.::READING SIGNS::.

One of my unfortunate friend found it hard to sleep at night, cuz something was bothering him.

"Bothers a man, hard things will"-Sorcerer

He was 'actually' not 'sure' if a certain girl liked him. This thought of her made him hard to sleep.[Hmm...These sentences, are supposed to sound a bit weird.]

According to him "She is crazy".

We, a panel of 'experts' told him that its just the weather acting up on her and anyone experiencing heat would make people act crazy. [No Pun intended]. We based our 'awesome' conclusion on this 'proven' fact that ; if a girl loves you she will ignore you like America ignoring Mexico.

My knowledgeable friend who has close encounters with the woman kind gave deep insight into the working of the complex 'love system.' He says that if a girl loves you she will ignore you.She wont even pick your phone calls.She would give you 'those' looks. She would even change the usual road she takes so as 'not' to see you. Her eyes would widen up, pretty scary though.These inputs or rather we may call facts come from my knowledgeable friend's own experience with the many girls he 'planned' to court, whom he says had extreme 'crush' on him.

Inorder to understand or as people wearing lab coats say, "decipher" if_a_girl_sees_you_That_way let us see some parameters.

1)Eye Contact.

Yes! To see if she is making eye contact, you have to see her face which is quiet a few inches above where you would normally be looking. If a girl is ' kinda Checking you out' [Refer: Aiswarya Rai in the movie Dhoom], she probably likes you. If a girl, really likes you she would be making direct eye contact.Make sure you are not wearing mickey mouse tattoo on your forehead.[Girls tend to get distracted by color.]

Make sure that you 'notice' her eye contact. Grab her face and look deep into her eyes. Widen her eyes and find out if her pupils are dilated.If her pupils are dilated, Wow!! you have managed to get into her arteries.
If her pupils are not dilated, don't get discouraged, a few beers would dilate everything you need.


2)Body Language.

This is another way to know if a woman likes you.Watch her closely.If she is attracted to you she would turn a bluish pink color, cuz of the 'internal pressure' of being attracted to you.
When she is talking to you she would end every sentence with a moan. She would be looking deep into your eyes and would be rubbing her hands on the skin giving you those looks .
She stares at u like someone on a diet for 3 weeks would stare at a bowl of chocolate fudge with whipped cream and extra chocolate sauce[ooohh la la].

She would be all over you like spilled hot coffee on your T-shirt. She would say "Oh yeah!!" or "yes" everytime you ask her something.She would laugh and giggle more than usual cuz you make her nuts with the sardar jokes you googled and learned by heart.

She would make the expression on her face like 'Shakeela', when Shakeela is applying nail polish.[Yes, Mallu porn do have a 'touching' story-line.].


3)Focus

When a girl is attracted to you, she would ask you personal questions, cuz the focus is always you. The questions would be very personal like

a)If you were a waiter and a customer was being rude, would you spit in their food?
'Spit' is the key word.

b)What was your first date like?
She just wanted to know who paid the bill.So answer it straight.

c)If you suddenly found yourself turned into a woman, how would you spend your day?
Asking stupid questions would be a very proper answer.

d)If you could be invisible, where would you go and what would you do?
Muaahahahahahaahahahah..Do an evil laugh and the rest is self explanatory.

She would be interested in every minor details about your life, especially how many girls you had dated.[Which ofcourse is a myth like the UFO]So do your math perfectly and make sure that it's an odd number.She would be like the Windows Operating system, always asking you for some confirmation or approval. Don't get pissed off cuz you asked for it.

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The experts panel in the end told my friend to closely watch the 'Crazy Female' and bring us a detailed field report to help them come to a conclusion, if she is 'interested' in my friend.

A helping mind is a good thing. No?

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.::INTERVIEW QUESTIONS::.

This post is about how to face certain interview questions. In-depth analysis and factors are given for certain questions.
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Q1)Does this make me look fat?

Analysis: This is a trick question.The answer you give should always match random parameters.
Like!!! Your car has 4 tires. Color 'blue' is made of four letters.So if the dress is of color blue say Yeah!!! I laiked it.

Probable Answers:

A)No!!! With a cherry on top, you would sweetly resemble a fancy wedding cake.

B)Marvelous thing, the skin is.Don't you think?

c)Depends on the price tag, actually!!

d)Only on the top and the bottom.

e)Nope! But I wanna see you fit in it.Would be fun! Would you let me watch?

f)Nope! It doesn't, it just makes it large.

g)Honey!! Please don't use the F Word.

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Q.2)Do you love me?

If you think, this question has strategic importance..NOPE! This is just another random question asked out of sheer boredom. This question gives you a false feeling of being 'important.' These questions are just to give a work out to your brain and to distract you from the football match on T.V. If you think answering this will eventually lead you to bed and get 'lucky', do try and find a good name for your pillow.

Probable Answers:

1)There is no sports on T.V. Of course I do .

2)Do you have a headache?

3)Don't tell me you 'accidentally' erased my phone book.

4)You saw me staring at the other chick.Didn't ya?

5)Did I forget your birthday? [ Run as fast as your legs could carry you.]

6)Err...What did I do wrong?Tell me..Tell me..Tell me..

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Q3)Do you love me for my brains or my body?

I know guyz, you know the answer and you are pretty sure about it. But, you know why Galelio was burned, cuz he told the truth. [ We are supposed to lie!*sigh]
Yeah! We all believe in the simple and proven theory..Seeing is believing and there is another simple and proven theory "woman scorned, like which fury Hell hath .No?"
So

Probable Answers:

1)I love those brains .[Use your gesture to point at 'those'.]

2)Wow! That's an intelligent question coming from a saexy body!

3)I love beer.

4)All of the above. [Stress the above part]
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Q4)How many other women have you slept with?

Consider yourself lucky, if you are faced with such a question, atleast someone thinks you 'have it in you' to get laid. No matter what you say, who ever asked you the question has an 'odd number' in her mind .[ It is an old math equation, explained in detail in the movie 'American Pie'.]

Probable Answers:

1)The other women don't let me sleep actually. *sigh[Audible Sigh plz]

2)Grab her hands and say, "I need more fingers.."

3)errr!! hmmm....errrr...hmmm...Errr....hmmm...

4)Do I look like Tiger Woods?

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Q5)Are you listening to me?

This is the toughest question ever invented by the female kind. We all know how much we care about "broken nail" and 'healthy hair'.We know we have better things to think about like..."Nuclear Deal", " Global warming" and at the same time virtually (with deep and profound thinking)undress the hot chick sitting left of you.

But, This question is powerful question and is equivalent to electric shock. Anyone can be shaken alive to the reality by this question.

"This is an art,practice, you have to"-Yoda

It is of utmost importance to see that, she does not ask you the question "Are you listening to me" in the first place.
For that

1) Always say..hmmm..okay...Uh huh!!..Oh!! hmmm... yeah...etc.

2)Nod your head.

3)Dedicate 8 bit in your memory to track the last word of every sentence she is saying. Repeat the same word for 'added' effect, so that she will continue to talk leaving you unharmed.

4)Have a constipated grimace on your face. This saves a lot of trouble.

Most of the time, these above 4 step process will bail you out of that question.
But if you still manage to get that question... Congrats!
Let us see some possible answers to get you out of that 'situation'.

1)I was listening to you, but then my train of thoughts derailed.

2)I got lost in your deep [subsitute color of her eyes] eyes. [**Does not work when over telephone]

3)Yeah! I agree, you are right! You are completely right!

4)What makes you think I was not listening to you? [A bit of threat will add more effect to it]

5)Yeah!! And I need to upgrade my machine's RAM and upgrade the processor.
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Q6)What should I wear tonight?

If she really knows you, she wont ask you this question.

Gal:I got a party tonight.Was wondering..what I should be wearing

Sorcerer:Hmm... Actually...

Gal:NOOOO..Sorc..Nooo..I don't wanna know..I don't wanna know..I wont wonder any more..I swear sorc!

Sorcerer:Good!

*sigh!!

Probable Answers:

1)Something that's easy to get out of.Time is precious, ya know!

2)Wear something that matches your intelligence [ Metaphorical way of saying..NOTHING]

3)Something that doesn't require dangerous weapons to hold it up like...safety pins and later make me take a T.T injection.

4)Do you still have your pre school uniform?

5)Fire proof lingerie?

6)I would look saexy on you.

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Basically!! Don't fumble when answering questions. This shows your lack of confidence.
Good luck!! You would need it a lot!
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.::CONVERSATIONS::.

Sorcerer: :(

Susie: Still on flu?

Sorcerer:Hmm.. and my voice disappeared.

Susie:Your friends must be happy and they must be elated.

Sorcerer:You..scored Susie..
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Sorcerer: achooo..achooo...all day long since 2 days

Rashmi: Kaise?

Sorcerer: Flu..flu!!

Rashmi: M sure u don't pet pigs do u?

Ohhhk

Sorcerer: You are so far away!!..

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Genius:So, your cousin went for an 'Industrial Visit ' to Goa?

Sorcerer:Hmm...

Genius: He is into computers right?Goa?Computers?

Sorcerer: He is there to see softwares.
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Wiseguy:Hearing aid?

Sorcerer:Nope!! I don't do phone sex.
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Sorcerer:Maturity..is not getting angry at your elder cousin

Cousin:F[Beep[ Off..

Sorcerer:That...my friend..is maturity.
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Genius:Sorc!! ya know.. the climate is so hot, scarcity of water, I think future humans will grow a hump.

Sorcerer:Even when they are not watching porn.right?

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Genius: Ya know..dude, it was so hard to get over my first affair.

Wiseguy:Hmm..She must be HUUUGEEE!!!
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.::KIDDOS::.

This blog post will help all those fortunate ones to deal with a kid.[ Most of these are tested and tried on neighbor's kid and my own cousin when he was a kid.]

Kid is like a bad sector error on your hard disk. Once born, its there for ever.The worst part, they grow into teenagers, unlike a bad sector error.
Was I not a kid? Well!! The scientists call it dark age and such awesome events are not properly documented.Lucky you!
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"They look cute on T.V in those stupid dress."- A college goer on Kid.
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Apart from that cuteness which is used to camouflage all the evil they posses, they are mostly good for nothing miniature humans.Many of these miniature humans are born out of sheer ignorance or excitement or power-cuts or days when your cable guy screwed up the E.S.P.N sports broadcast or all the reason taken together, including people getting totally drunk and forgetting about the purpose of life all together.

Medical journals call the symptom of abnormal growth of female tummy as S.T.D to some people's disappointment cuz, its not the usual gas which can go away by eating pudin hara.
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How to make a kid

Ingredients:

1)Male: 1 No
2)Female(s): According to taste.
3)Invisible Oil : 20 tonnes.
4)Vaseline : 2 Kilo
5)Hand cuffs or Alcohol/wine : Depending on availability.

Making Kid

Apply ingredient 4 on the door knob, lots, whole lots, that will keep any/all kids[Stupid Curious Relative Kiddos], in your home engaged and away while you are inside your kitchen..I mean..bedroom making a kid.

Making the kid is a three stage process. The first stage is called, foreplay.
Here both 1 and 2 ingredients, peel off their dresses. The ingredient 2 wears high heels and the ingredient 1 wears black socks, like in those awesome educational movies. Some ingredients are not confident being completely nude.[Ethical issues..hmm.]

This is where we marinate the chick or the female. Treat the female with alcohol or wine.[yeah!! Alcohol is better for the desired effect!].A dash of lemon is preferred.This adds flavor. Alcohol reduces resistance and also will make you look cute.

Ingredient 1 applies ingredient 3 (Invisible oil) all over the ingredient 2.Make use of your fingers to lavishly apply the invisible oil all over the nook and corners of ingredient 2. If there are more ingredient 2's then you would envy the octopus.[*sigh].

In response ingredient 2 will start to sizzle in the frying pan[Bed], which can be identified by various sounds[Other than in C minor, which is accompanied by pungent smell.Some morons find that cute and saexy too!!]. Most of the time the sound coming from the sizzzling ingredient 2 is like that reminds you of leaking cycle pump.

Follow the instruction on your shampoo bottle while applying invisible oil."Apply directly over wet hair and work into creamy lather. Leave on for a few minutes, Rinse,Repeat as needed, For best result use regularly.

Ingredient 2(s) will turn a deep lemon green color, when sizzled for quiet a long time.This is the right time for stage 2.

Second Stage is called "Stupidity"

This is the stage where you take your mobile phone and dial 1800-S.T.O.R.K. You will be put through a series of switching stations. Finally, when your call is answered, you can order a kid, which will be delivered at your door step, by Mr.Stork. Please note that, there is no customized kids. All kids are manufactured in the same assembly line and scientists say, you can customize the kids according to your taste when it is delivered to you.

It is better if you are calling this number before 10:00 PM. Mostly the 1800-S.T.O.R.K line gets busy after 10:00 PM.[Apparently!!]. These calls are not Toll Free.

Third Stage is called "Aftermath".

This is when all the math of the ingredient 2 goes wrong.Ingredient 1 can smoke a cigarette to reduce the bad taste in the mouth or watch sports on T.V or have a beer till Mr.Stork delivers the baby package at your door step.

A master chef, Mr.Vathsyana has written a wonderful recipe book about making babies.It must be available in all leading book stalls on the top shelf.
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Kids don't have any economic importance other than adding to the population statistics and scaring the shit out of various ministries that deal with agriculture.Kids are those things that get between your legs, when you are doubling the way to the loo or the one who claim your couch, remote control and give you a high decibel shreek when you snatch the remote control or try to kick them off the couch.

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How can you identify a home having kids?

Well not all homes put out the warning sign out side the gate "Beware of kids.". A home having a hyperactive kid can be found by 'broken window', various prehistoric drawing of "moma, popa and kiddo" on the walls of the cave[Read:Home]. Various amputated body parts of toys can be found spread around the walk way or outside the home. The pets in their home wont look natural. Dalmatian dog can be found spotting red/orange/green spots made out of crayons or sketch pens. Cat would be seen with a plated tail or a knot on the tail. Ring the bell and if you are really lucky, the so called 'kid' would be opening the door to welcome you with the evil smile wearing nothing more than an underwear.
Or
You can see the feathers of Mr.Stork in the garden or a stripped Mr.Stork hiding behind the bushes.
I rest the case on their curiosity.
Or
You would simply slip and fall, in a pool of luke warm water, down the stairs or slip and fall in the dining hall etc. Don't get surprised, they are just marking their territory. It's a prehistoric instinct.
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Behavior Pattern:

They don't have a particular behavior. They suffer from personality disorder.Some even show dual personality at the same time. Such can be observed when they play with their stupid dumb toys and barbie dolls.
At one time they want to be a cow boy, next hour they want to be the fire man, or a footballer, most of the time they want to get spanked big time.The most predictable behavior pattern is, when they are seen concentrating at a imaginary octagon at the horizon, be sure that the room will be filled with a pungent smell sooner or later.Such case, you can excuse yourself, and go get some fresh air till the kiddos owner comes and change the garbage bag. [Read:Diaper].

The awesome writer, thinks, skunks and kids show the same behavior when threatened. If a kid peed on you or in extreme cases, pooped on you when you are holding the tiny lil cute thingy!! understand this...this is their way of saying "You have a B.O [Body Odor]. Get away from me."

Kids also can spit.Some stupid kids behave like Llama.They spit when they are excited, and the stupid kid thinks that is funny! They grab at everything and are not restricted under any laws. [*sigh]
They acquire amazing knowledge on ACME products by watching Cartoon Network and Pogo[Stupid Pokemon].
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Taking care of kids:

Kids are scavengers, they know to take care of themselves. Kids feed on nutritious substances like, food crumbs on dining table, under or over it. They do not have such complexes. They eat anything and everything.A kid can be seen scavenging all around the home, tasting almost everything.They use their cute opposable thumbs to fish out crumbs of biscuits from the crack of couch and nourish themselves with awesome nutrients.

A kid can also be fed red bull energy drink to make them taller sharper stronger.
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Use of kids:

• A kid can be used as an alarm that goes on at completely wrong time.
• A kid can be used as a dumbbell.
• A kid can clean your floors.
• A kid can sniff out old socks and things from under the table or from the dark corners in your room.
• A kid is stupid, that adds to the entertainment factor when you are looking at the kid through a binocular.
• If there is a kid in your home,you can have illicit relation with barely legal baby sitter.
• A kid can be used as a hub for 'social' networking with neighbor chicks.
• A kid can be a nice conversation starter.."Haha..look at that dumb kid..."
  

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Saving your dear life:

If you ever come across a kid, do not..I repeat..do not cross the path. Do not maintain eye contact. Eye contact makes you inferior in front of the kid. Always maintain a low profile in front of the kid. Just try and mingle with the crowd.Always keep something on your lap, empty lap attracts kids, soon your lap will become a roller coaster ride for the entire family of kids.

If you see a kid with a stone in hand, don't second guess RUN!!!! Kids have exceptionally good hand eye coordination and thus good aim.
Never ask a kid to sing or recite a rhyme. They kinda get shy at first[Yeah! like certain spiders trying to lure the pray], but soon you will ask for mercy and would be in the verge of tears for them to stop singing/reciting stupid poems again and again and again and again.
Never fight with a kid. If you are a male, your vital components are exposed royally for a 'head butt' from the kid. Remember kids have extra thick skull.
Lollipop is a good collateral to get your car key/mobile phone etc back from a kid. When they say "I am gonna throw it" Stupid kid means it. [*sigh]
Never wrestle with a kid and a pig.
Never argue with a kid, they are good with math and knows everything about the world around them.
Children love stories and you don't know any.Talk about Newton's laws of physics and things, when they ask you for bed time story.They are supposed to leave you alone.
Never come in between a kid and ice-cream truck/last slice/piece of anything sweet.
Never volunteer to repair a broken toy.[*sigh]

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If you love kids, feed them vegetables. They simply love it.

Read another blog post on Girl Kid.
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.::NICK NAME::.

Nick names are awarded to persons, who show certain unique characteristics from the normal Homo Sapien behavior.Nick names are scientific names given to an individual by the society to uniquely identify that individual from the rest of the group. Nick names are also awarded to teachers and professors out of sheer frustration or amusement of the students, some of these names are passed down from generation to generation.

People with curly hair become 'Noddle Head'. People who always win arguments by stating laws and theorems become EDD[ Normally Called DD!! hmm..Where have I heard that before].

I know of a certain person named "Cuckoo Aneesh."

Your guess is right, his real name is Aneesh. So why is he named after the cuckoo bird. Well the person who gave him the nick name has obvious reasons for it.

Now, if you think that he sings well, Nope, thank God he does not. Actually, when God was handing out talents he was checking out the menu card of Eat at Saint's.

In order to understand how aptly he is named, let us see some fundamental details about cuckoo bird. Cuckoo bird is cunning, it sings beautifully and it lays its eggs in other bird's nest.
As I said, Cuckoo Aneesh, doesn't sing.[*Phew].
But
Cuckoo Aneesh is very cunning.Nope! He doesn't lay eggs and I don't mean 'cunning' in that sense. He lays his thick college text books in other people's bag. You know how hard it is to carry around 'Comprehensive' information. Cuckoo Aneesh knows that, normally a college goer carries a bag to 'advertise' that he is going to college. Naturally, if you come out of the home without the bag, you got to face the question "Where you going?". The bag is self explanatory.

Everyone who sees you in the morning with the bag, will come the conclusion, "Oh!! So this guy is going to college."
A bag gives you the 'student' status and enables you to claim the 'student concession' in public transport system.

Cuckoo Aneesh also knows that, the college goer never opens the bag, especially the inner 'compartments' of the bag, where he strategically deposits the eggs...I mean his books, So his books are safe like the mummified Egyptian thingies.

So an unsuspecting classmate of his will carry his thick text book everyday. All Cuckoo Aneesh needs to do is claim the textbook without his classmate's knowledge in the morning and deposit it back before his class mate goes home.

So for this unique characteristics of laying books in other people's bag he is given the nick 'Cuckoo' Aneesh.Cool. No?
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