Alright...Long time, I've been here. Well, of course, I was really having a fun time a few months back. But these days, Karma is hunting me like a blond having a bad hair day armed with a shot gun.
Anyway,I decided to update my blog with a new series,"What they don't teach you at Harvard, No matter What".Sounds pretty lame, but that's the whole point.
w00t!!!
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Over the years, in the corporate world, I have worked in many positions.[Naaa..Not talking about those from Kamasutra,Perfumed Garden or Positions of the Tao or the Pentagon's Favorite..Middle-East position.Apart from the last one, I know you would Google up the first 3! Wickid!!.]
I dedicate this blog-post to a few of my awesome managers, who have been my perspiration from the very beginning in my career life.Thanks, without you people I would never have understood that there are Aftershaves that smell flowery.Thank you Pansies for whole new dimension of enlightenment.
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There are times in our corporate life, when we look up the corporate tree and see hairy butts staring right back at us.
These Butts can be classified into 3 Categories. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. It's a UNISEX definition.The gender doesn't matter here cuz they all gonna screw you and you still remain a virgin, strictly from a technical point of view.
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The Good Managers.
Good managers are a myth.It's like a corporate fantasy.They are rare like vegetable pieces in hostel food.
The Good managers only exist on 'Naughty America-Naughty Office' p0rn series. Their office is well lighted, has a couch [Get it?] usually black, has a broken computer and very firm desk which can withstand hurricane forces of Category 5.
The good managers are usually female.
They give you
a)good job [Khi khi khi],
b)make you work really hard or make it really hard for you to work.[Both ways, you WILL love it]
c)Even let you spank them.
d)All of the above.
*sigh
Yes guyz, good managers like these come with .Mpeg Extension.
*sigh
The Bad Managers
Bad Managers exist because, it's illegal to carry shotguns to the office.Having said that, let me describe them in details.
To start with, they have bad breath and they make you laugh with their reasoning abilities in brain storming sessions.Guys, only way to supress your laugh in such brain storming sessions is to wear tight underwear.
They are gifted with crumbs of IQ. They LOVE to have meetings every half an hour to 'Get the work done', which would otherwise happen smooooothly.They are more considerate towards the Coffee cup than the team they are handling.They love to read reports and not really intersted in what's COOKIN!.
Let's construct a possible conversation with a BAD MANAGER and his Wife
Bad Manager:Honey..I am Home!!!
Bad Manager's wife:Oohh!! I was waiting for you.You...hmmmmm...You wanna do it?[wink]
Bad Manager:Nope!! Just send me the report.
Yes, and we conclude that they love to get the thing done, but they don't like the 'details' part.
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They are always on schedule for lunch and coffee breaks.Bad managers in good mood tells joke, which is a very bad thing considering their IQ level;but you can't help it but suffer in silence like a fart in elevator.
They buy 'Ecnomic Times' just to swat flies. They login on chat clients pretending to be '16 year old female' alone at home with a broken nail just hanging out on the Internet for fun'.
Some make productive use of the internet to trade in stocks to buy migrane tablets.Some 'research' on the internet for latest MMS Scandal.That's when they become BAD Bad Manager sitting with legs crossed staring at the computer screen with eyes wide open.It's their way of making the obvious 'point' very clear to you.
They are very good motivators,when they are away from office.
The common words/phrases a bad manager use are .
"Are we clear?","Send me the report","Okay","Nope","Send me the report","Do it","Email","Call","Meeting","Conference","Send me the report","Box","Expectation","Low"."Send me the report", "and your point is...","FYI","ASAP",BTW".
As for you,you just need to learn "WTF".[Don't say it aloud though]
They also mimic certain traits from the animal kingdom.They make certain sounds, when they are confused, angry, upset, confused,before every sentence, after every sentence, confused, over the phone ; most of the time they are confused like a blonde with a vaccum cleaner.["err...I heard it 's for suck...Where do I suck it?"]
"Aaaaaaa...." Means they are confused and really don't know how to confuse you.Usually used at the begining of sentence to buy some time or trying to figure out words which are beyond your comprehension like Holidays,Day off,Vacation etc
Example:Aaaaaaaa...So...you seee...aaaaa....yeah....the Procurment....aaaaaa...Whats the date today?"
"hmmmmm...." Means the bad manager is confused[as usual]. If you are a girl, he is confused about your Cup Size and if you are a guy he is thinking about hiring a HOT Chick instead of you.
Example:Hmmmmm......And you were saying....[Yes!! He was defenitely "Staring"]
"Aaaahaaaaa....."Means, he has found a good reason to fire you or make you sound like a total moron.
Example:Aaaahahaaaa..Thats a nice idea.Thank God you told me that.Yes we can size down the team that way and still get going.
"Ha ha ha ha ...." Means he is laughing at his own joke.
Example:Ha ha ha ha ha..I saw this guy running behind a bus..hahahahaha...ya know...running...behind....hahahahaha..bus.
"Uh oh" Means your fly is unzipped [If you are a guy] or it could mean that the FONT you chose for the report is BURNING his eyes.
Example:Uh oh!!When did we start printing reports on toilet papers!
"I seeeeeeeee....." Seriously, he means it.He is visualizing you as a jackass trying to climb the empire state building without harness.
Example:I seeeeeeee.....Sooo....You do it.
"Oooh...." Means the coffee is too hot for him or he is surprised that with him screwing the whole project beeg time you manage to get it done.Yeah, he is surprised at his own incompetence.
Example:OOoh!! We finished on time !/?.
"That aaaaaa......" Serious case of Vocabulary deficiency in the diet.Nooo..Don't help him out with words, its fun to see them gesture with the hands, I mean..putting the words in motion.
Example:What do you call that aaa.....that aaaa....Ya know...that aaa.....
I don't want to be so mean..I mean they are usually harmless, other than their jokes and their fantasy like a Knight in shining pink tutu.
Only escape from these managers is to wear those T-Shirt saying "Up Yours".Well...some people take it for granted and ' Bad things happen', so, seriously, do it at your own risk.
The Ugly Managers
As the words suggest, they are UGLY. Noo..Not how they look, but how they act.They throw tantrums more than a woman having 'one of those days' and a 'bad hair day' combined.They exist in the corporate world because, they are very counter productive and has connections.They have High blood pressure and low IQ.[Same Species..dood].They would have become extinct if certain latex products didnt hold on to their low production standards.They are endangered and they endanger our lives.
They speak in High decibel volume.They live in a fantasy of bondage games and think that everyone is scared of them.Certain Ugly Managers learn the reality the hard way ,during Terrace Parties.
They speak sense, according to them, which make no sense what so ever.They have awesome analytical skills.They can distinguish between coffee and tea.
They shout at you cuz he is the BOSS at work.[Yes! he sleeps on the floor every night and wakes up with a cramped neck.Understandable.] He is getting paid for shouting..word per word.
They know evvvvvvvvvvvvrrryyything like where the paper clip is and where to find 'solitaire' games on windows.
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A Conversation which happened with a Manager of an International MNC.
Me:Hello!! Madam. I am calling from Kasaragode.
Manager:Errr..Why are you calling here, You should be calling Bangalore.This is the State Operations for Kerala.
Me:I Said...I am calling from Kasaragode and I am calling my Corporate HQ.
Manager:Well..You should call Bangalore,Karnataka.Kasaragode is in Karnataka.
Me:*Sigh!!!Okay. Madam...Last time I checked which was like 2 minutes ago, Kasaragode is Still the Northern District in Kerala.
Manager:You should Call Bangalore.
See..I told ya...They KNOW EVERYTHING!!! They even have certificates to prove that they acquired this stupidity by paying huge fee in our countries reputed institutions.
Ps:It's natural to miss geographical facts.But its Okay to LISTEN and Understand.There is nothing wrong in saying "SORRY!My Bad." "or.."I didn't hear you right the first time" ..It's a win-win situation rather than make a complete Pink ass out of themselves.
Trust me this way..it's more fun.
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Ugly managers are authorised to use the F word.They can and they Will.They exist on the TOP because they know how to make a complete ass out of you, thus making them more 'intellinent' in the circle. They love to 'see' the report and 'throw' it right back at you.
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Let's construct a possible conversation with an Ugly MANAGER and his Wife
Ugly Manager:I am home.
Ugly Manager_wife:Oohh!! I was waiting for you.You...hmmmmm...You wanna do it?[wink]
Ugly manager:Fcuk You.
Ugly Manager_Wife:Fcuk you too..
and that's how they live happily ever after.
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The Ugly Manager can be anywhere.You could win the Jack Ass award for "Wrong place at the wrong time" when you are around with these kind of managers.With a bit of effort, you can win it 5 times in a row.[After that It won't be called the "Jack Ass award"].
The best way to ESCAPE such managers is to wear clothes that match the wall paint of the office and BLEND into it. Stay slim so that you can hide behind Pillars and water dispensers.Walk below their visible range, even it means crawling, on the floor when moving from cubicle to cubicle.
They like to be in Control and thats reflected in the constipated grimace on their face.They are always in control, that's why they shout.Yeah it's good to make the gas escape through the upper vent other than in an offkey harmoney through the lower vent.
They steal things from you.They are paid to 'Steal' your ideas or research reports and make it the property of the Corporate in his name. That's how they encourage you big time.
These managers are kinda like a flu, you really dont' want them, but it's all over you.
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WARNING:If they have a big smile on their face, you are walking into an ambush
WARNING:If your reasoning is going according to your plan, you are defenitely walking into an ambush.
WARNING:If they are nodding their head,for everything you say, you are walking into ambush..beeg time.
WARNING: If they say "it's Alright".You are walking into an Am...Wait for it..bush.
WARNING:If they complement you for what you did and you smiled,ring up your loved ones.Cuz you just entered Ambush County!
Well!! Anyway.The whole point is Surviving them. The Rule of the game is "Not to take anything Personal."
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