.:: CUSTOMER CARE ::.

"My Internet device is putting me on a diet..it's not giving me my bytes"- Sorcerer on Internet connectivity

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When some monkeys voluntarily came down the tree, some of them were pushed off their branches or the branches they were sitting on broke under their  fat ass. They were too lazy to climb back the tree . They waddled up and down the plains of earth, with Godzilla and  Tarantulas. These monkeys took the train to Evolution. A few of them got down at 'Service Desks' of lovingly called as 'Call Centers'. The others, inbred and thus gave rise to the popular term 'Being a Human'.

 
Service Desk a.k.a Call centers are centered around the theory -'Infinte Monkey' Theorem.

"The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare."
That's how, they are trained to solve the customer queries.

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Unfortunately, I use the 3G 'terminology' to connect to the Internet . Soon, this Chinese made plastic USB internet device started controlling My LIFE. [Contrary to the popular belief..I do have one.] 

The 3G stick as it's called in hardcore technical terminology, decides everything about my affair with the internet.
 

Everytime I had to connect to the internet. I had to promise coconuts to Lord Ganesha. If I had to stay online for a few hours, without disconnection/uninterrupted downloads, that meant more offerings..more coconuts...more coconuts..

 
I decided to take things into my hands, once the coconuts I promised to Lord Ganesha, crossed the net produce of coconuts in the state of Kerala.
I took my mobile phone and 'dared' to call up the customer care number which can be mapped to 1800-SCREWYOU.

A bitchy voice, asked me to select menu after menu over IVR. I felt like walking , the Bangalore streets, trying to find '18th Cross' when I went to visit a friend at Jayanagar once.

The usual IVR thingy of major corporates are programmed, to make it easy for the customers to reach their help desk.

"If you want to speak to a customer Care executive..Please press 1"
 

"If you really want to speak to a customer care executive..Please press 1"

 
"Oh!! you must be joking..Did you really meant '1' when you pressed 1."

 
"C'mon Dude..be a sport...Press 1 again."

 
"Okay..lemme rephrase it for you..Are you sure you want to speak to a Customer Care Executive.?Please press 1 if you are sure."

 
"Hit me baby one more time.. 1 press 1 again"

 
"Humor me-Please press 1"

 
"Sarah Palin is HOT!! -Please Press 1"

 
"You are going to speak to a customer care executive..Are you sure you had your anti-rabies vaccniation ?If so, please press 1"

Now if you are really lucky,  you can press 1 till you grow a 14 inch beard or your batteries run out.
For those who dare..like me, is put to the next painful hurdle...'Listening to the corporate theme song.'

For some reason, the telecom company whose USB device I am using is having their theme song sung by 12 year old school kids. They are not singing but shouting the theme song into your ears. This is the corporate tactic of ' Torture by 12 year olds.'

I passed that test too..I am a Mallu. We can survive extreme cold even though, we are wearing mundu at half mast..aha!!
We got our balls strong like the coconuts.
Finally, I heard the doors to the inner sanctum creak open...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinggg..rrrrrrrrrrriinggg

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..
Cust_Care:Hello I am *Suma, how may I help you?
*Name Changed
[She meant:Hi, since all the good names were already taken, I am Suma for you.Darrrn!!]

Me:Hello..I am having an issue.

Cust_Care:Alright..How May I help you?
[She meant:Hmmm..You havin What?Issues!!..lemme make it worse for you.]

Me:The thing is...your server bounces me out..doesn't let me stay online for more than a minute or 2. The authentication succeeds, I am logged in..then after some time..I am kicked off your server unceremoniously. Bytes sent 'Awesome' bytes recieved zero.
[I meant:Upgrade your hardwares ,network MORONS!!!]

Cust_Care:Really sorry to hear that.Can I put on you on hold while I check your details?
[She meant:Ha.Ha.Ha to you!!Can I put on you  on hold, while I check my make-up in the reflection on the computer screen and think about awesome things to piss you off further?]

Me:Sure..

{
Alright!  while on hold, I am forced  to listen to the corporate theme song.

I think in their S.O.P manual  will be like this

1)Take the call
2)Greet the customer
3)Put him on hold
4)Make him listen to the corporate theme song *Music Blast* for at least 5 minutes. [
**you win bonus points for every other minute the customer is on hold ** ]

}

Cust_care:Sorry for putting you on hold.
[She meant:Gwad!! you still holding the line? Dude..I just gave you chance to run away. Since you didn't, I am gonna make you feel soooo sorry. You my friend..is flirting with disaster!]


Me:It's alright.Tell me what is it..What is it tell me.
[Lets get it over with girl..just tell me..tell me ..its not cancer.Just tell me It's gas.]

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your computer?

Me: I use Linux.

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your compueter?

Me: I use Linux..
[Gurl...Ask me that question one more time and I am gonna cry!!!.
 

Dear GOD!! 

Did you forget to put a semicolon (;) in her code while you programmed her?She is on Infinite loop.

In other words..shape up your Q.C team Mr. They are doing a sloppy job.]

Cust_Care: Sir,click on the Start Menu.

Me: I use Linux.There is no Start Menu.

Cust_Care: Sir, please click on the start menu.

Me: I use Linux.just tell me what setting I needed to change .I will find the Linux equivalent and try and do the same.Don't you have Manual on Linux? Your product brochure says..it supports Linux.
[FYI Gurl!! the word 'Please' doesn't grow a Start Menu on Linux..What do they call you in real life? Just curious!]
 
Cust_care: Blah balh balh blah ..do..this..do that...push this..push that...blah blah.blah...
[She meant:I am just reading what's written on the screen..I am not 'Triaging' anything based on your inputs..*poof* its supposed to work.]

Me:Okay..alright..
[Thank you gurl.Thank you for reading me the script out of 'Harry Potter'. ]

Cust_care:Sir, you can also try and reinstall the software and it may work.
[She meant:That's also written on my Computer screen..I am just reading it to you.]

Me:Hmmm..okay!
[Reinstall..What software? My operating System?]

Cust_care:Sir, we are having some network congestion too..
[She meant:We have Acts of God, Buddha, Vishnu, Zeus, 'Network Up-gradation work going on' etc and the best est of all 'network Congestion.' its your call dude.]

Me:aha!!okay
[AAAHHH!!! The dreaded Network Constipation..Thank you..Thank you for dropping the bomb...]

Cust_Care:Sir, you can also try and restart the computer..and connect it back and it should work.
[She meant:O.M.G Dude.I just read you the last line written on my screen..you better disconnect the call and scram..else..I am gonna SCREAM in your ears.My boy friend says..I am a good screamer..okay?.Then All your Gray cells are gonna turn white .Like totally!! O.M.G you are still holding the line...DUDE!! I am gonna strangle you with my  cell phone!! ]
Me:Well..It's alright..I am not that bored anyway.

Cust_care:Sir, if you have still the same problem you can call us back.
[She meant:Hey..I noticed your sarcasm..I am sarcastic too]
Me:Sure.it was really nice talking to you.Call you back.. .I am delighted..Thank you.

Cust_Care:Is there anything else you want help with?

Me:Errrr...Nope.

[Trying hard to stay civilized...before my neurons fire randomness at her..I disconnected the call]
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I knew that, the network won't let me in till the evening. I took my mid-noon nap.

__________________________+

.:: YAKSHI & PANA MARAM ::.

 

No!! This is not a picture of coconut tree. Of course, it doesn't have 'those huge things' hanging on top.

No..No.No..Your logic is wrong..again.This is not a male coconut tree either.

That's a picture of a palm tree or Pana (in Malayalam). These trees have sacred roles in Kerala Folk tales and toddy shops. I even have a theory that, history of roof tops restaurants can be mapped to the palm trees.

Long back, such palm trees were the hangout spots for Yakshis. 'Yakshi' is a mallu term for Witches. For some guys they resemble their wife(s), ex-Girl Friend, Girl Friend, Mother-In-Law etc. The blogger i.e me however claim that, this is purely coincidental and blame it on your bad karma.

Yakshi is a variant of human beings , in pure scientific terminology, 'Homo Erectus'.(Yes..Some Yakshi's are sooo HOT!!!! and trust me guyz..they can do that to you...or make you both..hence the term Homo Erectus)

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Unlike their western counter part, popularly referred as 'witches', Yakshi's are HOT and can resemble the HOT teachers who taught you in 8th Std and above.

'Witches' of the western world does not have any sense of fashion. They wear rags or bags. They have B.O. They always have a bad hair day. Their teeth would resemble a badly worn out picket fence. Their popular mode of transport is 'Broom Stick' and don't have to worry about rising oil prices. They can curse you. They are hardcore feminists and don't shave their legs. Some even pet their legs instead of a real cat.

Guyz..I know..It's no different from what you see almost everyday..like your 'better half' [The one who get the better of you],giving you those stares with that 'Broom Stick' in hand, while you are peacefully watching sports on T.V.

 Fact :Them witches do you,you don't.

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Witches and Yakshis are way different from bitches; in case you are confusing your vocabulary. Bitches or b!+C|-|35 are hot, with latest sense of fashion. They look clean but can give you STD's or herpes, bitch diseases etc depending on the options available with her. 

Their popular mode of transport is 'Your car'. The only thing you get blown by her, is your money. They carry a pink 'Fcuk me' purse with 'necessary' items. They have mood swings between very very 'matured' [ha ha ha ha] and being a toddler on sugar.

Yeah dude..It's a jungle out there.

*sigh

Fact: You like to do your b!+C|-| but some one else is doing it for you.

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Mallu Yakshi's are real cute things, when compared to witches of the West. To start with, Yakshi's are real hotties, with long hair and with curves that resemble the River Nile.

They are very good conversationalists. They Purrrrrr..at least in the beginning. They are hygienic and conservative , that's why they always wear white Sari. 

[A mallu woman wearing white Sari..Not a Yakshi though.]

They walk with background music. They don't actually walk, they hover, exactly the way your girl friend/wife does to you.

Yakshi's were once normal woman, living their life, minding their own business, thinking about nail polish, window curtains and matching shoes. Every night, they sleep hugging their teddy bear, thinking about butterflies , white doves and world peace. Only thing they were scared off are cookie monsters and bees.

This young woman is advised by her elders, to keep the knickers above her knees, her knees together and her hands to herself. Of-course..she lived that way..But...all of a sudden, one unattended moment..she was violated (Read:B@nged).

The young woman, now sobbing in her bed, remembers the golden advice by her momma.. "Never give him what he wants". She remembers those words, in slow  frame rate with Dolby effect and sobs uncontrollably.

To get even with him, she draws her 'Violator' a.k.a 'Then cute boy friend' with small pee-pee in Ms-paint..points and laughs at it. 

Thus she turns back into a virgin- in some cases.

Ironically,some young woman remember the 'golden advice' only after her marriage and her hubby (as lovingly called) gets screwed only 'literally'.

The time has come for revenge. The banged young woman, having lived in shame commits suicide and is turned into a HOT Yakshi . She is in search for the violator guy, not to relive those orgasmic moments but to kill him in a freak accident.

Yakshi like the commies, have well defined propaganda. They are out there to fcuk up lives.

Kalliyankattu neeli is one such credible Yakshi.In malayalam terms ..(Nalla tharavattil piranna yakshi. Translation: Yakshi born in a very good family, she even uses her family name).

Yakshi's prefer outdoors and wild. They lived on 'Pala Maram' or Pana (Palm Tree).
Most Yakshi's were solitary hunters.Their hunting ground is deserted road through the forest.
[I know what you are thinking guyz..at one time..they were confined to forest and wild].
*sigh

They come down their palm tree apartment at midnight, usually during the Fridays.They metamorph into a cute hot chick, complete with push-up bra, femme fatale for the Quick Gun Murugans.
Most yakshi's are straight. [I have not come across any Yakshi, who is a lesbian...yet].

When any unsuspecting male, ventures into the forest to take a leak or search for cannabis to get high or simply to get to the other side, the yakshi zero in on him.

Unsuspecting Male:Who are ya? Have not seen you here? [Wink]

Femme Fatale Yakshi:I am lost.I was returning after kadhakali.Lost my way [Lie..Lie..Lie]

Unsuspecting Male: Ayyooo..It's  alright. I Can drop you back at your home. Parents are still back at temple watching Kadhakali.right?

Femme Fatale Yakshi: hmmmmm....Oooohh..yeahh...they arrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee...[Purrrrr...Purrrrrrr]

Unsuspecting Male ke Dil mein laddoo phoote.

Unsuspecting Male: On the way home I will tell you some kadha [Story] and let's have some Kali[Play] after.

Femme Fatale Yakshi:Sure..

Unsuspecting Male ke Dil mein do laddoo phoote.

Unsuspecting Male:Wow!! That was easy!Kochu Galli.

Femme Fatale Yakshi: Ooooh...yeahhh [and she makes gestures on her face like she is backing up a car.]

When they reach near the palm tree, the yakshi grabs the unsuspecting male by the balls , drags him  all the way up the palm tree. There he is stripped, killed and eaten.Thus palm trees become roof top restaurants for Yakshi's. Not everything is eaten, the bones and nails are left for forensic analysis.

I know guyz..some of you would be wishing your witch did that to you...a quick death...Right?

Bad Karma..Bad bad karma.Live with it.
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Malayalam Film industry has revolutionized the way Yakshi's are dressed today. The industry has made them  colorful Yakshis.They look quiet different from their old monochromatic variants.They also dance to item numbers with skimpy clothes which can put even Rakhi Savant to shame.

Everytime I see a palm tree [Pana Maram], it reminds of various tales I have read in Aithihya Mala written by Kottarathil Sankunni.

__________________________+

[ LONA MISA-OIL PAINTING ]

I R back.

Where was I?..

Errr..Me was kinda busy taming a dragon and teaching it some good toilet manners. Well..Not exactly ,I got buried under a landslide, then had to dig all the way down to China.

[Q: Isn’t China all the way up? Ans:Well if you are buried under a landslide ,direction is relative]

Now..Where was I?

Yeah…had to dig all the way yup to China, dodge some serious PSB ,then sling across the Great Wall of China on a Made in China ACME sling.

You are staring at the screen as if you ain’t believing what I said. Right?

Noooo..Don’t nod your head too fast that way, you may dislodge your pea-brain from its tentacles.

Okay!!! Lemme tell you the truth…psstt..psstt..I was learning to stick my head…. in a jet engine. 

Aaaawwww!!!

Why not me? Why wasn't it me? - Just academic curiosity, you understand. 

But…a Big But actually…

I did come back just like Santa Clause, [Nope!! My sack ain’t red though.] with a present for my awesome blog readers.

____________________

Presenting to you LONA MISA, Au naturel, in her awesome glow thing without much thing. This lil orchid, la petite femme is Created on Ze Canvas with Oil ze Painto. [There is a popular misconception that adding ‘Ze’ makes the sentence look more Frenchish.]

 [Painting.Photographed in two modes of lighting]

Medium:Oil on Canvas

Dimension:60.96 X 91.44 Centimeters

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When my knowledgeable friend [That friend of mine  is strictly G.I. -- Gibbering Idiot!] saw this painting, he had a few questions to ask, which I thought, would share with you , just to help you in case, the same questions are haunting you like a civil unrest in your stomach.

1)Sorcy, are you a pervert?

Ans:Hmmm…Errr…Yeah. It looks good on me with this straw hat.

2)Are you obsessed with b**bs?

Ans:Errrr….Hmmm…Errrr….

3)Oh..Speechless.Are you?

Ans:Yeah..They always make me..I mean make everyone. I believe in the theory that when I speak, I speak for everyone.

4)Do you have a name for her..I mean the chick in the painting?

Ans:CHICK???HOOOH!!!She must be called the LONA MISA.

5)Why aint she dressed Sorcy?

Ans:Hmm…I seriously don’t want any researchers doing some awesome art research on the painting after a few centuries and then forming theories that I am not straight.[Lookie what happened to Da Vinci.].To Quote myself ”The only thing I got straight in my life is my orientation”. I wish so to 'uphold' that and the thing that goes along with it straight.

6)Who is LONA MISA?

Ans;I seriously don’t know. I was just Googling up some images of tattoo and found the photograph of this pink cabbage wearing tattoo worth painting. 

 

7)What exactly is the dimension?

Ans:Hmm…From the best of my assessment , she should be a 36 E.

8)I meant the dimension of the painting...What is it..Tell me what is it..What is it tell me?

 

 Ans: Owkay! Hmm Da painting you meant?..it is 3ft by 2ft. It's pretty large [Input:Dramatic Pause] painting.

9)Where you gonna hang this painting? In your bedroom?

Ans:Errr..No Thank you.I do have my wood mornings everyday. Don't need the help of a painting.

10) How do you find time to paint?

Ans:Yeah,really serious question.First thing you should do is look around, where you have kept all  your clothes,piled up like mt Everest.Then Slowly take a deep breathe,take a few steps backward,gently...very gently size up the piled up clothes....Run towards it and dive into it..Frantically..search for that..[Yes, you are allowed to make weird voices and make faces like you are having an orgasm while searching for it]. Viola..you will find that it has managed to get entangled with your hands. Found one?Yeah..wear it. Cultivate clean habits. [I know Britney and Hilton will differ with me on this.].To Summarize..You don't find time...Time finds you!!

11)What inspires you to paint?

Ans:A nice cup of STFU and potato wafers.

12) How can you get started on painting?

Ans:Repeat after me: I will Google before asking stupid questions. 

13)When will you ever paint something with clothes on?

Ans:HOOH!! I ALWAYS paint with my clothes ON. It helps me stand closer to the canvas.
 

____________________

[LONA MISA..In the making ]

__________________________+

 

.::KOVALAM ESCAPADE::.

After a month of warfare , me and my awesome buddies from war front [Thiranthoram payals], having nothing more to do to keep our pea-brains occupied decided to do an escapade to Kovalam beach.

Seriously, a month of diplomatic pole dancing had exhausted us beeeg time.

We were supposed to reach there at mid-noon. But some zombie friends of mine wanted to hug their pillow and went to sleep dreaming of fairies in 36D. [38 D would have been more appropriate, but who would want to suffocate in their sleep and have an orgasmic death.]

Deepak, a machan was our driver. He was multi talented.He could drive, smoke,talk on phone,drive, swear at other drivers and crack jokes and laugh with his eyes closed.

For me, ,he resembled the ferryman on the river Styx with the attitude of Genghis khan.Even Genghis would need a diaper in such situations.

For the unfortunate drivers on the road, we were trying to achieve a land speed record in a brand new Hyundai i10 chick. The horn was just an underused attraction.He preferred to squeak the tires to get other driver's attention.

Kannan, a trained criminologist reminded Deepak of his impending doctorate at JNU, as a psychological bargain to spare his life from the roller-coaster ride.

The people at the backseat were pinned to the backseat.Sheer physics in motion. I heard someone checking the model number and the dual air-bag feature..just in case.

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..

Thanks to our wonderful timing. By the time we reached there most firangi chicks had cocooned themselves in blankets to protect themselves from the cold wind and possible androgens that could have tried their kung-fu on them.

So we were left with our CANON EOS 1000 D Cam. [My first stint with DSLR's] . 

This is what our balls...I meant...eyeballs focused on next.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

7)

8)

9)

10)

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nature..aaaaaaaaaahhh....Bliissssssssssss!!!

The beautiful clouds..the beautiful sea..

By the time we decided to strip our cloths off  and run down towards the waves... the lifeguard asked us to pull up our pants and scoot...cuz it was getting really dark and most of us would be visible only when we smiled. With his beer belly beer beer beer belly belly belly beer belly, he looked like an inverted question mark.

Intelligence reports suggested us that some coffee bars are serving BEER on an election day, which is served in coffee mugs under cover. So innocently we consumed enough brewed malt and made Vijay Mallya even richer.

*sigh

Driving back was requiem of a dream which we had a few hours back. Well, we reached our den safe and in one piece.

__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

Sorcerer: I The King of This world and beyond... FREE YOU FROM THE BONDS OF FLU

Sorcerer: I FREEEEEEEEEE YOU FROM THE BONDS OF FLU

Sorcerer: You are thus healed.

Susie: was all the caps supposed to give the effect?

Sorcerer: har har har..yes

Susie: for a person who is down with flu, do u realise, it makes no difference.. for their ear has lost its capacity to differentiate the decibel levels

Susie: I'm awesome

Sorcerer: nice to know that you are reading through your ears

Sorcerer: Well..That explains the magnitude of your FLU

..
..

OfficeSlave:Dude..Help me get outta her.

Sorcerer:Sure thing...Tell me what weird position did you try on her.

OfficeSlave:*here

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Wiseguy:Flirting with cyberchicks?

Genius:Shaping up a beautiful world actually.
 

Sorcerer:Orgasm or Obesity...That's the question...Right?

Genius:Exaaaaaaaactly.
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Geek:..So after that I am gonna get my Phd.

Sorcerer:Gwad..Cant believe it..you believe in Spam mails and pr0n?

Geek:What are you talking about.

Sorcerer:The question is.."what exactly do you mean by 'Phd'".

Geek:What is Phd?

Ps:*sigh..This Geek Guy got pushed down the evolution tree..or may be he broke the branch cuz he was over weight or somethin.

..
..

Genius: When you'd be with a girl you'd not even mention words that would start with 's'.

Really_Harmless_Guy: like...Sleep? Well..I have better things to do..unlike you..

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Genius:Can you believe it...That color is a major turn off on such a hot girl.

Sorcerer:Absolutely..It's like the pop up blocker on Internet explorer.

..

..

Siji: ..So the little monster kids didn't even bother me on my way back.

Sorcerer: That's something..The kids these days are well behaved.*sigh.What is the world turning into?

Siji: Nope..It's because of the Aura around me.See..even the TTE [Travelling Ticket Examiner] didn't ask me for the ticket.

Sorcerer: Soo..If I don't take bath for like 2 days..I get same Aura like you.Right?Poor T.TE..what all things they gotta put up with.
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..

Genius:...I have to go to this party and my girl friend said..I better be presentable.Lots of hot chicks in there I presume!!

Sorcerer:She must have meant..you should be  wearing your straight jacket.

__________________________+