< ASK THE EXPERT >

Dr.Sorcerer answers some common queries about life from my worried patients on "issues".

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Dear Doc,
I don't know how " to heat up a girl."

A 31 Year Old
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Dear 31 Year Old

First you need a cauldron,Add water in it.Unpack what you want to heat.Put the Unpacked material in it.Stir gently while on flames.
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Dear Doctor
I don't know if this is true,but I heard that woman fake orgasm? Is there any truth in it?Why do they do that?

Worried Young Gun
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Dear Worried Young Gun

Yeah! They Do.They too need their sleep.Don't you think?

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Dear Doctor

My life is slippin into chaos and uncertainty. Everytime I go near my wife, she says she has a headache.

Hopless
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Dear Hopless

Don't worry, next time even before she says she has a headache, ask her if she needs aspirin.
Element of surprise-It's technically called so.

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Dear Doctor

I am worried about this. My wife always catches me staring at other woman. My life is becoming unbearable. How can I stop this habit.

Dumb Starer
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Dear Dumb Starer
Next time she catches you staring at a woman's ass or whatever, present your wife with the exact copy of dress the woman whom you stared at was wearing.
This way, you plead innocence and soon after you will never stare at anyone.

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Dear Doctor

I cannot lie to my wife.My conscious hurts me when I lie to her for months.

Honestly yours
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Dear Honestly Yours

Don't worry about lieing to her.She fakes, you lie.

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Dear Doctor
Iam really worried about my this. My girl friend is planning to cook my favourite food this weekend and she has invited me to her home this weekend.Help me how to handle the 'situation'.
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Dear Patient

Don't anticipate anything more. Probably she is planning to drag you along for shopping. Don't disappoint her.Carry your credit card with you, you WILL need it.

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Dear Doctor

I am going to marry a teacher. I am always worried of teachers all my life.They always scolded me and beat me. My parents are forcing me to marry a teacher, as my mom said I am still to be 'deciplined'.
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Dear Concerned

Consider yourself to be the luckiest guy,you will never go to sleep without doing your 'home-work' now.

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Dear Doctor

I hate my wife when she does the "BACK SEAT DRIVING". It's the most irritating thing for me.What should I do to stop her from doing that.

Driver

Dear Driver

I think you should try your hand on 'BACK SEAT COOKING" when she is in kitchen. I am very optimistic that there is an 85% chance of success by this psychological treatement.

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Dear Doctor

My girl friend thinks that I am not funny.
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Dear Patient

Wear Happy colors

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Dear Doctor

I am a director of a very well known group of companies.I have almost 2000 persons working under me.I solve almost all the problems arising in all my companies.Doctor, I need your real help.What will I do if I forgets my girl friends birthday.How can I say to her that I am not her "Digital Organiser" to remember her and her family members birthdays and other important days.
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Dear Patient
I can understand your plight. There is nothing much you can do when you forget her birthday, I meant she will do all the things to you. For the second part of the question..Stay Calm, Real Calm,don't even twitch a muscle and tell her that it's woman who should be more concerned with the 'dates' and men are not 'naturally' fit to remember "dates" as their brain is tuned to ignore dates as men never has a date.

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Dear Doctor

My girl friend wants me to stop smoking what should I do?
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Dear Patient

Interesting question. I know how hard it is to quit smoking. Try blaming it on all the smoke she makes while cooking.Ask her "is that not smoke?"
On second thought.

On second thought. Dont tell her anything about her cooking and all the smoke. I remember a case which happened to an innocent soul in my family. A few years back my mom asked my dad to quit smoking. In response he told about the smoke while cooking and in the end he ended up buyin a complete state-Of-Art exhaust system for kitchen. So the solution of this problem would be, Stay calm, composed,not a faint twitch of muscle on face and focus your eye on distant horizon,hum a tune and walk out of the situation.
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Dear Doctor

I am worried about all the hospital bills.My wife is admitted in the hospital for delivery of our first child.Is there any way I can get the money out of insurance, as most insurance products does not cover medical expenses for pregnancy.
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Dear Worried

Yeah! Its people like you why insurance companies are not covering medical expenses for pregnancy. Any way, I think you can try suing the contraceptive company for this pregnancy to cover the medical bills.
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Dear Doctor

How can I know if my wife loves me or my money. I Know she loves me cuz she calls me to see if I have reached office safe etc etc.
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Dear Patient
Why don't you opt for an insurance with a large sum assured on you! If she stops calling you to see if you have reached office safe. I think you have the sense to understand.

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Dear Doctor How can I last long?
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Dear Patient

Have a healthy diet and lifestyle. Don't drink and drive. I am still surprised you want to live in this polluted world for more days.Huh! Read Newspaper everyday.

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< PILLISH >

One of those (O-T)Off the Tangent conversations with D.D
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"Ya know..we had this cool item for raggin, called 'Pillow rapin'.

Raggin? Ya did that?

I ignored that question.(A lawyer..she is.)

We give a pillow to One "Victim" and ask him to rape it.Two more "victims" have to give the sound effects for it.

EEEE....What ya..Thuuu...you are actually, givin the young ones a wrong signal dat way and misleadin them, and they...

Naa.! Then we people stand around the victims, points at them and laughs;they will never do such a thing in their lives..eva again.

WHAT..evaaaaarr.

Uoooo people do that,Now those pillows give birth to "cubies" and 'throw pilows' cuz they get thrown off and when they cry out loud,in pillish, mom pillows stand helpless.
Whoooo..Caresssss..

errr...Whats pillish?

Its the pillow language, similar to English.

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< I DIDN'T DO IT >

It was a lazy midsummer afternoon.
Everyone was fighting hard the Oculomotor nerve from shutting down the shutters.
I was sitting waaaaaay behind all the geniuses of the project group, with my partner(*Gulp..drool..droool) on a PC and trying to fix the loose ends of the source code.

My project partner, not the computer but a real girl(who ever read my blog on 'FIRST LOVE' may misunderstand),ya know, those Latino kinds,desi version (1.0,Build 1982-84).

The part of "Working Contract" with her was, since she is allergic to coding,

1)I would do the coding and she would do all the documentation by herself.
2) She would not yawn when we are doin project after lunch .
3) Would allow me to play the First Round of 'Solitaire' (eFfin windows game) without fight.
4) Allow me to check my emails first without naggin me every t-30 secs, like in un terminated loop.

Everyone was pooling on to the single D.B Server available in the lab; results of our queries would come after a long wait. We loved that long wait cuz that’s when we efficiently multitask between email,chat,game.

The whole lab was filled with 'click and clacks'. No one was really interested in any activity that could burn a few extra calories.
I logged on to my email account and was checkin my mails. It all begins with one click right? Soon after takin a small bypass I was on what they call "INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY" speedin and changing clicks rapidly on every turn and winds.

My project partner moved closer, [ *gulp_drool_drool_func(1)]

A lazy, very lazy afternoon is getting more and more function calls.

The S.O.P -SAVE FROM TILT (Standard Operation Procedures) began to auto activate.

• Call Function func_Override_gulp_drool()

• Call Function func_Stop_Acting_Weired()

• Call Function func_say_something_funny(void)

• Call Function func_No_pickuplines()

• Call Function func_SHUT_UP()
  

• Call Function func_BEHAVE()

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"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK............" said my project partner and jumped out her chair, she was standing with her eyes+mouth wide open and was standing like a statue, pointin at err...me?


F1..F1..F1..F1...
Esc Esc Esc Esc...


The click and clacks of the lab stopped. Everyone turned their head to look at us.
Their tired eyes gleaming in anticipation and with that stupid grin on their faces.

The lab in charge came towards our system, on the double(See..No afternoon fatigue now!).

"What" He asked her
"Look, Its." she said still pointing towards me

"oh!Yeah..Its big and its got lil hair on it"

By now almost everyone had gotten out of their chair and rushed towards the spot.

"Will it bite?" asked someone from the crowd.
"No..Its harmless.Shoo it away with a textbook" replied some voice in the crowd.

"I am sorry, I am arachnophobic", said my project partner, much for my relief.

There on the CPU near to my leg was a real spider (not the Google ones)who had crawled out to take an afternoon walk may be.

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"Its really not funny when a girl points at you and Screammmmmmmmmmmmsss on top of her lungs, even though you smell nice."-Sorcerer

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< CONVERSATIONS >

Sorcerer :Errr...ever had that feeling..where you kinda feel something heavy on the inside, and feel all suffocated..and...?

Berry: hmm.. its okay..you gonna get better..dont worry,just dont think about anything depressing..alright?!

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[2 hrs later ]

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Berry:Hey!! you alright buddy..No depression and things!..hmm?

Sorcerer: Nahh!! that was just GAS.ya know what those junk food can do at times.

Berry: :-|

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Guy 1:So, ya know, I stay away from these bonds of love.

Guy 2:Yeah,Its kinda pain in the ass.
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Sorcerer:Rrrrrrright!!Only for the gay ones.

[ Here there be silence ]

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Guy 1[Over phone in BMTC bus ]:DId you try it out?Can you unzip now?

*The guy sittin in front of him gives him 'the look' startled.

Guy 1:errrrr.............Winzip .............thing...
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Sorcerer:shhhhhhh.shameless..shhhhh..

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DD:Why don't you update your blog these days?

Sorcerer : *sigh!![Dramatic Pause] Yeah! Thinkin of writing something intersting.Kinda busy these days and when you need to write; ya know we gotta create an empty space inside the head for all the characters and stuffs.

DD:Eeeeeheeehee...Ya need to create empty space?Aint it empty always?

Sorcerer : I saw that comming.

*High decibel muaaahahaha laugh in high pitch


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Guy 1:[*Takes some cosmetic,looks at the label and reads] Not tested on animals.

Sorcerer:errr..you sure, you want to take the chance?


[ Here there be silence ]

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< ENCOUNTER WITH GHOST >

"Ghost!!"
If I asked you "Do you believe in ghost?"

1)Naa..I don’t believe them unless they show it on Discovery channel.
2)Yeah.I was chased by one in my dreams.
3)Ghost?ha..haa..haaa..haaa..haaa...
4)Yeah man..I have encountered em! They don't use mouth freshners.
5)All of the above.

I mean, your answer could be any of these.

Well, see they do exist other than in episodes of "Haunted". The best part about ghost stories is, everyone has a story to tell,heard,unheard,read in newspaper and then we boil it down to this simple word "Mystery".

I believe that there is a lot of supernatural stuff that happens around us, some, scientific community says has the answer; and some they say are best left unsolved.

So here is my version; and this happened at Bangalore, last IPL season.
This happened at that night when we had IPL Finals. After my Rajasthan Royals winning the match, I was returning home on my buddy’s bike.I was so happy cuz, Shane Warne did his magic and my team won.
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I was cruising down the road, empty street watched me pass with its sharp neon eyes.The display on my watch read 1:30 Am, too late after the post match analyses with friends.
I turned to a narrow strip of road and there I saw a lady in white dress..in front of me coming towards me, in the middle of the road. Being in an IT city, I didn’t give it her my attention; until my bike came to an abrupt halt near her. The fuel gauge on bike was on FULL. I throttled her[bike] up, it’s just frozen, the bike was dead.

I know it’s not a dream,cuz I could feel the chill wind on my skin and it should never be a dream when you got a cute chic smiling at you. The whole situation was creepy. Chic or not, I was in a real bad situation. Dead of the night; middle of the road; thirsty for water.
This woman came towards me,” If you could drop me on the highway..."-That would be my stars-"playing it Bogart".

It’s not a good situation I was really in. There I was trying all my practical knowledge about bikes on that bike to get it started. I was getting angry, upset because it was cold and I was thirsty, just wanted to get home somehow; also having a chic menace. She was nagging me saying. "Please give me lift" [Makes you remember that Adnanan sami Song:"Mujchko bhee tho lift kara de"]

Can't she see me doing "Trouble Shooting" on that bike? She should know that they dont come with F1 button."Madam, I, can’t get this thing started.alright.If you could continue your catwalk a few more meters you would reach your place."- I said the above sentence in much more gentle form in simple English to her.

She was replying like She doesn’t even care to hear what I was saying. She must be married. Got adapted to the ways of "life"
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and
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then comes the emotional black mailing like "If it’s your sister..Would you do this to her?"
"Errr..For your kind information madam, I don't have a sister"- I replied to that emosnal blackmailing with my silence.

Nobody wanna have an argument with a woman in the middle of the road at night, at an isolated spot when the cops come blaring their sirens. The best thing was to stay calm and keep the noise level low- at least.
I sighed and told her "Madam, this bike..it’s got some problem, its not startin,as you can see."
"If you agree that you will drop me on the highway, it will start" said the woman.I just want to get out of that situation and get home.I just shook my head and pressed the "Start" button and the engine roared to life.
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-Sigh of relief-..
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Do I believe in miracles? Not yet until I get home in one piece losing my payload(Stranger woman)...
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There WE were cruising down the road. I looked into the rear view mirror I could see her sitting with her eyes closed, mumbling something. Sure, she is cute
Funny! I couldn’t feel her weight on the bike.

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We were on the highway. I asked her to get off she didn’t.

~"I will not be told where I can go and where I cannot go!" -Cleopatra~

she said.".Please one more block up front and I will get off near the church."
"Keep Calm dude"..I said to myself.."All laws are made to protect woman"
I don't wanna get into trouble. what if she screamed?

~Gulp~

I took her to the church road and she said, to take the left road, I took the left.I made no arguments as I just want to drop her off some place.She must be enjoying this backseat driving
The best part of the place is, over to the left is the Church cemetery.
I rode my bike a few more meters forward and she asked me to stop. I stopped and she got down and walked away, not saying a single word.

Phew!I watched her disappear behind a tree in front of me, a few meters way.....And then again...the bike didn’t start.The bike was dead AGAIN.NOOOOOOOOOOOO...This is when you scream and shout. Sure enough, I dont want to wake up the dead in the cemetery.

In a situation like this, the best possible way is to keep the bike some place and walk or phone a buddy for help.I pulled out my mobile phone only to find it switched off-battery drained.
I thought, there must be a home nearby where I can park the bike and then collect it next morning.May be I could ask the same woman, a small favor, to keep the bike at her place, also able to dial my friend from her place or use her phone.I got off the bike and walked towards the tree.
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Behind that tree, the path stopped. There was a crack on the cemetery compound wall. That part of the wall had collapsed.Did she go into the cemetery compound? I can't really believe it.In a way, we should not worry about people who are dead, it’s the live one whom we should be scared of.Aint it?
one thing is for sure, all those philosophies of life dont weigh too much with fear in such situations. I was in a real situation. What else could I do?
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I climbed into the cemetery compound. The mud under my feet sank at each step. I don't know how dead smell like, But the air did smell rotten. The air was cold, tall grasses. At a distance I could hear dogs howling in its off-key harmony like an evil chant for the worship of souls. The moonlight playing tic-tac-toe with the shadows, bathing the many granite graves in its icy cold frozen sadness.A gentle wind ruffled up my hair.
I think I heard a weep..Yes it was a weep carried by the wind towards my left. I turned my head towards the left. I saw a figure kneeling beside a grave with head in her hand.Is it the same woman I dropped off?Who would be doing such a thing? A psycho of some kind?

"Human mind is a terrible thing with or without the fuse"-Sorcerer

Jokes apart, the poor thing must have lost someone so dear and would have made her come here; the many prayers would not have saved it; so we all do rely on prayers for so many reasons even after; for the soul.
Was she crying or singing?Some kinds of hymn in some strange language-The language for the souls are always strange.The hymn went to its feverish pitch with rapid breathesThen the strangest of the thing happensShe slid open the top granite of the grave. I was so shocked even to move.She went inside the grave, gently walking down as if there are steps inside it. I heard more weeps.At times I felt like she was talking to someone inside the tomb. I read somewhere that the dead had plenty to say. And once they started, they would never shut up. Their words would keep you awake at night. This incident will keep me awake for many days to come. The conversations were muffled as if from the bottom of a well. Could only hear what the wind carried in my direction.I heard a song in slowest tempo; as if she was trying to put a baby to sleep.I had this urge to go near and look down the grave . I slowly made my first step towards it.
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The song stopped.It fell silent.
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Only the noise of cricket and other nocturnal insects and the wind ruffling up the leaves.
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I stood frozen as I saw a movement above the grave. She had something in her hands. A small box which she held above her head.Now she was completely out of the grave and she held the box closer to her, as if hugging it.She moved towards me as if she was hovering on land.
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She moved too close for comfort towards me, her face barely an inch away from mine. I could see the accusing stare in her eyes. My mouth was dry. I felt like I had no legs, felt like floating in the air.The wind blew out her hair, it swayed in air in its ghostly choreography.
Then she started talking. I would say..accusing.

"THEY DID THIS TO HER""ALL MEN...ALL MEN..."

Her eyes widened, and I her teethes clenched in anger and agony for her lost one.

"I LOST HER BECAUSE OF ..."

If it’s a dream I would have woken up by now.

"Look here" said she and she opened the box

"God!!I ". I gasped for breathe. It smelled so rotten and smelled like real rotten meat or bad cheese.I held my breathe.
She tilted her head as if assessing my reaction. Her lips twisted in one direction.

She dipped her hand inside the box and took some stuffs from it. It looked greasy and dark.The gooey remains dripped off her long finger and nails as she lifted her hand out of it.
She moved closer and did the horrible thing.She wiped her hands on my shirt.

She started laughing loudly. It was not laughter, it was just the reflex to conceal her agony and anger.
She suddenly stopped.
Looked closer at me and Asked me a question.
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Can you ..Guess..what she asked me?
I was so shocked and shaken when I heard that question
.I really...I really.....God!!!
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SURF EXCEL HAY NA<<--Highlight here using mouse

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