< VIDEO TAPE PLAYER>

It is an incident that happened some years back. That was when we had the VCR and VCP dominating the television era. That bulky dinosaur machinery is now replaced by iPod and CD players.

Why Am I telling you this?

Because this incident revolves around that prehistoric anomaly.

Arshad was our neighbor. Good guy, extra clean attitude, extra decent, silent. He is the favorite guy for all on our block. Girls run out of adjectives when they describe him. Above all he is a God fearing guy.

When we get kicked by my best buddy’s sister, she always ends her statements saying “Look at Arshad, Such a nice guy, unlike you morons. Guys should be like that. Learn from him.”

We don’t have any regrets. We are rebels and we are shamelessly proud of it. We shout, we do all nonsense things. BEEG DEAL if the other earthlings cannot take it.

..

..

One evening, we get a call from Arshad’s sister.

“Hey! We want to watch a video. Arshad is not here. Can you help us operate this stuff?”

“Errr…yeah!!”

My friend hung up the call.

“Its is her. She wants some help with the video tape player. Thank God for too many buttons on the remote control.”

“Yeah!”

As you have guessed, we never miss an opportunity to help a human in need,contrary to the popular belief that is.

..

..

We went to Arshad’s home.

The home was fully packed with females. His cousins, his aunts, his grannies, small kids, and toddlers, also some chicks from our neighborhood everybody was there at his home. If he runs for an election, he sure will win.

We kinda felt like ‘errrrrr….’ When we entered the room.

“Arshad is not here. And this tape has the recording of our relative’s wedding ceremony. So we want to watch it.”

She handed the tape to my friend.

The technical persons,(Me and My friend) was in the spotlight.

You ever had that feeling, you are being watched. We had such a feeling then.

He pushed the tape in. It’s supposed to be ‘AUTOMATIC’ (SARCASM!! Thinking about today.)

NOTHING!!!

We with our awesome analytical skill found that the tape player is not connected to the television.

We set everything right and pushed the tape in again

Well!! All we could see was some faces with lots of out of focus pixels(Grains!! They call that in old days) accompanied by eerie music.

“Need to open it up and clean the tape head.” DECLARED my friend.

Arshad’s sister got us a screw driver. We opened it and cleaned the tape head with a piece of newspaper. (Wipe dirt with dirt and viola!!! It goes)

“Do you have any other tape? Can’t risk putting this video tape again. Just need to make sure that the tape head is clean.” That was an intelligent suggestion from my friend.

‘hmm….Let me check.” Said Arshad’s sister,

“Hey!! Arshad bro has got a tape in his cupboard” declared a sweet little voice. “I will go and get it.” This little girl said that and ran upstairs.

..

..

The little girl returned with a tape in her hand.

My friend looked at the unmarked tape. He pushed the video tape into the player. He was busy putting back the screws on to the player and those screws slipped and rolled under the television stand. Me and my buddy got to the task of pickin the dark lil screws from the dark granite floor.

..

..

We stood up after getting those screws and ta…daaaa!!! The room was empty. Everyone was gone. There was no one in that room. We looked at the TV Screen.

Ayayayay!!!! There was this naked man doing nasty (read: awesome) things to this naked woman. Ayayayay!!!

Someone was getting screwed while we were searching for the screws. Did you notice Irony surrounding that statement?

We switched off the television. Took the video tape back and switched off the video player.

“errr…. Should we tell them we are leaving?” I asked my friend.

“err…We are leaving.” We called out into the void room ()

..

..

We walked with our heads down till we were in clear. Actually we were hiding the huge grin on our face thinking about the aftermath of this situation, contrary to the onlookers belief that we hung our head for being in that embarassing situation.

“Arshad is gonna get screwed today. Aint it?” I asked my friend

We both nodded our head.

“Did you hear that CRASH after we left?” My friend asked me.

“That could be the tape getting floored.” I replied.

..

..

Rebels scored another point!!

__________________________+

< CONVERSATION >

Another conversation post to end the month with

..

..

Sorcerer:Go ahead, I am listening.

DocChick:We were given a frog,for the experiment.

Sorcerer:hmm..

DocChick:Then we bang it on the desk.

Sorcerer:Poor frog, You BANG it?You said "WE" and is it an orgy kinda thingy?Frog Orgy! You got a video of it or something?

DocChick:Huh!!Its to shock it. Kinda like that.

Sorcerer:Is that what you are taught to do, whe

n you run out of local anasthesia?

DocChick:I would be glad to do that to you.

Sorcerer:Bang me, Bang me Bang me Bang me..*Droool

DocChick:I will never talk to you again.

..

..

____________________

..

..

Sorcerer:Hey! Nice pic. Whose that guy standing next to you?

M**i*a: errr..thats my boyfriend.

Sorcerer: *Sighs

M**i*a:Why?

Sorcerer:You have 8 cousins+1 Fighter Pilot dad, I was plotting to abduct you.I need to redraw my plans.

M**i*a:I forgot to tell you, my boy friend is a boxer¹.

Sorcerer: I will take care of that with biscuits.

M**i*a: What?

Sorcerer:*Tries hard to not to laugh.

M**i*a:What?

Sorcerer:Ha ha ha ha

M**i*a:What?

_____

For those who is still wondering "WHAT?"

*^{1::Boxer according to me}

____________________

Sorcerer:I got laid!!

Sanju:From who?

Sorcerer:My client. Ya know G******.

Sanju:Congrats.You will, You are earning in doooolars now.

Sorcerer: Yes!!She transfered it to my account.

Sanju:What?

Sorcerer:Oops!! PAID..not LAID!!

____________________

Girl;I am a bi

Sorcerer:hmm...So How will someone know in which mode you are, like in you change color?

Girl:Mostly on weekends I am a lesbian.

Sorcerer:So you are like a part time lesbian. Wow!! Its Sunday today.

Girl:Its Saturday over here.

Sorcerer:* Oops!!Crashed and burned.

Girl:lol

__________________________+

< TAGWARD >

The Omen came true. I got tagged again. When I switched on the TV today morning, I saw lion and a gazelle playing tag. Yes, the universe conspired in my favor, alchemizing the moments for this wonderful award tag brought to me by an Angel from Heaven. Let us discuss in detail how this tag works. This award comes with a beautiful icons and of course with colorful strings attached.

When any unsuspecting victim accepts this award, the award winner should write a post bragging about it, not to forget to mention the name of the 'offender' who thinks you deserve such an acclaim[really! sinners should be punished]. To force de majeure your claim, you should link back to the person who snitched on you. Next thing the victim should do is to select a minimum of 7 (S.E.V.E.N) blogs, that you could read and understand, benchmarking them on its awesomely incredible blaharoeical content or design.

If you don’t have 7 friends online who don’t have a blog, select 7 strangers (including sex offenders) and give them this awesome award. Once you have zeroed in on your 7 victims like a mosquito, leave a threat, informing them that they are the lucky winners of a cool Icon from Honest Weblog.

[ NOTE: We are NOT giving away millions of dollars from Bank of Africa.]

Now you may be wondering why I got this award and why I am giving those offenders this award. The aim is to write 10 honest thing about yourself [ I know it is hard. I meant writing 'honest' things is 'hard'.huh!!].Then pass it on to those who you want to punish.

So following this unbroken tradition passed on from time immemorial, I give thy 10 honest thingy. Before that I got to brag about the person who gave me this award. First things first.

I never believed angels could blog until I saw an angel blog. She is an awesome blogger from U.K who keys in (to) those wonderful human emotions, in its raw form.[Pst..Pst: She is an ophthalmologist.] Appreciate that even in her fast paced schedules she finds time to blog on.

Back to the hard part.

____________________

1) I never changed the wall paper, ringtone or any alert on my mobile. Once I had kept a wallpaper or ringtone, It remains like whatever forever.

2) I have programmed two web portals all by myself and it is still online.

[If you are one of those in the 'inner circle' you would know those web portals. No!! It doesn’t have naked chicks. ]

3) I believe in communication. One reason why I am still prepaid customer of Vodafone. I can talk to everything, including pressure cooker.

4) I pull up pranks on my unsuspecting friends. I am shamelessly proud about it and blog about it too.

5) I love potato chips. I have this theory that potato chips could be a solution for world hunger.

6) I prefer non veg food and non veg jokes.

7) Vampy says I am the reason why God made decafe. That pretty much sums me up.

8) I live with people who should be institutionalized for their awesome intellectual outbreak like creating backup of backk up of their porn folder.

9) I love kicking noobs in social networking site communities and discussion forums. Creating new world order that is.

10) I do pencil drawing.

I hereby declare that the above statements are true to my best knowledge and belief.

Now the moment for passing this awesome award to other bloggers. There are few in the ECF who don’t update their blog at all. I take this opportunity to tag them trying to help them to get their blog moving.

1: Vampy

2:Sanju

3:D

4:Susie

5:Sharky

6:Sam

7:Spectrum

__________________________+

< WOMEN EMPOWERMENT >

A technical topic on woman empowerment. My cousin wrote this dumb article for some college related blahject work. With some changes I am publishing it for my blog readers.

____________________

(I hate Feminism)

Women have always been considered as the inferior part of the society. This may be because of their phisycal weaknesses .Their denial to common rights has been supported by many cultures and popular beliefs. A lot this seems to reflect in our literary works

Language

I like to call English a hybrid language. Its effectiveness lie in its simplicity and the space it offers for new words and phrases. Inevitably more and more words have been added to the English vocabulary over the years. We seldom seem to notice words, phrases and idioms that inferiorise women

EXAMPLES

•The word “Mankind” is used to represent humans. The word itself is a proof of masculine domination and feminine submission in the early days of literature.

•Vehicles are feminine. Anything that can be controlled or used is female in English literature. Its definitely not coincidence.

It’s not just the English culture, all cultures stick to this tendency as if it were a standard. Greek, Roman and Hindu mythologies have evidences of that.

All female gods in Greek mythology are of peace, fortune or any other docile thing. We may account it as a remnant of a woman’s maternal characteristics until get a look at the dudes

Thunder, War, The Overlord (Zeus), Poseidon (if u have read the odyssey)…..All are dominant over their female counterparts. The Roman myths are closely related to the Greek ones (they are still Greek to us)

Hindu religion also seem to get its wind. Wisdom, beauty etc are typical examples of what a she-god could give you

Let me ask you something……….who’s your favorite superhero?

Spiderman, Superman, Batman or any other ones?

Any superhero you might have thought of has a 97.67% of being a guy.

So….arent there any femme fatales???

Well….

• Bat girl is busy keeping Bruce Wayne’s files in order
• Wonder Woman is more of a sex symbol (American sex symbol that is.)
• The Invisible girl is virtually invisible (oh!! she’s supposed to be that way?)
• The original TMNT didn’t have any girls (it’s a guy thing)
• Lois lane can’t fly (She’s not a superhero anyway)
• Cat woman always gets caught.

We grew up with these cartoons and comics. Children’s minds are easier to mould. It hardens as we grow up but the impressions stay. We have to face the fact that females are always damsels in distress waiting for some hunk to come up and rescue them (Later have awesome sex). What it means is that they are dependent on males (us). More importantly, we should be aware of the fact that we made it that way and we are passing it to the next generation. Give this thing some serious thought!!!!!!

Not just comics, novels………….from Victorians to Sydney Sheldon…All are male centered

Aquelius was a dude…………so was Phobeus, Dr.Faustus, Quasimodo, Sherlock Holmes, The hardy boys, Don Clericuzio, James Bond

Some of the women who have a place equal to male popularity are

Cleopatra, Calypso, Portia, Lara Croft, Charlie’s Angels

I’m highlighting media because it’s the most popular mode of conveying anything to people. A community so addicted to media has a high chance of believing what it says. [ Young generation that is.]

__________________________+

< RING TONE >

It was Sunday. I was bored sitting at home, reading the news paper, again and again and again. I was even reading even those obituaries; what do you say..'Extracting the awesome knowledge' in the news paper.

I debated with my conscious, who never shuts up and decided to visit my friend who lives 4 and half cart wheels away.

I was on my foot, walking to a home which was 4 and half cart wheels away.

..

..

I was given a warm reception by my friend Raneesh, who was wearing a towel,misdiagonised as GYM Buff Guy,worshipping beer and McDonald.

Too much FTV could harm you! This is a living proof.

"Hey!! GYM Boy, you aint solved your beer belly issue yet?" I responded to the warm welcome. Yes! I was trying my best to be hostile.

In response, he sucked his stomach in.

HA HA HA HA HA!! said my conscious.

"Where is Mr.Airtel?" I asked Raneesh.

"Can't you hear him?" Another question was the answer, just like Windows Help File.

He walked into his bathroom.

Like those new Nokia mobile phones which could nullify the background noise, my ears nullified the background noise and zeroed on Mr.Airtel's frequency.

It sounded like someone cutting wood with a woodsaw. Krrrrrrrrr..krrrrrrrrrrr..krrrrrrr.

Mr.Airtel was sleeping, snoring loud. Like all snorers and rapists, he denies him snoring.

..

..

I switched on the T.V and as usual there was nothing interesting like some great leader staring at the ass of cute chick captured by news crews, or some high profile sex scandals.Nobody gives a FUCk these days.World is becoming more gray.

Huh! said my conscious.

..

..

I took out my classic Nokia mobile phone and started playing, 'Nature Park' on it.

Conscious: You walked 4 and half cartwheels, in the hot sun, to play game on YOUR mobile phone?

Me: Any better idea?

Conscious: I can give you a clue.Mr.Airtel has got new games on his mobile.

Me:aaha?....... Aha!!

..

..

I went into Mr.Airtel's room.

"Hey! I am taking your mobile." I said because I have read somewhere that it is not proper to take someones mobile without permission.

"Snoooooooooooorrr...Snoooooooooorrrrr" was the reply.

"Okay! Thank you!!"

..

..

I went back, sat on the awesome couch and started playing game on my buddies mobile.

..

..

Conscious:I had high hopes on you.

Me:HEY!!!Do not disturb me while I am playing games.

Conscious:"Chance favors the prepared mind!!" Isn't that your tagline?

Me:Awww..you are getting more philosophical and yeah when you are talking to me try and talk in a female voice.

Conscious:Your friend is snoring and you have his mobile phone.Can't you record it?

Me:WOW!! You are a GENIUS!!!

Conscious:Yawn!!

..

..

I was back in my friend's room, recording his snoring. After that, I made his snore as his ringtone. Kept the phone back near him.

..

..

I felt so good after doing that. Now, even the old ads were interesting to watch.

Funny! human mind is.

..

..

After an hour, Mr.Airtel, drag himself out of his sleep and his bedroom. I had to part with a part on this awesome couch for his puny butt.

We were watching a movie and his phone starts snoring.

Mr.Airtel:Ha ha ha ha..Whose making that stupid noise?

Me:Phone.

Mr.Airtel:What a horrible sound.What ?Is it some sound clip from Jurrasic Park?

Me:What do you think?

Mr.Airtel:Answer the phone.Its horrible.

Me:You answer it.It's your phone.

Mr.Airtel:Nope! My phone don't have such a ringtone.

Me:It has now.

I showed him my mobile phone, which was not ringing and was low on battery. [ I hate those chinese replacement batteries, but I love the noodles.]

Mr.Airtel runs into his bedroom to get his phone.

..

..

"So I snore and its so loud" Mr.Airtel acknowledges.

"Yeah! loud enough to be a ringtone." I replied.

__________________________+

< AIR GUN MURUGAN >

This incidend happend a few days back.

I was standing in the balcony of my home, enjoying the drizzle of the rain and the cool wind.

It was almost 12:30 at night.The cool and awesome weather kept me awake. The Bangalore minutes ticked by.

There on the road, The Black Cat of our street, THE BLACK DOG, walked, scheming in his doggy mind to do some dirty doggy things near the gate to my home. The dog walked up and down the street like the needle of a speedo meter(Metaphor).

This Black Dog is a new addition to our street. He is hypder,(Highly Yintelligent Perverted Dog eveR).After a coup, he took over the street from the Amchi Local Dog and the small kids who play cricket in our street. He chooses the time, after we all go to sleep, to practice his vocalaroheoa with his team mates

Like every true story, my story also has a hero. Its not the super man who wears the undies over his pants. Its my neighbour.

Let me introduce the Hero Of Our Story. The 60 or so year old, retired uncle, who lives opposite to my home. Every night, when the streets are empty, he comes down from the second floor of his home, armed with a cigarette. He sits near the general store now closed after business for the day, enjoying his cigarette

Tonight he came and sat on the small cement platform near the shop. He started smoking his cigarette.

The black dog who rules the street after dark, comes and stands near our hero- the old uncle. The uncle used to pay tribute to the dog every evening, like chappathis, Biscuits etc for guarding our street from evil hands.

The dog, cuddled up near the lap of the seemingly harmless uncle.

I was watching the whole action from my balcony. They always say, dog is a man's best friend.I had my doubts with this dog.

Then It happened. "pppppppppppppppprrrrrrrrrffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttt." The uncle bellowed loudly,like the mating call of an African warthog, breaking the silence of a peaceful night.The loud sound echoed in the street, reverborated in such a way that, it could put a jet figter on afterburn to shame.

If the dog could talk

Dog: WTF? Dude!!! Its me...your blacky.How can you do this to me man?Yo man!! How can ya smoke it on my face man?

The dog, was so confused from the unpredictable and invisible backstab from a 60 year old man.

As I was lookin, I saw the dog jump on all its fours and it ran like the wind, breaking the sound barrior and everything in front of it. Virtually, the dog was flying?

It never even cared to look for the traffic.I leaned over the balcony, only to see the dog galloping and crossing into the next street, and to the adjacent street to it. There the street ended with a compound wall. The dog slowed down and it turned to look back for the first time after this enocunter with the invisible stink.

Thanks uncle, the dog, never bothered us that night. We all had a good sleep.

Dear uncle, we the proud citizen of the street, honour you by the title, "Air gun Murgan". Thank you, for your humble, 'down to earth' performance the other night,we all had a good night sleep.

__________________________+

< CONVERSATIONS >

Sanjog: i think I have 6% over the pass

I think some questions were really irrevant

me: okay, for me all questins are irrelevant

2:36 PM

Sanjog: what do u mean?

me: they should not question us .:(

санжог/Sanjog: lol

____________________

Genius:whats a feed reader?

Geniass:A third generation netizen who is addicted to reading blogs.

____________________

Gwen: hehehehe tc...MUAAAAAAAAAH

3:59 PM

your day got better!

4:00 PM

me: *changes color

*faints

4:01 PM

Gwen: no cpr for you...(walks away)

4:02 PM

me: *thinks:Darn..you read my mind

Gwen: oh shutup!

4:03 PM

me: make me....noo..not with the fire extinguisher

____________________

Gal:How long you gonna be online?

Guy:err..Another hour.

Gal:Cool. I will come after an hour.

____________________

gwen: nice...so wat you upto?

me: hmm..just random nonsense stuff

____________________

Gwen: he see a woman...the most beautiful one hes ever laid eyes on...

6:18 PM

me: ever laid?

Gwen: nope..laid eyes on!

Me:Okay..Go ahead

____________________

Gal:Yeah! My fave color is blue.

Guy:Really? Mine too.See,we got many things in common between us, including the global warming.

____________________

Girl:Hey!You missed me?

Guy:Yeah,Missed you like the fire in the belly of a dragon?

Girl:What?

____________________

me: hmm...UNIX was my love ya know

Sanjog: really

me:after she crapped up my final year project and committed suicide on the day of presentation.we brokeup

still I love my unix more than anything

I still have that feeling for her

Sanjog: how did it crash?

6:39 PM

me: dont know mate. the day of the presentation..she didnt boot

Sanjog: ha ha ha ha

u need to learn lots of nook and cranny of linux

6:40 PM

me: but unix was cool

i loved her VI editor when everyone hated it

Sanjog: u must have messed up the bootloader grub

me: i loved those commands..esspecially the "finger" command

Sanjog: lol, now its different

its more like windows

6:41 PM

idiot friendly

next next next ok thats all you have to do

rest is automatic

me: yeah..i know. LInux is like the blonde on the bloke

6:42 PM

and Ubantu is size zero

__________________________+

< SMS ALARM >

It's a crazy way to wake up in the morning to the sound of your mobile phone.NO!! I am not talking about the usual, 'ALARM' feature on the mobile phone. This is something more cynical.

I believe in the theory of evolution by Mr. Charles Darwin, cuz, I have evolved my immunity to the sweet, horrific (IRONY) tone of my mobile alarm.

No matter where I keep the mobile phone, my hand always find a way to snooze it, snooze it, snooze it.. It goes on.

BUT (yes! that is a BIG BUT)

Today, Vampy one of my comrade, had a nightmare or what ever and woke up early. She must have felt bored and decided to send SPAM(Stupid Person Awout of her Mind) Text messages to chosen 5 of us.

Boinglow..Boinglow, Twoin..Twoin..Twoin...(This is how my message alert sounds like, my best effort to put it in words), the cell phone rang, announcing the first message has reached my inbox. In response I covered my head with blanket.

Boinglow..Boinglow, Twoin..Twoin..Twoin...

Again!!!?

I put the phone under my pillow.

Boinglow..Boinglow, Twoin..Twoin..Twoin...

My conscious, woke up and opened the window, letting those cool ideas in.

Conscious: Who is sending messages? Is it important? It must be. What if you have won a NOBEL for awesome blog literature? These days, they just give away the title. What if the NOBEL committee wants to let you know the first thing in the morning? Wake up, theres a lot of money. You can buy lots of LAYS potato chips.

Dragged the phone inside the blanket, opened one eye and started reading the message.

AARRRGGH!! It read

"Hello World!!! I have woken up, entertain me."

Yes, some one wants entertainment. Just to put a cease fire to the SPAM firing, I decided to call her.

Me: Hey!! What the good morning are you doing?

Vampy: hmm...Yeah I woke up early, burned my dress while I was ironing it. Since I am superstitious I am not going to college, Being a Hotel Management student, I would burn the whole place down, may be.

Me:Good reason for not going to college.

Vampy:blah blah blah

Me:Blah Blah?

Vampy:Blah blah..Blah blah..

..

..

..

Me:Okay.errr.alright

Vampy: Hmm..Now you are out of the point of no return on sleep, I will let you go. I need to send some more messages.

I drag myself from bed, not worrying about which side to get off. The unthinkable has already happened.Who cares if its the right side of bed or left side. Huh!

____________________

At around 9:00 Am my other friend Juggie calls me.

Juggie: Did you get messages?

Me:Yeah I got 5 of them. I think.

Juggie: I got 20 text messages from Vampy. I had woken up early, was lying in bed, my mobile was lying near me, in vibrate mode. It started vibrating, and I was thinking, its enjoying itself, ya know..vibration and things.

Me: hmm..Yeah..Yeah! You thought your mobile is having a wet dream or something?

Juggie: That is exactly my point. We should give her back something. Aint it?

Me: Yeah!! Chance favors the prepared mind.

Me: I am going to write a press release for our new movies in my blog.

Juggie: Yeah!! I will read it in your blog

____________________

PRESS RELEASE:

Bangalore:TCS Pictures is planning to release a new movie based on a real life story of a humble man, who loves his family more than he loves his diet coke. Its a true incident happening in many families and the production house has denied any resemblance of persons in the cast to anyone living or dead or in the making.

The lead actor, who don't want to be named, said: " It is a complete family entertainer of a guy who cant entertain his family. You should all watch the movie ' QUICKIE MURGAN'. "

After the success of the super duper box office hit of "Condom of Sailesh",[In line with Quantum of Solace ] another family entertainer and a crime thriller, the whole production house is confident about the success of the new release which will happen in the fall of December 2009.

__________________________+

< DICTIONARY >

Some common words you will come across in your daily life and me and my buddie's humble efforts to give it the best definition.

____________________

A

Autoexc.bat :Sextisaction through self gratification

Anti-Climax: A Bore-gasm.

Automated (Auto-mated): Act of making love in an automobile.

B

Bra: Best Rack Augmentation

Bacteria: A lab Culture.

Bandage(Ban-D-Age): Something that many cosmetics companies claim their products to do.

Binary: Of Both sexes

Bore:Someone who discarded your amazing enlightment

C

CANNIBAL(Can I Ball): What you ask your captain during a cricket match.

COLLEGE: A four year period 'Social Setting'.

E

Eternity: Start an argument with your wife/girl friend, and you will know.

Errors: Bread and butter of software testers

F

FUCK: The only word in English that means everything.

Finger: Manual calcultor.

G

God: Competitor of Darwin.

Gossiper: A guy/gal with sense of rumor.

H

Harddrive: Driving on the roads during heavy traffic.

I

Impotent :People with low hopes.

J

Jockey: A brand of innerwear

K

Kidnap:Your happy hours when the kid is taking a nap.

L

Law student:Someone who studies to lie with the rules.

Lecture:A performance that puts students to sleep

Locomotive(loco-motive): A nut case with a motive.

Love affair: 20-20 cricket format of love.

M

Mandate: A gay on a date.

Mathematical Model:A model based on mathematics, which goes by the figure -36-26-38

O

Orgasm - The gland finale.

P

Patience: Ability to smile when browsing on low bandwidth.

Professional:Geek

Q

Quickie:For the 10 second guy

R

Retard: Past tense of retire

S

Safe Sex:Moving the bed two feet from the wall so your girl doesn't get a concussion.

Smart ass: Lets u know when its going to fart.

Smoke: What comes after sex when done without much foreplay.

T

Teenager: Punishment for enjoying sex.

U

Urinalysis :The study of pissed off people

V

VIRGIN: Someone who doesn't give a fuck.

W

Wordprocessor: A human who is a translator.

X

..

..

errr..

Y

Yawn :Openly expressing your interst in something.

Z

Zebra : ze cloth which covers ze breasts.

____________________

2 of my fellow inmates, helped me with some word definitions.

(In no particular order)

1)Sanjog

2)Sammok

__________________________+

< AN ARGUMENT >

I live in a country, which is culturally very diverse. There are over 17 major languages in India.Different dialects , in India number over several hundreds and the number of actual spoken languages reach over 2500.

Like the language, the taste of food also changes every 10 kms or so. To bring an order to this awesome diversity, major corporates are opening coffee shops and tea shops every 10 Kms.Good! . Thanks for them everything everywhere taste like water these days.(I rest my case of Flu, Not the swine one.)

OKay, Lets talk more sense, than this Free Geography lessons.

Me, my cousin and some of my friends, were having a heated debate. Since we are not allowed to debate inside the home, we chose the terrace.

We were discussing about balls, Football, that is. Chelsea vs Assanals.(Excuse me, I dont know the spelling of any teams other than Chelsea).

I was amazed by the way, they were debating by telling the statistics of the game, ironically most of them don't even remember the title name of the first chapter in their text books.

The intellectual brainstorming was proceeding at full swing, when one of my friend, Ullekh got a call on his mobile phone.

The discussion came to halt like, how you want to sneeze and it wont happen thingy.

His face lit up like that of a rat who had found cheese. It was his girl friend who was calling him, disturbing him, when we were, busy discussing about foot ball.Kishore, who was high on debate, snatched the phone from the hands of Ullekh and cancelled the call.

His phone had a horrible ringtone.Don't know if he had kept that exclusively for that girl.

This, started a fresh round of debates.Now, I say,this is becoming more interesting.

According to an unwritten rule, when two friends in our friend's circle pickup a verbal fight or argument, nobody should take sides. Let those contenders, fight it off or argue it off, till the adrenaline subsides.The remaining people should remain like, whut...ever.

Actually, this is a good time to listen and learn a lot of things.

1) New swear words.Swear words differ from place to place, even though in same state or county or what ever.

2) The way they position themsleves in arguement and the points in arguments.

3) For awesome intellectual outbreaks like , Go F[beep] with your tentacles.[ I googled and learnt that Octopus does that and it was a mystery for many years.]

____________________

For you to understand the argument between my friends, I am giving it below as a conversation.

Ullekh :F[beep] you.

Kishore: F[beep ] you too..

Ullekh: Why the hell did you cut the call.

Kishore: Why the hell you didn't pick the call. You have a horrible ringtone.

Ullekh :F[beep] you Idiot.

Kishore: F[beep ] your [beep]..

My Conscious: Whose gonna have their first cigar now?

They changed their oral sex to more comfortable language: Amchi Local Mallu[ Malayalam] swear words. Their awesome vocabulary in English was limited to a very few words for intimate actions and body parts. Kindergarten Kids!

Ullekh:Beep..Beep..

Kishore:Beep...beep.beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep..

Ullekh:BEEP

Kishore:Stop it there.WHAT?..What was that you called me?

Ullekh:errrr....

My Conscious:uh oh!!! Houston...we have a problem.

Ullekh:BEEP [ He repeated the same word again]

Kishore:WHAT was that again?

Ullekh: BEEP

Kishore: Wow!!Whats the meaning of that? My bro calls me that always when he gets angry at me. What does that mean?Tell me.

My Conscious: Hmm...somebody is getting benefited from this argument. Poor Kishore, how much he must be suffering, mentally without knowing the meaning of what his elder bro called him, unable to clear it with his elder bro, cuz they are allowed to call but not explain.

Now, Ullekh looks very much surprised and Kishore looked like a desciple, surrendering himself in front of the awesome knowledge of Ullekh- The guru.

We all had a good laugh over it. I think that was the word for the day.

____________________

Edit (dd=09/mm=10/yy=2009):

Some people asked me after reading this blog,(privately of course), What was the word?I appreciate their thirst for knowledge. The word was simple, but the way its pronounced was funny.

**The word meant the his/her becoming an autoexec.bat.(Go figure!)

__________________________+

< METAPHORS/SIMILES ? >

I used to get amazed by the creative way certain people write.Effortlessly putting their words across the reader, creating a wonderland / cemetery land in the brains of the reader, giving him the goose bumps or oohh la la .

My research deep into the 'creative writing' part made me remember those things I have learned long before(Writing impositions). The Metaphors/Similes [ Seriously, I am confused what they are called].

Dear reader, this is my humble effort to become creative writer. Hope you like the metaphors/whatevernameucallit I invented.

My friend , whom I consider to be a creative writer after reading this said that " I should be in a straight jacket."

Here, I give you MY Awesome thing below.[ I meant the content given below].

____________________

• He planted himself in his couch, the most fertile soil for his laziness.

• His comments made her angry, words flowed from her mouth like an unclogged drainage, all dirty.

• The surprise party, made her bling bling like a christmas tree.

• He searched her in the crowd, like lookin at the google result page, unlucky he, she is not highlighted.

• The thought struck him, like a stone in the delicious fried rice.

• She was complicated like a sudoku.

• It was raining cats and dogs from her mouth.

• She ignored him like a sim-card that had no validity.

• She had curves that resembled an AUDI.

• He entered the examination hall. His mind was like a Blank DVD.

• Time moved like a snail on a marathon run.

• After the breakup he felt like an URL without .com

• He was a rug rat when they made love, chewing on anything that came his way.

• They called him a dark horse, but deep inside he felt like a zebra.

• They ran towards each other like the sports bikes in the movie Mission Impossible.

• It rained every evening, like nature had an OCD [ obsessesive compulsive disorder].

• She was always right like the Murphy's lwas.

• The idea struck him like a bug on the windsheild.

• He had an idea,but not the resource to get it done.He felt like the man with a fish who was a vegetarian.

• She howered over him like a cieling fan.

• She stripped in front of him like a moth out of a cocoon. She was less hairy unlike the moth.

____________________

My inner-self says, I have accomplished something.

__________________________+

< GOT TAGGED AGAIN >

Another Tag.This time I got tagged by Archana from YEMILEDU. I like this tagging game, cuz we need to put some load on our gray cells which helps us burn some calories.

Here we go

This Tag has got some rules, as you can see it.

RULE 1- You can only say Guilty or Innocent.

/ *RULE 2- You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!*/

RULE 3- Copy and paste this into your notes, delete mine and type in your answers and tag your friends to answer this.

As you may notice. I have ignored the RULE 2, making it a comment entry (C ishtyle)

Let me begin…

Asked someone to marry you? Innocent.

I could read their mind; their vibes said "committing suicide was a better way to die."

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Innocent.

NO!!! DO I look like Dostana?

Danced on a table in a bar? Innocent.

Always too broke to get that drunk.*hmmphh..Sad! I know this is awesome.

Ever told a lie? Guilty.

Question should be..Ever told a truth?

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back? Innocent.

Most of them run away!I know I cant have them back.Realisation.dawns..twoing..twoing..twoing..

Kissed a picture?Guilty [Pleasure].

Of a Ferrari.Drooled over it..ooohhhh..llaaa..laaaa..ummmmm...mmmm.m..mmm

Slept in until 5 PM? Guilty.

Do waking up for bathroom breaks count?

Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty.

Literally 'Fallen' asleep.

Held a snake? Guilty

Or did it held me? either way..guilty

Been suspended from school? Guilty.

I was a reliable fine example for 'outstanding' student.

Worked at a fast food restaurant? Innocent.

Recession was not that bad for me.

Stolen from a store? Innocent.

Been fired from a job? Innocent.

Need more clarification on the 'job' part.

Done something you regret? Guilty.

YEAH!! and I am shamelessly proud of it.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Guilty.

It tastes funny afterwords.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Innocent.

We dont have snowflakes in these parts. Do cornflake count? In that case I am roger on that.

Kissed in the rain? innocent.

Center fresh doesnt work even when it rain.

Sat on a roof top? Guilty.

Makes a good 'view point'.

Kissed someone you shouldn't? Innocent.

Sang in the shower? Guilty.

Yes,when geyser sieze to work in the morning or when during power cuts.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Guilty.

I still owe someone an awesome bath.

Shaved your head? innocent.

No thank you.Hair protects the vital internal thoughts according to me.

Had a boxing membership? Innocent.

At times I wish I had.

*looks at the buddy who is chompin on lays potatoe chips, sitting away from me.

Made a girlfriend cry? Innocent.

It wasn't me.

Been in a band? Guilty.

Shot a gun? Guilty.

Donated Blood?Guilty.

I don't have to donate it.They take it when they want-Darn Mosquitoes.

Eaten alligator meat? Innocent.

Any idea where we can get that?Though I support PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

Eaten cheesecake? Guilty.

I didnt know until after I ate it.

Still love someone you shouldn’t? Innocent

Don't they say love is 'Special'.

Have/had a tattoo? Guilnnocent

Yes if you are asnkin me about tattoos you get free with cheweing gums

otherwise, I am thinking about getting one.

Liked someone, but will never tell who? Guilty

Yes, You will laugh at me if I say..Angelina Jolie.

Been too honest? Guilty.

Yes, Thats how I got thrown out of some place.

Ruined a surprise?Innocent.

Still didnt get a chance for that 'awesome' thing.

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterwards? Guilty.

Some underestimate my power of hunger.

Erased someone in your friends list? Guilty.

Manyones

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)?Innocent.

Joined a pageant? Innocent.

Do I qualify for this question?

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? Guilty.

Yeah, They 'see through' me.

Had communication with your ex? Innocent.

Saving on talk time.

Got totally drunk on the night before exam? Innocent.

By the time I started drinking, I had finished all my exams.

Got totally angry that you cried so hard?innocent.

Angry and Cry- Can't understand this concept.

Thats all.!!

Tagging, I need to tag too.

Let me tag all my regular blog visitors.

____________________

1)Angel From Heaven

2)Shruthi

3)Sanjog

4)Vampy

5)Gaurav

6)Saurabh

7)CRD

8)M.K

9)Susie

10)Vinayak

____________________

Looking forward for your tags.

__________________________+

< SAMPLE HUNT >

A visit to my 'School Community' in ORKUT(A social networking site); brought up this 'Old Event' from the piling cabinet called brain.

Location :The Biology Lab

That day, unlike any other day, every one was sitting silently in the lab, not even talking to their lab partner; but busy staring at the 'Experiment of the day' page. The lab was experiencing an 'Uncomfortable silence'.

I was sitting with my lab partner[ Refered in this post, as Wing Man ],ofcourse at the last row, discussing with our heads down, hiding our face away from the hawk eyes of biology sir, the evasive maneuver, for the day.

Me: Don't even breathe heavily.If he ask something, be busy turning pages, till he pick another one of his interest.

Wing Man: hmmm.

Me: Don't even twitch a muscle.We are in the last row, easy vicims.Don't even look at him.

Wing Man: hmmmm.

..

..

The time moved very slowly, like an ant in a marathon run.

[The above statement is a metaphor, according to me]

..

..

Our Biology sir, came out of his cabin. Nobody in the class, dared to put his head up and look at him.We were trackin his movement across the lab, like a 'Sonar Operator' bearing on the sound sgnal, his shoes made on the floor.

"Whats the experiment for today?" He asked the class.

[ Here there be eternal silence ]

"Okay,you people came to the lab for vacation or what?"

Dear readers, I call this 'AGGRESSIVE STANCE' -with the best of my analysis, based on the 'Art of War'.

"Albumin Test." answered a feable voice from the first row.

"Okay, Albumin Test is performed to figure out if a person is pregnant or not , also to find out certain other abnormalities, if any. Hope you had read, the objectives of today's lab session. The test is conducted on the urine sample. The sample is treated with the agent and if the solution, turns pink; then that person is likely to be pregnant.

He paused.

" Have you brought the sample?"

[ It is the standard procedure, to bring our own sample/frog/cockroach/worm what the lab can't sponsor.]

Everyone, moved their head from left to right, visually acknowledging that "We have not brought the sample(s)."

..

..

"Okay , you, sitting at the last row, read aloud the procedures of experiment." He gave the order pointing at my wing man- I guessed that.

The rule of the game is, not to look up, even when he say "LAST ROW"; which my lab partner, failed to learn in 12 years of his school life.

I wanted to LOL, cuz I knew, he could be the 'chosen one' to, bring the sample and I would be spared; though I felt bad for my partner.Poor thing(Dripping in sarcasm. Aint it?)

Did my Biology sir, see the grin flash across my face? I was not sure.

My lab partner, stood up and began reading the procedure of experiment for the day.

I made my stance to 'Aggressive mode' and decided to level it with Biology sir.[ Mind Game ].

I was looking at his face and giving - 'I am innocent, leave me out of this mess and I promise I will submit my record works on time' look.

My friend finished reading the procedures.

"Okay, hope you people understood what to do now, when you have the samples.Since you haven't brought the samples some one has to volunteer."

Everyones eyes were on us. Natural, because my lab partner was still standing, after reading the procedure,[ poor guy would be in a state of shock, thinking about the things to come] and the rest of the class knew that they could manipulate the situation by a major 'eye-ball' vote, nominating us as the volunteers.

Darn Brain wave.

"You both, go and bring the samples." another order from our Biology Sir.

"WHAT? US BOTH?"- I didn't say it, but I could have won an Oscar with the expression I made with my face and body, when I heard that order.

"Take the test tube and bring the samples.Don't try to fool me, by bringing water in it and be back in 5 mins, max."

As we went to take the test tubes, there was a high decibel, isolated laugh from the middle row.

wow! A proud winner for DUMBNESS. Some one had claimed a test tube for another sample. Easy!!

..

..

Location: The corridor outside the Lab

Me: SMART!! Now what do we do?

Wing Man:You wanna take a leak in this 'awesome test tube'?

Me:Hell No!! I emptied my tank and yeah whatever was left, just evaporated in there.You do it, may be you can tell your grand children(If at all) you got the one of a kind opportunity.

Wing Man: Hey be serious; Let's take water.

Me:No way!! there could be some test to prove it too.We don't know, cuz we don't read textbooks.

Wing Man:Like what?

Me:Err..how can I know..I have this intuition.There could be something.

Wing Man: Got any idea?

Me:I think I got something back in my mind.

..

..

We were walking down the corridor when we heard

"Hi, wanna share the sample?"

The proud winner of dumbness, wants 'our sample' after laughing at us, back in the lab.

Our look was enough to make him come 'down' with the sample. We ignored him and walked forward.

We walked in silence, the corridor was not so silent anyway.

Wing Man: What do we do?If Princi(read;Principal) sees us 'wanderin around'(technical term used by Princi), we will have the samples easy.

Me:Let's go to Primary School section.

Wing Man:WHAT?

Me:All we need is sample...right?

We continued our long walk, down the stairs to the 'Primary School wing'.We waited near a stair case, to pounce on the first 'unsuspecting victim'.

When we really, really, really need a junior, they are no where to be found.At that time, I didnt know Murphy and his rules, to blame it on his laws or to base this situation on.

We waited.

There........ one boy kid, our would be saviour, was coming up the stairs.

We 'confronted' him with the test tube.

The kid was terrified.

Me:Let me handle this 'delicate situation' Mr.wing man.

Me to the kid: Hey you going to loo?

The Kid: Yyyyyesssss (he said it in a feable voice, as if going to loo was a sin or something.)

Me to the kid: See, we people are doing an experiment.We need something.Can you help us?

The Kid:errr..

Me to the kid:One day you too will get to hold this test tube and wear lab coat and do experiments.

I showed him the test tube.The kid was impressed.I knew it from the paculiar way the facial muscles twitched. All I was trying to tell him was, 'dude, one day, you will be like us- Seniors, standing at the same stairs, for a junior to pop up, for a sample. So better give it. What goes around comes around.Its the Karma thingy.'

The Kid: errrr...

Me to the Kid:Can you pee in this test tube.We are going to conduct an experiment and we need it.

The Kid :YES YES YES YES...

Even I was taken aback by his enthusiasm. He really liked, doing that act in a 'School Property'(Test Tube).

Me to the kid: One day, the day not too far, History books will write about you .Thank you Mr.Einstein.

I gave the champ kid the test tube.He went into the loo, happier than he came up the stairs.

Kodak moment it is.

YES!! We are going to have O.R.I.G.I.N.A.L sample.

I still remember that kids face. He was soo excited to pee in the test tube.We too were happy, like the kid, cuz we got the samples for the experiment.

As we were walking back to the biology lab, with the sample, My Wing Man was retrospecting and introspecting the situation.

Wing Man: What if he tells his parents?

Me: Hmm..We didnt torture him.We come out clean.I dont think this comes under, the violation of any IPeeC sections.

Location :The Biology Lab

We walked proudly into the lab.We have accomplished the mission. We got welcoming giggles+grins.[ Morons]

Biology sir: Bring that sample here. Is it water?

*Gee..is he going to taste it to confirm it?

Us: NOOOO!! Its not water.

Biology sir: Whose sample is it?

We looked at each other. We don't want to point finger at each other, after all we endured together.

Biology sir:okay.Its not your samples.then it could be water.

How can he say that, after all the mental calculations we did and the 'smart negotiation' we did with the kid,the mind game with a smart kid; How can he say that its water!!

Me:err..We took the sample from a....kid.

Biology Sir:What?

Us:Yes,

[ High decibel laugh here]

Biology sir: Now that you have the sample. start the experiment. Remember to wash the test tubes well.Any chemical deposit which is already inside the test tube can give you a false result.

The initial hype about the sample and our adventure settled down and every one was busy doing the experiment.

Some got pink color, as the result, declaring that the 'male kid' was pregnant and others declined that finding by declaring that they did the experiment the right way and the kid was not pregnant.

Finally we all noted down the observation and the 'dreaded lab experiment' chapter was closed.

..

..

Yes, the proud winner for 'dumbness' was also declared 'pregnant'. He brought his own sample and declared it proudly as his own when asked to testify on the sample.

____________________

Foot note:

I don't know if that kid would end up in the history book or in the play boy magazine with the chicks; but he sure did end up in my blog.

Hey kid,(now you would be a grown up), if you are reading this and if you remember that day when we made you pee in a test tube, do drop a comment in my blog.I would be happy to get back to you, talk about that old days in school and share a coffee with you.I promise, I wont make you pee..Oops pay for the coffee.You saved us.You are our hero.

__________________________+

< QUOTES WE MADE >

As, one of my fellow blogger and CEO of a blogger community,CRD.a.k.a Christo requested me, earlier in blog comment, to put up a post on quotes, created by our highly evolved brain and superior intellect+graycells; I am putting up this blog-post on *AWESOME QUOTES, by me and some of my fellow inmates.

* Patent Pending.

These quotes were scattered over the history books and many beautiful quotes were ruthlessly deleted by orkut (Read : Agent Smith and Party)or lost when inmates were moved from one social networking site to another, as they check out deleting their profiles.

This is my humble effort, to restore order (God!! What am I talking?)..errr..restore, these genius,awesome, one of a kind, blahblahblah, single lines of wisdom, oozing with creativity.

____________________

"I am an alien, left back on earth; they wanted to save fuel" - Sorcerer on sorcerer.

"All I need is a sack of potatoes and ketchup" - Sorcerer on world hunger.

"You are way above my standards of jokes" -Sorcerer on 'normal' people.

"Scandals and Sandals - Its the new way of politics" - Sorcerer on politics.

"I was excited , it spoiled my grammar"- Sorcerer on speech given at a corporate function..

We had the wall [ Rahul Dravid ] ; Now his cricket disappoints me and may I call him the 'Berlin Wall'. - Sorcerer on cricket- When asked about his views on Rahul Dravid.

"Make love Not War; Set the bed on fire , not the huts and paddy fields"-Sorcerer on War.

"When time comes of age,'Holy Cow!!' will be replaced by 'Holy Juggie !'; with all due respect to Cows"- Sorcerer on Juggie

"Before they start the debate on IPC Section 377, I want the Authorities to rename the SECTION IPC Section 377 to IPC Section 69"- Sorcerer, when asked about IPC SECTION 377

"Are you the reason why earth is tilted on its imaginary axis?" Sorcerer to Juggie

" I didn't chew all the way up the food chain to EAT THIS" - Sorcerer on vegetarian food.

"Life eej hard". - Mokey

"Kyu pila raha hai! "---- Ankit

"I am addicted to haldiram's halkapulka chips":- Asim

"Come on baby light my beedi"- Darthy

"I jst started thinking" - Asim

"Who cares for high linguistic values in a blog--its suppose to be a casual brain vomit"- Albie- when asked to check my blog for linguistic errors.

__________________________+