.::COCONUTS::.

Coconut and Life. The unknown parallel, that's the title I can think about a real coconut.

In this blog post, we are going to find out the intricate link between coconut and human life.Coconuts is what 'distinguishes' Kerala from the rest of the world. A mallu is always proud of their coconuts. Poets have written awesomely beautiful lines about these 'lovely bunches'. Coconuts are trademark symbol for many things natural.
Mostly, coconuts are found on coconut trees and is usually green in color when in their teens.
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These coconuts fall down to earth because of some totally unforeseen reasons or because of bad luck of the person standing under it. The uses of coconuts are endless.

1)Coconuts are used to solve disputes between God and humans.

2)Coconut oil is applied on head to reflect sunlight, thus keeping the head of a typical mallu cool.

3)Coconut husk is used to wash cars, elephants and kids.

4)Coconuts are also used to solve disputes between 2 humans.

5)Coconut shell can be used as 'organic bra.'

6)Coconut shell with hole can be used as 'organic feeding bra'.

7)Communism thanks coconut leaves for it's amazing ability to protect protesters from sunlight.

8)Coconut tree is used as construction material, vantage point for capturing Video of mallu babes bathing in river or to escape from hyperactive neighbor dog 'Pintu Mon'.

Yes, the use of coconut is endless.
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Okay. I am supposed to compare coconut with life.

In life, problems falls on our head, just like a coconut.Right? Totally unpredicted random event.Now when a problem falls down on our head, it kinda hurts. What everyone does then is, look at the problem. Stare it for quiet a long time, [Till vision becomes clear].

We identify the problem, and we see that It is of course like the coconut hard to crack. Some people take time to appreciate the problem. They look at it from different angles and view points, only to finally agree that it's definitely a thick hard shelled problem that they have in their hands.

Some people show the gutts to solve the problem by breaking the surface. Then they slowly dig their way, into the problem layer by layer, clearing the husk of the problem. As they do it, they are so enthusiastic.They go like "WOW!!This is like plucking a chicken."Now as they reach the core of the problem,which is the shell, most of them stop.Many lose interest and give up. Give up just before they achieve their goal..*sigh

There is an old saying, "Coconut is hardest just before the fleshy eatable stuff."- Sorcerer ; "Night is darkest just before the dawn."- Some wise guy.

This is when you need to put a bit more effort, take the problem in your hands and just a lil smash and solve it for ever, and literally mean it when you say "cherish the success of your effort."

I believe in this theory that you can learn a lot from the nature and discovery channel.
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Note:You can't hatch a coconut by sitting on a it.

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"I want my coconuts shaken and stirred"- Shakkeela in Kinnarathumbikal
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.::CONVERSATIONS::.

How to feel like a Total Dumb ass early in the morning. A practical approach.

Morning, a wonderful time that gives you the momentum for the rest of the day. This blog post will teach you how to feel like a dumb ass all day long.

1)Wake up early in the morning.

2)Check mobile for 'missed call','Messages'.

3)Play "Nature park" on the mobile phone.

4)Get totally bored in less than 20 minutes. Explore 'SIM card' options,just out of sheer boredom.

5)Click through all options.

6)Accidentally activate "LAME JOKES " service option given by service provider by sending SMS.

7)Loose 30 INR in an instant.

8)Be surprised at how fast their computers are in deducting amount towards service charges.

9)Call up the customer care and cancel the activated service, and when asked explain to them how you can't stand their lame jokes.Sigh loudly and audibly.

Me:I want to cancel the Joke Service which I just now registered.

Customer Care:Why sir?

Me:I don't want that lame jokes to look dumb.Okay.

Customer care:Okay Sir.

Me:I mean..I didn't mean it that way..I meant..I am not dumb enough to read dumb jokes.

Customer Care:Understood Sir.

[Do they actually record these conversations?*sigh]


10)Stare up at the ceiling. Check the balance on phone again and again.

11)Feel like total dumb ass even before you set foot on earth from bed.

Awesome. No?
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Send Good Morning messages too all friends detailing how you lost 30 INR.
Wait for their responses and encouragement to perform such actions through out the day.

Still feel like a total dumb ass and is in need of some enlightenment.

Blog about it and wait for some encouragement.

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Genius[On Phone]: Okay baby. It should be color coded.
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Genius[On Phone]:It's not?Hmm..Just reach back and guess which hole is which.

Us:*Ahem *ahem...

Genius:Perverts...
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The upcoming engineers [My cousin's friends and me]; was randomly speaking about good things under the sun. At some point the whole conversation turned towards politics. Then we were cruising down the highways of MohanJe Daro and Harappa and the rich Indian Culture and things.
We were so awesomely proud about ourselves still managing to remember the Social Studies thingies we learned when we were kiddos.

When you put a bunch of intellectuals together, there is always a chance for disagreement when facts are stated.Right? We too had a disagreement over Ashok Sthambh. When you are with engineers, you better boil down your facts to the last of the decimal.

Intellectual 1:Haha ha..to you.

Intellectual 2: I know what is Ashok Sthambh .Okay!!

Intelectual 1:Oh yeah!! Tell us about it.

Intellectual 2:It has 4 lions. 1 lion is seen sitting with mouth cupped with hands, one is seen sitting with eyes cupped and one is seen sitting with its ears cupped.Since the 4th lion is behind we cant actually see what it is doing.

To give the n00bs some information about Ashok Sthambh.Click here

As you must have imagined, we were rolling on the floor and laughing. We were amazed how he managed to confuse the 3 wise monkeys with 4 lions.On top of it he was not really sure what the 4th Lion was doing.

Info on 3 wise monkeys

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.::ALCOHOL::.

Alcohol also refereed in literature as 'Holywater' is the staple diet for human beings. Certain segment of human population(which of course is the major segment)believes that consumption of spirit will help them achieve higher levels of intelligence and help them contact holy spirits. This fascination or illusion comes out of blurry vision and echoing of own voice inside the ears after the consumption of alcohol.

Alcohol or the holy water is served at places called 'pubs' by the priests who are well versed in juggling bottles, a ritual to satisfy the spirits. Human beings, go to the pub to worship the spirits every weekend and achieve Nirvana or a state of trance.

Alcohol was like the open source till man invented the technology to make awesome bottles. [ I must confess that the curves of vodka bottle always make me go ooooooooohhhh].

The advantages of having alcohol is endless

Alcohol makes you look saexy in the mirror. You can see yourself in the mirror and smile at your awesome incredibly hoombaboomba oohsa la la eyes which are sexily half opened like shutters of shops on a harthal day called by a not so strong political party. If you have not tried this, you should try looking into the mirror when you are totally drunk.Trust me you would look so saxy,spacially dose eyezzz..While you are at it hold your fetish for twins.

[Make sure that you are alone while you are at it. You don't want to end up on YOUTUBE videos,having sex with a mirror.]

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Alcohol gives you good confidence. Remember the story about ugly duckling?[ Har har har on you!!you still remember such pansy stories? Huh!]. People may call you by different names, depending up on your geographical features.Alcohol is the only one substance invented, to dissolve all such 'fancy names'. Alcohol has unique property of making everyone sexy and give lots of confidence.

Case A) It gives you awesome confidence in driving any vehicle. Though you would be surprised at the driving controls which is very different from arrow keys on your keyboard.

Case B)It brings out the real you. Alcohol has lubricating properties. It can make those stiff joints of your hands and legs move saxeily like that of belly of Shakira.This way you metamorph into a blond pole dancer. You have the confidence to come out of your cocoon, exposing your hairy limbs(moths are hairy!) and make awsome moves on the top of table.Alcohol makes even 'pappu' dance.['Pappu' can't dance?..Rubbissss].

Those moves you make will beat even that moves made by butterfly on a sandy beach.I call this the real 'Butterfly Effect'. "A hurricane is formed by the round round random movements made by the butts/hips of a dancing alcoholic on a pub table". It makes you possible to dance in all amazing Kamasutra positions.

Case C) It gives you the confidence to sing.The molecules of alcohol actually slows down the frequency you hear, making it more awesome like listening to music when inside a tunnel. The sober and not so drunk people will disregard your singing talent as the sound made by a female rhino when giving birth.

Alcohol makes you emotional and caring towards fellow humans.This is the reason why people after getting drunk has the urge to phone their ex and talk to them in 'ultra' romantic voice and tell them that life sucked more than she actually did.[Literally!].

When you are under de influenshe of alcohol, you haf de divine giffft to effortlessly shpeak any language.You are able to shpeak diffaran dialectsh of English and the 'shhh' factor comesh in which eesh believed to be de trademark uff 'Foren Accent'. Even a Mallu can talk Amchi Local Hindi when under the influence of vodka.

The girl sitting on your right looks sexy. Even though she is wearing one of those thick fur coat, you with the alcohol edge is able to see through it. You will feel like George of the Jungle, though she is with a mutant boyfriend who resembles a Godzilla. Yes, Alcohol makes you brave.

Alcohol makes you proclaim your love towards totally inanimate objects like your pillow, to which you have been dying to say those words. In extreme cases it would make you name your pillow something like 'Jane' or 'Amanda' and make love to it...passionately.

Alcohol makes you invisible.This is the reason why we have many 'ass grabbing' at party pics on the internet.It's a known fact that people talk aloud when they are invisible.

Sex change can happen when some people consume alcohol.They would hug and kiss the guy next to him. Some Cry and weep uncontrollably over some issues like Global warming and broken toe nail.If the drinks are strong enough, they would end up going home with one of the bouncers.

Some people become quadrupeds and graze on the floor on all the fours.
You will have the creativity juice flowing inside your profound brain thing. This will make you SMS your best friend about how you feel about 'Copenhagen Summit' and they would suggest you wear a straight jacket while you are intoxicated.

Alcohol gives you enormous strength and fighting abilities. They are not patting each other on the back and they are definitely not gay.They are actually fighting and punching each other.

An alcohol 'hangover' is the only 'hang over' some males have.[Hope you got the awesome drift.]

Teenagers are given alcohol for performing enema, when they swallow batteries which is supposed to be be inside the fire alarm system.

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For anything that has advantage has disadvantages too. No?Alcohol too has some disadvantages .Not much though.

Alcohol makes you pregnant. This is a universal phenomenon. Some opportunists call this the BIG BANG in theory.

Alcohol creates 'Cyclical Redundancy Error'. Its the human version of repeating same things over and over and over again..like you saying "Where is my pants?" over and over and over again

With the advancement in technology, what ever you do after getting intoxicated will be video recorded and hosted on You-tube by 'Jerks' and 'idiots.' of your friend's circle.
*sigh

Will make you forget the question,time, date, day of the week etc.

Make you feel the warmth of 'friendship'. [Some loser has said that.."Friendship is like peeing in pants..blah blah..blah..."]

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After much profound thinking(again), I thought I would give my awesome idea to the think tanks of economics some awesome ideas.

1) Government should supply alcohol at subsided cost on Harthal days to bring more revenue to the state through public distribution system.[Beverage Corporation..that is]

2)People who are alcoholics should wear tshirt with 'INFLAMABLE' written on it.[Blame it on 'Public Saftey'. This sells more than condoms.] Just like charging 'FINE' for not wearing helmets, offenders not wearing TSHIRTS with warning labels should be charged.For a start state police departments can be given T-Shirts for creating awareness among public.

3) People who run their vehicles and run themselves on Spirit should be given tax exemption.
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Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey. -Pappy" Maverick

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.::LUNGI::.

The national bird of Kerala is declared as Mosquito and the national dress is 'Lungi' or 'Mundu'.

This blog post is about the awesome trendy dress called ..'Lungi' or 'Mundu'.Pronounced as 'Lu' as in loo and 'ngi ' as in 'mongey'; lungi can be identified by wonderful floral patterns or patterns like that of window curtain on it.'Mundu',is normally white in color and is worn on special occasions like 'Harthal' days, marriage days etc etc.

Lungi, is simple and 'down to earth' like that of a mallu.[Don't ask!]. Lungi is the only dress that has reached the apex of evolution in it's category.
Wearing something on the top half of your body is optional when you are wearing a lungi. This is the reason why females are not found wearing this awesome dress. [*sigh]
Lungi is a strategic dress. It's like a one size fit all pajama for Keralites.

The technique of wearing a lungi/mundu is passed on from generation to generation through verbal communication. If you think it is an easy task to wear it. you are wrong! It requires lot of techniques, including breathe control. A lungi/mundu when perfectly worn won't come off even if it showed 8 on the richter scale.
A lungi is not attached to the waist using duct tape, staple,rope or velcro. it's a bit of mallu magic whose formula is a closely guarded secret like that of Coca Cola ingrediants.

"Wearing a lungi and managing to keep it up there is tougher than flying a MIG. I can fly a MIG with eyes closed, but not wear a lungi..*sigh:- A retired MIG pilot who doesn't liked to be named.


[Lungi worn at Full Mast]


A lungi can be worn 'FULL MAST' or 'Half Mast'. Like the flags of nation flown at different heights, a lungi can be worn at different heights.
A 'Full Mast' lungi is when you let the gravity do the work and wear it hiding your sexy hairy awesome one of a kind bombastic yoohoowoohooo legs. When you are showing respect to an elderly or someone dead [Too elderly, that is], a lungi/mundu is worn at full mast. Wearing it at full mast has lots of disadvantages, rather than advantages. A major disadvantage can be experienced when the neighbour dog 'Pintu mon' runs after you. When you are wearing a lungi/mundu at full mast, the advantage is mainly for the chicks and the woman folks.


[Lungi Worn at Half Mast]

Wearing a lungi 'Half Mast' is when you wear it exposing your sexy hairy awesome one of a kind bombastic yoohoowoohooo legs and your thighs like that of Shakeela. Lungi is worn such a way to show supremacy and seduce neighbour chicks with your sexy hairy legs. A mallu can play cricket, foot ball or any ball when the lungi is worn in half mast.A mallu can even climb a coconut tree by wearing lungi in half mast.

"It's not a good idea to look up on a mallu when he is on a coconut tree"- Sorcerer

Most mallu's celebrate the traditional dance festival the -"kudiyattam" ("Kudi" means drinking alcohol and yattam,spelled as "aattam" meaning random movement of body.Note that 'y' is silent.When you are drinking , you drink, there is no 'y'.) wearing a lungi. Any alcohol related "festival" can be enjoyed to the maximum when you are dressed in the traditional attire that is topless with lungi and with a towel tied around the head.
"It's easy to dance and shake the legs" says an expert in 'kudiyaattam'.

The 'Lungi Wearing Mallu Union' [LUWMU, pronounced LOVE MU], a union which works towards the 'upliftment' of lungi cult, strongly disagree the younger generation's trend of wearing Burmuda under the lungi. They say that making youngsters wear Burmuda under the lungi is a hidden agenda by the CIA.

"When we were their age, we fought for the freedom of movement, and we protested for it by wearing nothing under our lungi; We have spilled many things for it."- Says a very senior person of LUWMU.
"It's a disgrace to see a person wearing burmuda with corporate logos under his lungi.What they don't know is, how much these corporates are limiting their freedom of movment and expression". He adds.

A malayali wears lungi round the year, all climates, all seasons. It's like a second skin. Unlike 'summer dress','monsoon fashion' etc etc a mallu has one fashion only!Lungi fashion that does not fade or change from season to season.According to the mallu philosophy, the better way to celebrate the winter is by wearing lungi with floral pattern.Good.No?

Lungi provides a good ventilation system round the year. A mallu is scared of global warming more than anyone else in the world.

A lungi/mundi can be worn any time of the day/night. [Some double it as blanket at night.] It also doubles up as swimwear, parachute, facemask, shopping basket,water filter,sleeping bag , a swing.etc etc. When these lungi's are decommissioned from service,they become table cloths..Hmm...The options are endless. There should be a subject in colleges called "Applied Lungionics'.

According to some reports the reason behind the low productivity [Should not be confused with population] in kerala is due to the fact that 80% of the productive working hour is spend for wearing the lungi at half mast. No wonder that wearing lungi/mundu properly is an added career skill.The population figures show that 'productivity' increases when people don't wear lungi/mundu..hence proved.

The first thing a lungi n00b does after waking up from his bed is to search for his lungi.It takes a while before the lungi actually manages to stick to the waist of the person wearing it. The 'lungi/mundu pulling competition' is done in households having many youngsters. Such lungi pulling competition happens during the ONAM and Vishu festival seasons. Most of the time the big time victims of the 'lungi/mundu pulling competition' are n00bs who happens to be from gelf. Their parents, boast about their 'kiddos' not knowing how to wear 'mundu/lungi' [*sigh] and say that this dress is not suited while driving camels.

Its rumoured that few corporate educational centers [which managed to survive in Kerala] are actually planning to start a certification course in 'Lungi Wearing'. These courses are mainly aimed at NRI's. It's estimated that these educational centers will make lots of revenue during the festival season.
It's hard for the younger generation to 'uphold' the tradition on their waist. Soon there would be a compulsory course in Lungi wearing in schools and colleges. The Kerala Government has actually, urged the people to wear traditional clothes on Saturdays, to save the Khadi industry, which actually is a good thing.
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I think a lungi/mundu is the best invention after the invention of fire.
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.::FOR DUMMIES 5::.

I missed updating my 'For Dummies' series for the past one month. I really wanted to help those helpless souls wandering around like a plastic duck in a kiddos bath tub.

"Sorcy's Fables- Simplified for dummies" - 5 naked universal truth.[ Just like those celebrities without underwear]

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In the previous part(s) of the FOR DUMMIES series, we saw how to actually impress the girl you always wanted to impress. Through this blog post we will see, how to make her feel really really special so that the relationship holds up like bubblegum in a blonds hair.

To make a relationship successful, you should really 'care' for the other unfortunate person who is in the relationship with you. That means, you should care for her more than you care for your awesome laptop.[ I know, your laptop keeps your lap warm more than she does!!But anyway..]

Actions speak louder than word.[ I think you are well aware of the power of the middle finger.] Most of the guyz care for their girlfriends more than they care for saving the rain forests or saving the last of great Beluga whales. So inorder to show how much you care, you can call her on her phone after 12 at night and ask her if she is sleeping. Talk to her in the most romantic tone about, global warming and exit strategy of US in Afghan war, etc[ You think this is INSANE? Nope.She would think "WOW!!! my guy cares for the whole world!! She would actually feel like the Michale Obama].

Don't forget to call her atleast 4 or 5 times until you get bored with all the late-night movies and there is nothing much good on FTV or it's morning, whichever comes first.
So if you really care, show that you care for her 24/24.

You must have read every where that relationship is all about 'Sharing and Caring'. Now, if you are having your midnight snack,[BEER cannot be shared], you can wake her up from her deep sleep , tell her that you are having awesome 'Tiger biscuits' and don't feel good cuz you are having it all alone. Do give an audible sigh over the phone. That sigh should hit her arterial walls and echo around with the red blood corpuscles.
Make sure that she also hears the CRUNCHY bites. This is your way of saying.."Baby..I miss you! If you were here we could be crunching together."

[Oh!! you are welcome!! I know I am a genius..Tank you!]

Sharing is a divine thingy. If you both are out in the cold, don't try to warm her up by giving your jacket[ ?.. You wanna end up in the cold?].

Move closer to her, real closer, look her straight into the eyes,move a bit more closer, where the lips almost touch, hmm...perfect..look her into her deep eyes and ask her "Do you like to smoke?".
She would give one of those 'awesome' looks and would push you away [yes.you are right!.playing the hard to catch thingy].
Take it out, I meant the cigarette and offer her one.


Small things are wonderful.[Not according to the latest SPAM Mails]. Remember those small things in life you shared, those wonderful moments and bitch about them and have awesome fight over em. This is the best way to say that you cherish those wonderful memories and it meant a lot for you.

Truth is the key!Always tell the truth. Imagine you were out partying with hot chicks who wouldn't wear things that your girl friend would wear and has paranormal drinking habits. Next day your girlfriend would ask you about you not picking the phone calls the previous night. Most of the guyz would say the lamest excuse that would put a school kid to shame. Don't do that. Tell her that you were out partying with hot chicks and doing what not.
Seriously!! your girl friend wouldn't believe you.She would be like.."Oh!!! I know, you had lots of work at your office..Right?"
Remember, always tell the truth.

Ouch!I know, its the hardest part in a relationship, when your girlfriend says about things again and again and again in between sobs and sniffs...[I forgot the technical term!...It starts with a the letter 'B'.Noo..not those Bs.]. Don't act worse than her Teddy bear and console her like the morons in Yahoo! Chat rooms.Blame the fault on her. Deep inside they like to stand corrected by the person they care for.See, this way you are actually helping her improve and trust me, there is always scope for improvement.

Always bath in different colgnes, beer and cigarettes. There should always be a mystery surrounding you. Her nose would get numb trying to zero in on the muskish smell.This way she will think that you are mysterious. Who doesn't like mystery?

Surprises are what keeps the relationship exciting. Tell her that you would call her at a certain time and don't make that call. See! Simple.Ain't that a fantastic surprise?

Girls love humor. If you were the one who was ignoring all those lame forwarded emails, don't ignore em. Read them and tell her those jokes at those spontaneous moments like, when she is trying to get into an elevator or she is watching her fave show on T.V.

"How do I look?" Do you consider that as a rhetorical question? Not anymore. Tell her that "hmm...It could be a bit more lower/higher" and base it on the theory of relativity. Apart from considering you as 'trendy' she will consider you a e=(mc^2 )*0 genius.

Always check out other chicks wearing 'hot','trendy' designs with eyes wide open , and that kinda goes with mouth too. When your girl friend gives you those 'looks' while you are at it, lecture her on the values of 'Indian' tradition and the generation's 'gap'. Girls like guys who like to 'uphold' traditional values.

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Keep these points in mind to have an awesome relationship.
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