Thursday, April 29, 2010

.::TEN COMMANDMENTS++::.


PS: This blog post is/was NOT done in a drunk fit, as it is hard to type with nose on the keyboard.

PS:This post has nothing to do with any religion, but only to the religion of Bachelors, world wide.
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It's the brotherhood of awesomeness, an endangered species just like the Tigers in the wild and on the golf course. Bachelors are endangered as they are forced into the breeding program, by lust or by threat or by not taking things in hands at the right time and then loosing control of the situation.[NOO!!! Pun intended]

It's high time the bachelors unite under certain common rules, so as to preserve the sanctity of this awesomeness of brotherhood.
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1)Thou shalt not call any dudes by the name GOD, no-matter whatever he is or did whatever.

2)Thou shalt look up the ceiling when taking a leak, not the guy standing next to you.

3)Thou shalt not insult people by calling names of animals smarter than you.

4)Thou shalt not use God's name in vain in bed, its her birth-right to use that name in bed.

5)Honor your father and your mother, or at-least the bank-cheque you gave them.

6)Thou shalt pass-out intoxicated on 7thday and give God a rest.

7)Thou shalt not adulterate beer with sprite.

8)Thou shalt not steal it from a hooker.

9)Thou shalt not be witnessed making out with a chick in a park thus ending up as M.M.S on web-servers.

10)Thou shalt trust your hand than thrust the neighbor chick or their farm animals.

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The above commandments need no explanation. They mean exactly what they are saying.
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Monday, April 26, 2010

.::METAPHORS::.



With my Deep and profound brain thinking... I ; cout << "New Metaphors" << endl;
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  • He was chased by the Mafia Gang.He went into hiding, like a dog in Korea.
  • The kid had a look on his face , with mouth wide open, like that of a guy who heard news about the crash in the wall street.
  • He took his note book and sat down under a tree, closed his eyes and waited for the land-tiller, to plow his fertile creative fields of his mind.
  • The news about their team leader's transfer made their spirits droop. He was the bra which used to hold them up when they were down.
  • The karma, did came back to him like a vicious dog with a burning dynamite stick in its mouth like in cartoons; for him it was not funny.
  • He closed himself in the room and smoked like Eyjafjallaj√∂kull, the Icelandic volcano, for days.
  • The idea struck him like a dart on a dart board.
  • She was like the scorpion, using the rear end to catch the pray.
  • The blogger ran out of metaphors like seasoning for snacks.
  • The thoughts about her dug into his mind like claws of a cat on a sofa.He sighed.
  • The dog lifted its head and perked up its ears, like a teenager in the middle of his 'me-time', and listened for the footsteps.
  • She missed him like Vaseline on a winter day .
  • She was woman of few words like LOL.
  • She wore a skin hugging cloth. She looked like a giant toothpaste tube in a kid's hand,squeezed almost every where.
  • She zipped her lips tight like the purse of uncle Scrooge McDuck.
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Zthunk you!!!

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Friday, April 23, 2010

.::CONVERSATIONS::.


Susie:Be warned, I gained height.


Sorcerer:Hmm..by how many pixels Susie?


Susie: :|

____________________

I bought this device, which they say will help me get connect to the internet. Unfortunately, I was not able to stay connected for more than 3 minutes.I decided to do the classic blunder everyone does in such a scenario-Calling the customer support.

Sorcerer:Hello!

Customer care:How may I help you?

We had a bit of foreplay here,[also called verification process] before the customer care executive fcuked me up with technical support.

Sorcerer:I am not able to stay connected.


Customer care:Sir, Are you able to connect to the internet?


Sorcerer:Yes I am able to connect to the internet.

Customer Care:So.what is the problem?


Sorcerer:I am not able to stay connected for more than 3 minutes.The baud rate drops and It keeps on disconnecting me.

Customer care:Oh! Sorry to hear that sir.It must be some virus.Are you sure you have the latest anti virus on your Computer?

Sorcerer:Yes.

Customer Care:Sir, please update the anti virus once again and please try again.

wow! the chick is trying to rhyme.

Sorcerer:Sure I will.Sorry that I bothered you.It was a mistake on my part to call you. According to your product brochure, it only says "connect to the internet" nothing about "staying connected."Sorry!

..

..

I should have known, the brochure is always right.
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Sorcerer:So, you are getting married.

San:Yeah


Sorcerer:We gonna come down there and then, do our 'ze dance' at the marriage function which is actually a cross between tribal dance and bhangra.


San:Hmm...I don't think the court will appreciate you dancing at their premises.

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Freaky: NO!!! I AM NOT COMING WITH YOU GUYS TO THE CLUB WHUT... EVAARRRRRR. You have other hot girls to go around with.No? It has nothing to do with you guys , but...

Juggie:Hmmm..But..

Sorcerer:I know Juggie,...... but Freaky!!! You are HOTTER! That's why he wants to take you to ze Club.

Juggie: Sorcy!! You didn't confuse Hotter with Hooter right?

Sorcerer: *Gasp.. NOOO!!! [Here there be dramatization] Noooooooo..I no mean it, you know.

Freaky: Okay!! That's it. I am NOT TALKING to you GUYZ again.
____________________

Won't you get irritated when you are trying to read something awesome like Comic Strips in "Bangalore Times" and your buddy comes into your home and starts singing the same line of a freaking song over and over and over again, remixing it with whistles and howls, and dish dish and tan tans and bishkums and dishkums?
Yes.no?

Genius:
I wanna hold you tonight.... I wanna hold you tonight.... I wanna hold you tonight.... I wanna be there to catch you from falling.....

Sorcerer:Dude!!!

Genius:Yes! Tell me.

Sorcerer:Do ya know that, the person who wrote that song was circumcised when he penned those lines down. He actually wrote it from the hospital bed.

[ Here there be eternal silence ]

This is how we reclaim world peace.
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Gwen: ok gotta getlost

4:40 PM

me: oh...you gonna get lost in my arteries?
*gwad..this girl is gonna give me diabetes

Gwen: haha..shut up!


____________________

Girl: ..and yeah many had told me I look like her.But I never felt so.


Sorcerer:Must be the aerial view.Who knows!

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Some conversations are like farts, it makes us laugh and the ambiance stays in the air for some time.-Sorcerer

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.::DRIVING::.


Driving is just not an art, its martial arts- Sorcerer on driving
.

..
..

Client: I would like to try Indian food.

Sorcerer:Err.Okay!We would try that, restaurant just across the street.That place is kinda good.

Client:Okay.Do you mean we need to cross the road?

Sorcerer:Yeah

Conscious:Dude!! She fears our roads more than the Indian Curry.

Sorcerer:Hmm.I noticed that.

Client:Where do we cross?

Sorcerer:Right here.We just walk across the road.

Client:o....k...aaa..yy.

We wait for 2 minutes,almost exact time it takes Maggi Noodles to cook in a bachelor's kitchen.I think my client took this time to say her prayers while I was calculating the speed factors and our flight plan across the road.

Sorcerer:So, Let's walk across.

client.oooo...kkk..aaayy.

Sorcerer:Let's move.


In a flash, we were across the road.My client appeared a bit more paler than before without the whitening essence. Good .No?

Client: You people are so confident.

I was confused whether its a complement or an insult.Either way, I was sure that crossing the road scared the melanin out of her.

Sorcerer:Hmm..

Conscious: Mallu de sher! you made our country proud.*sniff *sniff
____________________

Driving around the world is an art form. When it comes to certain countries, it takes the form of martial arts. Driving on Indian roads would have been better if we were mutants with 4 pair of each sensory organ.

A Driver

A driver is a person who has a vehicle strapped on his arse.To be classified as a driver you should be able to

1)Make phone call.
2)Check email on your laptop.
3)Drink coffee/Beer.
4)Smoke cigarette/pot.
5)Change CD on the player.
6)'Reassure' your girl friend sitting near you that you love her more than the beer you are drinking, by taking more sips from her lips than from the beer bottle.
7)Watch movie on your new LCD display in your car.
8)Read news paper.

do all these and drive and *reach the destination.A good driver can do all the above things simultaneously.

Rules on the Roads

1)State transport buses can be identified by its perfect rectangular body or a body that resembles a "mouse trap".[And you said, Govt has no humor]
The buses would look dented, amputated and would come screaming in your direction with chirping sound[Irony! I know] cuz of non greased parts.

Remember, K.S.R.T.C or Interstate bus drivers are always right, meaning, they are always on the right side of the road.Don't honk in vain to get their attention while one is coming at you, cuz they would hit you even before your honks reach the bus driver. In essence they manage to travel at twice the speed of sound.


State Transport buses rulez. They actually rwak. They will , they will rwak ya. So better stay a mile away from them. If you see one coming in your direction, confess all your sins to God and sit in brace position.
If you are behind them, stay a mile away from them, if you don't want to get hit by falling debris, that include human beings.
Trust your instincts than the tail lights of the bus, if you don't want to be a lingerie on an interstate transport.

2)Pass lights can be used to say Hello, or Hi baby!. It's a mode of communication between the drivers. It could mean anything or nothing at all. It could also mean I_am_so_bored_let_me_play_with_the_buttons.

Mathematically, the number of times someone blinks a pass light at you is the number of seconds you have left to live get out of the road. If the pass light is followed by the honking sound, that means the oncoming driver has run out of options and his only option is YOU.

3)Changing Lanes is an integral part of driving if you are bored sitting behind the wheels doing nothing going in a straight line or the bozo in front of you is driving enjoying the scenic beauty .When changing lanes, don't turn on the indicator. Remember, driving is like packing vegetables in your shopping bag, trying to use every bit of empty space. When you turn on the indicator, you are actually giving away your intention and there would be people wearing 'smart pants' who will either barge in or won't let you pass.

4)Safe distance are like safe periods, you can always get it wrong, if you are not careful. It's not advisable to leave safe distance, because some 'moron' who could balance a triangle on 3 wheels [Also called Autorikshaw] can barge in between you and the vehicle in front of you, just like that lil brother of your girl friend who would come and sit between you and your girl friend when you are sitting on a park bench coochi coocheeing.

5)Is that an UFO or Is that a Elvis Presley on wheels?...NOOO!! Its a bling bling Autorikshaw. This vehicle is based on the structure of a pyramid in horizontal model.It's the most used mass public-private transport on Indian roads.They come with all the in-house entertainment. Music, FM radio etc and a ride that would resemble a drive through the Monte Carlo F1 circuit.After the ride, the driver will charge you entertainment tax apart from the usual meter charge.

When you see one of this bling bling thing on the road slow down, keep both your eyes on the autorikshaw in front of you.Keep your leg poised over the break, one hand over the hand-break, take a deep breathe and slowly, very slowly overtake it or let the phenomenon pass.

As I had said in one of my previous posts, these auto drivers are direct decedents of Houdini and they could surprise you by disappearing from one side of the road and appearing just in front of you.

6)Cops are the guys who ruin you doing the 69 on the road when you are supposed to be doing 11. The best thing to do is to out run them.There is 99.9% chance that they wont be able to catch up with you on those outdated, fuel guzzling, badly maintained cop vehicles which could go into asthmatic seizure if they floor the gas pedal.
If you are caught, they would always ask you for 'important paper.' In such case, don't argue. An important paper is one that is printed beautifully by the Reserve Bank Of India and which is having 100 or 500 written on it.
Once you produce the 'Important' paper, you are free to squish anyone on the road, even if you are an underaged 12 year old kid driving a high end bike.

Tip:Always throttle up when you see a cop with a speed gun.Watch the awesomeness on his face, cuz either the damn speed gun ain't working or he is not able to read the 3 digit figure.

7)When you are driving at night, always put your headlights on high beam. This will remind the oncoming vehicle to put his headlight on high beam too. Getting hit with high beam from a Xenon lamp can also make you see stars and sometimes the milky way galaxy.
If you see a single headlight coming in your direction, don't misjudge it as an autorikshaw or a bike.It could be a truck driver with a bad sense of humor.If you get too curious and get too close you could attain the flight velocity and trajectory of a golf ball.

8)Potholes on the roads are to test your reflexes. It works on the theory of Implied odds.
" If you manage to clear a pothole you would end up in an odd number of potholes."

It comes under the science of pothole dynamics, a branch specializing in filling potholes with taxpayers money.
These potholes store water during the rainy season and replenish the underground water table. Its advisable to equip your vehicle with scuba gear during the rainy seasons when the roads assume the dynamics of a water canal.

9)Honk
whenever you get a chance.If you are caught in a traffic signal, try and honk to see if your car or vehicle could grow wings and fly across. Honk to grab attention of the chick walking on the footpath. Honk the moment the signal is about to turn green, just like verbal assault of a porn star moments before attaining nirvana.
Honk whenever, wherever whatever such is the three evers of honking.
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Fun Facts

1)When you see a bozo on the zebra crossing, speedup and make him step back.

2)Just like the horn, middle finger says it all.

3) Over take through the left, its more safe as you won't be hit by an oncoming vehicle.

4)If any vehicle over takes you blaring horn, assume that its an invitation for a race; then, press on the gas.

5)With your driving skill, make sure that the GOD on the dashboard prays to the higher God(s).

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Monday, April 19, 2010

.::JOURNALIST::.


The rule of the game is not to take this blog-post personal.

Pen is mightier than sword; but a sword never runs out of ink- Sorcerer on Pen and ink.
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This post is categorized under the "Sorcy's HOW TO" Series of blog posts. This is where we discuss in detail about 'How to ' be just someone in life.

This Blog article is for those who want to commercialize themselves by producing mass information for the media, by deep and profound nonsensing of the gray matter

"The Journalist!! They are always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off. " - King Julian on Journalists
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Journalist

They are humans with special skills, they can foresee the future and they keep you updated with whats happening around you, giving you panic attacks. They update you with very latest information on pets of celebrities.[That include under aged kids married to female celebrities who are past their expiry dates.] and their sexual orientation towards a mail box or a parked car.A journalist knows to 'feed' the public with O.R.S [ Oral Rehydration Solution] to keep the lowly mortal's tummies from revolting against them.

Journalists, control the media, your tummy and your libido. They are the one who makes you buy, porn magazines in bulk, tissue papers in packs by scaring you with the stories of mad wabbit scientists conducting experiments deep down under the earth , in a tunnel with ACME accessories and the world_is_going_to_end stories.

Statistical reports shows that world has already killed ended 'n' number of times by the media and NASA Hollywood.

Being a Journalist:

It's a skill you are born with to be a journalist. To be a journalist, you need to be very curious about what is happening around you.You can put your peeping habit to make a good career out of it.[YEAH!!! Still be legal!! Offer valid!]
A degree in Voyeurism, English, or cummunications is beneficial for those wishing to pursue a career in voyeurism journalism.
Were you convicted of putting cam inside public toilet? Put that in your resume as experience with photocopies of your court case and you are on your way to become an awesome journalist.

Know about the 5 W's and 1 H

1)WTF?
2)WTF?
3)WTF?
4)WTF?
5)WTF?

1)HTF?

Choose Your Lane

Journalism is as diverse as Finch birds in Galapagos islands. Many streams of journalism has evolved and adapted to various journalists world wide.

1)News paper Reporter

Apart from using news paper as stuffing for breakable items, when you pack it and wipe the floor when your toddler poops , news paper is also used for reading. Do you know that these news are actually brought by humans? They are called news paper reporters.

These reporters are way down the food chain and they hunt in packs. They form a pattern before hunting, usually a tight C pattern around the victim, who happens to be a politician, a serial rapist.[Can also mean a rapist from serials], or Twilitician.[A politician who twits]. This is the easiest job to do, as you can simply walk around the street, take some snaps and make up stories with your vivid imagination. Keep your ears open for news about rapes, suicide, elopes etc.Always keep the mindset of the mass public in mind, they are dying to hear such news about someone else's plight.


2)Investigative Reporter

Investigative reporters are carnivores in this segment. They are usually 'employed ' based on their voyeuristic skills. Investigative journalism entails getting to the bottom of stories skirts and make it a scandal.As the name suggests, its all about investigating the personal life of celebrities and famous people. According to the rules, any person who is famous should never have a personal life. An investigative reporters job is to poke the nose at the real stinky place and bring out everything happening in someone else's life. The investigative reporter himself would be a drug addict and must be having a battery of rape cases, including assaulting a telephone pole ,romantically with hard object, but an investigative reporter should always, drag such news about others into the public.
People have the right to know..No?

3)Foreign Correspondents

If you are a foreign correspondent, stay clear of China, Russia and certain other countries who would mix you with pet food if you report too much good stuff about the ruling Government.

To be a foreign correspondent , you should have
1)running shoes

To be a foreign correspondent in a war ridden state, you should have

1)Running shoes
2)Name Tag

Foreign correspondents are asked to spy for another country
report news on Government, socio-religious and political situations of a foreign country.
Being a foreign correspondent is a dangerous job.[Imagine trying out dishes with funny names in a foreign land.]

If you are married and wishes to stay away from hostile "situation" back at home and wish to travel extensively for extended period of time away from your loving wifey!, you can be a foreign correspondent.

"Clearing landmine is easier than washing clothes back at home"- A foreign correspondent

4)Broadcast Journalist

Broadcast journalists are the ones who you actually, see, hear and at times feel. They come to you LIVE from the scene. They will tell you what went wrong, only after a commercial break.To be a broadcast journalist, you should have a pleasing voice that could put terror in viewers and you should be HOT with larger brains.Putting on fake accent is a bonus point.

5)Sports Journalist
Sports journalist reports on sporting events such as golfing skills of TIGER WOOD with Rachel Uchitel, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton etc. Sports journalists specialize in events such as 'Shoe Throwing' competition which is the official sport of the journalists.


Be a Good Journalist:
There are journalists and there are "Awesome Journalists". An awesome journalist always make the people think WTF?

To be an awesome journalist


1)Ask relevant questions

If you are reporting a bomb blast or some tragic event, always have that constipated grimace on your face and ask awesome questions when people are dying and the whole city is in chaos.
Eg:

Reporter to CEO of a Company: Madam, we had series of bomb blasts in Bangalore and many are seriously injured.Do you think that with such incidents,we would have foreign investments coming in to Bangalore?

Sensible_CEO:I don't think this is the right time to talk about investments.The whole city is in big trouble and taking stock of the situation.

Reporter:Thank you madam.


Never say "sorry". Remember, you are always right.

So , from the above case study,you can see that asking very relevant question is the key to be an 'assome' reporter. Whenever you are reporting any disastrous case, never loose your sense of humor. Always have that edge in your awesome analytical intelligent journalistic skills to give the viewer a very good sarcastic laugh.There is not much fun than being a total assomnmess [middle M is silent]and broadcasting yourself globally.


2)Be Sensitive towards the society and its needs.

Always ask for peoples reaction, this helps in a propaganda to gain momentum in the society. No matter what the people say, always report only the things that could fuel the propaganda. Good .No?
As I said, you should show that you really really care,.

Example:
Let me take to the scene of an accident, where a bus fell into the river.

Reporter:Today afternoon we had a serious accident, here at this spot as a fully packed bus lost control and fell into the river.We got a few survivors.

Surrounds the survivor, who is in bad shape, wanting to go home and rest; with camera and Microphone and stuffs.

Reporter:How did the accident happen?
The survivor is a 42 year old lady, who is so glad that she got her life back from the depths.

Survivor:Don't know.It happened all of a sudden.

Reporter:How many people were in the bus?

Survivor:I don't know.

Though they are in complete shock and unable to talk, keep on asking them the same question like Windows Operating system asking you to update your firewall and things.
Pop out that lil kid in you who pesters his mother for the candy. Doesn't that saying "Never loose that child in you" gets a new meaning here?

3)Rely on your instincts

If you become a journalist, you get chance to report stuffs like space launches. You should never do research on anything before you start blabbering
giving awesomeness on your microphone. Research is for pansies.Let the instincts and nincompoopness be your guiding stars.

Eg:A Space launch

You should tell the viewers that its a HUGE rocket.Never give dimensions.Huge is internet standard for 9 inch + just like pie, so everyone should understand the HUGE part. Use your hand gesture to specify the HUGE part, even more appealing.

If its a rocket and is pointed skywards, it should carry, telecommunication satellite and an educational satellite.[Which is the Default setting of Indian Satellites]. Meaning, never have a clue about the actual payload and technicalities.Then fill in the rest of your embarrassment by talking about how the educational satellite can rapidly change the changing scenario of Indian Education.
*sigh

Have the Right Stuff
Nooo..Not really, You can make it up as you go along, just like this blogger. Always speculate on events that can happen. Always rely on blogs,Google, face book status messages and Twitter tweets as 'facts'.
You can always verify the facts with fellow twitters and your face book friends.

You can never be successful if you don't have news. What good is a news reporter without a news, its as good as bra without hooks.No?
For getting ground breaking news, follow celebrities,politicians etc on their twitter and face book accounts.
You should be able to use your creative skills to bring out 'SCOOPS' out of a twit for the twist. If Jesus could feed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, you can feed many information hungry people just with a twisted twit.
Seriously, though, there are broadcasting companies who lavishly waste spend their precious airtime for such 'breaking news'.

Whose the Daddy Now?eh!! You.No?

Be good with math.
Never be sure of the exact numbers; If there is an accident, always multiply the body count with your lucky number as told by the astrologer and there is chance that you will get it right.Always be one step ahead of your nearest competitor in reporting and in the body count.

Networking
To be a good journalist, you should have a network of people from which you can source the information. Go to the nearest pub and viola.. you are in the middle of a network. You can get all sorts of information from the pub which you can 'work' on to be the next breaking news.

Brand your News

Treat your news like a commercial product and brand it. Nothing sells like a brand.Its easy for archiving too.I personally think a business model should be set up on such branded news items. which manage to achieve greater importance than any event. Imagine the economic income of selling branded items based on news.

1)The Tiger wood Scandal Merchandise
2)The Erupting Volcano Blue Pills


____________________

Save trees, read news online.
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Friday, April 9, 2010

.::CONVERSATIONS::.


Alien: (stairs at the window blankly ....sigh)


me: how romantic

Alien:lol
____________________

Alien
: haha

me: you gonna implement *let me say a silent prayer

Alien: plz ask for peace for me :)

me:Our Father, which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
be warned that, Alien is going for implementation.
11:12 AM
____________________

Alien
: :)i feel i have no brains
12:22 PM

me: every girl has brains
and human have brain so..don't worry

____________________

Alien
: i work or write more on d mental level and yes it is worth the punch.

me: That's with me too its more on the 'mental' level but on medical terms.
____________________

Wiseguy_Gf:You guys are so disgusting.Cars, Bikes, IPL. blah blah blah blah

Wiseguy:Please don't praise us so much.You will ruin us.
____________________

n00b:blah blah..blah

Sorcerer:Is the light near the 'stupid lock' lit up on your keyboard?
____________________

n00b:What is a checksum Error?

Sorcerer:36 36 36 or anything along that line
____________________

Wise guy:I know why it is called Global Village

Sorcerer:Cuz..all the village idiots are online?

__________________________+

Thursday, April 8, 2010

.::CREATIVE WRITING::.


This post is categorized under the "Sorcy's HOW TO" Series of blog posts. This is where we discuss in detail about 'How to ' Screw the Screw-up royally.
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This post is about 'Art of Creative Writing'. Creative writing is an awesome thing to do. According to the blogger, that is me off-course,Egyptians are the most coolish[Cool+Ish] writers.
I think you (who are my regular visitors)must have read this older post.
..
..

If you are one of those person, who has lots of ideas inside your head and doesn't know how to put it on paper, to put the same sentence creatively," do you get that feeling like that of a constipated kid, but constipation on the literary side, only?" Then..You have it in you to be a great creative writer.
..
..

Believe:
The first thing you need to do is to believe that you can write shit.[Always have that creative touch in every sentence] For that you need to follow a few steps randomly like watching chicks on nude beach.

Vocabulary:
You need to have a good vocabulary, like Eminem's Dictionary for School Children.For that you need to read a lot.Start by becoming a compulsive T-Shirt reader.Then slowly graduate into more advanced books like Playboy magazine and Gray's Anatomy.A true writer, uses awesome words when writing. Words play magic in the mind of the reader. It creates the movie in the mind of the reader.
Words like "Flying Fuck","Noodle Head","Tohubohu","OMFG","NUFF","Stupidazfuck", should be placed to add more color to the sentence.
Make a change, creatively, like this blog writer. He had awesomely coined the term 'Center-fresh ' to define Virgins.See how much a single word can convey to the reader.

Usage: He unwrapped the center-fresh
.

Not everyone will like your 'honest' way of writing.[Communists Read:Rebellious].There would be kids, and preteens who would be reading what you wrote.So Use the BEEP.
Eg:
Every Tom Beep and Harry knows that trick shown on T.V
See, how efficiently the BEEP is used to make the sentence kid friendly like the plastic cover in a kid's hand.

Know your audience:
You should be aware of your audience.Have the end reader in mind when you frame your concept. If you are writing for kids, you should write about, Nuclear Physics, Quantum mechanics or fluid dynamics.Make it interesting by adding diagrams and equations.Kids love diagrams.
Adults like to read anything and everything unlike being like a kids in a candy shop.

Captivate the reader:
The opening paragraph of your story should capture the reader like 400 Watt Electric Shock. You should be able to grab the attention of the reader like a 36 D chick on the shopping floor.This will make them look forward for more of 36D's in the coming sentence,[Har har har *snort *snort] which you will strategically avoid like sex between a married couple.
Once you got them engrossed in the thing you have written like a teen to porn, success is your middle finger, higher than the rest.
To engross the reader further, randomly use the word 'bed', 'Lingerie',' Shower', etc.This will fire up the imagination of the reader making him read it further.

Creating Characters:
Your story should have characters or actors in it, if you are writing a novel.A writer is an awesome guy, who can murder anyone[characters]. Out of 360 characters you are having, one character should play the lead role. He /she should have the ability to talk to himself/herself. The lead character should actually have relationship with rest of the characters.[NO! Not incest]
Making the lead character wear a spandex and a red underwear on top of it will make quiet a good read for some.
The lead character, who naturally would be a male should, be the proud winner of 'Wrong Place at the Wrong Time' award.He should poke his nose at all stinky places and get a cataclysmic splurge.
Make sure that you bring the lead characters together after every few pages giving the reader a false feeling of 'Something HOT will happen.' [Stupid Teens *sigh]

Story Line:

Your writing should have a flow like cow pissing on a flat rock.The words should take the reader in all possible directions.You should start and begin at different places, creating an atmosphere of suspense.Your readers should suffocate in the smoke of the atmosphere you have created and you have switched off the exhaust fan.You should not switch on the exhaust fan like pulling the plug of the bath tub, till the last paragraph of your awesome creative writing thingy.[I know you must have noticed how richly creative the above sentences are]

Fill your writing with suspense.
Example:

She was the dawn in his life, as was with her name, Dawn Johnson.He used to wake up everyday to the crack of dawn, but this day he woke up in
'Black Charlie's Opening'.[A place in Australia].

Now, you have the user guessing, "What is he doing in Black Charlie's opening?".This my friend is called the suspense.

Remember, always use suspense and have a flow.Make people disappear and appear randomly.

Example
"Mr Krodpkin,You are supposed to be dead."
"Oh yeah!! I took the last train from Hell, Mr.Paulo" replied Krodpkin and scratched his crotch.

This is how you can bring back dead characters straight from the hell.

Dialogues:
Dialogues gives more character to the people. It forms the action sequence in the mind of the reader.

We should be give a good description of actions to make it more enjoyable.A good dialogue is like a girl in micro-bikini.Interesting and it helps reveal the plot [no pun intended] more easily to the reader.

Example:
He came out of the elevator. His eye balls started giving her a whole body massage.
"Hello there, Is your name Angel?" he asked her that in his Manly voice which was in C Minor.

It was an old pickup line he memorized from his preschool days, which he used to pickup his hot teacher.

"Nope.my name is Fred, Fred Simpson, and you are giving me a hard-on with that voice of yours."Shehe replied

As you have guessed the she is not actually she, but a "he" in a "she" clothing like DJ Samantha for Lindsay Lohan.

See, this is what, now it has revealed in complete detail everything the reader wants to know through the dialogue.

Descriptive Sentences:
Sentences should be descriptive.You must have noticed how rich the sentences are in this blog post.
Compare things with things in real life which the reader can relate to.

Examples
  • He was sitting on a huge problem, like sitting on a Beta Saturn rocket about to be fired to oblivion, which was 2.5 Km away from horizon.
  • The sun went down fast like Titanic in Atlantic
  • The drink left a bad taste in his mouth like his fashion sense.
Always use situations and references to say about situations which could have been easily done with a few words other wise.
Complexity gives the WOW factor

Ending

End gracefully, like a porn movie.Its your choice to leave it with a happy ending or a sad ending. If you are confused, toss a coin.That usually solves it.The key is to piss off the reader and come to a totally different ending.
If the story is about love, turn the lead character impotent by ramming an earth mover between him and the hard place, in the end
Innovate dramatic and dynamic twist from the real plot to surprise the reader.
If you are still confused, you should leave it open ended like a mini skirt.

Example:
She Unbuttoned her shirt.

The Butler Killed who?

WTF?

The cop winked at him romantically.

It was the same black lingerie from the 1980s.

Leave the rest to the readers imagination. These are fine examples of ending.
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Follow these tips to write your first novel or creative thingy. Soon there would be a Nobel for blog literature.
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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

.::METAPHORS::.

Yeah! I know, I am back with more of them. Sorry 'Anonymous' cant help it.
  • He was searching for her in the crowd like a truck driver with a hard on searching for a parking lot.
  • The hot chick on the beach was playing basketball. Her cheeks looked pink like a baboon's bottom.
  • The Team Leader had a stupid idea and he was sticking on to like flu during the rainy season.
  • Interrogating the prisoner was as easy as scratching a recharge coupon to reveal the recharge code.
  • He removed her clothes slowly like clearing land mines.
  • "Your technical skills were outdated like a comb in the hands of a bald man" said the H.R to the candidate.
  • He was nuts about her,nuttier than the colon of a squirrel.
  • An idea sparked in his mind, like a cigarette lighter out of fuel.
  • He was dancing and his steps resembled that of a man on beer stamping down the cockroaches.
  • It was a typical Monday morning, even the toast refused to pop out.
  • She left a mark in his heart like vaccination mark on the skin.
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I think I should write a blog post on creative writing. What do you say?
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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

.::CONVERSATIONS::.


Alien: now Madonna is grown old no plastic surgery could lift her body parts
.
thus pamela.
is she your new crush?
i guessed

Sorcerer: No.but.Pamela...defies gravity

Alien: haha

Sorcerer: She uses Helium
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Mr H: Give me your spectacles?Want to show you a surprise.

Sorcerer:Errr!!!

Mr H comes near, cups my eyes with his hands.

Mr H:Walk forward.


Sorcerer:Errr...I cant see a thing.

Mr H: Trust me , Walk forward.

*gulp.Walks forward praying that I don't slip off the cliff 2000 ft straight down.


Sorcerer: Trust you with that brain..No way..


Finally, after walking a few meters, reached the cliff face


Mr H:Yeah...Finally Did you see that..WOWOWOWOWO!! Hooooo...wwwowowowowow..WOOOO
W

Sorcerer:Okay, Hey Bozo..Mind giving me my spectacles back. I wanna see the wowowow thingy too.

____________________

Genius playing with candle flame.

Genius:I love to play with fire.

Wise guy: Only hot thing you get to play with.Aint it?

____________________

Wiseguy:Hey. What happened to Aneesh? He didn't ping back.

Sorcerer:His parents are enrolling him in the breeding program and he is pissed off.

Wiseguy:Another bachelor bites the dust.

Sorcerer:*sigh
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Wiseguy:She has dual airbags.

Genius: Yeah! Almost all have that.

Genius_Gf:You guys are so disgusting.Why do you say "She" instead of car.

Genius:Cuz. it's a car!!

Wiseguy:And all cars are females.

Genius:But not all females are cars.
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Monday, April 5, 2010

.::PREPARING FOR EXAM::.

Sorcerer: Hey!! Long time , no see..

SAM:Bloody *&)(#*&$(#&$& Exams.

Sorcerer:So, you relocated from Internet to the Real World?

SAM:Hey gotta go dude,Got to study something.

Sorcerer:RIP
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Exam time and that explains the gloom I find on the faces of many students these days.At first I thought its cuz the Cheerleaders of IPL[Indian Premier League] is not as 'cheering' as the first season and these students expected a bit too much 'out' of them.

Examination or the art of bluffing, in layman's terms is the way by which the universities take census of students attending a semester.[Not a very efficient method though.] Examination is that time in a students life where he or she has to innovate ingenious methods to answer questions, that will never come across during their life time of living. Most universities show a downward trend in 'performance' of the students because, these universities never appreciate originality in the answer papers.

Through this blog post we will see how to prepare efficiently to face the examination with confidence.
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Prepare your environment.

Preparation is the key. First of all, we have to convince yourself that, you are going to clear the exam.It's easy. The toughest part is to convince the 'certain other parties' [Read Parents also called Banks]at your home that you are going to pass the exam.For many, this is the hardest part of the examination. Lets have a 3 step approach to solve this 'examination' put forth by the 'certain other parties.'

1)Have a constipated grimace on the face. [Constipated grimace is one method to solve all the world's problem].This prevents anyone from reading your face.This look is kinda like the corrupt CD. We know there is something in it, but it is hard to read. Never pick fight with younger siblings at the home.They can snitch on you when you are 'supposed to be studying'. Gobble up the 'healthy green leafy' vegetables which is added to your diet to better your concentration.This throws suspicion off the parents.Now they will believe that you are indeed equipped to suck every bit of knowledge out of the porn,book.

2) "An Idle hand is a devils workshop"-Sorcerer

Make your room messy. Scatter all the books around.Take a bunch of A4 sheets of paper from the printer.Write some equations on it and scatter it all around the room.
Keep a few books open on the table. Pens, pencils,erasers etc adds to the effect.Make sure that any person who enters your room, should get the thickest books in their view which is kept open. There should be books everywhere, on the table, on the bed, etc etc.
Scientific Calculator is a good investment which is like a parked Ferrari on your study table.This adds to your reputation.

Ps:Turn a few pages forward of that thick book which you have kept open, while you are moving out of the room.

3)Keep those movie CD's, magazines etc out of (visual)range by predators.[Read:Parents and snitchers].

These 3 step process will keep you away from the 'certain other parties.' during the exam time.
..
..


Plan your time

You should have a realistic schedule to watch all those movies you missed during the week.This is the right time to catch up with the movies, cuz you are sure to get tickets for the movies as most of those 'unrealistic' people will be studying. Have enough time to revise all those movies which are downloaded and shamelessly stored on your hard disk.Remember a relaxed mind can gobble up lots of information like a kid looting a candy shop. Examination is all about relaxing your mind to make it more efficient. Experts say that, it is not really healthy to relax all the time.Take a break every 30 minutes or so. Take a power nap for 2 hours after watching movie for 30 minutes.This way you wont stress yourself unnecessarily.

Don't be unrealistic

You know what you are.From the past performances, you would be quiet confident about bluffing the 'stupid' examiner.Hold on to that thought.You are a survivor, you can do much better than the previous time.Do your best to write in very small chits of paper in the tiniest handwriting possible.Improvise on it.

Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll (but especially drugs)

Cutting down on your daily dose of 'awesome vitamins and minerals' will, eventually lead to drowsiness and f[beep] up your health. Sex is known to increase concentration. So have lots of it with the pillow named 'Claudia' or your Stuffed Kangaroo named 'Fred'.

Alcohol is known to free up memory space inside the brain.It has magical properties. It clears the much needed Cache by clearing unwanted things like exams that is bothering your mind.Attend all the weekend parties, birthday parties, parties. This is where you can meet your classmates and exchange information or strategically plan your combined studies.

Revise Methodically
Revise all the movies you have seen and not seen methodically. Putting them in separate folders will help too. If you are reading comic books, make your room sound proof.You are not Einstein or Edison to laugh out loud at math equations.
If you have a girl friend named 'Paula', darken every character of that name in every sentence in your text book.Every 'O', 'S' ,you see in the text book should remind you of her.This is how you can get attached with your girl friend textbook.

To revise your text book, keep the book open on your lap, plug those ipod in your ears, and dream about the HOT teacher or the Hot class mate.This is an excellent method to revise.

Test Yourself.
Wickid!! Open the folder, look at the name of the movie like 'AVSEQ01.DAT', try and guess which movie is it. If you got it right.Wow!! You are almost reaching the apex of success.
If you want to test how much you have learned from text book, get your younger brother or sister to test you on your notes.Point and laugh at them when they cant pronounce " cummingtonite".[There actually is a substance called Cummingtonite] Its great entertainment.No?

Stick Notes around your house.
Stick important equations like "36 26 38" in places where you'll often see them. If you have a hot date, write that important date, time and location on a stick it note and place it near the mirror.This way , these awesome information will automatically sink into your brain like the Titanic in the Atlantic.Whenever you see that stick it note, you will feel refreshed and get a feeling of purpose in your life.

Hangout with your friends.
Always hangout with your friends.This way you will be constantly keeping in touch and exchanging information on the latest movies in the multiplexes. Ignore those friends who are always with the books as they can give you the creeps.Never use friends as benchmark for how much you have learned.Talents differ,some may have efficient eyesight, some can read answer paper of the person sitting in front of you even though its upside down.
"Remember examination is like a hot chick in the shopping mall, every man for himself."-Sorcerer

Combined Study.
Combined study is just an extension of a rave party,only that you tear pages from your textbook to make a joint.Combined study is hosted by the person at some lucky classmate's home whose parents are away at some relatives marriage function. If the host have a younger sibling at the home, he can be duct taped and stored in the trunk of a premium car.

For combined study, you need lots of movie CDs.Drinks to rehydrate yourself. [Beer is a natural coolant.]. Pirated game CDs is a must. You can also invite 'Brainy' girls to give you a 'hand' in your studies.Some books will add touch to the overall atmosphere and can be useful to swat flies or tray to hold beer bottles.[Record Books with thick cover is an excellent tray]

You can start the combined study, by asking "ARE YOU READDDDYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy"", then you can switch on the T.V, music System, gaming consoles, and all the media related electronic equipments in your home.

Then paaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrtttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!

Anyone who says 'Examination' or 'Mark' or 'What we gonna do' should be dealt with more beer; as you all know that examination is nothing to be worried about.Remember, "In Russia..examination worries you", since you are not a Russian, you ain't gotta worry mate.

Ask for help
Never hesitate to ask for help,if you are not able to warez certain movies.[UP anybody?]. If you are tensed and worried about the exam, ask for help from your fave bartender for extra strong stuff. Google is a wonderful thing to solve all your worries.Get it off your chest and type it in the Search Box; that's all you need to do when you are starting to get worried.There is nothing a poster of Monica Belluci can't cure.
Remember, you are not alone on this, there are approximately x^n no of persons going through the same state of mind.

Have a fall back plan.
Many of you would want to study at Harvard or become CEO of some MNC's or secure employment at lucrative place like a fast food restaurant,a Supermarket or gas filling station.
Don't pressure yourself thinking about all these endless possibilities which is like the recession-Endless. You should always have a Plan B. [Americans lovingly call it Exit Strategy.].
Always opt for a career that matches your passion like a pimp or drug dealer or a molester.[Molester is an career path with many branches to specialize!].

Let's say you have a natural ability to convince people. You can build a very good career out of extortion and then later become a well respected politician.Later you can retire from your 'successful' career life with state pension. The police will give you gun salute when they bury you. They would even name road, where you raped your first victim,to honor you.

For those who are still confused about the career path, wait till you finish the university or get into one.Soon your life will be clear in front of you, as clear as vodka.

Get some Exercise.
Don't simply sit and grow spare tyre around your belly.




[This is what happens when you do lots of combined studies with out exercise.]

Get out, stalk that hot chick who comes to the nearby park and get some quality exercise. If you think that, exercise will stretch your lung muscles, you can send text messages to all the people in your phone book.Sending text message can give exercise to both your hands,unlike certain exercises,like...err...clicking with the mouse.Only a healthy body can park a healthy mind.

____________________

These are the methods to prepare yourself for the examination and a great career ahead.


TIP: If you are in one of those South Indian Universities, where you are graded by the thickness of your answer sheets then while you are answering questions, make sure that you write the story of the latest 'super hit' movie as the answer. This will enlighten the person who correct your answer sheet. Who wouldn't like to read an entertaining story.
Explaining in detail the 'intimate' scenes in the movie would fetch you brownie points.

Good luck! You will need it.
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Sunday, April 4, 2010

.::CHERRY ON TOP::.



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Yes, I got an award for my blog. Yes,the blog post title was simply to mislead you,'CHERRY ON TOP' . It actually is the Name of the quote Award Unquote.

Thank you
Megha, so much for the award.I am so happy . :)
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With the award, I am asked to reveal 3 things I love about myself.

a) I love when I am sleeping. This is when the whole world around me experience calmness and repair itself(Like growing nails and patching up skin).This is the time when my brain, works hard to get my avtar to Hawaii beach and run around with Monica Belluci. Gravity has an effect on me while I am sleeping and I orbit around an imaginary axis around the bed, while asleep.I speak Hebrew while I am asleep. Sleeping actually is not sleeping but its a lifestyle for me.Thus, I love my lifestyle.

b)I love potato chips as it is rich in Calcium,salt and minerals, vital for the growth of intelligence. NASA is actually looking for traces of potato on Mars,to confirm the presence on intelligent orgasms on Mars.

c)I love to read. I like reading everything and anything, even the subtitles on movies., though the movie is in English.I love reading, things written on T-Shirt. I have been misunderstood by many, thinking that I am staring at the BOLD lettering, but actually I am increasing my vocabulary for a positive learning curve.
*sigh.No?

I am also asked to post a picture I love (e.g a person you adore etc.)





This is NOT a picture of me, But I like this picture. This resembles me in many situations.


Tag 5 people you wish to pass this award on to

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There are some rules for the people whom I have tagged.

Rules
1. Thank the person that gave this to you [ You can also send him cash,cheque or potato chips.]
2. Copy the award and put it on your blog.[Same thing what you did in during college days,copy paste]
3. List 3 things you love about yourself. [ I know its hard, just post in some gossips about you.Spare those healthy hair and nails and skin and Jockey 'dress' collection you have.]
4. Post a picture you love (e.g a person you adore etc.) [ Everyone knows how to google naked chicks..soo..stay away from such devious things!Great mind think alike!]
5. Tag 5 people you wish to pass this award on to [Yeah! pass it on like a smile,spread it like err....butter on bread]
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Saturday, April 3, 2010

.::MANGLISH::.

English has many dialects, so does every other language. Mallu version of English is widely different from any accent of English known to mankind.Its scientifically proven that the use of coconut oil makes the tongue slip and won't stick to the top portion of the mouth, hence the air is released out of the mouth like a acupunctured foot ball, making the words sound a bit weird. That is why most Mallu's find it difficult to speak like a saipp[ Male foreigner.]

Mallu accent is simble and eacee to understand though. The trick to understand Mallu English is to repeat the word that confused you again and again and again in your mind, and try to match it with the combination of words that go with the situation you are in. Suresh Gopi and Mammootty is widely regarded as the English teachers of Mallus. Suresh Gopi taught each and every kid in Kerala the word 'Shit'. A word which has many possibilities like the word Fcuk.Shit also mean anything and everything in English like the word Fcuk. 'Sense and Sensibility' is the contribution of Mammootty to the Malluwood.

Lolakutty, a well known Mallu Amminikutty, has also done lots of researrch on Manglish[Manglish is an Anglomallu kid born out of unprotected coitus of Malayalam and English.].Many regard Lolakutty as the brand ambassador of Manglish only.

..
..

It is a rule in certain pools that they don't allow you to dive into the pool.
So there was these awesome guys who went on for a trip to Goa. After emjoying the 'scenic' beauty they decided to spend 'quality' time at the pool.

Tharu who was in the lead decided to 'enlighten' the oasssum chicks by the pool with his 'dolphin dive' in which, he usually, ends up flat on the belly resulting in splash of water and agonizing cry like a buffalo on heat.[ Ammmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa:err..My best effort to put the agonizing cry in letters.]

After doing that masterpiece diving he was bobbling up and down in the pool like a lonely coconut lost in sea. He was so proud of his diving ,cuz he nearly scared lil kiddos at the pool side with the heavy splash, giving them a free kiddo-wash and diluting the kiddo's lemon juice with awesome pool water.
"Shit", escaped out of someones mouth, but it got diluted with the sound of 'Splashing' of water.

That's when the 'authorities' decided to enforce the law. They came and told him that "NO DIVING ALLOWED."

Tharu, was staring at the 'authority' . He was giving them an sugarless tea look.[ Read:A look without any emotions on face like sugarless tea.]
"No Diving Allowed". Says the pool guy again.
Tharu simbly does the bling bling with his eyes.

The pool guy waited for a few more seconds to get some kind of human feedback, like .."errr..Sorry" or "err...Okay" from Tharu; which of course never happened.The pool guy must have thought Tharu must be deaf and dumb.
..
..
The following conversation were in Malayalam.Translated for my blog readers

Tharu:What did he say?

Friend 1:What?

Tharu:What did the pool guy say?

Friend 1:Oh! He said..No Deiwing allowed.

Tharu:oh!! We cant Deiw here?

Friend 1:No.

..
..

So when the word 'diving' reach the south, it hits the Nilgiri moutains and slightly dent a lil bit.So 'diving' become 'Deiwing'.
..
..
Anyway, Tharu later confessed that if he could understand 'Their English' he would have apologized for falling flat out on belly in the pool.
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