< SMS ALARM >

It's a crazy way to wake up in the morning to the sound of your mobile phone.NO!! I am not talking about the usual, 'ALARM' feature on the mobile phone. This is something more cynical.

I believe in the theory of evolution by Mr. Charles Darwin, cuz, I have evolved my immunity to the sweet, horrific (IRONY) tone of my mobile alarm.

No matter where I keep the mobile phone, my hand always find a way to snooze it, snooze it, snooze it.. It goes on.

BUT (yes! that is a BIG BUT)

Today, Vampy one of my comrade, had a nightmare or what ever and woke up early. She must have felt bored and decided to send SPAM(Stupid Person Awout of her Mind) Text messages to chosen 5 of us.

Boinglow..Boinglow, Twoin..Twoin..Twoin...(This is how my message alert sounds like, my best effort to put it in words), the cell phone rang, announcing the first message has reached my inbox. In response I covered my head with blanket.

Boinglow..Boinglow, Twoin..Twoin..Twoin...

Again!!!?

I put the phone under my pillow.

Boinglow..Boinglow, Twoin..Twoin..Twoin...

My conscious, woke up and opened the window, letting those cool ideas in.

Conscious: Who is sending messages? Is it important? It must be. What if you have won a NOBEL for awesome blog literature? These days, they just give away the title. What if the NOBEL committee wants to let you know the first thing in the morning? Wake up, theres a lot of money. You can buy lots of LAYS potato chips.

Dragged the phone inside the blanket, opened one eye and started reading the message.

AARRRGGH!! It read

"Hello World!!! I have woken up, entertain me."

Yes, some one wants entertainment. Just to put a cease fire to the SPAM firing, I decided to call her.

Me: Hey!! What the good morning are you doing?

Vampy: hmm...Yeah I woke up early, burned my dress while I was ironing it. Since I am superstitious I am not going to college, Being a Hotel Management student, I would burn the whole place down, may be.

Me:Good reason for not going to college.

Vampy:blah blah blah

Me:Blah Blah?

Vampy:Blah blah..Blah blah..

..

..

..

Me:Okay.errr.alright

Vampy: Hmm..Now you are out of the point of no return on sleep, I will let you go. I need to send some more messages.

I drag myself from bed, not worrying about which side to get off. The unthinkable has already happened.Who cares if its the right side of bed or left side. Huh!

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At around 9:00 Am my other friend Juggie calls me.

Juggie: Did you get messages?

Me:Yeah I got 5 of them. I think.

Juggie: I got 20 text messages from Vampy. I had woken up early, was lying in bed, my mobile was lying near me, in vibrate mode. It started vibrating, and I was thinking, its enjoying itself, ya know..vibration and things.

Me: hmm..Yeah..Yeah! You thought your mobile is having a wet dream or something?

Juggie: That is exactly my point. We should give her back something. Aint it?

Me: Yeah!! Chance favors the prepared mind.

Me: I am going to write a press release for our new movies in my blog.

Juggie: Yeah!! I will read it in your blog

____________________

PRESS RELEASE:

Bangalore:TCS Pictures is planning to release a new movie based on a real life story of a humble man, who loves his family more than he loves his diet coke. Its a true incident happening in many families and the production house has denied any resemblance of persons in the cast to anyone living or dead or in the making.

The lead actor, who don't want to be named, said: " It is a complete family entertainer of a guy who cant entertain his family. You should all watch the movie ' QUICKIE MURGAN'. "

After the success of the super duper box office hit of "Condom of Sailesh",[In line with Quantum of Solace ] another family entertainer and a crime thriller, the whole production house is confident about the success of the new release which will happen in the fall of December 2009.

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< DICTIONARY >

Some common words you will come across in your daily life and me and my buddie's humble efforts to give it the best definition.

____________________

A

Autoexc.bat :Sextisaction through self gratification

Anti-Climax: A Bore-gasm.

Automated (Auto-mated): Act of making love in an automobile.

B

Bra: Best Rack Augmentation

Bacteria: A lab Culture.

Bandage(Ban-D-Age): Something that many cosmetics companies claim their products to do.

Binary: Of Both sexes

Bore:Someone who discarded your amazing enlightment

C

CANNIBAL(Can I Ball): What you ask your captain during a cricket match.

COLLEGE: A four year period 'Social Setting'.

E

Eternity: Start an argument with your wife/girl friend, and you will know.

Errors: Bread and butter of software testers

F

FUCK: The only word in English that means everything.

Finger: Manual calcultor.

G

God: Competitor of Darwin.

Gossiper: A guy/gal with sense of rumor.

H

Harddrive: Driving on the roads during heavy traffic.

I

Impotent :People with low hopes.

J

Jockey: A brand of innerwear

K

Kidnap:Your happy hours when the kid is taking a nap.

L

Law student:Someone who studies to lie with the rules.

Lecture:A performance that puts students to sleep

Locomotive(loco-motive): A nut case with a motive.

Love affair: 20-20 cricket format of love.

M

Mandate: A gay on a date.

Mathematical Model:A model based on mathematics, which goes by the figure -36-26-38

O

Orgasm - The gland finale.

P

Patience: Ability to smile when browsing on low bandwidth.

Professional:Geek

Q

Quickie:For the 10 second guy

R

Retard: Past tense of retire

S

Safe Sex:Moving the bed two feet from the wall so your girl doesn't get a concussion.

Smart ass: Lets u know when its going to fart.

Smoke: What comes after sex when done without much foreplay.

T

Teenager: Punishment for enjoying sex.

U

Urinalysis :The study of pissed off people

V

VIRGIN: Someone who doesn't give a fuck.

W

Wordprocessor: A human who is a translator.

X

..

..

errr..

Y

Yawn :Openly expressing your interst in something.

Z

Zebra : ze cloth which covers ze breasts.

____________________

2 of my fellow inmates, helped me with some word definitions.

(In no particular order)

1)Sanjog

2)Sammok

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< AN ARGUMENT >

I live in a country, which is culturally very diverse. There are over 17 major languages in India.Different dialects , in India number over several hundreds and the number of actual spoken languages reach over 2500.

Like the language, the taste of food also changes every 10 kms or so. To bring an order to this awesome diversity, major corporates are opening coffee shops and tea shops every 10 Kms.Good! . Thanks for them everything everywhere taste like water these days.(I rest my case of Flu, Not the swine one.)

OKay, Lets talk more sense, than this Free Geography lessons.

Me, my cousin and some of my friends, were having a heated debate. Since we are not allowed to debate inside the home, we chose the terrace.

We were discussing about balls, Football, that is. Chelsea vs Assanals.(Excuse me, I dont know the spelling of any teams other than Chelsea).

I was amazed by the way, they were debating by telling the statistics of the game, ironically most of them don't even remember the title name of the first chapter in their text books.

The intellectual brainstorming was proceeding at full swing, when one of my friend, Ullekh got a call on his mobile phone.

The discussion came to halt like, how you want to sneeze and it wont happen thingy.

His face lit up like that of a rat who had found cheese. It was his girl friend who was calling him, disturbing him, when we were, busy discussing about foot ball.Kishore, who was high on debate, snatched the phone from the hands of Ullekh and cancelled the call.

His phone had a horrible ringtone.Don't know if he had kept that exclusively for that girl.

This, started a fresh round of debates.Now, I say,this is becoming more interesting.

According to an unwritten rule, when two friends in our friend's circle pickup a verbal fight or argument, nobody should take sides. Let those contenders, fight it off or argue it off, till the adrenaline subsides.The remaining people should remain like, whut...ever.

Actually, this is a good time to listen and learn a lot of things.

1) New swear words.Swear words differ from place to place, even though in same state or county or what ever.

2) The way they position themsleves in arguement and the points in arguments.

3) For awesome intellectual outbreaks like , Go F[beep] with your tentacles.[ I googled and learnt that Octopus does that and it was a mystery for many years.]

____________________

For you to understand the argument between my friends, I am giving it below as a conversation.

Ullekh :F[beep] you.

Kishore: F[beep ] you too..

Ullekh: Why the hell did you cut the call.

Kishore: Why the hell you didn't pick the call. You have a horrible ringtone.

Ullekh :F[beep] you Idiot.

Kishore: F[beep ] your [beep]..

My Conscious: Whose gonna have their first cigar now?

They changed their oral sex to more comfortable language: Amchi Local Mallu[ Malayalam] swear words. Their awesome vocabulary in English was limited to a very few words for intimate actions and body parts. Kindergarten Kids!

Ullekh:Beep..Beep..

Kishore:Beep...beep.beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep..

Ullekh:BEEP

Kishore:Stop it there.WHAT?..What was that you called me?

Ullekh:errrr....

My Conscious:uh oh!!! Houston...we have a problem.

Ullekh:BEEP [ He repeated the same word again]

Kishore:WHAT was that again?

Ullekh: BEEP

Kishore: Wow!!Whats the meaning of that? My bro calls me that always when he gets angry at me. What does that mean?Tell me.

My Conscious: Hmm...somebody is getting benefited from this argument. Poor Kishore, how much he must be suffering, mentally without knowing the meaning of what his elder bro called him, unable to clear it with his elder bro, cuz they are allowed to call but not explain.

Now, Ullekh looks very much surprised and Kishore looked like a desciple, surrendering himself in front of the awesome knowledge of Ullekh- The guru.

We all had a good laugh over it. I think that was the word for the day.

____________________

Edit (dd=09/mm=10/yy=2009):

Some people asked me after reading this blog,(privately of course), What was the word?I appreciate their thirst for knowledge. The word was simple, but the way its pronounced was funny.

**The word meant the his/her becoming an autoexec.bat.(Go figure!)

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< METAPHORS/SIMILES ? >

I used to get amazed by the creative way certain people write.Effortlessly putting their words across the reader, creating a wonderland / cemetery land in the brains of the reader, giving him the goose bumps or oohh la la .

My research deep into the 'creative writing' part made me remember those things I have learned long before(Writing impositions). The Metaphors/Similes [ Seriously, I am confused what they are called].

Dear reader, this is my humble effort to become creative writer. Hope you like the metaphors/whatevernameucallit I invented.

My friend , whom I consider to be a creative writer after reading this said that " I should be in a straight jacket."

Here, I give you MY Awesome thing below.[ I meant the content given below].

____________________

• He planted himself in his couch, the most fertile soil for his laziness.

• His comments made her angry, words flowed from her mouth like an unclogged drainage, all dirty.

• The surprise party, made her bling bling like a christmas tree.

• He searched her in the crowd, like lookin at the google result page, unlucky he, she is not highlighted.

• The thought struck him, like a stone in the delicious fried rice.

• She was complicated like a sudoku.

• It was raining cats and dogs from her mouth.

• She ignored him like a sim-card that had no validity.

• She had curves that resembled an AUDI.

• He entered the examination hall. His mind was like a Blank DVD.

• Time moved like a snail on a marathon run.

• After the breakup he felt like an URL without .com

• He was a rug rat when they made love, chewing on anything that came his way.

• They called him a dark horse, but deep inside he felt like a zebra.

• They ran towards each other like the sports bikes in the movie Mission Impossible.

• It rained every evening, like nature had an OCD [ obsessesive compulsive disorder].

• She was always right like the Murphy's lwas.

• The idea struck him like a bug on the windsheild.

• He had an idea,but not the resource to get it done.He felt like the man with a fish who was a vegetarian.

• She howered over him like a cieling fan.

• She stripped in front of him like a moth out of a cocoon. She was less hairy unlike the moth.

____________________

My inner-self says, I have accomplished something.

__________________________+

< GOT TAGGED AGAIN >

Another Tag.This time I got tagged by Archana from YEMILEDU. I like this tagging game, cuz we need to put some load on our gray cells which helps us burn some calories.

Here we go

This Tag has got some rules, as you can see it.

RULE 1- You can only say Guilty or Innocent.

/ *RULE 2- You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!*/

RULE 3- Copy and paste this into your notes, delete mine and type in your answers and tag your friends to answer this.

As you may notice. I have ignored the RULE 2, making it a comment entry (C ishtyle)

Let me begin…

Asked someone to marry you? Innocent.

I could read their mind; their vibes said "committing suicide was a better way to die."

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Innocent.

NO!!! DO I look like Dostana?

Danced on a table in a bar? Innocent.

Always too broke to get that drunk.*hmmphh..Sad! I know this is awesome.

Ever told a lie? Guilty.

Question should be..Ever told a truth?

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back? Innocent.

Most of them run away!I know I cant have them back.Realisation.dawns..twoing..twoing..twoing..

Kissed a picture?Guilty [Pleasure].

Of a Ferrari.Drooled over it..ooohhhh..llaaa..laaaa..ummmmm...mmmm.m..mmm

Slept in until 5 PM? Guilty.

Do waking up for bathroom breaks count?

Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty.

Literally 'Fallen' asleep.

Held a snake? Guilty

Or did it held me? either way..guilty

Been suspended from school? Guilty.

I was a reliable fine example for 'outstanding' student.

Worked at a fast food restaurant? Innocent.

Recession was not that bad for me.

Stolen from a store? Innocent.

Been fired from a job? Innocent.

Need more clarification on the 'job' part.

Done something you regret? Guilty.

YEAH!! and I am shamelessly proud of it.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Guilty.

It tastes funny afterwords.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Innocent.

We dont have snowflakes in these parts. Do cornflake count? In that case I am roger on that.

Kissed in the rain? innocent.

Center fresh doesnt work even when it rain.

Sat on a roof top? Guilty.

Makes a good 'view point'.

Kissed someone you shouldn't? Innocent.

Sang in the shower? Guilty.

Yes,when geyser sieze to work in the morning or when during power cuts.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Guilty.

I still owe someone an awesome bath.

Shaved your head? innocent.

No thank you.Hair protects the vital internal thoughts according to me.

Had a boxing membership? Innocent.

At times I wish I had.

*looks at the buddy who is chompin on lays potatoe chips, sitting away from me.

Made a girlfriend cry? Innocent.

It wasn't me.

Been in a band? Guilty.

Shot a gun? Guilty.

Donated Blood?Guilty.

I don't have to donate it.They take it when they want-Darn Mosquitoes.

Eaten alligator meat? Innocent.

Any idea where we can get that?Though I support PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

Eaten cheesecake? Guilty.

I didnt know until after I ate it.

Still love someone you shouldn’t? Innocent

Don't they say love is 'Special'.

Have/had a tattoo? Guilnnocent

Yes if you are asnkin me about tattoos you get free with cheweing gums

otherwise, I am thinking about getting one.

Liked someone, but will never tell who? Guilty

Yes, You will laugh at me if I say..Angelina Jolie.

Been too honest? Guilty.

Yes, Thats how I got thrown out of some place.

Ruined a surprise?Innocent.

Still didnt get a chance for that 'awesome' thing.

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterwards? Guilty.

Some underestimate my power of hunger.

Erased someone in your friends list? Guilty.

Manyones

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)?Innocent.

Joined a pageant? Innocent.

Do I qualify for this question?

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? Guilty.

Yeah, They 'see through' me.

Had communication with your ex? Innocent.

Saving on talk time.

Got totally drunk on the night before exam? Innocent.

By the time I started drinking, I had finished all my exams.

Got totally angry that you cried so hard?innocent.

Angry and Cry- Can't understand this concept.

Thats all.!!

Tagging, I need to tag too.

Let me tag all my regular blog visitors.

____________________

1)Angel From Heaven

2)Shruthi

3)Sanjog

4)Vampy

5)Gaurav

6)Saurabh

7)CRD

8)M.K

9)Susie

10)Vinayak

____________________

Looking forward for your tags.

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