Thursday, October 21, 2010

.::KITCHEN N00B::.

On my way back to Bangalore this time, I was bestowed with the honor of being accompanied by a n00b, fresh from campus looking for 'Opportunities' in Bangalore.
A n00b , packaged at source just like stupidity and mineral water- Thank you God for reminding me that the teasing times are not over...YET!!!

The n00b was totally excited about coming to Bangalore and harvest few dollars from the IT farms here.Just like Homer Simpson's knowledge of American Geography, my friend,n00b, has awesome trust in his programming knowledge.I really don't want to explain to him and ruin the surprises various H.R Managers has in store for him when he goes for the interview with his 3 inch knowledge.I am not that bad guy who would ruin someone's surprise..Am I?

THe n00b was silent for a while, may be deeply thinking about what he had not formatted on his computer back home or all the p0rn that he had failed to back up and had deleted mercilessly- A situation like mercy killing a teddy bear which your lover had given you.

I thought I would engage the n00b in a conversation and try to give him a little orientation to the I.T scenario.
I like talking to kids whose IQ is pretty much below the numeric scale and  that you would need a shovel to dig to find their IQ's. [Not that I am pretty good with IQ, but as THIS is my blog, I like to maintain my awesome standards,]
Trust me..trying to initiate a conversation with a hyperactive n00b was big mistake.I was trying hard to find the center of gravity in the conversation..something similiar to a chick with with huge silicon implants trying to walk on the sandy beach without toppling over.
My karma was behaving like and A.T.M without cash.

The n00b was yapping..yapping..yapping at 70 KmPH, a notch higher than the official highway speed.
Time moved head began nodding which the n00b thought , I was agreeing to his conversation bits.Actually, I was nodding myself to sleep.

If the n00b had not fallen asleep  and had planned to continue with his hyperactive excitement about his upcoming life in Bangalore, I had a few plans with the window curtain that was fluttering around.Well, the window curtain was Plan -B.

After the rattle of the n00b subsided, I thought I would take a nap,which wasn't no biggie since I dose off the instant I get into a moving thing (even see-saws). Again....karma was sticking to me like bubble gum under the shoes.As soon as I was about to take my first step into my dream pool,I was harshly pulled back by a high pitched voice from the back seat. An otherwise cute looking chick has turned herself into a digital-dolby monster, talking on her phone.She must be from Cochin as she ended her every sentence with "What Rubbisssss".[With all due respect..fello kochin Mallu people..hope you got my drift].My dear readers, these "what rubbisssss" was flying around my head like tweety bird around Sylvester the cat.."Suffering...Succotasshhh...."

Next day..I would get down the bus as a zombie..with bloodshot eyes and all.The all luxury travel is such a myth these days.Sigh]

I think I wiill continue the 'musings of the n00b in Bangalore' in the upcoming posts.This post will concentrate on the n00b in the kitchen .

N00b had 2 options, either to go on a 'diet' till the 't' fades out or learn to cook. Being so awesome myself in cooking; I thought I would give this n00b a few lesson in making edible food.
"Hey Kid,cooking is not exactly rocket science, but if you are not really careful with the cooking gas, you could attain the escape velocity, just like a rocket"-I explained in simple Engiish. [The kid just blinked his eyes in response.[What else do ya expect out of a n00b?]

N00b Instance 1)

I asked the n00b to cut the tomatos.The n00b was totally excited.May be the color of the vegetable attracted him. Even I was taken back by the enthu this kid showed to cut the vegetables.
"Call me when you are done with it." Giving him a nod, I moved out of the kitchen, with an evil grin on my face.Who won't be happy to get a slave, that too absolutely FREE!!!!

I thought I would just concentrate on some deeper issues and logged on to the internet to chat with a few fellow inmates.
The kid was whistling away to the tune of some Rubbissss music.
Even after 20 Minutes, I didn't get any response from the kitchen.There was not even a smoke signal.So, I decided to check on the apprentice n00b.
The scene at the kitchen shocked me!!
The n00b has managed to cut the tomato into 4 equal pieces.He has also managed to scoop up the flesh from inside the tomato and had thrown it as vegetable waste.With the tip of the knife he was painstalkingly removing every seed out of the tomato.

"Hey what the fluffy duck thing are you doing?" I asked the n00b in astonishment and despair.
"What?I am just taking the seeds out of the tomato." came an innocent reply.

Next thing, I  took out my mobile phone, took a snap of the situation. The n00b tried to cover up the evidence with his hands while I took the pic.But, anyway,you know what happened.



N00b Instance 2)
"Do you know how to speak Good Hindi?" I asked the n00b.
He gave me a pathetic look in response, which said so many things.
"Do you know the vegetable names,  in Hindi?" I asked again
"yeah!!" is the list in English, just go buy these.
The n00b gave another 'super pathetic' look to me, pitying me on my lack of knowledge in Hindi.[It's another Urban Myth, just ask a few of my friends how apun speaks so much awesomer Hindi]

The actual part was, I  don't want to drag myself out of the warmth of my home and hit the street, cross the road and then buy the vegetables.

I really don't want him to get enlighted too soon. Yeah! I can manage a few more weeks with that You_don't_know_Hindi_I_know_Hindi look with a stupid twisted smile from the n00b.


N00b Instance 3)
I gave the n00b another dangerous mission.slicing chillies.Well, he was extraordinarily brave that day and had sliced the chilli in various geomatrical shapes.
"I gave him a thumbs up sign" encouraging him to come up with more innovations like that. Serioulsy, who is not going to feel happy when you bite on a pyramid shaped chilli piece in the food?
After cutting the chillies, I relieved the kid of his duties for that day.

The kid happily went into the loo.Never knew cutting chilli had put that much pressure on his bowels
After some time the n00b came out with a stupid smile[ Smile resembling an achievement of sort].

"Oooooooooooohhh...It's burning!!!!!" the N00b said.His face resemlbed the color of the tomato I was cooking.
"What happened?" I asked innocently.[Well..who wouldn't have guessed?]
"I went to take a leak" he said.
"Awwww.Alright!!!Hope your aim was better" I taught him  to look at a positive side, even in those burning times.
Remember..always encourage n00bs.They are tomorrows village idiots!


Well,there are many funny instances.This  n00b was jumping up and down when he had done with cutting the onions.;which was particularly very intersting from my vantage point, anyway.


It's really fun to have a n00b around your kitchen.More entertaining than television these days.Hope that the n00b doesn't disappoint me.

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