Tuesday, January 31, 2012


This is the where I reveal my stint with my first ever drink of alcohol.A honest confession-almost.

There was a time in life, when the smell of alcohol made me gag or seeing a person drunk walking floating around the street cheating gravity, and doing the Chinese Diplomatic Dance [One Step Forward: Two Steps Back] with elegance that will put butterflies to shame, gave me the creeps.

I am talkin about those good younger days, when we are young and small and we can stare with wide eyes at the bosoms of a woman, without getting a STARE back, but the woman, they will smile back at you with a twinkle in their eyes and a candy smile.
Those young days, some woman will even come and caress your chin and ask for your name- if only they knew that such tokens of appreciation make us Men'Sperminators of the Future' or simply 'OMG!!Bad Men..like totally' or 'Staring Men..huh!'.

Okay, Lets continue to the main story with a sigh
*here there be sigh

I hail from a state called as KERALA, where MUNDU or LUNGI is the State fashion for men, worn in many styles. Somehow, my young brain failed to appreciate the physics , dynamics and billions of calculations a drunk guys' brain make per second to adjust their center of gravity  and how drunk men still manage to keep that 'ONE-PIECE cloth' around their waist-No strings attached.

Lack of appreciation for drunk men made me avoid them in buses or crowded elevators or simply any crowd.[ I am talkin about those days when drunk men on the street were a rarity ,like 1 in 50 . This was  before alcohol consumption surpassed the expectations of State Statistical Department and was hailed as 'State Drink']

My analytical mind came to this STUPID conclusion that alcohol is BAD!!
[Guys...Guys..Dont frown and dont try to find my home on the map.I said I was young and STUPID then.Alright?]
Yes I agree, I wreck the 'stupid curve'.

I failed to appreciate the 'beautiful drunk butterflies' [Let me make it up for the failed appreciations for the drunk.] on the street , their skills in jumping right up in front of a speeding bus and still magically managing to avoid becoming, a hood ornament. Even Houdini can't do such magic, sober.

Those days, I never wondered on their skill in not spilling the contents of their stomach(A cultural item called 'Valu Vekkal') when moving in a state sponsored roller coaster ride inside a crowded K.S.R.T.C.

I never tried to understand, the 'Lingua-Alcoholica'-The skill of a drunk person to speak in different languages, especially, English and many dialects of it or come up with awesome swear words.[Trust me there are words and meanings even GOOGLE will turn up zilch].
It took me a few years to learn that, alchol relaxes and frees up the throat muscle, that controls commonsense and music sense . Any one when drunk can sing awesomely loud and beautiful. Drunk people can fart music from both ends, mono or in sync with each end.Bottom line is Music sounds better with booze.

I looked at them with disgust, when they slept like a lil baby on the pavement, hugging the Garbage-Can or standing all drowsy, hugging the mail box or a parked car. They sleep in awkward Yoga Positions, that can challenge a certified Yoga Guru. I never understood, 'spirit'uality and the inner peace they experienced at those levels. I heard, some drunk men complain about 'headache' or 'hangover' which comes as the side effect of this spirituality.

So having failed, to understand, all the beautiful things associated with alcohol and its consumption, I chose to stay away from alcohol. Even made myself a promise that I will die an Alchol-Virgin.
[These days you die a virgin if you don't have alcohol.Aint it?. Alcohol makes things bigger.]

It's funny when I think about it now.. I even thought it's a SIN..hahahaha..SIN..can you believe how stupid I was , then.
Yeah,rrrrrrrrrright, Not much of a difference now, eh?..Thank you.


Like every guy, it all began at a campus. Maxpayne was at large, then, at the campus.
Campus does prepare us to deal with life beeg time. You meet all kind of people in campus from Loan Sharks to pimps, Drug lords to smart asses. It is because of this edumacation that you feel so comfortable, dealing with people in real life. [ Real life=Life Outside Campus or Anything  that you pay with your earned money]

Even in campus, I tried to stay away from alcohol. Not because I was not in that 'gang' or I didn't get the chance. I was well connected with some 'Talented and Certified alcohol Gurus' of the campus, who guzzles spirit like a hummer, but still I chose not to consume alcohol. We had a few 'consumers' in our 'Close Friendship Group'. Those were our flag bearers, for any parties. They represent our gang, for any 'Alcohol related competitions', in and around the campus.

Most of them were 'Okay' after getting drunk, though some spontaneously combust and pick up a fight with a street lamp or fall in love with a parked vehicle, scent marking it all over with you know what.

Every day after the night out, these guys will have stories, legends and folktales to say about their previous nights experience with the drink, their adventures with a few chicks in the campus and from neighbouring campuses.

We know that, these stories are made on the spot. We 'non-drinkers', listen to these stories done on H.D Clarity,  with a suppressed smile. As a matter of fact,  these party animals were partying all night listening to FM radio on somone's terrace, sharing a bottle of local drink. Only females they were close to at that time, would be the wall paper of semi clad chicks  on their mobile phone screens and in their phone image galleries.


The day I got drunk..hmm...I think it was a night. Yes it was at night. I feel sad that, this memorable day, doesn't get into the history book with an mm:dd:yy-HH:MM:AM/PM format.

The guy who initiated me to this sacred art of boozing was 'Ekalavya-in-Booz art' himself. Sherin, was his name. [ Yes. It is a unisex name in mallu land.This name fits all hair types]

I would be doing a great injustice to my 'guru' if I don't write a few words about him.
My booze guru, is an Ekalavya of this art. He was addicted to 'cough syrups', when he was a toddler. He drank real alcohol, when he was in class 6, thinking that, it is 'arishtam' [Ayurvedic medicine compound], only to realise it later that it was 'Viplavarishtam'. His eyes was illiterate then, to understand the difference. He was apprehended and grounded for this lil act of wildness, by his family.

As someone said, "Every great journey starts with one small sip".So was in his case too. He went on to become the............. The Booze-Man.
Now he teaches the n00bs in the art of booze.

Phase 1:
Pouring It with Ice: Booze-Man has only good things to say about alcohol. He says, he can smell a potential 'drunkard' from a distance. He says, he gets a 'feel' to it. When he identifies people with 'certain capacity', he forwards them email about 'Advantages of having wine'/ research reports from around the world on alcohol consumption.

Research Says :"Alcohol does not make you FAT ! It makes you LEAN.... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and people."

Thats just the start.

Phase 2:
The Entrance Test: He will put you through obstacle course. His tests are equivalent to the test held by  some very reputed 'spy/space' agencies. This test Mostly happens via electronic media.
Have a good look at the picture . What do you see?

If you noticed the 'BAR" sign before you noticed the GIRL you are a potential alcoholic.

Phase 3:
Dream Selling: This is where you are given, class on good effects of drinking. It's random class,which happens while, having lunch/driving/lab/library.
The preachers from this 'Booze' group gives you, 'Fun Facts',' Statistical Figures' and their testimonials about being with virgins and unicorns after they got drunk.
Some even promise Nirvana at the cost of a beer.


In my case, I didnt take the above Booze-Course.
On this historic day, I was simply caught between a few Booze-Gurus and a high compound wall. The ratio of non-alcoholic was 2:10 in this small 'gated community'.
There were just 2 of us 'non-drinkers'. Initially, we were given the responsibility of managing the fire extinguishers/fire, if any one of them or the house catches fire during the event of the booze-party. We were also required to bring 'clean water' to mix with alcohol, because toilet trips are common during this event and drunk people can mix up between their taps. We was the SUPPORT GROUP.

Booze-Man kept 2 extra glasses for us. US? US NON DRINKERS?

"Whose gonna drop you all back home when 'we' are drunk?" - We asked
"It's just a practice, we pour for everyone" replied the Booze-Man with a smile.

Well, We fell for it.
We were under the 'TRANCE' of this magical moment.

As the famous poet King Julian would put it

My head is vacant
My head is nude
My head is crownless
Dark is my mood

The Dark took over. We both non drinkers were supposed to say "Cheers", and dedicate the drink to 'deep cleavages for the sun to shine' with everybody and keep the glass down without drinking.
Instead, I took the sip from the glass..with everyone.I was on 'Auto Pilot'.
I expected a round of applauds on my 'initiation ceremony'. But nobody wanted to encourage me.
Any way, I am happy that my first drink was dedicated to 'deep cleavages'.
Later I was told that 'Handbook for the drunk' says ."Never encourage a n00b drinker. The enlightenment has to be from within"

It tasted like alcohol when going down. I learned that it's not the taste that helps you down it. It's the spirit that helps you drink.
Somehow , somewhere , I knew that, soon my nose and tongue will turn numb. I was dieing to experience the Nirvana/Narnia as they promised.



I didn't like the way the show started, but they had given me the best seat in the house: front row center.

There was chatter, there was laughter. People streamed stories from their memory database. Somehow, every story had a girl, who is hour-glass shaped, whose moons= would cause a high tide when she goes swimming in the seas.
The alcohol is meant to be a white-winged maiden that would lift you to heaven with chicks resembling Monica Belluci.
I don't know about Heaven, but I started believing in angels..I was getting close to their Victoria's Secret-angel catalogue. Everything was getting as clear as vodka.

I was experiencing zero gravity. I was in hyper time. I became a time traveller. Your own thoughts echo in your ears. You can hear your inner conscious speak to you, like a nagging B**ch in a broken down car on a first date.

The world around you moves in super slow motion. When the people around you, nod their heads, you see their head moving up and down in super slow motion as if their necks are equipped with Magnetic Active shock absorbers. In my own words..It was awesome.
You ever heard the expression 'Words hanging in the air'. I even experienced that.

I learned the hard way that, the hard part about the drink party is standing up from sitting position. I tried to chase my mind away from the 'nagging feeling' at the crotch. I badly needed a bio-break. The mind bounced back to the crotch, like a ball thrown at the wall. I wanted to take a leak......bad.

I made lot of trigonometric calculations on what angles my limbs and body must be, to stand up from the sitting position. After a lot of failed scenarios , grabbing frantically in the air and mathematical models, I launched myself up by pushing down on a guy sitting next to me.

Getting up was the hard part?I was wrong. It was walking..that was the HARDEST part.
The problem with the drink is that, you dive into the soul of the universe, that you can even feel the way the earth orbits around the sun at a freaking speed.

Like pigeons and blue whales, drunk people navigate by the magnetic polar thingy of the earth.
The nervously flickering light bulb near the toilet door was my guiding light. The guiding star for my wish for a pishhhh.
I blinked back at the flickering light bulb.
AHA!! I was cheating gravity.I was walking... One small step for man  and I was nervous about the giant leaps.
I felt like I was in a video game. I knew how the little ping -pong ball felt in the video game.
When I lost my direction, someone spun me around in the correct direction.

The shortest  path between 2 points A and B was zigzagged. Finally after many turns and spin me arounds, I reached near the toilet.

I opened the door and found Narnia Nirvana.

I had a few more drinks. Somebody switched on the BOOM BOX and..then it all went downhill from there.