Diabolical

.:: AWESOME PHOTO 2 ::.

2011-12-24T20:42:00.001+05:30

Photo plucked and packaged at source just like canned gas.
Winds doing the poetry with the clouds!??!!??!!?! :-?

A 'Heart shaped Cloud' my camera captured today afternoon.
Another 'Heart Shaped Cloud'

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Sunsets I captured a few days back! Sunset from God's own Country! Enjaaaay Maadi !

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Enjaaaaaaaaay Maaaaaaadi!!

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.::SKETCH - ANOTHER C&H::.

2011-12-21T16:44:00.001+05:30

Calvin and Hobbes -Pencil Drawing

"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words" - Calvin

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Oil Painting :Lady in the car & More

And

Then there is this Pencil Sketch of a Controversial ~~Dog~~ Wolf

And

There are many more sketches of which; the links I am too lazy to dig up and put up.

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.::SKETCH- CALVIN & HOBBES::.

2011-12-17T19:02:00.001+05:30

Calvin and Hobbes -Pencil Drawing

"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."- Calvin

Weekend is already over on this half of this earth *sigh. .To the people waking upon the other half, follow the awesome quote of the day.

Everyone who is a vivid reader of Calvin and Hobbes know that, his awesommess Calvin had made awesome poems in some of his comic strips, narrating his tiger.

In the strips, Calvin speaks them when Hobbes is sleeping.

Still and quiet feline form,

In the sun, asleep and warm.

His tail is limp his

Whiskers drooped.

Man, what could make

This cat so pooped?

My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude.

This fur coat must have him made perspire.

It lies on the floor - should this be construed

As a permanent change of attire?

Perhaps he considers its colors passé,

Or maybe it fit him too snug

Will he want it back? Should I put it away?

Or use it right here as a rug?

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Oil Painting :Lady in the car & More
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.:: For Dummies 8::.

2011-12-12T23:33:00.001+05:30

For Dummies 8:For a While the For Dummies Series was send for hibernation.

Anyway, Thanks to my inquisitive friends who asks me questions on relationships and want guidance on 'Approaching A Woman'.

I dedicate this blog post to those pavam souls.

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This blog post is a humble attempt to give readers more awesome knowldge in reading body language ,the way you read a braille magazine[With those bums and bumbums] and finding your soul mate.This blog post is also a small attempt to save the human race from funny looking gadgets and lead poisoning resulting out of orgasmic situations.

After shedding the hair on the bumbums, monkeys evolved into prehistoric men.Tarzan was the first prehistoric man according to scientific Journals also called fictions and some p0rn movies.

Prehistoric men used clubs and stones to ~~seduce~~, sedate females. Seduction those days was just about banging the unsuspecting cave woman and banging the unsuspecting cave-woman.
Since the first woman nibbled too much on Adam's apple resulting in the 'Red apple scandal' people have used many methods/techniques/hacks/cheats to attract opposite sex.This appetite for getting laid has opened up a whole new market of products and services worth billions from lingerie to Enlargement pills [If the former doesn't have any effect..that is]

Anyway, Humans use body language/Ferrari to attract people of opposite sex .Now body language has lost it's sex appeal and used by both sexes in whatever way 'they'/'it' seem 'fit'.

The Foreplay

Yes, You cant just walk in and read a woman.It requires meticulous planning like your 'Me-Time.'

Before you even approach an unsuspecting female, you should be wearing the right clothes.So she notices you. Wear spandex or any clothes thats skin hugging.This helps her in reading your elevated levels of testosterone, live. The bottoms line is Be Transparent in your approach. If you are a nerd wear any clothes that has ketchup stains.That explains a lot to her.

Always make a Good first impression.Many a time, you must have felt bad because your gorgeous neighbor chick, didn't notice you. That's because you aren't dressed your best.
Dress to impress.

If you are an awesome mallu, wearing your lungi/mundu at half mast exposing your awesome whoohoowoohoo sexy hairy legs is one best way to attract your gorgeous neighbor.The whole world knows that hairy legs of a male are next best thing to sliced bread.Wear happy colors like purple,lime green, dark orange or Ferrari red.Flaunt your beer belly,hairy chest and legs.Don't suck in the air to hide your 'family pack'.
Wear 2+ size Shoes.

Have a few cigarettes or smoke w33d. It gives the men the masculine smell.It makes the woman go weak on her knees. Medically, such smells bring about a reflex action on her knee nerves.Just to be safe stand sideways , away from her knees when you are talking to her.

Location..Location..Location is Everything:

Body language is more useful in 'Pub Situations'. Pub is the watering hole for many species of mammalian chicks and endangered species called 'single men'. when you become fluent in body language, you can attract anyone without AXE Deo spray or not loose your virginity to a mailbox or a lamp post.Body language also helps in saving your ass [Literally] from men with long hair , mustache , hairy-legs, who are happy and gay.

Eyeballing the 'Situation':

Woma(e)n travel in groups of 3 and above.Even if one female wants to go some place[Including powder room a.k.a toilet] she calls up a group of her close friends. These group of friends are called 'Support Group'. Every woman falls under the secret society of 'Click-Clack Clan'. The name is derived from the sound their hoofs[High-heels] make when walking on the granite/Tiled floor.

When you have found a chick that is wearing pants, which you think is enough to accommodate you, establish eye contact to make sure that it is really a female.If you are couldn't understand the above statement, find solace at your own hands and do not try and pee in the gene pool.

The best way is 'Direct' Eye Contact which woman technically call as 'Staring'. I hope that you are educated enough to understand that eyes of a female are located a few inches below her neck.When your target notices that you have noticed hers and turns to you,look at her face and give her the sexiest grin, with your eyes wide open, jaws dropping.This tells her that you have noticed her and is ready to mate.

Approaching her on the Floor:

Drink a few bottles of vodka before you make your approach. It help you get over your fear of approaching women. It loosens up your tongue muscles thus you can blabber anything to her. Alcohol revives your memory and you can talk authentically about anything under the sun. You can go all the way and call her a b*t(h lovingly trumpeting your awesomeness; and she would be like "Are you drunk?" , see..she is already falling for you.
Have a bottle of beer in your hand, before you walk up to her. It helps you keep your balance if you are tilting too much on to one side while walking.

The First words

The first word should not be "kya mummy!!!" like dat bozo in the movie Dhoom.
The first word should be a classy pickup line from my blog or any other blog.If you want to keep it original and clean, you can say "Howdy Sistah!! Are those real?"

Okay.Thats rough eh? Try this simple approach.Complement on her T-Shirt and ask her "Wow! Nice picture!Who painted those?"

Or

If you want to prove your ingeniousness..try this new pick up line "OOps!! I am caught in the orbit by your two moons".Run around her and move closer to her chest.

It's as simple as that.Introduce yourself.Don't forget to brag. Talk about awesome topics like Inflation and world Markets.
If that makes her speechless, well..she has already fallen for you.

The Hand Job

Make sure that you care. Send powerful message with your hands and gestures.
There are a number of ways to convey that you want to get in her pants.Use your hands to caress objects, such as the rim of your glass, The curve of the beer bottle. Simply fidget a lot. For her this is a sensual act. Wink after every sentence., bite your lips as if you are having Epileptic Seizure in a very sensual way And for the brave, try picking fluff off her jacket or using the "accidental touch" when reaching for the lemon or squeeze some ketchup on her dress and help her wipe it off.

If she is resisting, buy her lots of drinks.Drinks will make you look cute then boob is your uncle.

Say The Right Thing

Give her constructive criticism from her dress to her make up. Tell her how you would like to have the neckline of her dress a bit low etc etc.Pick on anything that you feels convenient and advice her. Always make it a point to compare her with your Ex-Girl friend for everything she says or do. It makes her feel more comfortable. If you don't have an Ex-Girl friend compare her with your right hand.

Just before They lived Happily Every after:

Invite her to your place.Tell her you have a big foot at your 'basement'. Talk in metaphors. Invite her to play 'chess and find all possible mating positions'. Invite her in and promise you won't make any moves after you are done with her. She will blush at your forwardness but for whatever reason she will believe you.

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Previous For Dummies :Dummies 7

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.::EKONOMIC CONVERSATIONS::.

2011-11-18T12:43:00.000+05:30

~~Most~~ Some of the time our intellectual conversations wander off to serious business discussions which can harvest billions of dollars.

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Ed: How far is *Thiruvananthapuram from Cochin?
[*Also Spelled :ThironthoaaaRum]

Sorcy: Far...very far...really really far far..like 5 hours on the road which feels like eternity.Why? ARE YOU COMING DOWN ^&@#^@*&$^#*&$?

Ed: Nope.My friend is coming down to Kerala for some Yoga classes for 2 weeks.

Sorcy: Hmm...They sell Yoga in packets these days.

Ed :I am convincing him not to go for yoga.Trying to scare him off saying he can lock-up his body in awkward positions.

Sorcy: Fuel prices are on the hike..may be he wants to learn levitation. Red bull does not really give you wings.Does it?

Sorcy: !:)

Ed: What was that? Got hit by a Baseball Bat?

Sorcy: huh!! Thats an smiley for "!dea".

Ed: Oh! Thank you for explaining.

Sorcy: Ya know..We can be the "Yoga Brokers" for Kerala.We bring in people for yoga, which we call Raw Materials in Pure Business Terminology [P.B.T]. We sell them to Yoga Factory. They all get Yogified.and we become filthy rich.We Mass produce Yogis.To summarize We corporotize Yoga and in turn world peace.

Ed: hmmm...and

Sorcy: 3 years down the line..we can call ourself the "Yoga Mafia" or "Yoga Syndicate". We can also export it to foreign lands in bling bling packing and bring in some FDI [Foren -> Desi Investment].

Ed: ya know what *She [*She=Gwakus_Busyus_Thesisus]would call us?

Sorcy: Hmm..."Yoga Pimps"?

Ed:Exaaaaaaaaaactly..

Sorcy:She prefer to use her words with an overdose of her artistic vocabulary mixed with a bit of vinegar.

Ed:Aaaaaaaaaaargghmmmmm..

Sorcy: Ya know..I even thought of a Logo for our Yoga Company. The logo will be "A Paper Clip" . That's how our clients will be able to bend their body after learning YOGA. Call it B.E [ Business Ethics ]

Ed:Now we need a caption.Not what Gwakus_Busyus_Thesisisus would call us.

Sorcy:What ever...Just make me the Treasurer.Alright?

..
..

Sorcy: So.. Kapish?

Ed: Nope.I will handle all our female clients..and you handle the rest.

Sorcy: I wont even touch the rest.Huh! Smarty pants. Your handle will break off after all those handling?

Ed:That's a sacrifice I would gladly make.

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Sorcy: aha!!Talking nonsense to Cyber chics. Eh?

Prj: Nope. Saving the environment from lead batteries.

Sorcy: oh..yeah..Giving Organic Orgasms?

Prj: That's just a side effect. Actually saving the world market from Chinese Toys with toxic plastic.

Sorcy: A few years down the line you can float a company and call it "Harmless_Guy and Sons- Giving Organic Orgasms since 2010". Since your company is organic and environmental friendly, you get Tax Exemption too.

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.::CONVERSATIONS::.

2011-11-04T12:47:00.000+05:30

Ed:Ya know..I kinda have a good repute in college..

Sorcy:Aha!

Ed:I come out in 7 minutes.

Sorcerer:Say that to a girl and you die a virgin.

Ed:I meant..I come out of the exam hall in 7 minutes.

..
..

Hot H.R Chick:What are your interests?

Ed:I play games.

Hot H.R Chick:So what kinda games do you play?

Ed:Physical games.

..
..

Ed: Hmm...'Detachment', that's some subject I am working on.May be we can co-Author a book...Like.."Art of Detachment from Universal Pleasures."

Sorcerer: I mean the book should be titled-"The Sutra after the Kamasutra." That title will be the best seller.

..
..

Ed:Mom called and asked me to take good care of my health.

Sorcerer:What a lovely way of putting "Stay out of trouble, stupid".

..
..
Ed:Unlike,you perverts I am a Mechanical Engineer.

Sorcerer:Eeeewwwwwww...Thats worse than being a pervert.

..
..

San:So they brought me clothes worth a lot of money.How freaking is that man!!

Sorcerer:You are gonna get married and they brought you clothes? What the heck!

..
..

San:Guess what! I learned to play guitar.Now I can fiddle with it.

Sorcerer:hmmm..Anyway you are getting married and you will need something to fiddle with from now on.Classic example for irony.

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.:: PENCIL SKETCH - WOLF ::.

2011-10-27T12:07:00.003+05:30

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.::OIL PAINTING-LADY IN THE CAR::.

2011-10-01T00:02:00.012+05:30

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Medium: Oil on Canvas

Dimension: 84 X 47 Centimeters

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Here is 'Lady in the Car' for you.May be they don't drive too well; but they look awesome in the driver's seat.

Will be back with another post..Will take a while.. Till then Enjoy this painting.

The other Oil Painting:Lady in Dragon Tattoo
And one more painting

**EDIT [ 4^th September 2011] **

The Photo of the oil painting I posted (above) had the bottom portion of the painting cut off [Couldn't focus the whole painting on the mobile cam then .]
Posting the complete Painting.

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.:: 36 C ::.

2011-09-12T23:22:00.000+05:30

"Life has a way of teaching us some valuable arse saving lessons, though its a Sunday with chances of some heavy rain."
..
..

Yesterday, harmless me, was having my lunch peacefully. I was grazing on the green things cooked organically, to preserve the awesome yucky taste. I was busy racially discriminating green chillies from the rest of the green things in the 'All-Green' recipe dish in-order to avoid a political unrest in my stomach,later; that's when the phone starts winking at me ,nagging like a 3 year old on cold-beer-'Pick me up..Pick me up..pick me up".

*sigh

I picked up the call.

"Hello.Are you free this afternoon?" asked the cold familiar voice on the other end.
Well,with half the world in total disorder,and the world screwing itself own its own axis, I think theres nothing much I could do to help with that.So...

"Yeah..I could be free.What is it that you want of me?" I beamed back.
"hmmmmmm...Need your expert advice, on something.I will come by your home, pick you up and then we go to Calicut." he said and disconnected the call.

Now..This is the problem with having an awesome brain and watching National Geographic Channel too much everyday. People...People Need EXPERT ADVICE."
Price one has to pray for being so..intellinent.Good God..Why me?

He is one of my best friends, whom I have known since childhood. In our friends circle, he used to be our crash dummy for various velocity related tests. Though his roles varied from time to time-from crash dummy to equipment for buoyancy test, he managed to be humble enough and kept his IQ level at 0.

..
..

With in half an hour we were on the road, dodging traffic en-route, Calicut.

Me:So...Whats it that you need advice on?

Buddy:Well, ya know I need to gift something for my Girl Friend on Onam.

Me:Awwww.The Onam got over this Saturday and Today is Sunday.I mean..Are you alright?..... Well..disregard that question. You are doing well enough for a retard anyway.

Buddy:Its a gift alright..I mean anyone can gift anything for anyone at anyone.

Me:You lost me with your grammar.So..what do you have in mind?

Buddy:Something useful.

Me:Wow! thats really cool.Something USEFUL...like Screwdriver, Can-Opener, Samurai Sword.

Buddy:Nope..Something cool like.. a ..a book.

Me:Man...your wisdom exceeds your ears...just a bit.What kind of book.A Cook Book..Gift her a Cook Book.

Buddy:Nope.She cooks well.

Me:When you say that next time..add some confidence in your voice.Alright?

Buddy:How about Gifting her a DRESS?

Me:DRESS?What do you mean DRESS?

Buddy:Clothes, ya know the thing they wear.

Me:GWAD!!! Thats suicidal?You are dragging me all the way to HUNT for Clothes, in the WOMAN'S section in some awesome mall .Do ya have ANY IDEA! I mean..dude, ya know its complicated. Theres a lot of equation and complex mathematics, that goes into the selection of a womans clothes.Those secrets a woman will never reveal.Alright? and....
Before I could complete, my mouth went dry,I needed water.

Buddy:Okay.You just need to come with me to the mall.I will look around.We grab the first thing we find.Rush to the counter.Pay out and Exit.The whole thing will take just less than 5 mins.Even before the sales people knew what happens, we will be out of the mall, on the way home.

Me:You sure?I mean, I will be in some other section like outside.

Buddy:.Nope.You are gonna come with me inside the mall.You gonna help me with my quest.C'mon who else can I trust such missions with?
I was in a Classic hostage situation .The odds were stacked against me.The situation felt like , me standing in front of the empire state building of Odds and staring at its dirty windows.

AAAAAAAARRRGGGHh..who invented the Central Locking System in the CAR!!!!

*sigh
We entered the city limits, swearing at a truck driver.Shortsighted Bozo with large tires stuck down his ass.
The city was still waking up from the hangover of Saturday night Party and Onam festivals.People swarmed the buses like ants swarming on a lazy grasshopper. Last day of holiday week.Such things are expected. We ditched the car under the fly over at Mavoor Road.

Now..Only a few minutes for the moment.

*gulp

..
..

Me:Any idea what we are gonna look at?

Buddy:Hmmm...Nope.We 'improvise.'

Me:On what?
That became a rhetorical question. I know he is under a lot of pressure and people do use random words, to sound smart in such situations. Thank you Freudian for that book on mental thing.
Me:Hey, Just Stop.STOP. Do you know her size?I mean dress size.We should have something to work with.Alright?

Buddy.Hmmm..I remember her telling me, her dress size is 36 C.

Me:36 C?What the Heck! I mean is that like that for woman?I mean for us guys its M,XL,L XXL etc etc.Are you sure?

Buddy:They use a different metric system.Involving Trigonometry.May be for them its like that.As I said..We 'improvise'

Seriously, my buddy is under a looooot of pressure.Trying to crack a joke with random smart sounding word.Gwad..This is seriously getting out of hand.

..
..

We entered a premium mall .I felt a choke, a chill and something fired along my spinal column, on the inside.Gwad..I am doing this?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! The woman's section welcomed us in FULL Glory!Thank fully apart from a few chicks, probably from NIT-Calicut and a few couples and a few sales staff and a few kids running around like misguided missiles, the shopping floor was empty.

Me:Dude..Just as planned, we go in ..grab the first thing.....
My voice trailed off seeing the variety of options available on each category of dresses.

Me:Okay..Alright..go in, close your eyes, grab something and we bounce out..after paying.
My friend had his eys fixated on a T-Shirt , A blue one.

Me:Grab it..Grab it..go go go go...Move it move it..Move it Soldier..
I played the Iraq invasion on him.He pretended to play the part of the dumb camel in the Iraq desert.

He moved as if levitating towards the blue T-Shirt.I followed him closer.

Buddy:Hey.This will look okay on her.

Me:Hmmm...I like the color Blue.As you said, just look at the TAG on the T-Shirt to see if its 36C and if it is..we take it and bounce.

Saying that I looked back, to see if some one is over hearing our confusion.The College CHICKS were looking at us and giggling.
C'mon girls..ya know you should not be so mean to us guys.See, I have a goatee and I havent shaved, which clearly says I am NOT a cross dresser. I dont have painted nails and lip gloss.So..Well..Ya know seriously..it's not for me. Well, I am pretty good with figures but not on the math side.Alright?

Buddy:It doesnt say 36C.It says 28/L.

Me:Now what is 28 divided By L.Whats the value of L. L stands for what?
Buddy pulls the T-Shirt inside out to see if there is any more clues left on it to decipher the code.

Me:Hey..Wait..I will flag down a sales staff and ask for help.

Buddy:Hey find a sales girl who is almost as big as my girl.

Me:Yeah so that we can just ask her, "Does it suit you?".Problemo Solved.Man..That was some ingenious thinking.

After hunting around the mall for sales staff, found a lonley sales staff chick.Contraty to what was expected, this sales staff chick was a feet short.

Me:Excuse me..Errr...I Want..I mean he wants some help over there.
The sales chick came with the Standard Format Smile.

Buddy:Err..What exactly is the size of this.

Sales Staff:Hmmm..28/L

Me:Hmmmmmmm...Alright.

Sales Staff:What size are you looking at?

Buddy:36 C
Sales Staff opens her mouth wide..jaw dropping..trying to control her laughter.I sensed that, there is something awesomely wrong, in the answer which my buddy gave.So to make the better of the situation.I thought I would 'improvise.'Anyway 36 as a number suits well for jeans..

Me:Errr..that ..that is the size of her jeans.Aint it?

Buddy:yeah yeah..36....C
He prefered to stick on to the 'C'. This is what happens when your nerves are embarassed and are popping signals like popcorn in the oven.The tongue moves in Hebrew.

Sales Staff: 36....C is her Jeans?Okay

Me:It Could be.I mean without the C..probably.I mean..

Sales Staff:What exactly are we looking at?

Me:We are looking at a blue T-Shirt.

I said that pointing to the T-Shirt in her hands.

Sales Staff:Nope.I asked her measurement.

Buddy:Ohh..okay..she is 14 inches shoulder to shoulder.
He said that like a ROBOT.

Sales staff went to get a measuring tape.

Well..The rest of the shopping was done, in almost silence.Moving from section to section, my friend took out dresses which he thinks is okay. Passes it on to the Sales staff. She dutifully measures it ..and keeps it back on the shelf or nod her head..saying its indeed 14 inches shoulder to shoulder.

Then the sales staff, joined us in the 'Top-Hunting' contest and suggested us what ever things in color blue and shades of it which is 14 inch S-S.

After spending almost "2 hours" inside the mall, and 2 different sales staff coming to help us, my friend chose a blue top for his girl.

Aaaarrrghhh..I think we were the joke of the day, between the sales staff, as I could see them laughing in groups staring at us.
Must be the 36 C. Gwad!!

..
..

Sales Staff:So finally, you got it.

Buddy:hmmm

Me:Now I know why girls spend too much time.Ya know there is more parameteres and variables to check than a pre-flight check on an Airbus.

..
..

After coming out of the mall we got into the car.

Buddy:Hey.ya know we chose this cloth on just 1 parameter.I mean..is that okay?What if it is too tight?

Me:Hmmm..Ya know..send her a text message saying "Either the dress fits or you better shape in." .The best part is you are actually motivating her to stay in shape.

Buddy:Hmmmm....We 'improvise'..Right?

Me:There is always a scope.

Buddy:We could have brought her a sari!!

Me:Yes,Aaarrgh..Why didn't we think of it then.A sari is like one size fits all pajama.

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.:: OIL PAINTING- DRAGON TATTOO ::.

2011-07-10T23:40:00.021+05:30

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Medium: Oil on Canvas

Dimension:92 X 76 Centimeters

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Be Right Back !!!

Till then..Enjoy the painting of this ' Lady with Awesome Dragon Tattoo'.

The Other Oil Painting- Awesome Lady with Awesome Tattoo

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.:: CUSTOMER CARE ::.

2011-07-04T22:00:00.001+05:30

"My Internet device is putting me on a diet..it's not giving me my bytes"- Sorcerer on Internet connectivity

..

When some monkeys voluntarily came down the tree, some of them were pushed off their branches or the branches they were sitting on broke under their fat ass. They were too lazy to climb back the tree . They waddled up and down the plains of earth, with Godzilla and Tarantulas. These monkeys took the train to Evolution. A few of them got down at 'Service Desks' of lovingly called as 'Call Centers'. The others, inbred and thus gave rise to the popular term 'Being a Human'.

Service Desk a.k.a Call centers are centered around the theory -'Infinte Monkey' Theorem.

"The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare."
That's how, they are trained to solve the customer queries.

Unfortunately, I use the 3G 'terminology' to connect to the Internet . Soon, this Chinese made plastic USB internet device started controlling My LIFE. [Contrary to the popular belief..I do have one.]

The 3G stick as it's called in hardcore technical terminology, decides everything about my affair with the internet.

Everytime I had to connect to the internet. I had to promise coconuts to Lord Ganesha. If I had to stay online for a few hours, without disconnection/uninterrupted downloads, that meant more offerings..more coconuts...more coconuts..

I decided to take things into my hands, once the coconuts I promised to Lord Ganesha, crossed the net produce of coconuts in the state of Kerala.
I took my mobile phone and 'dared' to call up the customer care number which can be mapped to 1800-SCREWYOU.

A bitchy voice, asked me to select menu after menu over IVR. I felt like walking , the Bangalore streets, trying to find '18th Cross' when I went to visit a friend at Jayanagar once.

The usual IVR thingy of major corporates are programmed, to make it easy for the customers to reach their help desk.

"If you want to speak to a customer Care executive..Please press 1"

"If you really want to speak to a customer care executive..Please press 1"

"Oh!! you must be joking..Did you really meant '1' when you pressed 1."

"C'mon Dude..be a sport...Press 1 again."

"Okay..lemme rephrase it for you..Are you sure you want to speak to a Customer Care Executive.?Please press 1 if you are sure."

"Hit me baby one more time.. 1 press 1 again"

"Humor me-Please press 1"

"Sarah Palin is HOT!! -Please Press 1"

"You are going to speak to a customer care executive..Are you sure you had your anti-rabies vaccniation ?If so, please press 1"

Now if you are really lucky, you can press 1 till you grow a 14 inch beard or your batteries run out.
For those who dare..like me, is put to the next painful hurdle...'Listening to the corporate theme song.'

For some reason, the telecom company whose USB device I am using is having their theme song sung by 12 year old school kids. They are not singing but shouting the theme song into your ears. This is the corporate tactic of ' Torture by 12 year olds.'

I passed that test too..I am a Mallu. We can survive extreme cold even though, we are wearing mundu at half mast..aha!!
We got our balls strong like the coconuts.
Finally, I heard the doors to the inner sanctum creak open...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinggg..rrrrrrrrrrriinggg

..
..
Cust_Care:Hello I am *Suma, how may I help you?
*Name Changed
[She meant:Hi, since all the good names were already taken, I am Suma for you.Darrrn!!]

Me:Hello..I am having an issue.

Cust_Care:Alright..How May I help you?
[She meant:Hmmm..You havin What?Issues!!..lemme make it worse for you.]

Me:The thing is...your server bounces me out..doesn't let me stay online for more than a minute or 2. The authentication succeeds, I am logged in..then after some time..I am kicked off your server unceremoniously. Bytes sent 'Awesome' bytes recieved zero.
[I meant:Upgrade your hardwares ,network MORONS!!!]

Cust_Care:Really sorry to hear that.Can I put on you on hold while I check your details?
[She meant:Ha.Ha.Ha to you!!Can I put on you on hold, while I check my make-up in the reflection on the computer screen and think about awesome things to piss you off further?]

Me:Sure..

{
Alright! while on hold, I am forced to listen to the corporate theme song.

I think in their S.O.P manual will be like this

1)Take the call
2)Greet the customer
3)Put him on hold
4)Make him listen to the corporate theme song *Music Blast* for at least 5 minutes. [
**you win bonus points for every other minute the customer is on hold ** ]

}

Cust_care:Sorry for putting you on hold.
[She meant:Gwad!! you still holding the line? Dude..I just gave you chance to run away. Since you didn't, I am gonna make you feel soooo sorry. You my friend..is flirting with disaster!]

Me:It's alright.Tell me what is it..What is it tell me.
[Lets get it over with girl..just tell me..tell me ..its not cancer.Just tell me It's gas.]

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your computer?

Me: I use Linux.

Cust_Care: Do you have latest antivirus installed on your compueter?

Me: I use Linux..
[Gurl...Ask me that question one more time and I am gonna cry!!!.

Dear GOD!!

Did you forget to put a semicolon (;) in her code while you programmed her?She is on Infinite loop.

In other words..shape up your Q.C team Mr. They are doing a sloppy job.]

Cust_Care: Sir,click on the Start Menu.

Me: I use Linux.There is no Start Menu.

Cust_Care: Sir, please click on the start menu.

Me: I use Linux.just tell me what setting I needed to change .I will find the Linux equivalent and try and do the same.Don't you have Manual on Linux? Your product brochure says..it supports Linux.
[FYI Gurl!! the word 'Please' doesn't grow a Start Menu on Linux..What do they call you in real life? Just curious!]

Cust_care: Blah balh balh blah ..do..this..do that...push this..push that...blah blah.blah...
[She meant:I am just reading what's written on the screen..I am not 'Triaging' anything based on your inputs..*poof* its supposed to work.]

Me:Okay..alright..
[Thank you gurl.Thank you for reading me the script out of 'Harry Potter'. ]

Cust_care:Sir, you can also try and reinstall the software and it may work.
[She meant:That's also written on my Computer screen..I am just reading it to you.]

Me:Hmmm..okay!
[Reinstall..What software? My operating System?]

Cust_care:Sir, we are having some network congestion too..
[She meant:We have Acts of God, Buddha, Vishnu, Zeus, 'Network Up-gradation work going on' etc and the best est of all 'network Congestion.' its your call dude.]

Me:aha!!okay
[AAAHHH!!! The dreaded Network Constipation..Thank you..Thank you for dropping the bomb...]

Cust_Care:Sir, you can also try and restart the computer..and connect it back and it should work.
[She meant:O.M.G Dude.I just read you the last line written on my screen..you better disconnect the call and scram..else..I am gonna SCREAM in your ears.My boy friend says..I am a good screamer..okay?.Then All your Gray cells are gonna turn white .Like totally!! O.M.G you are still holding the line...DUDE!! I am gonna strangle you with my cell phone!! ]
Me:Well..It's alright..I am not that bored anyway.

Cust_care:Sir, if you have still the same problem you can call us back.
[She meant:Hey..I noticed your sarcasm..I am sarcastic too]
Me:Sure.it was really nice talking to you.Call you back.. .I am delighted..Thank you.

Cust_Care:Is there anything else you want help with?

Me:Errrr...Nope.

[Trying hard to stay civilized...before my neurons fire randomness at her..I disconnected the call]
..
..

I knew that, the network won't let me in till the evening. I took my mid-noon nap.

__________________________+

.:: YAKSHI & PANA MARAM ::.

2011-06-30T23:13:00.001+05:30

No!! This is not a picture of coconut tree. Of course, it doesn't have 'those huge things' hanging on top.

No..No.No..Your logic is wrong..again.This is not a male coconut tree either.

That's a picture of a palm tree or Pana (in Malayalam). These trees have sacred roles in Kerala Folk tales and toddy shops. I even have a theory that, history of roof tops restaurants can be mapped to the palm trees.

Long back, such palm trees were the hangout spots for Yakshis. 'Yakshi' is a mallu term for Witches. For some guys they resemble their wife(s), ex-Girl Friend, Girl Friend, Mother-In-Law etc. The blogger i.e me however claim that, this is purely coincidental and blame it on your bad karma.

Yakshi is a variant of human beings , in pure scientific terminology, 'Homo Erectus'.(Yes..Some Yakshi's are sooo HOT!!!! and trust me guyz..they can do that to you...or make you both..hence the term Homo Erectus)

..
..

Unlike their western counter part, popularly referred as 'witches', Yakshi's are HOT and can resemble the HOT teachers who taught you in 8th Std and above.

'Witches' of the western world does not have any sense of fashion. They wear rags or bags. They have B.O. They always have a bad hair day. Their teeth would resemble a badly worn out picket fence. Their popular mode of transport is 'Broom Stick' and don't have to worry about rising oil prices. They can curse you. They are hardcore feminists and don't shave their legs. Some even pet their legs instead of a real cat.

Guyz..I know..It's no different from what you see almost everyday..like your 'better half' [The one who get the better of you],giving you those stares with that 'Broom Stick' in hand, while you are peacefully watching sports on T.V.

Fact :Them witches do you,you don't.

..
..

Witches and Yakshis are way different from bitches; in case you are confusing your vocabulary. Bitches or b!+C|-|35 are hot, with latest sense of fashion. They look clean but can give you STD's or herpes, bitch diseases etc depending on the options available with her.

Their popular mode of transport is 'Your car'. The only thing you get blown by her, is your money. They carry a pink 'Fcuk me' purse with 'necessary' items. They have mood swings between very very 'matured' [ha ha ha ha] and being a toddler on sugar.

Yeah dude..It's a jungle out there.

*sigh

Fact: You like to do your b!+C|-| but some one else is doing it for you.

..
..

Mallu Yakshi's are real cute things, when compared to witches of the West. To start with, Yakshi's are real hotties, with long hair and with curves that resemble the River Nile.

They are very good conversationalists. They Purrrrrr..at least in the beginning. They are hygienic and conservative , that's why they always wear white Sari.

[A mallu woman wearing white Sari..Not a Yakshi though.]

They walk with background music. They don't actually walk, they hover, exactly the way your girl friend/wife does to you.

Yakshi's were once normal woman, living their life, minding their own business, thinking about nail polish, window curtains and matching shoes. Every night, they sleep hugging their teddy bear, thinking about butterflies , white doves and world peace. Only thing they were scared off are cookie monsters and bees.

This young woman is advised by her elders, to keep the knickers above her knees, her knees together and her hands to herself. Of-course..she lived that way..But...all of a sudden, one unattended moment..she was violated (Read:B@nged).

The young woman, now sobbing in her bed, remembers the golden advice by her momma.. "Never give him what he wants". She remembers those words, in slow frame rate with Dolby effect and sobs uncontrollably.

To get even with him, she draws her 'Violator' a.k.a 'Then cute boy friend' with small pee-pee in Ms-paint..points and laughs at it.

Thus she turns back into a virgin- in some cases.

Ironically,some young woman remember the 'golden advice' only after her marriage and her hubby (as lovingly called) gets screwed only 'literally'.

The time has come for revenge. The banged young woman, having lived in shame commits suicide and is turned into a HOT Yakshi . She is in search for the violator guy, not to relive those orgasmic moments but to kill him in a freak accident.

Yakshi like the commies, have well defined propaganda. They are out there to fcuk up lives.

Kalliyankattu neeli is one such credible Yakshi.In malayalam terms ..(Nalla tharavattil piranna yakshi. Translation: Yakshi born in a very good family, she even uses her family name).

Yakshi's prefer outdoors and wild. They lived on 'Pala Maram' or Pana (Palm Tree).
Most Yakshi's were solitary hunters.Their hunting ground is deserted road through the forest.
[I know what you are thinking guyz..at one time..they were confined to forest and wild].
*sigh

They come down their palm tree apartment at midnight, usually during the Fridays.They metamorph into a cute hot chick, complete with push-up bra, femme fatale for the Quick Gun Murugans.
Most yakshi's are straight. [I have not come across any Yakshi, who is a lesbian...yet].

When any unsuspecting male, ventures into the forest to take a leak or search for cannabis to get high or simply to get to the other side, the yakshi zero in on him.

Unsuspecting Male:Who are ya? Have not seen you here? [Wink]

Femme Fatale Yakshi:I am lost.I was returning after kadhakali.Lost my way [Lie..Lie..Lie]

Unsuspecting Male: Ayyooo..It's alright. I Can drop you back at your home. Parents are still back at temple watching Kadhakali.right?

Femme Fatale Yakshi: hmmmmm....Oooohh..yeahh...they arrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee...[Purrrrr...Purrrrrrr]

Unsuspecting Male ke Dil mein laddoo phoote.

Unsuspecting Male: On the way home I will tell you some kadha [Story] and let's have some Kali[Play] after.

Femme Fatale Yakshi:Sure..

Unsuspecting Male ke Dil mein do laddoo phoote.

Unsuspecting Male:Wow!! That was easy!Kochu Galli.

Femme Fatale Yakshi: Ooooh...yeahhh [and she makes gestures on her face like she is backing up a car.]

When they reach near the palm tree, the yakshi grabs the unsuspecting male by the balls , drags him all the way up the palm tree. There he is stripped, killed and eaten.Thus palm trees become roof top restaurants for Yakshi's. Not everything is eaten, the bones and nails are left for forensic analysis.

I know guyz..some of you would be wishing your witch did that to you...a quick death...Right?

Bad Karma..Bad bad karma.Live with it.
..
..

Malayalam Film industry has revolutionized the way Yakshi's are dressed today. The industry has made them colorful Yakshis.They look quiet different from their old monochromatic variants.They also dance to item numbers with skimpy clothes which can put even Rakhi Savant to shame.

Everytime I see a palm tree [Pana Maram], it reminds of various tales I have read in Aithihya Mala written by Kottarathil Sankunni.

__________________________+

[ LONA MISA-OIL PAINTING ]

2011-05-24T20:12:00.000+05:30

I R back.

Where was I?..

Errr..Me was kinda busy taming a dragon and teaching it some good toilet manners. Well..Not exactly ,I got buried under a landslide, then had to dig all the way down to China.

[Q: Isn’t China all the way up? Ans:Well if you are buried under a landslide ,direction is relative]

Now..Where was I?

Yeah…had to dig all the way yup to China, dodge some serious PSB ,then sling across the Great Wall of China on a Made in China ACME sling.

You are staring at the screen as if you ain’t believing what I said. Right?

Noooo..Don’t nod your head too fast that way, you may dislodge your pea-brain from its tentacles.

Okay!!! Lemme tell you the truth…psstt..psstt..I was learning to stick my head…. in a jet engine.

Aaaawwww!!!

Why not me? Why wasn't it me? - Just academic curiosity, you understand.

But…a Big But actually…

I did come back just like Santa Clause, [Nope!! My sack ain’t red though.] with a present for my awesome blog readers.

____________________

Presenting to you LONA MISA, Au naturel, in her awesome glow thing without much thing. This lil orchid, la petite femme is Created on Ze Canvas with Oil ze Painto. [There is a popular misconception that adding ‘Ze’ makes the sentence look more Frenchish.]

[Painting.Photographed in two modes of lighting]

Medium:Oil on Canvas

Dimension:60.96 X 91.44 Centimeters

When my knowledgeable friend [That friend of mine is strictly G.I. -- Gibbering Idiot!] saw this painting, he had a few questions to ask, which I thought, would share with you , just to help you in case, the same questions are haunting you like a civil unrest in your stomach.

1)Sorcy, are you a pervert?

Ans:Hmmm…Errr…Yeah. It looks good on me with this straw hat.

2)Are you obsessed with b**bs?

Ans:Errrr….Hmmm…Errrr….

3)Oh..Speechless.Are you?

Ans:Yeah..They always make me..I mean make everyone. I believe in the theory that when I speak, I speak for everyone.

4)Do you have a name for her..I mean the chick in the painting?

Ans:CHICK???HOOOH!!!She must be called the LONA MISA.

5)Why aint she dressed Sorcy?

Ans:Hmm…I seriously don’t want any researchers doing some awesome art research on the painting after a few centuries and then forming theories that I am not straight.[Lookie what happened to Da Vinci.].To Quote myself ”The only thing I got straight in my life is my orientation”. I wish so to 'uphold' that and the thing that goes along with it straight.

6)Who is LONA MISA?

Ans;I seriously don’t know. I was just Googling up some images of tattoo and found the photograph of this pink cabbage wearing tattoo worth painting.

7)What exactly is the dimension?

Ans:Hmm…From the best of my assessment , she should be a 36 E.

8)I meant the dimension of the painting...What is it..Tell me what is it..What is it tell me?

Ans: Owkay! Hmm Da painting you meant?..it is 3ft by 2ft. It's pretty large [Input:Dramatic Pause] painting.

9)Where you gonna hang this painting? In your bedroom?

Ans:Errr..No Thank you.I do have my wood mornings everyday. Don't need the help of a painting.

10) How do you find time to paint?

Ans:Yeah,really serious question.First thing you should do is look around, where you have kept all your clothes,piled up like mt Everest.Then Slowly take a deep breathe,take a few steps backward,gently...very gently size up the piled up clothes....Run towards it and dive into it..Frantically..search for that..[Yes, you are allowed to make weird voices and make faces like you are having an orgasm while searching for it]. Viola..you will find that it has managed to get entangled with your hands. Found one?Yeah..wear it. Cultivate clean habits. [I know Britney and Hilton will differ with me on this.].To Summarize..You don't find time...Time finds you!!

11)What inspires you to paint?

Ans:A nice cup of STFU and potato wafers.

12) How can you get started on painting?

Ans:Repeat after me: I will Google before asking stupid questions.

13)When will you ever paint something with clothes on?

Ans:HOOH!! I ALWAYS paint with my clothes ON. It helps me stand closer to the canvas.

____________________

[LONA MISA..In the making ]

__________________________+

.::KOVALAM ESCAPADE::.

2011-04-14T01:05:00.000+05:30

After a month of warfare , me and my awesome buddies from war front [Thiranthoram payals], having nothing more to do to keep our pea-brains occupied decided to do an escapade to Kovalam beach.

Seriously, a month of diplomatic pole dancing had exhausted us beeeg time.

We were supposed to reach there at mid-noon. But some zombie friends of mine wanted to hug their pillow and went to sleep dreaming of fairies in 36D. [38 D would have been more appropriate, but who would want to suffocate in their sleep and have an orgasmic death.]

Deepak, a machan was our driver. He was multi talented.He could drive, smoke,talk on phone,drive, swear at other drivers and crack jokes and laugh with his eyes closed.

For me, ,he resembled the ferryman on the river Styx with the attitude of Genghis khan.Even Genghis would need a diaper in such situations.

For the unfortunate drivers on the road, we were trying to achieve a land speed record in a brand new Hyundai i10 chick. The horn was just an underused attraction.He preferred to squeak the tires to get other driver's attention.

Kannan, a trained criminologist reminded Deepak of his impending doctorate at JNU, as a psychological bargain to spare his life from the roller-coaster ride.

The people at the backseat were pinned to the backseat.Sheer physics in motion. I heard someone checking the model number and the dual air-bag feature..just in case.

Thanks to our wonderful timing. By the time we reached there most firangi chicks had cocooned themselves in blankets to protect themselves from the cold wind and possible androgens that could have tried their kung-fu on them.

So we were left with our CANON EOS 1000 D Cam. [My first stint with DSLR's] .

This is what our balls...I meant...eyeballs focused on next.

10)

nature..aaaaaaaaaahhh....Bliissssssssssss!!!

The beautiful clouds..the beautiful sea..

By the time we decided to strip our cloths off and run down towards the waves... the lifeguard asked us to pull up our pants and scoot...cuz it was getting really dark and most of us would be visible only when we smiled. With his beer belly beer beer beer belly belly belly beer belly, he looked like an inverted question mark.

Intelligence reports suggested us that some coffee bars are serving BEER on an election day, which is served in coffee mugs under cover. So innocently we consumed enough brewed malt and made Vijay Mallya even richer.

*sigh

Driving back was requiem of a dream which we had a few hours back. Well, we reached our den safe and in one piece.

__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

2011-03-19T16:30:00.000+05:30

Sorcerer: I The King of This world and beyond... FREE YOU FROM THE BONDS OF FLU

Sorcerer: I FREEEEEEEEEE YOU FROM THE BONDS OF FLU

Sorcerer: You are thus healed.

Susie: was all the caps supposed to give the effect?

Sorcerer: har har har..yes

Susie: for a person who is down with flu, do u realise, it makes no difference.. for their ear has lost its capacity to differentiate the decibel levels

Susie: I'm awesome

Sorcerer: nice to know that you are reading through your ears

Sorcerer: Well..That explains the magnitude of your FLU

..
..

OfficeSlave:Dude..Help me get outta her.

Sorcerer:Sure thing...Tell me what weird position did you try on her.

OfficeSlave:*here

..
..

Wiseguy:Flirting with cyberchicks?

Genius:Shaping up a beautiful world actually.

Sorcerer:Orgasm or Obesity...That's the question...Right?

Genius:Exaaaaaaaactly.
..
..

Geek:..So after that I am gonna get my Phd.

Sorcerer:Gwad..Cant believe it..you believe in Spam mails and pr0n?

Geek:What are you talking about.

Sorcerer:The question is.."what exactly do you mean by 'Phd'".

Geek:What is Phd?

Ps:*sigh..This Geek Guy got pushed down the evolution tree..or may be he broke the branch cuz he was over weight or somethin.

..
..

Genius: When you'd be with a girl you'd not even mention words that would start with 's'.

Really_Harmless_Guy: like...Sleep? Well..I have better things to do..unlike you..

Genius:Can you believe it...That color is a major turn off on such a hot girl.

Sorcerer:Absolutely..It's like the pop up blocker on Internet explorer.

Siji: ..So the little monster kids didn't even bother me on my way back.

Sorcerer: That's something..The kids these days are well behaved.*sigh.What is the world turning into?

Siji: Nope..It's because of the Aura around me.See..even the TTE [Travelling Ticket Examiner] didn't ask me for the ticket.

Sorcerer: Soo..If I don't take bath for like 2 days..I get same Aura like you.Right?Poor T.TE..what all things they gotta put up with.
..
..

Genius:...I have to go to this party and my girl friend said..I better be presentable.Lots of hot chicks in there I presume!!

Sorcerer:She must have meant..you should be wearing your straight jacket.

__________________________+

.::SMOKY TAIL::.

2011-03-01T19:39:00.004+05:30

Thought I would get my hands dirty [Mind already is..A fact my regular blog readers would agree without even a second thought].

Yeah..So...Where was I..Yeah..okay...I thought I would get my hands dirty and come up with something Wickid for my awesome blog readers..[Yes...You..I am talking about you]

So I made this Wickid horse out of Plaster of Paris...I even gave it a name.

"Smoky Tail".

Thank you, I know it's an awesome name.

When I first started making it..I was unsure of what animal it would turn out to be.So...I kept working on it..shaping it; dirtying the table cloth , the floor and myself in the process.That is when I realized the 'humor sense' of my mom which is very dry and sarcastic [Must be the summer ..It better be the summer climate] and how much my family appreciates 'Creative thingies.' Finally, it started looking like a horse than an ass [Thanks to the prayers....mom.]

Talking about my art..where did I get the inspiration.Nope..It was not gas or Crazy Horse show from FTv.[I don't eat potatoes much these days but thanks again for understanding me in detail] .When I was a little kid, I always wanted a horse,a dragon and a girl in Tutu. I think it's the little kid in me who always wanted a horse made this horse.

I searched for inspiration on Google and came up with some awesome stunning pics of horse [Ps:Not Horse Pr0n] and that was the beginning of a whole week of getting my hands dirty with Plaster of Paris

Now..if you are getting an inspiration to get your hands dirty, stop Google pr0n and start Google 'Plaster of Paris' thingies.

All you need is

1)Lots of Plaster of Paris [The darn things gets harder faster than..ya know what ..guyzzz.So be prepared before you make it 'wet'.]

2) Brushes [I had a medium sized brush and a normal water color painting brush..Yes..those kind which you can steal from a school going kid]

3)Patience [Exactly the same amount where in you wait for your parents to go to sleep before you put on 'awesome movies'/Channels.]

4) Sculpting tools like..Scissors, kitchen knife, nail, Blade , Spoon Handle etc.

5)Plastic Container to mix the Plaster of Paris.

6)Paper pulp.

How to make a Plaster of Paris Sculpture thingy

1)Wear your work cloths.If you are an IT professional, wear any crap .If you are not sure.. strip down naked.

2) Draw the outline of the sculpture you want to make on a piece of hard wood.

If you can't find a hard wood, try using a hard board or something hard as a base which is flat of course.

3)Apply thin layer of paper pulp and shape it according to the image.

4)Apply the mix of Plaster of Paris on it using the brush.

Of-course..its that easy..All you gotta do is just try it.

____________________

Thank you my 'Black File Folder' without you, my horse would never get its awesome black background.

Thank you..your highmess Siji for giving awesome inputs on Plaster of Paris sculpting.

__________________________+

.::MANAGERS::.

2011-02-05T17:10:00.001+05:30

Alright...Long time, I've been here. Well, of course, I was really having a fun time a few months back. But these days, Karma is hunting me like a blond having a bad hair day armed with a shot gun.

Anyway,I decided to update my blog with a new series,"What they don't teach you at Harvard, No matter What".Sounds pretty lame, but that's the whole point.
w00t!!!
..
..

Over the years, in the corporate world, I have worked in many positions.[Naaa..Not talking about those from Kamasutra,Perfumed Garden or Positions of the Tao or the Pentagon's Favorite..Middle-East position.Apart from the last one, I know you would Google up the first 3! Wickid!!.]

I dedicate this blog-post to a few of my awesome managers, who have been my perspiration from the very beginning in my career life.Thanks, without you people I would never have understood that there are Aftershaves that smell flowery.Thank you Pansies for whole new dimension of enlightenment.

..
..
There are times in our corporate life, when we look up the corporate tree and see hairy butts staring right back at us.
These Butts can be classified into 3 Categories. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. It's a UNISEX definition.The gender doesn't matter here cuz they all gonna screw you and you still remain a virgin, strictly from a technical point of view.
..
..

The Good Managers.

Good managers are a myth.It's like a corporate fantasy.They are rare like vegetable pieces in hostel food.
The Good managers only exist on 'Naughty America-Naughty Office' p0rn series. Their office is well lighted, has a couch [Get it?] usually black, has a broken computer and very firm desk which can withstand hurricane forces of Category 5.

The good managers are usually female.

They give you
a)good job [Khi khi khi],
b)make you work really hard or make it really hard for you to work.[Both ways, you WILL love it]
c)Even let you spank them.
d)All of the above.
*sigh
Yes guyz, good managers like these come with .Mpeg Extension.
*sigh

The Bad Managers

Bad Managers exist because, it's illegal to carry shotguns to the office.Having said that, let me describe them in details.
To start with, they have bad breath and they make you laugh with their reasoning abilities in brain storming sessions.Guys, only way to supress your laugh in such brain storming sessions is to wear tight underwear.

They are gifted with crumbs of IQ. They LOVE to have meetings every half an hour to 'Get the work done', which would otherwise happen smooooothly.They are more considerate towards the Coffee cup than the team they are handling.They love to read reports and not really intersted in what's COOKIN!.

Let's construct a possible conversation with a BAD MANAGER and his Wife

Bad Manager:Honey..I am Home!!!

Bad Manager's wife:Oohh!! I was waiting for you.You...hmmmmm...You wanna do it?[wink]

Bad Manager:Nope!! Just send me the report.

Yes, and we conclude that they love to get the thing done, but they don't like the 'details' part.
..

They are always on schedule for lunch and coffee breaks.Bad managers in good mood tells joke, which is a very bad thing considering their IQ level;but you can't help it but suffer in silence like a fart in elevator.

They buy 'Ecnomic Times' just to swat flies. They login on chat clients pretending to be '16 year old female' alone at home with a broken nail just hanging out on the Internet for fun'.

Some make productive use of the internet to trade in stocks to buy migrane tablets.Some 'research' on the internet for latest MMS Scandal.That's when they become BAD Bad Manager sitting with legs crossed staring at the computer screen with eyes wide open.It's their way of making the obvious 'point' very clear to you.

They are very good motivators,when they are away from office.
The common words/phrases a bad manager use are .

"Are we clear?","Send me the report","Okay","Nope","Send me the report","Do it","Email","Call","Meeting","Conference","Send me the report","Box","Expectation","Low"."Send me the report", "and your point is...","FYI","ASAP",BTW".

As for you,you just need to learn "WTF".[Don't say it aloud though]

They also mimic certain traits from the animal kingdom.They make certain sounds, when they are confused, angry, upset, confused,before every sentence, after every sentence, confused, over the phone ; most of the time they are confused like a blonde with a vaccum cleaner.["err...I heard it 's for suck...Where do I suck it?"]

"Aaaaaaa...." Means they are confused and really don't know how to confuse you.Usually used at the begining of sentence to buy some time or trying to figure out words which are beyond your comprehension like Holidays,Day off,Vacation etc
Example:Aaaaaaaa...So...you seee...aaaaa....yeah....the Procurment....aaaaaa...Whats the date today?"

"hmmmmm...." Means the bad manager is confused[as usual]. If you are a girl, he is confused about your Cup Size and if you are a guy he is thinking about hiring a HOT Chick instead of you.
Example:Hmmmmm......And you were saying....[Yes!! He was defenitely "Staring"]

"Aaaahaaaaa....."Means, he has found a good reason to fire you or make you sound like a total moron.
Example:Aaaahahaaaa..Thats a nice idea.Thank God you told me that.Yes we can size down the team that way and still get going.

"Ha ha ha ha ...." Means he is laughing at his own joke.
Example:Ha ha ha ha ha..I saw this guy running behind a bus..hahahahaha...ya know...running...behind....hahahahaha..bus.

"Uh oh" Means your fly is unzipped [If you are a guy] or it could mean that the FONT you chose for the report is BURNING his eyes.
Example:Uh oh!!When did we start printing reports on toilet papers!

"I seeeeeeeee....." Seriously, he means it.He is visualizing you as a jackass trying to climb the empire state building without harness.
Example:I seeeeeeee.....Sooo....You do it.

"Oooh...." Means the coffee is too hot for him or he is surprised that with him screwing the whole project beeg time you manage to get it done.Yeah, he is surprised at his own incompetence.
Example:OOoh!! We finished on time !/?.

"That aaaaaa......" Serious case of Vocabulary deficiency in the diet.Nooo..Don't help him out with words, its fun to see them gesture with the hands, I mean..putting the words in motion.
Example:What do you call that aaa.....that aaaa....Ya know...that aaa.....

I don't want to be so mean..I mean they are usually harmless, other than their jokes and their fantasy like a Knight in shining pink tutu.
Only escape from these managers is to wear those T-Shirt saying "Up Yours".Well...some people take it for granted and ' Bad things happen', so, seriously, do it at your own risk.

The Ugly Managers

As the words suggest, they are UGLY. Noo..Not how they look, but how they act.They throw tantrums more than a woman having 'one of those days' and a 'bad hair day' combined.They exist in the corporate world because, they are very counter productive and has connections.They have High blood pressure and low IQ.[Same Species..dood].They would have become extinct if certain latex products didnt hold on to their low production standards.They are endangered and they endanger our lives.

They speak in High decibel volume.They live in a fantasy of bondage games and think that everyone is scared of them.Certain Ugly Managers learn the reality the hard way ,during Terrace Parties.
They speak sense, according to them, which make no sense what so ever.They have awesome analytical skills.They can distinguish between coffee and tea.

They shout at you cuz he is the BOSS at work.[Yes! he sleeps on the floor every night and wakes up with a cramped neck.Understandable.] He is getting paid for shouting..word per word.
They know evvvvvvvvvvvvrrryyything like where the paper clip is and where to find 'solitaire' games on windows.
..
..

A Conversation which happened with a Manager of an International MNC.

Me:Hello!! Madam. I am calling from Kasaragode.

Manager:Errr..Why are you calling here, You should be calling Bangalore.This is the State Operations for Kerala.

Me:I Said...I am calling from Kasaragode and I am calling my Corporate HQ.

Manager:Well..You should call Bangalore,Karnataka.Kasaragode is in Karnataka.

Me:*Sigh!!!Okay. Madam...Last time I checked which was like 2 minutes ago, Kasaragode is Still the Northern District in Kerala.

Manager:You should Call Bangalore.

See..I told ya...They KNOW EVERYTHING!!! They even have certificates to prove that they acquired this stupidity by paying huge fee in our countries reputed institutions.

Ps:It's natural to miss geographical facts.But its Okay to LISTEN and Understand.There is nothing wrong in saying "SORRY!My Bad." "or.."I didn't hear you right the first time" ..It's a win-win situation rather than make a complete Pink ass out of themselves.
Trust me this way..it's more fun.

..
..

Ugly managers are authorised to use the F word.They can and they Will.They exist on the TOP because they know how to make a complete ass out of you, thus making them more 'intellinent' in the circle. They love to 'see' the report and 'throw' it right back at you.
..
..
Let's construct a possible conversation with an Ugly MANAGER and his Wife

Ugly Manager:I am home.

Ugly Manager_wife:Oohh!! I was waiting for you.You...hmmmmm...You wanna do it?[wink]

Ugly manager:Fcuk You.

Ugly Manager_Wife:Fcuk you too..
and that's how they live happily ever after.

..
..

The Ugly Manager can be anywhere.You could win the Jack Ass award for "Wrong place at the wrong time" when you are around with these kind of managers.With a bit of effort, you can win it 5 times in a row.[After that It won't be called the "Jack Ass award"].

The best way to ESCAPE such managers is to wear clothes that match the wall paint of the office and BLEND into it. Stay slim so that you can hide behind Pillars and water dispensers.Walk below their visible range, even it means crawling, on the floor when moving from cubicle to cubicle.

They like to be in Control and thats reflected in the constipated grimace on their face.They are always in control, that's why they shout.Yeah it's good to make the gas escape through the upper vent other than in an offkey harmoney through the lower vent.

They steal things from you.They are paid to 'Steal' your ideas or research reports and make it the property of the Corporate in his name. That's how they encourage you big time.

These managers are kinda like a flu, you really dont' want them, but it's all over you.

____________________

WARNING:If they have a big smile on their face, you are walking into an ambush

WARNING:If your reasoning is going according to your plan, you are defenitely walking into an ambush.

WARNING:If they are nodding their head,for everything you say, you are walking into ambush..beeg time.

WARNING: If they say "it's Alright".You are walking into an Am...Wait for it..bush.

WARNING:If they complement you for what you did and you smiled,ring up your loved ones.Cuz you just entered Ambush County!

Well!! Anyway.The whole point is Surviving them. The Rule of the game is "Not to take anything Personal."
__________________________+

.::HAPPY REPUBLIC DAY::.

2011-01-26T00:00:00.001+05:30

Republic Day Wishes

____________________

"Civilizations have arisen in other parts of the world. In ancient and modern times, wonderful ideas have been carried forward from one race to another...But mark you, my friends, it has been always with the blast of war trumpets and the march of embattled cohorts. Each idea had to be soaked in a deluge of blood..... Each word of power had to be followed by the groans of millions, by the wails of orphans, by the tears of widows. This, many other nations have taught; but India for thousands of years peacefully existed. Here activity prevailed when even Greece did not exist... Even earlier, when history has no record, and tradition dares not peer into the gloom of that intense past, even from until now, ideas after ideas have marched out from her, but every word has been spoken with a blessing behind it and peace before it. We, of all nations of the world, have never been a conquering race, and that blessing is on our head, and therefore we live....!" - Swami Vivekananda

____________________

Some Quotes on Mother India which will make us Indians Proud.

"India conquered and dominated China culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single soldier across her border."

- Hu Shih (Former Ambassador of China to USA)

Historians, writers, politicians and other eminent personalities across the Globe have greatly appreciated India and its contribution to rest of the world. Though these remarks are only a partial reflection of the greatness of India, they certainly make us feel proud of our motherland.

"We owe a lot to the Indians, who taught us how to count, without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have been made!"

- Albert Einstein (Theoretical Physicist, Germany)

"There are some parts of the world that, once visited, get into your heart and won't go. For me, India is such a place. When I first visited, I was stunned by the richness of the land, by its lush beauty and exotic architecture, by its ability to overload the senses with the pure, concentrated intensity of its colors, smells, tastes, and sounds. It was as if all my life I had been seeing the world in black and white and, when brought face-to-face with India, experienced everything re-rendered in brilliant technicolor."

- Keith Bellows (Editor-in-chief, National Geographic Society

"India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most artistic materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only!"

- Mark Twain (Writer, America
____________________

__________________________+

.::TALK TALK::.

2011-01-09T17:26:00.000+05:30

Wiseguy:Hey, did anybody called my phone while I was out?

Sorcerer:Nope.Why?

Wiseguy: Naa..My girl friend said, she would be here before I even get up.

Sorcerer: Did she say.."Get up" or.."Get It Up?".

An:Man..its too cold these days.

Sorcerer:Yeah, it sure is and ya know what? You are wearing your sweater inside out.Is that cuz its ribbed...For yer pleasure.

Genius:Whose driving?

Wiseguy:Me.

Genius:Yeah..give me all yer beer, cuz I am on damage control mode.

Wiseguy:I am off to the temple.

Sorcerer:Ya know..wearing that white mundu and walking along the streets of Bangalore;i pray my friend that street dogs don't mistake your hairy legs for a Pomeranian and start humping it. Ewwwwwwww..that's a terrible mental image

Genius:That would be really hilarious and I wonder how many dogs will have wetdreams tonight.

Wiseguy:You sickos..

__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::

2011-01-03T15:54:00.000+05:30

Hello World;

Well, I was away from action on the blog-ville for quiet a few months..What ya know!!, Life surely is a crowded train and we all have pressing matters to handle.Anyway..Happy Moo year to all the vegetarians out there and A very happy new year to the rest of the world.

____________________

LostChick:Sorcy, you know that what ever you say would be used against you.

Sorcerer:Ooohh...Wickid..Can I say something?

LostChick:huh!! I am not talking to you.
..

Wiseguy:Aarrrrghhhh!!! The computer says it can't find my joystick.

Sorcerer:Hmmm...So is with your girl friend.Aint it?
..

Sorcerer: nope..nope
no
I speak for the whole of mankind

Siji: u cahnot speak for ne mankind....i mean u r not man kind!

Sorcerer: yeah.Iam a Kind Man.Glad you noticed

Siji: i lyke dat abt u

Sorcerer: hmmm...that sarcasm looks good on u
nice..where did u get that?

Siji: i borrowed it frm ya

Sorcerer: yeah... hope its keeping u warm in this winter

Siji: aha!!
..

Myth:So.I am going out with this law chick tonight.You guys..sit here with the machines on your lap to keep your crotch warm.

Genius:Yeah..Go on buddy..Good luck with what ever..

Sorcerer:May your date be a success and may you have an honorable discharge Myth.

Sri:so..yeah..she aint picking up my call after that discussion.

Sorcerer:Ya know..body language is important and more importantly you are not supposed to grin when you ask a cute H.R if there are any openings with her.The whole thing becomes a pickup line...but ..WOW!!!

"All the world's a Blog, and all the men and women merely blog-posts!! "-Sorcerer doing a Shakespeare on life
__________________________+

.::CON VER SA TIONS ::.

2010-12-20T22:55:00.000+05:30

Genius:So you ain't going to your girl's home or whut?

Wiseguy: Naa..She's got pest control people or something over there.

Genius:Well..that explains and..keep your distance till the guys with the pest gun leave.

..

Genius:Next time you shut down the lid of my laptop with that 'thud' sound..I am gonna kick you into orbit.

Sorcerer:can I have an autograph..errr...Mr.Chuck Norris?
..

Wiseguy:Dude!! I get motion sickness out of reading in the main chatroom.
..

IceCold:Dude! She was soo hot and I was kinda nervous when I was talking to her..ya know.I think I made a total ass out of myself.

Sorcerer:Yeah we saw that..your whole body was shaking like an ass with Parkinson's.

IceCold:Huh!! The machine says "The package is corrupt."

Sorcerer:Never..ever think of donating "some" and making money!!

WiseGuy:Fruit you!!
Sorcerer:Now, if you are making it sound less perverted..it's not..it reminds everyone of the pineapple Joke.well which is.pretty hilarious.

__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

2010-12-01T23:20:00.000+05:30

Sorcerer : u haf to do exactly as i say

Timone : r u crazzzzy?

Timone : do wat u say :O

Sorcerer : its to bug someone ....royally

Timone: Wow! sounds lyk a perfect suicide plot.

Sorcerer : DO IT.

Timone : orderin lil me around?

Timone : heard of amnesty international ...........???

Sorcerer : For you it would be P.E.T.A

..
..

Shawty: Hey, Do I look good in this white outfit?

Sorcerer:Wow! You look like a star,,err...white dwarf actually.

..
..

Wiseguy: Beautiful Sunday today and I am gonna do something really good today for the world.

Sorcerer:Err..Like sterlizing yourself?

..
..
Siji:So, it was doing it, just like the humans do.

Sorcerer:Well!we Humans do that.

Siji:Sorc! we are still trying to establish the fact that you are a human.

..
..

Genius:So, he won't be coming for the party.

Wiseguy:Yeah, he is accompanying his Girl friend for shopping.

Genius:Classic hostage situation.

__________________________+

.::TRAIN JOURNEY::.

2010-11-19T21:12:00.000+05:30

There was a time in my life where, I used to commute quiet a lot in trains.Traveling in General Compartment which, always defied physics, because each passenger will be sticking on to dear life by something called as 'surface tension' between the human bodies.A passenger can assume various Yoga postures while traveling in one of those crowded,awesome General Compartments.Sure thing, nothing can beat the Sauna bath a traveler gets in one of those crowded compartments.Thanks to our Railways, who strategically place the General Compartments like Thenga(coconut) in puttu(Err..an eating thing, I don't prefer much]

..
..

Then there are days, when you find the compartments deserted,with only a few souls.It was one of those days, and yes, my day was about to get much better.

"Even days don't come without strings attached."-Sorcerer on Days.

I searched for the novel, which I had ~~stolen~~ ~~taken~~ claimed from my cousin, a day before, inside my backpack.But, zilch, my cousin had stolen it back,shamelessly. I made a mental note to booby-trap my back-pack when I leave it unattended next time.I remember seeing him with 'Gee_I_Peed_in_My_Pants smile' [Also called Sheepish Smile] on the breakfast table that morning.

I decided to spend the time productively and took out my mobile phone to play some 'awesome' games on it.There was not a single chick in the compartment and made me wonder if that was the reason why this compartment was deserted.It's like this situation where you have whole lots of bread and you don't have that cute ketchup to start eating it with.
Fellow passengers didn't fit my orientation, which was as straight as the railway tracks and *sigh..Gaming on the mobile was my only option, then.

..
..

A few harmless minutes passed by and then there was this smell of 'Royal Mirage' in the air.Being a mallu, I knew what was coming.Then soon there is a buffet of various perfumes, colognes, rosewater in the air. Your nostrils feel dizzy and ask for mercy.This is when your nose stops working and you can't even smell the aroma of coffee you are drinking.

The next shock comes as sound waves.The high pitch shrieks of kids fill the air around you.These little monsters open their mouth only for 2 reasons,

1)Eat.

2)Shriek at a higher frequency than any opera singer.

Soon..these kids will be everywhere inside the compartment, even eyeing your biscuit packet, hanging from a fan on the ceiling.

Now there is a small train of people who is moving through the narrow passage way inside the train trying to locate a place to keep their various Cargo,including the noisy cargo also called kids.
Those luggages resemble miniature golf carts.These luggage bags are kept around the place where they sit and they "fortify" themselves in the middle of it.
Any mallu would soon conclude that, this small contingent of people have just landed from gelf and onto a summer vacation some place or heading home after Dufai Shopping Festival.

The Alpha Male of such a gang can be identified by his physical characteristics.He kinda resembles a beached Beluga Whale.He would bellow at high pitched growl to silence the kids[A futile effort,though] and at times taking head counts,just to be sure that none of the kids are thrown out or locked inside the toilet,by some one whose nerves the kids have managed do a tap dance on.The alpha male would, usually be wearing a white shirt and would be having a white hand kerchief and a bit of white hair on the sides of his head.I said Beluga Whale..Didn't I?

The females in that gang, was wearing all bling bling stuff that would blind you momentarily and footwear with pointed heels-a self defence mechanism in crowded trains for ladies.They are dressed to kill or at least blind you, practically. A lady in that gang was cradling an infant who managed to be the centre of attraction by high pitched shrieks in off key harmony.The rest of the female gang swung into action trying to stop the baby from crying by making all weird noises and name calling.I think that scared the baby even more.
The guy sitting next to me gave a audible sigh.I think he was on the verge of crying, seeing all this.

I looked at the alpha male,giving him a pathetic look for his lack of knowledge in contraceptives or spending too much time here in homeland.I think, half the people in the compartment was having the same thought.They were all looking at him.

A few of us guy's attention was captured by an older chick of that gang,hopefully single.She kinda resembled Britney Spears in her prime.The moment I saw her I knew that she is an artist and she likes to paint on her own face.Well! that's nice when the weather holds good and is not raining.I do not think the make-up paint thing has weather shield like Asian Paints.For me she was an interesting specimen for research[Educational Purpose Only]. If I say, she overdid the make-up thing, that would be an understatement.I have seen it on Discovery channel that, certain species of animals use color to attract mates,like certain primates who turn their butts deep red color when they are sexually aroused!! Here it was not the butts,but,cheeks.[Noo..Not Butt-cheeks.]
In my case, I don't do clowns.That's a terrible mental image.Scaaaaaaaarry!!!

The other kiddos in the gang, were not really bothered by anything..They were high on candy and chocolates. They would effortlessly make their way between the legs of the persons who are wearing pants and is standing in the compartment.The kiddos had brand new Nokia handset with them which made me hide my good old NOKIA 6020 in panic from their visual range.Another kid had a video game in his hands and his face showed the eagerness to take it apart, piece by piece and make that electronic gadget into a jigsaw puzzle.

The girl kiddos in the gang,looked like miniature Barbie Dolls, off the shelf. I assumed that the outfit they wore would bling bling in the dark.I even had doubts, if those dresses had small L.E.D lights and beeper tones in it .These lil queen bees actually controlled the male kids in the gang.At times these Barbie kids would order the male kid to get them water, packaged fruit juice,chocolates, biscuits etc from inside the 'fort'; and male kids would oblige even without a questioning look.
Yeah! It's like that since our caveman days...aint it?

I tried to take a nap, but every few minutes, I was awaken by the ill timed alarm clock also called the shrieking kid.
A few hours later, I got down at my station, leaving the fanfare behind.
__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

2010-11-09T20:07:00.000+05:30

Sorcerer:So...you eat chicken and then you make fun of me who eats sea creatures.

Siz:See.Sorc..I eat chicken...Butttttttttttt.... [Melodramatic Pause]

Sorcerer:Oh..Okay!! So you eat chicken Butt and then you make fun of me who eats sea creatures!!!
..

Genius:Ya know..this guy, he is soo smart!!

Sorcerer:Oh Really? Is he single?

Genius:Nope!! He is married...

Sorcerer:And you call that smart?
..

Genius trying to walk on the railing on the terrace!!

Genius:Hey! If I fall down, do call and ambulance that has awesome ring tone!! Okay?

That statement made by him, really made me wonder that, the scintists should be looking at our terrace to find the 'missing link', not dig up bones of prehistoric men.
..

Pirate:Dude, these days, I feel so lonely.

Sorcerer:I can understand, your beer belly explains it all.
..

Genius:Sitting close to the TV is bad for your eyes.

Really Harmless Guy:Talking to me while watching T.V is bad for your ass.
..

"My internet is putting me on a diet..It won't let me have more than a few bytes"-Sorcerer on Internet Connection.
..

Siz:You are a narcist.

Sorcerer:Nope..I am straight.

Sorcerer:Hey!! heard your best buddy is moving back to the hostel?

Timon:Yeah..such hard times approaching.*sigh
..

Loco_Poco: what does soda mean?

Sorcerer : Bottled fart in layman's terms
..

Lost_Chick:Bye.

Sorcerer:Hey!! Wait till the internet stops before you step off..Okay..Take care..bye.

__________________________+

.::KITCHEN N00B::.

2010-10-21T23:49:00.003+05:30

On my way back to Bangalore this time, I was bestowed with the honor of being accompanied by a n00b, fresh from campus looking for 'Opportunities' in Bangalore.
A n00b , packaged at source just like stupidity and mineral water- Thank you God for reminding me that the teasing times are not over...YET!!!

The n00b was totally excited about coming to Bangalore and harvest few dollars from the IT farms here.Just like Homer Simpson's knowledge of American Geography, my friend,n00b, has awesome trust in his programming knowledge.I really don't want to explain to him and ruin the surprises various H.R Managers has in store for him when he goes for the interview with his 3 inch knowledge.I am not that bad guy who would ruin someone's surprise..Am I?

THe n00b was silent for a while, may be deeply thinking about what he had not formatted on his computer back home or all the p0rn that he had failed to back up and had deleted mercilessly- A situation like mercy killing a teddy bear which your lover had given you.

I thought I would engage the n00b in a conversation and try to give him a little orientation to the I.T scenario.
I like talking to kids whose IQ is pretty much below the numeric scale and that you would need a shovel to dig to find their IQ's. [Not that I am pretty good with IQ, but as THIS is my blog, I like to maintain my awesome standards, atleast..here.]

Trust me..trying to initiate a conversation with a hyperactive n00b was big mistake.I was trying hard to find the center of gravity in the conversation..something similiar to a chick with with huge silicon implants trying to walk on the sandy beach without toppling over.
My karma was behaving like and A.T.M without cash.

The n00b was yapping..yapping..yapping at 70 KmPH, a notch higher than the official highway speed.
Time moved on..my head began nodding which the n00b thought , I was agreeing to his conversation bits.Actually, I was nodding myself to sleep.

If the n00b had not fallen asleep and had planned to continue with his hyperactive excitement about his upcoming life in Bangalore, I had a few plans with the window curtain that was fluttering around.Well, the window curtain was Plan -B.

After the rattle of the n00b subsided, I thought I would take a nap,which wasn't no biggie since I dose off the instant I get into a moving thing (even see-saws). Again....karma was sticking to me like bubble gum under the shoes.As soon as I was about to take my first step into my dream pool,I was harshly pulled back by a high pitched voice from the back seat. An otherwise cute looking chick has turned herself into a digital-dolby monster, talking on her phone.She must be from Cochin as she ended her every sentence with "What Rubbisssss".[With all due respect..fello kochin Mallu people..hope you got my drift].My dear readers, these "what rubbisssss" was flying around my head like tweety bird around Sylvester the cat.."Suffering...Succotasshhh...."

Next day..I would get down the bus as a zombie..with bloodshot eyes and all.The all luxury travel is such a myth these days.Sigh]
..
..

I think I wiill continue the 'musings of the n00b in Bangalore' in the upcoming posts.This post will concentrate on the n00b in the kitchen .
..
..

N00b had 2 options, either to go on a 'diet' till the 't' fades out or learn to cook. Being so awesome myself in cooking; I thought I would give this n00b a few lesson in making edible food.
"Hey Kid,cooking is not exactly rocket science, but if you are not really careful with the cooking gas, you could attain the escape velocity, just like a rocket"-I explained in simple Engiish. [The kid just blinked his eyes in response.[What else do ya expect out of a n00b?]

N00b Instance 1)

I asked the n00b to cut the tomatos.The n00b was totally excited.May be the color of the vegetable attracted him. Even I was taken back by the enthu this kid showed to cut the vegetables.
"Call me when you are done with it." Giving him a nod, I moved out of the kitchen, with an evil grin on my face.Who won't be happy to get a slave, that too absolutely FREE!!!!

I thought I would just concentrate on some deeper issues and logged on to the internet to chat with a few fellow inmates.
The kid was whistling away to the tune of some Rubbissss music.
Even after 20 Minutes, I didn't get any response from the kitchen.There was not even a smoke signal.So, I decided to check on the apprentice n00b.
The scene at the kitchen shocked me!!

The n00b has managed to cut the tomato into 4 equal pieces.He has also managed to scoop up the flesh from inside the tomato and had thrown it as vegetable waste.With the tip of the knife he was painstalkingly removing every seed out of the tomato.

WTF?
"Hey what the fluffy duck thing are you doing?" I asked the n00b in astonishment and despair.
"What?I am just taking the seeds out of the tomato." came an innocent reply.

Next thing, I took out my mobile phone, took a snap of the situation. The n00b tried to cover up the evidence with his hands while I took the pic.But, anyway,you know what happened.

..
..

N00b Instance 2)
"Do you know how to speak Good Hindi?" I asked the n00b.
He gave me a pathetic look in response, which said so many things.
"Do you know the vegetable names, in Hindi?" I asked again
"yeah!!"
Okay.here is the list in English, just go buy these.
The n00b gave another 'super pathetic' look to me, pitying me on my lack of knowledge in Hindi.[It's another Urban Myth, just ask a few of my friends how apun speaks so much awesomer Hindi]

The actual part was, I don't want to drag myself out of the warmth of my home and hit the street, cross the road and then buy the vegetables.

I really don't want him to get enlighted too soon. Yeah! I can manage a few more weeks with that You_don't_know_Hindi_I_know_Hindi look with a stupid twisted smile from the n00b.
..
..

N00b Instance 3)

I gave the n00b another dangerous mission.slicing chillies.Well, he was extraordinarily brave that day and had sliced the chilli in various geomatrical shapes.
"I gave him a thumbs up sign" encouraging him to come up with more innovations like that. Serioulsy, who is not going to feel happy when you bite on a pyramid shaped chilli piece in the food?
After cutting the chillies, I relieved the kid of his duties for that day.

The kid happily went into the loo.Never knew cutting chilli had put that much pressure on his bowels

After some time the n00b came out with a stupid smile[ Smile resembling an achievement of sort].

"Oooooooooooohhh...It's burning!!!!!" the N00b said.His face resemlbed the color of the tomato I was cooking.
"What happened?" I asked innocently.[Well..who wouldn't have guessed?]
"I went to take a leak" he said.
"Awwww.Alright!!!Hope your aim was better" I taught him to look at a positive side, even in those burning times.

Remember..always encourage n00bs.They are tomorrows village idiots!

..
..
Well,there are many funny instances.This n00b was jumping up and down when he had done with cutting the onions.;which was particularly very intersting from my vantage point, anyway.

..
..
It's really fun to have a n00b around your kitchen.More entertaining than television these days.Hope that the n00b doesn't disappoint me.

__________________________+

.:: CONVERSATIONS::.

2010-10-15T23:26:00.000+05:30

Lost_Chick:Too many checking, as if I am gonna blow the whole campus.

Harmless_Guy:Wow!! I wish I was in that campus.

Lost_Chick:Pervert!!

Harmless_Guy:Huh! Can't a guy maintain a positive world view?

..

Dew_Girl:So..now I got a cute roommate.

Harmless_Guy:Oooohh..Wickid!!

Dew_Girl:err...Iam straight...as straight as a straight line can get so is my new roommate.

Harmless_Guy:Alright..When you both gonna overlap?

..

Lost_Chick: i am in love...

sorcerer: in love with whom ?

Lost_Chick: he is superb..cool..and stylish

sorcerer : me?

Lost_Chick: and he lets me do anything i want..

sorcerer: Hey chick!! Are you talking about me? B-) ?

Lost_Chick: no stupid!

sorcerer: Its about your new phone..Right?

Lost_Chick: didnt let me finish.

Lost_Chick: i was going to say i have him in my fingertips!

sorcerer : i know...he vibrates too..right?Gwad... is the mankind losing another girl to the gadgets?

Lost_Chick: Pervert!!

Lost_Chick: you've heard of pumice stone.?

Genius: yeah

Genius:It's something from Harry Potter Story.Right?

Sorcerer:Dude!!So..We gonna come down to your place and..do the jingalala dance at your marriage function.

Sh_Guy:hmm...I don't think the court will appreciate you dancing in their premises.

__________________________+

.::WALLPAPERS::.

2010-10-04T22:25:00.001+05:30

Some Linux Wall papers I made for www.gnome-look.org.
____________________

____________________

Thank you Hassasin for the eye pic of D.

Thank you D for staying awake in the class. [D!!.....Do notice the sarcasm surrounding the statement].

Thanks Timon for posing for the last wallpaper!

____________________

ADOPT A PENGUIN

__________________________+

.::AWESOME PHOTO::.

2010-09-25T14:48:00.001+05:30

I thought I would start a new series "Awesome Photo" series on my blog featuring awesoming photos which is plucked and packaged at the source and 100% natural just like the boogers.

____________________

I was gazin out at the sky through my bedroom window, and I this awesome cloud formation which was shaped like a shoes! [Thanks Sanju for giving me clues on how it looks like.]

But I think its shaped kinda like a heart as seen in some movies made my Dream Works or.a floating Latino...bum bum upside down without the Latino!!.

____________________

ADOPT A PENGUIN

Linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste

__________________________+

.::FOR DUMMIES-7::.

2010-09-23T21:38:00.001+05:30

Been long time I updated the 'For Dummies' . The last series was posted way back on when I don't remember. Anyway here comes another "Sorcy's Fables- Simplified for dummies" - 7-The series of 'revealing' truths about life.

____________________

For the past few days he was busy coding a software.The challenge was to make the Software 'Blonde Compatible'; that means a software which is simple to use with pink interface.Being in the profession for long, this project was demanding way too much from him.
He fed the source-code into the computer for compiling and sat back in his chair,lost in thoughts, scratched his stubbled chin, giving his balls a vacation for some time.

The whole world around him was silent,except for the melodious voice of a female singing an old romantic song, filled the air which was already half filled with smell of left over pizza, beer and body odour.

Minutes passed by and his program has managed to crash his computer announcing that, the software he is working on is now WINDOWS COMPATIBLE.
He gave a wide grin and reached down at the button to restart his computer.
..

He stopped.Something was bothering him at the back of his mind, like a horny guy behind the cute chick in a public transport.
Being so occupied with the work, he had almost forgotten about her.The very thought of her made him stand erect....from his chair of course.
"How could he ignore her for so long", a guilt took him over like teenager getting drunk for the first time.

He made his way towards her virtually humping the air with the rhythm of the music.She was waiting for him.Many had come into his life and had left; but somewhere inside he had this feeling that she is gonna stay.
He gave her a big grin.She knew how that smile's gonna end!!

He was hungry,hungry for what she had in store for him..all he could think of was her and all those moments when he had tasted her awesomness.He never had enough of her,not even the last night when he over did her to a point of break down.He loved her and he couldn't stop himself yet again this morning,like he couldn't ever since she came into his life two months back.She was to him, what a 16 year old boys first porn magazine is to him.

He went up to her slowly,that's probably the only thing that he does to her, 'slowly'!!...and held her gently.
He just knew perfectly how to turn her on.He felt her smooth body ...too late she could never say no to him..She was turned on by his touch.
..
..

He made his way between her curves,and slowly reached the place he was looking for he could feel her anticipation..she was kinda warm,and she was yearning for him,he saw that she was ready.He slowly pushed it in.
..
..
He felt a shock pass through him.
She was franctically maoning....then he could smell something not very pleasant and to his shock realised she was on fire...
She was not in her senses and he didn't realise it....but then he noticed it..he saw the spark of fire literally...or the word literally was used in the wrong context.

He touched her and.... burned his fingers..
He couldn't decide...Vaseline or saliva or fire extinguisher.
But..It was too late..Thick smoke came out of her.. he coughed...and his eyes burned because of the smoke. He ran out!!
..
..

The next days news paper headlines read "House burned down by toaster".

____________________

The moral of the story is Never screw a toaster or a woman too much, as both can bring down the house.

Previous For Dummy Series

____________________

ADOPT A PENGUIN

"UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus."
__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

2010-09-18T20:40:00.000+05:30

Kab:..and then she wrote me a poem.

Sorcerer:wow! thats something.

Kab:and the lines goes something like this."You lift me from the sea and together we make rain.."

Sorcerer:Hmm...Wow! Freaking water cycle!!

Kab:Dude! that was what crossed my mind too.

Sorcerer:Ya know..a better mental image would be..you lifting her from the sea and giving her a C.P.R.

Kab:Yeah I know..Never date a science major!

Genius:After getting his new bike, your boy friend is kinda like a Duracell Bunny..H.Y.P.E.R!!!

Berry:No..He is not a Duracell Bunny.

Sorcerer:Yeah..rrrrright..."They last long...really long"..Ain't it?

n00b:What the heck!!You people banned me again?

Mod:Hey kid! Listen, spamming is like throwing plastic in the open.Got it?
..
..

"Internet taught me that BDSM is not short for Buddhism"-Sorcerer on Internet Lingo

..
..

Shirtless_Guy:Ya know, I gave my girl friend a screw driver as Birthday present.

Sorcerer:Aha! Soo symbolic.

Shirtless_Guy:I have my way of saying things.

Sorcerer:Let's hope she doesn't give you back a nut-cracker on your birthday.
..
..

Genius:Don't browse p0rn on my machine.

Wise_Guy:Was just testing the efficiency of your anti-virus software.

Wise_guy: Need to buy a man-bag.

Genius:Don't you already have one..We call em 'sack'.

____________________

“May the source be with you.”

__________________________+

.::DRAMA::.

2010-09-14T23:47:00.002+05:30

"So, this would be a competition between boys and girls. Which ever team puts out the best act will get a surprise gift. Then for the final act for the big day, we will choose the actors from both the group accordingly." said our faculty for English language.
"Any questions?" He paused.

Everyone in the class gave each others a questioning look.

"We would go for a coin toss to see , which team gets to present their Drama first, on Friday." he said, taking a coin from his pocket.

"Heads for the girls and tails for the guys" [ I know..technically it would sound proper if the 'head' was given to the boys]

He flipped the coin. The coin flipped in the air as a flipped coin should.It landed face down exposing the tail, sealing our(Boys Teams)fate on its arse.

"Well! The boys will present their drama on Friday and girls team's will follow the next day".

The class came to a grinding halt, with we boys grinding our teeth at the coin.
..
..

5 days was lying ahead of us to prepare for the drama, make it perfect and win the surprise gift.Many hours which should be spent running aimlessly behind a foot ball was spend on perfecting the dialogue delivery.

The boys team lead,Mr.Blessed [This guy is blessed by God in multitude of skills, that include seeing in the dark] was having a tough time shaping up the actors to bring out the 'characters' alive in them. Most of the time the dialogue delivery resembled a bad case of enema,which could only be stopped by a rubber cork.

The 'Surprise Gift' was the 'thing' that was at the back of everybody mind, which gave them the patience to put up with the near 'suicidal tendencies' of Mr.Blessed Guy.
Ya know..how in Circus, the clowns are allowed to beat macho guys, just to make people laugh. I mean the Macho guys can really squish the clown with his thumb, but won't do it.cuz ya know.."It's all for the show"

Well..The whole practice session resembled a circus during it's recess.

"You...You..YOU ARE OVERACTING" snorted Mr.Blessed to a macho footballer in our drama group, who was playing the part of a woman who had lost her husband.
"You are supposed to SOB ..SoB NOT bellow like a mating warthog." Mr.Blessed corrected the over dramatic situation, explaining in layman's terms how it should be 'performed.'

This 'mating cry' as our beloved Drama Team Lead had put it; was the last part of drama, where the lead woman in the drama cries over something.[Naa..not over spilt milk .Anyway.I really forgot the story line.I don't really remember why the woman cries, be it over happiness or sadness.]

..
..
The macho footballer, who played the 'Woman Character' was my wing man in class.So I thought I would give him some advice on acting, just to get his acts right.

"Dude!!! Think of a sad incident, that happened in your life, when you play that part..and you will get absorbed by it and you will automatically cry with tears and all"
"Like what?" He replied, just like a dumb footballer should.
"Err...Like..remember you got hit on your pee-pee, with football and you were doing that earthworm dance lying in that mud.I mean..situation like that..which pains you the most..." I stopped to look at his face.
Gwad!! Instead of sadness in those eyes, I saw rage and anger.His cheeks had metamorphed into butt cheeks of a baboon.
I felt thirsty after a long talk and quickened my way towards the water dispenser.
..
..

Finally, the world woke up to Friday.I tried to remember the 'script' which my character has to play,as I chomped on my breakfast.The breaksfast table was unusually silent.Mom actually asked me if I was feeling alright, healthwise.

"Ahem... ahem." That was my dialogue.
I enter the stage..Bow in another character..then I Exit the stage, closing the door behind.That was my character's role
Gwad!! Too much thing to execute with precision in too little time.I had to make use of the single dialogue I have to say and make a dent in the aura of the audience.
"Ahem ahem..Here I cahem"
..
..

I met the 'Footballer guy' [Who plays woman character], as I neared our school gate.He had an unusual grin on his face.Confidence was written all over his white and navy blue uniform.
He was having that evil grin on his face, when we were practicing it one last time, before the original act.

"BRACE... BRACE... BRACE" shouted the naval commander inside me.
..
..

The drama started in front of a full audience.Most of the scenes went without a hitch.Personally, I felt the "ahem ahem" was delivered to the full impact of EUREKA EUREKA!

It was the closing scene,where the footballer has to cry and capture the audience inside the tissue paper.Everyone was busy watching the verbal debate between two other characters on the stage.The Foot baller was nearing the 'P.O.C'[Point of Crying].The hands of the footballer was busy fumbling with something behind his back.NOPE!! It's not a severe case of worms..even though to any person in the audience would feel so.

Suddenly a small vial of vicks-vaporub, fell on to the stage and started rolling towards the audience.
Well!! Well!! Well!! To make the scene more authentic, the footballer was trying to apply vicks vaporub in his eyes-for the tears..for the tears...

Unfortunately while pulling the cap open the vial slipped out of his hands!!

Rest, my dear readers..you can imagine.It took quiet a while for the classroom to become silent.

..
..

The boys team did manage to make otherwise a sad ending to a really hilarious ending.
Who wouldn't love happy endings!!

..
..

The next day..It was the girls team. to perform the Drama We all sat with a sigh, praying to the Gods inside the Volcano.

The closing Scene:
Two characters having a verbal debate on the stage.
The Girl who was playing the 'Lead Woman character' in the drama was cying..laughing...crying...laughing..
She was not opening her eyes!!She had to bade good bye to another character who was leaving the stage.
NOOOO!! She was not even looking at that character.She was standing with her eyes cupped with her hands, producing a constant weeping sound as that of an U.P.S unit during power failure[U.P.S=Uninterupted Power Supply]

Well..like the foot ball guy, she was trying to apply something more 'wickid' to make the scene more authentic with tears and all.

Later our investigation revealed that:She chose 'tiger balm' because, it has a cap which is 'twist open' type.So no slipping out of hands.'

Their drama ended on the lines of Mahabharatha [ Her acting reminded me of the character Kunthi, in Ramayana]

..
..

Anyway, both the teams screwed up the most touching part and turning it into the
height of awesomeness.

____________________

An adventure with my wingman

__________________________+

.::CONJUNCTIVITIS::.

2010-09-07T02:17:00.001+05:30

If only the chairs we were sitting on was modelled as bucket seats, thought me, sitting in the back bench, trying to find a better butt position to go back to the deep meditation also called as an afternoon nap.

The Hindi class was at full swing.Some guy had managed to write a poem and our class was trying hard to find out all possible meaning for every word , featuring all emo points in that poem.

It was not interesting as it was not really rhyming. According to my unwritten rule which I believed those days.. "A poem has to rhyme else it becomes a fat chick on prom night."

The lack of rhyme factor in the poem was seriously interrupting my sleeping pattern.The occasional high pitched shrieks of excited geniuses doing autopsy on the helpless poem was tickling my sleep nerve.

The guy was sitting near me was at his creative best that afternoon and was drawing stick figures getting abducted by stick figures from outer space.

Being a backbencher has its occupational challenges. I was fighting gravity to keep my eyelids up. The eye lids were falling down at a rate more than the 'g' rate I was taught in class.Its a biological challenge to keep the mouth closed and eyes open in such classes

A backbencher is the usual suspect if a paper plane makes an unauthorised landing at the 'erogenous zone'of the class.[The zone where females sit together in the class].

The whole of the last bench was silent like a baby on a pacifier.Heavy lunch to blame.

That was when I fell of the dinosaur!!!.

It was a beautiful dream.*sigh

The unusual silence emitting out of the last bench, had aroused the suspicion of the teacher.She must have thought that we were actually listening to her lecture and was ready to answer some random questions about the gang banged poem..Since I was busy riding a dinosaur with a hot dumb blonde whom even blind person could see, I did't get the chance to perform an evasive manoeuvre from the question.

I stood up, gave my version of understanding about the poem which was quiet entertaining["It's the dumbest thing I have ever heard"-That's what I read on my teacher's face].

Since I had managed to give a wonderful answer, the teacher passed the question to the stick figure guy.If it was an objective type question he would have said "Same as above",pointing at me.

Anyway, the class ended ,the teacher bestowing on us both backbenchers the honor of writing the 'stupid poem' 100 times.

We forgot all about the '100 times' thingy as soon as the class got over.

"In school life, its real mess when the teacher remembers what what we forgot"-Sorcerer on School Life

The interrogation began and the teacher somehow was not ready to buy the simple biological theory that "Humans tend to forget."

The teacher stood her ground biased on her theory "How can you forget?"

Well!!School teaches life and prepares a man to face life

A man hears the following lines in his life time

1)How can you forget to write it 100 times ?

2)How can you forget my Birthday?

3)How can you forget the anniversary?

4)How can you forget the kid back at the grocery store?

So, I passed her question with a pleasant smile, which was what a man is supposed to do when he hears the HOW CAN question.

Just like the court doubling the sentence for prisoners, our teacher doubled our 100 writing thing to 200.

We would have bargained if she was in her good mood; the class resembled a flea market though.

"if you are not doing it by tomorrow..You will go meet the principal."

We couldn't help but agree. We nodded our heads.

The next day, I was so occupied with awesome thoughts like.

1)How does gravity taste like?

2)Are space cows real?

3)What is happening to the world in which we are living in.Can't a chicken cross the road without its motives being questioned?

4)What's for dinner?

5)Will it be possible to see own arse if we run around a tree at speed of light?

and as usual..didn't quiet get my conclusions on most of the questions and forgot to write the 200 times thingy.

Such deep and profound thoughts eat me from the inside like a biscuit packet eaten by ants!

By the time it occurred to us[ about the 200 times *sigh thing], 't' as in time way past the point of no return.The lunch break was almost drawing to its conclusion. Mathematically, even if we write a word a second it was impossible to finish off the punishment on time.

Both the geniasses [Me and my fellow inmate] got together.

"Can we run off?"

"Nope..will be caught and hanged next day.

"Plead for mercy?"

"Mercy Killing would be a good option"

It was the season of Conjunctivitis and none of us managed to get infected.

*sigh

*Sigh

My friend was playing with a small bottle of Eucalyptus oil !!

TWOINNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!..TWOINNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!..TWOINNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!..TWOINNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!. [The sound of idea striking the empty cranium and echoing]

We both ran outside..Applied a small drop of eucalyptus oil in the eyes.

It really started freaking stinging..!!"

Washed the face with water..and viola!!

Red eyes a.k.a Eyes that look similar to conjunctivitis infection.

Yes!! Applied Chemistry at large! We had found an effective solution for the Fcuk up of the day!

Went back to the class.Took our seats.The seats of highest order!!!. Sat with eyes cupped. The curious onlookers were amazed at how quick the eyes can be infected.

[Poor sods]

The Teacher came in.

We were lying down with head resting on the table.

She Came near us! [She must have made up her mind on all those evil things she was gonna say to us!!!]

"You both!! What happened?"- The teacher asked

She must have expected the usual lame Kindergarten excuse "Headache Madam!!"

But..

We stood up

She gave one look at our blood shot eyes!!

Took a few steps back!!Shocked!!!

The hunter becomes the hunted.[Evil Laugh]

Teacher:"Oh!! Eye infection?"

we both nodded our heads.That nod itself would bring 2 Oscars if it was in a movie.

She must have thought, how lucky we both were to be blessed by momma nature with a timely infection to save our skin from the claws of Princi boy!

Teacher:You wanna go home?

I was prompted to ask..."Like...Forever?"

Anyway, we saved our skin that day from the predator princi.[Short for Principal for n00bs]

With that little stunt, we managed to buy ample time..to finish off the 200 writing thing in the next 2 days.

____________________

"If life gives you bull shit..dry it and sell it as solid fuel in an elegant packing" -Sorcerer on Life

__________________________+

.::S.O.P::.

2010-09-02T17:07:00.000+05:30

There is a bit of story behind why, I wrote this article.
Let me rephrase it..
There is a bit of story behind why, I was forced to write this article.
One help less resource consuming XX chromosome needed to get the ,'Statement Of Purpose', for enrolling to a Certain University. The poor thing wanted to enroll for doing the masters soo badly and save the world from an communication outage.

When given a chance to do something good! Well! I never think twice.My policy is Jump Straight in and paddle hard!.

Ps:The "I" in this article is not really me, but the helpless XX chromosome. I am writing this article from HER perspective.
____________________

At one time...in band camp.. I was struck by lightning from a space ship.It opened my eyes and I learned the fact that I could communicate with humans. They are the only animals who could communicate in different forms and by using different mediums.
Old days humans wrote on toilet walls to communicate their 'hard' feelings to their loved ones and how much they missed their loved one when in loo.They also use signs to communicate like.."wide opened eyes" on a male watching a female means that he is very interested. Ever Since I was a child, I was interested in communication, though my love letter to my 3rd grade teacher was denied its due importance.

I found telephones very enchanting and entertaining.Telecom thing has made it possible to talk to my lover without knowledge of my father who sits with a sawed off gun facing the balcony.
My phone has games and all but I don't play games, on it,but I check face book for my lover's naughty messages on my wall.Its also a great way to type lik ds &cnfs de rdr.It tks a whl 2 undrstnd wht u r rdng.

My Bubba Aunt lives in Mexico in a telephone booth.She is several thousand of miles away from me.I give her missed call.At times she calls us and ask us to contact the Indian Embassy for rescuing her!
But I always forger to call the Indian Embassy! Telecommunication has made it possible for us to get pestered by 'Aunts' living far away.Thanks to the airline company who delivered her luggage in gelf and her in Mexico.She reminds me of the saying "What goes in Mexico Stays in Mexico"

Telecommunication is a magical thing like Maggi noodles.Technically a phone wire is through which all the talk things flow to your ears. Phone cord is a wonderful medium to strangle yourself with.Many murders committed in the black and white era of telephones was blamed on telephone cords.The difference between today's phone and yesteryear phone is the 'Freedom of Movement'. Old phones didn't have silent mode unless you don't pay your bill.

In Old old days, they used pigeons for communication.It was not very effective in sending message to fire-station or for an ambulance. Also pigeons get lot distracted during the mating season.According to my humble theory they are not very effective in sending messages but quiet good when it comes to pooping on parked cars.

Before the advancement in technology communication was in its diaper stage and was crawling on all fours like a drunk mallu during Onam season .Also very confusing.People even answered when some one farted.Now the ring-tones has changed it big time and the resulting confusion.Now people know when and how to answer the real calls.

But at times I believe that 2 tin cans are way much better than certain telecom companies operating in India

In my another humble theory, I believe that Telecom thing was invented in India, in a small coconut rich place called Kerala! Some mallu staring at coconut for too long found out that its possible to communicate with two coconut shells connected by a string.He must have diversified his business into more lucrative lingerie market by converting the same idea into coconut shell bra .In my opinion this could be the first 2 in 1 invention ever . This could also be one classic example of 'diversifying' business and having a 'support' system in place if a certain primary business model fails.
Many companies have followed this strategy.Today following this footsteps, certain vehicle manufacturers has also diversified their business into selling Life Insurance.It's a win win situation.
Technically, its called SBU [Strategic Business Units]

During my growing up years in Dubai I was truly amazed by the level of camel technology used in everyday life there. The difference in the quality of life in my home country India and Dubai was beyond any comparison. India we use bulls they had humps like camels.Certain camels have 2 humps on some models just like bucket seat in certain cars!

But what grabbed my attention first was the humps on the camels then the advancement in Communication Technology which they had used as an ideal solution for companies in al oil and al gas(LOL),al pigeon al courier, al restaurants al delivery, al taxis, al factories, al real estate sites, al government departments, al airports, al freezones and al tourism agencies etc.

When I was a kid, I used to run around the T.V just to figure out how people got into it.Only thing I could ever manage to climb into was washing machine.It's fun until the water starts splashing in.Thats when I scream and run out!

I began reading books and magazines and everything I could lay my hands on to know more about it all,like technology..duh!! After so much reading still I was not able to find out how people got inside the television.

I resolved that day that I’d one day master the technology and contribute to its further advancement but most importantly see to it that it is implemented in my country and help in
improving the way of the life there too.

When I returned to India I found that an amazing transformation had taken place, Pinki who used to be classmate,a cry baby who used to wear choli is now wearing jeans and T-Shirt. Ramu kakka has switched from Tea stall to Mobile phone Shop.Even fish man has a mobile phone.That too color phone with a camera.Just by his deep set, washed out yes I knew that he must be watching too much MMS on it.

Yet somehow it lacked in several aspects, it was no where like what I had seen in Dubai.These people in India dont use AL before every word! also In India they still travel on a tripod driven by petrol engine!

I chose and studied a course that would aid my mission of developing the quality of life and bring MMS videos not just to the rich people (like you now), but also to people from the rural areas and the economically disadvantaged who doesn't even have access to FTV at night.errr..midnight actually which is aired at 10:00 PM Indian time.[dooFTvus]

Because of lack of entertainment,these people from far far villages do chee chee things at night and populate..thus bringing about shortage of parking space in our country

But the knowledge I gained from my Bachelors course is just no sufficient for me to screw up my mission and bring down the national grid therein arises the need for my being better equipped with "hands on" experience(Ps:I am still a Virgin) that I did not obtain here during the period of my course which I spent sleeping most of the time.

As a member of the social service unit of my college I visited several villages neighboring my city, and I was shocked by their level of ignorance and superstitions.They didn't even know the meaning of LOL ,ROFL and WTF!
They were superstitious and asked me to crock like a frog when a hen crossed my path.

I began pondering over why so many parts of the country were still so backward and ministers from those places filthy and rich. I was laughing out so loud that I was given an electric shock just to come out of it.
Many in here still did not have even the basic amenities essential for their well being like cheer leaders for local foot ball matches and festivals like Samba Fest and Mardigras and Cricket Stadiums for IPL.
The rest of the world was developing at a phenomenal pace and making unbelievable inventions like Sauna Belt and Ab King pro and we were still lagging so far behind Jennifer Lopez.

Ps:She has nice arse!! Duh!!

____________________

Many thanks to Dumbbell for giving me this opportunity to write an S.O.P. I like to say that I have not added many content to it..I just edited it here and there. I have taken immense care to see that the idea behind the content remains the same.

Sorcerer : you make me infiltrate the thinking barrier.

Dumbbell:I always knew I could count on you!!

DD, thanks for your valuable inputs on how to write an S.O.P, and always trying to encourage me to run into the same wall and not feel bad about it.

Sorcerer:What do you say?

DD:Sorcy!! Not all UNIV's appreciate real talent!

Snehal of providing much needed technical inputs and telling me that SBU is actually Strategic Business Unit not Stupid Business Undertaking.

__________________________+

.::CONVERSATIONS::.

2010-09-01T18:05:00.000+05:30

Yeah!! Surprise!! Aint it?

I R Back!!

August was kinda very busy month with Onam and lot of traveling!

Wiseguy:Hey!! Let's cook chicken today!

Genius:Yeah!! Hey!! classic doubt..Where exactly did the chicken come from?

WIseguy:Classic answer!! from an egg.

Genius:Classic question again!! Where exactly did the egg come from?

Wiseguy:Once we get the chicken..I am gonna show you exactly where it came from!!

..

"I can't sleep because my head is snoring"-Sorcerer on a sleepless night

..
..

Sorcerer: ...and solar storm is gonna fry almost everything electric and any electron that breathes or that moves..

Chipky:Means...

Sorcerer:Don't know ...things could get worse, to sum it up, all communication will get affected..face-book wall could be replaced with toilet wall..where you leave message to your loved ones..just like in good old school and college days!

..
..

Poornima: I think you're smart..

- 23:10 -

Sorcerer : is attacking spelled with 2 't' or one

Sorcerer : like tt or t.I mean I don't really care!I just want that moron to get started on spelling and all.. I mean what difference is it gonna make anyway once we start to n00b him!

Poornima : and you make it disappear poof* in a second.

..
..

Genius: Is there any difference in the meaning between making love and making out!

Sorcerer:Errr In making out..I guess someone's in a hurry.

..
..

"Soon...I will have enough words to start a world war!!"-Sorcerer on Spanish Lessons!

..
..

Buzz: dat's y i support communism

Sorcerer : COMMUNISM?

Sorcerer : in India..the word "commies"(As in communist) is derived from the word COMICS, I mean..at-least in Kerala!

__________________________+

.::MONSOON TREKKING -1::.

2010-07-25T20:51:00.000+05:30

Another Monsoon Trekking in progress and that explains my absence from this wired (Read weird)world. We always choose the wilderness for our trekking expeditions. This time we chose the Silent Valley and the wilderness around it for trekking.

Shiruvani is the place that we visited first.This place is near the Kanhirappuzha Dam, [Near Mannarkkad] in Palakkad District of Kerala. Almost 22 KM scenic drive from the base of Kanhirappuzha Dam!

Monsoon, is when the nature is at its awesome prime. I loooove it!!! Beauty it is!!! The weather is sooooooooooooooooooo amaaaaaaaaaazing!

The winding road on the way to the Shiruvani Dam area is a wonderful way to unwind from your nagging boss and those nagging feelings. Be careful while you are cruising along this road.

Keep your eyes open for domestic animals like humans and cows without directional coordinates, wild animals like elephants and also the killer iron nails on the road which are strategically placed so that the tyres wont miss it.

The road is narrow, but quiet good and well maintained, which is enough reason for biker dudes to attempt and break land speed record or what ever they can break.

Unlike us geniuses, do keep a spare tyre and do make sure that the spare tyre has air in it. keep Sodium Chloride also called Common salt [ A WHOLE LOTS OF PACKETS OF IT] if you are planning to swim

This is the wild stream where we took our first break.Brrrrr......Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..the water was soooo brrrr...coooolllddd!! The stream water is so clear and see through like the Victoria Secret Lingerie. We took off our shoes and dived into the ice cold water. Took some good snaps.A few primates in our group managed to find a fallen tree trunk in the stream and climbed on top of it,George of the Jungle style.

Check yourself for 'politicians' clinging on to your body.Errr..I mean leeches.Here we have the cute dotted variety leeches.Unlike politicians, they won't kill you . Common salt is a good remedy for leeches.

"An idle wall is any guy's awesome canvas" So sayz the Sorcerer. Some great personality [no..Not me] has said that, we should always leave our mark on this planet. That explains why many people shoo shoo out in the streets, leaving their scent marks. But when its soo sooo cold and fog comes out through your nose while you breathe, it's not a great idea to shoo shoo in such extreme climate and have a 'system malfunction' cuz of ice factor.

So I decided to do it the caveman way and wrote my name on the fern infested stone wall with another stone.[Shamelessly! Yes!]

The climate is great. Even after mid-noon, the climate its unbelievably cold. If you ask me to choose between Ooty and this place, I will definitely choose this place. Cuz, this is scenic, untouched by dirty human hands and unexplainably beautiful if you have patience to stay and cherish it.

Every time the sunlight changes its ambiance,the light pattern bathes our surroundings with a different color filter.In the horizon, you can see the fog drifting with the upwind and below the earth like a beautiful carpet in green. The valley way below changes it's appearance every moment with the fading lights and the retracted light from the clouds above.

With the fog settling around you, the whole setting feels like heaven!!!

The valley way below, looks beautiful every time.The whole of it is thick forest![ The last of the reserved forests trying to keep us humans alive] . That hill at that distance is a beauty. The cliff face bald and steep gives it an impressive and bold look.

As we stood there waiting for the tyre change, nature cycled through the many awesome light show.You are way..way above the sea level and you could hear the wind howling [Loud!!!!!] in your ears. Instances like these puts you on an entirely different emotional level. Somewhere deep within you, it kick starts your respect and fear for the unpredictable nature.

Do notice the trees that stand tall on both side of the road.The trees those bare to the elements are beautifully sculpted, always! so are those humans !

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Mission Briefing:

If you are planning for a trek along these roads

{

Be sure to pack enough ration, and drinking water while you are on these roads. There are no hotels in these parts and very rarely you find another of your own species[humans] on these roads.Means..roads are almost deserted. There is always curves and blind spots! respect your commonsense while you are driving on these parts.

Blaring music too loud will attract unwanted attention from humans and animals,.If you are there to see the nature, use all your senses to feel the views.

Vodafone has a decent network on these parts.[Muaahahahahah!!!] .Make sure you fill your vehicle with enough fuel at the base of the hills or else be prepared to buy fuel with a proportion of 80% kerosene 20% petrol from people who 'refine' own oil.

Apart from gravity that sucks around these parts, there are leeches. Carrying common salt is common sense.NO!! Beer does not work!

The natives here is quiet friendly and always ready to help. seriously. These people rely on agriculture for their living and most of them doesn't have 'corporate' human emotions.So treat em right and they will go that extra mile to make you comfortable and help you.

If you are coming down hill on the same day, make your way back down before its too late in the evening, as fog could limit the visibility beeeeeeeg time, combining that situations it with HUGE wild animals on the narrow strip of road gives you limited chance to say your prayers.

Ps: "OH FUCK!!" Doesnt work .[Darn!! it rhymes too!!]

Unlike humans who put a different face and act entirely different from what is shown on face, you can trust wild animals.Don't panic.Stay calm, don't fiddle with your headlight beams; nor switch it off or try to scare[annoy] a many tonne animal with your air horn and impress your fellow traveler with your low I.Q.

Remember that animals don't read news paper and won't have the information that you have 'connections' with people in power and the animals need to get their arse off the road for you, cuz your uncle has opium farm..

Give the animal the priority on the road. Have patience and wait. They would move off the road and give you ample space to drive off.

DO YOU KNOW!!! your TERMINAL VELOCITY?

While passing that animal , make sure that you howl, throw stone/beer bottle at it and try to touch it; just to make sure who is the BOSS!! around those parts.Do remember to blare music soo loud that astronauts in space stations can dance to it.

Thus..you can know attain your terminal velocity!

Remember..It's the wild and we humans are sooo way down the food chain and they don't speak human nor ASCII

}

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There are many, many, places in our own country that's so amazing with breathe taking views.

The second part of the Monsoon trek is scheduled this weekend..will keep you posted!

__________________________+

.::ONE SMALL DOUBT::.

2010-07-18T14:50:00.001+05:30

The campus became monochromatic as the months passed by. The cute chicks in campus shed their colorful feathers. The heart and soul of the many alpha males, who found solace in the wild life reserve, also called college campus, the 'Open Season' had hit it's all time peak and now showed signs of withdrawal like hyperactive dandruff getting cured.

During the previous weeks, many 'Proud Single' guys had found their 'Campus Partner' and sat together for melodrama under the mango trees, jack fruit trees and banyan trees which stood tall like some men wished they too could.

The classes were empty as it should be but the canteen showed full attendance, just like in any other campus across the world. The profit of the canteen was reflected in the frown of the canteen manager. Like that frown, the graph of the canteen was on a negative curve. The 'DEBT BOOK' was opened more times those days than the cash box by the canteen manager as the 'Guys' tried to please their 'Campus Partner' with awesome food like, idli, dosa, vada, tea, biscuits. The fundamental theory in commerce "Debit is what comes in" At Large!!!

As Mr.Time hitched the ride with the phase of the sun, the awesoming [Ofcourse it's correct English] star in our solar system, the "campus foreplay" became numb and everyone was feeling the fatigue.

Like the sunshine on a rainy day, a cute girl, ISO 9001:2000, organically synthesized with the natures best proteins and aerodynamically crafted walks down the knowledge trodden campus walk way. If I were an aero engineerm I would have given her 10 on 10 for wind tunnel test.

Her strides resembled programming in old BASIC. Short and progressive.

The heads of many techno saints, techno monks, techno preachers and techno peasants[ Those so below the food chain] turned their heads like SAM[Surface to Air Missile] tracking an aircraft,guided by radar.

In simple words of mine-"She became the campus equivalent of the English word HUSH!!!!!"

With the limited knowledge of my Biology, I came to the conclusion that she could even give a pacemaker a heart attack.

She would measure a moderate earthquake if her height is measured on Richter scale-A standard 5-5.For all us guys in the campus, when she moved, she moved at a slow frame rate.

She touched my more creative side and came up with these outbreak of poetic words to describe her...

"....If only the river Nile was blessed with so many curves, the Egyptian monkeys would jump and drown in it with lust..."

[Thank you..Thank you!!!]

Being a Lab-Coordinator has lots of potential. Lab-Coordinators are licensed to technically flirt with chicks.Apart from social services, I do like downloading "Cool Stuff", I sharpen my skills by screwing up the network.

Please don't take me wrong when I said "Cool Stuff". These "Cool Stuffs" I have downloaded had saved many Hardcore Unix lovers from slipping into the state of impotency. I myself looooooooooooooove UNIX a lot because the commands in Unix match my perverted vocabulary.[ Date,Unzip,Touch, Finger,Strip,Mount,Head,Clean,Sleep..Such are commands in Unix!]

Let's call the new awesoming chick in the campus as "Dips". I was so happy that she was to be "mentored" by me, during her lab session. I felt like a boot sector infected by a virus.

"One Small Doubt!!" she said raising her hands. I thanked the kernel for flashing the error message, thus arousing the "doubt butterfly" in her.

I grabbed a chair, pulled it closer.I metamorphed into a rocket surgeon."Yeah...Tell me!" I replied in smooth voice,which never came out.

Soon..... Very soon, I realised that she was hungry.....hungry for knowledge and her technical knowledge was just in the single cell state, like an amoeba.But!! If you ask me to draw her, I would draw her like a "Question Mark" with A.K 47 in its hand.She was asking questions after questions, raping the Unix Kernel and in the process raping the gray cells, lasagna, and neurons inside my head.

"Cease Fire!!! Cease Fire!!!" cried my inner conscious, reminding me that the door to my freedom is just a chair throw away.

To scare her, I sizzled my answers in high technical fat content, but she seemed to take no notice of the calories.

*sigh.No?

The A.C in the room was on full swing, making noise like a rebelling colon of an old man.But...

I was sweating, my mouth felt dry after so much talking...I was.in slow frame rate....experiencing those..Near..dea..I could see angels..The Golden wheat farm...over the hills...the ribbons of sunlight, shining gold.. slanting low from the left....over to the right, I could see the high wall, with green climber plants on it..the wooden door in the middle...I walk passing my hands over the wheat crop, feeling its tenderness..I push the door which is carved artistically in wood and adorned with awesome things and wood work..I step inside..There I see my Unix Screen, blinking at me..prompting for my password......

"One Small Doubt" I feared that tone, which reminds me of a fire alarm. "Well!! What is it?" I asked her that question from a 100 feet away.

Lucky Me! The faculty waked in.I passed the pink pigeon to his mercy or the other way round on the mercy part.

2 hours later, the faculty was experiencing neural break down.A complete disarray of hope and dejection of all good things in life reflected on his face. His eyebrows pleaded..."Freedom...Freedom..."

With Dips in the lab, the lab virtually turned into a Nazi Camp.

A week later Deepak, my wing man and another usual suspect in network screw ups came back after his "Break" from mumbai.

Dips passed us with a semi colon smile on her face, [Somehow reminded me of calmness before the tempest] on her way to the library.As we looked on gasping for breathe, she disappear down the corridor.

"WOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!Whhoooooooos Dat man?"

"Lot's happen when I aint here."

"Is she taken?"

"Which batch Dude?"

As expected an enema of questions flowed from him.

I should have warned, but..I believe in the theory that "Gold is tested in four ways by rubbing, cutting, heating and beating -- so a man should be tested by these four things and Small doubts"

He became Duracell bunny defying the rules of reality, commonsense and physics.

"Dude!! you people should learn from me on how to hit on a girl." He said that and walked towards the library.

I said a small prayer for him.

I was having my lunch and Deepak came in, his shoulders drooping, hair in a mess [because of trying to activate gray cells by pulling on hair] and dropped on the chair near me. He looked like a soda bottle left open for long with no gas.

I promptly poured a glass of cold water for him.He went bottoms up on that.

"Duddeee..She...ra.."

"You want food?" I interrupted him

"No.....I don't feel hungry any more.It all died in there."

His gaze was fixed on the many samosa, laddu, vadas kept in the glass shelf..

I know what he was thinking....He was thinking about the golden wheat farm....the wall...the door...
____________________

You would also like:

SEXY UNIX

MY FIRST CAMPUS LOVE

__________________________+

.::SKETCH-ASTRIX&OBELIX::.

2010-07-16T17:47:00.001+05:30

ASTRIX AND OBELIX with DOGMATIX

__________________________+

.::SKETCH-SPIDEY MAN::.

2010-07-14T17:12:00.000+05:30

SPIDERMAN

__________________________+