She moved towards me ,swaying a bit in her high spirits, holding the half emptied glass of wine in one hand and stretching her arms.

I stood up extending my arms, ready to greet her, the smell of sweet perfume filled the air, it must be her long hair.

She came close to me and knelt down in front of me, The wine glass fell down with a clank, the red wine spilling on the white marble floor, formed like a double headed blood red serpent crawling across .

Her cold fingers... caressed my toes...and moved up gently.

I am dying, Egypt, dying...

__________________________

AAAAAAAAARRGHHH!!!

DAMN IT!!!Brrr.,..Its real cold!!!  I left the windows open last night.

I pulled my legs into the blanket!!

err...Where was I? ...Where was I? Think Brain cells..Think..Yeah..yeah..She fell near me..Yeah!!

__________________________

CROACK...CROAK...CROAK...CROAAAAAK...

What was that noise.

I looked down at Cleopatra!!

 Has she turned into a frog?Should I kiss her to .....

NOOOOOOOOO!!!

I mean. This is not happening on the early Sunday Morning!

CROACK...CROAK...CROAK...CROAAAAAK...

Is that the Crow!! Shooo Go away!!!  Damn Avians..They wake people at the wrong time!! 

Aint there some place else?ONLY MY BALCONY!! 

NOOOO!! This is not happening!

Closed my eyes and pulled the blanket over my head..

Concentrate....Concentrate.....

Yes. Iam the Roman King... I have just put Caeser in the dungeons for all his wrong doings ,including genocide and destroying properties etc and UN Council will spank him for that.

Cleopatra has send me an SMS telling me that I should meet her at her palace.

She is trying to seduce me to lift sanctions off Caeser.

CROACK...CROAK...CROAK...CROAAAAAK...

THIS IS TOOO MUCH!!!!

Whats that noise..

Hmm.... Gotcha!!! Thank you Sunday Morning!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Its my friend who stayed at my place previous night, who has managed to stick up something to the non-stick pan while making breakfast, and is wrestling with the deformed thing.

Me: Hey Whats happening?

Friend:Cooking breakfast! Didnt turn out the way I expected.

Me:Its alright.[Didnt turn out the way I expected too ,that too early in the morning].We will outsource it today.

Friend:Wheres the knife?You have a bigger one?

Me:What are you cooking?Try the shelf, Must be in there.

Friend:Err..something with eggs and potatoe.

Me:Good!

Friend:Get back to sleep.I will clean it up and dial up for food.I dont think this will taste good!

Yeah! Get back to sleep?

Its not easy you know.I closed my eyes.

The palace was gone.There was NO perfume in the air.There was NO wine, No Marble Floors, No Pillars, No Costly Curtains, No Guards who stood by the door.

NO QUEEN!!

I looked out through the window to the foggy blue skies. The white fluffy clouds drifted across lazily, another OMEN predicting the time and day ahead for me.

Well..That was a CROAKING Sunday, as I put it

__________________________+

< MMS ISSUE >

Hmm..it all started a few weeks back.

The fact was I badly needed to transfer a pic from my phone to my PC.

Its a well known secret that my mobile phone is declared impotent.It does have Infrared transfer but it somehow managed not to work; and since it is created before the bluetooth, it does not bite.

Quote : My phone cant do it with Computer

My phone cant do it with Mobile. : UnQuote

Hence declared Impotent and a Virgin till it dies

Well..the only option to do that is by technical alliance with compatible machinery from neighbourhood.[Yeah! you are not supposed to understand that]

So! The apple fell and I got an ingenius idea!

Send it as an MMS to buddies mobile phone and ask him to upload it and send it to my email.

I did send it well..5 times to 5 different people.None of them recieves the MMS I send.

Technology is twisted like the rail of a rollercoaster at times.  [You are not supposed to understand this tooo ]

Another apple fell and I got the ingenius idea to call the Ingeniass tech support [I never wanna call them..they put me to sleep with their theme song and when they wake me up I forget what I called them for.)

__________________________

I Dialled 111

Theme Song!! Trying hard to stay awake.

Trrrrrrrrrrrrriinnngggggggggg!! Trrrrrrrrrrrrriinnngggggggggg!!

Foreplay Begins!!

Courtship words are exchanged.

Vodafone Cust Care:This is Blonde( Name changed but not the attitude !! hi hi!).How may I help you?

Concealed thoughts: This is Blonde..How may I screw up your life today?

Me:Well..See..I want to send an MMS and the message is send,the money is taken from my account but the recipient is not able to recieve it.

Vodafone Cust Care:Before that May I know your name please.

Concealed thoughts: Yeah! So that I can call your name instead of STUPID when you start asking me technical questions and dance on my nerves.

Actually I was prompted to say "Bond...James Bond". but well I dont like the twist of fait.[ Ya know what I mean...You didnt ..Right? What if I have to call them again?]

Vodafone Cust Care: May I reconfirm your number.

Concealed thoughts:So that I can ignore you next time your number pops up and put you on hold forever.

Me : [ Yeah.Please go ahead and yeah..remember that number and dial me when you are kinda free and has noone to talk to.What say?]

Vodafone Cust Care:Tell me whats your problem.

Me:[ Repeat Step 1..Actually I got a whole lot of problem including the recession]

      Well..See..I want to send an MMS and the message is send,the money is taken from my account but the recipient is not able to recieve it.

Vodafone Cust Care:Okay.Is that person using a vodafone?

Me:Yeah!  

     [Unfortunately.]

Vodafone Cust Care:You can send an SMS to our server to activate the MMS settings on your mobile and then try and send it again.

Concealed thoughts:Its supposed to work.The manual say so.

Me:See..actually MMS is activated on my mobile.It is.

  [Should I Swear?.]

Vodafone Cust Care:In that case please switch off your mobile phone and switch it back on

Concealed thoughts:Okies.This is the silver bullet fix to piss you off royally.Bang!!!

Me:Hmm...Are you sure that would cure this problem?

      [Are you kidding me?Iam not using a stupid Windows operating system on my mobile!]

Vodafone Cust Care:Yeah It would.

Concealed thoughts:Sorry Mr Customer!!RIP.

Some courtship words are exchanged again..

Beep beep beep

__________________________

My friend Rings back.

Anser: Hey! I got a link for your MMS

Me:Really..wow cool.

Anser:Did you send me a pic of a modal?

Me:No..Damn it..No..I send my pic.Okay..I repeat..M.Y. P.I.C.T.U.R.E

Anser:Iam not getting anything other than pic of a modal here.Do call up customer care.They could help you.

Me:Yeah! They did.But they prescribed me cyanide for migrane.

Anser:Okay.Will call you when I get your pic

Dear readers.Its been weeks!! and he hasnt called me yet.

__________________________

Time for some action.There will be someforce in universe which will tell me why they are not getting my MMS.

I go for the ouija board  and the candles.

< DEFECTIVE SYSTEM >

Everyone is dreaming of India becoming a super power.

Yeah! With great power comes great Sh**.

Whats the problem?

Shoot!! The Flush aint working again.!!

hmmm......Yeah! I see it!! The politicians has clogged it.

Comrades....!! Lets unclog the political system which is defective.

Solution:

Seems like the 'self proclaimed' leaders aint waking up..so..lets wake em up..What say?www.jaagore.com

[ Let's have someone who does little talk and puts things into action. It sounded like too much foreplay all these days.. Aint it? ]

Let's not have the 'snooze' button on us, like the 'politicians' have on them

_____________________________+

< OVERHEARD >

This incident happened a few days back when I was sitting at The Transit with a cup of coffee and a magazine, waiting for my friend to show up.

A guy with, his cute girl friend was sitting opposite to me and their conversation was a bit loud.
Can't blame them, cuz the continuous chatter of coffeetors (something like commuters, if such a word is not in the dictionary...I invented it.) was well above tolerable Decibel Level.

Suddenly the guy ducks his head, as if to allow a Boeing 747 to pass over his head and says "Oh Christ..My H.R!!.."

The expression on the girls face was awesome in response to that.

Suddenly I turned my head in the direction where the girl was looking.
____________________________



Eyes..Eyes..What do you see..?

I see a cute charming female, with her silky hair flowing down her shoulders and a fashionable goggle neatly tucked on her forehead.. errr...., wearing jeans well below the SEE LEVEL and a short shirt coming down the escalator like a Versace Angel..Desi breed.

____________________________



The Femme "Fatal H.R" (for the Hero) mingled up with the crowd, didnt notice them or look in our direction. Thankfully "The Hero" is saved of some -ve appraisal points.

The Hero : Phew! That was close.

The Chic : Yeah! You scared me, who was it, again?

The Hero :Oh! Shes the Lead H.R of my company.

The Chic : It Shows.

The Hero :(Gives a Grin ) Yeah It does.

The Chic : I mean I didnt mean that..I meant..

The Hero :Err..Yeah!

The Chic : Hmmm..


The Hero: Hmmm...

___________________________


I went back to my cup of hot coffee.

____________________________+